Chapter 2 – Anything You Can Do...

'Oh crap. Oh crap. Oh crap. She's going to kill me!' chanted Ranma, forcing herself to slowly inch closer to the pool. Her self- preservation instincts kicked in. She leapt backwards, missingan explosion of spray, as Ukyoerupted from the turbulent spring water, with a thunderous falsetto roar of fury. In truth, it was more of a falsetto shrill of fury, but the result was unchanged. Ranma cringed in dread on the grass as the okonomiyaki chef's soaked form stepped out of the spring. Ukyo locked eyes with the blubbering redhead. "Now Ucchan," pleaded Ranma giddily, as saidheadman took a step toward her and ominously unsheathed a battle spatula, "let's not do anything hasty... Ucchan? Ucchan!" Ranma's eyes suddenly lit up as a realisation dawned. "Ucchan, you're okay!" she exclaimed brightly.

"Huh?" faltered Ukyo, halting in the calculated death march towards Ranma's execution. "I'm...okay?" the chef questioned in a familiar high voice. A hand reached tentatively upwards andran acrossthe smooth, epicene cheek it found. The chef giggled. "Oh, Ranchan, you idiot," she gushed, relief effusing from every word, "you went to the wrong pool." She and Ranma shared a smile, as she used her free hand to pat at her dripping okonomiyaki garb. Her eyes widened as she brushed her chest.

"Ucchan?" questioned Ranma, as she tread closer to her suddenly frozen friend. Ukyo's eyes were as wide as saucers, and she was holding her breath. 'What was the matter' thought the redhead as examined her friend's stock still face. 'Its not as though she, hey since when has Ukyo green eyes? Oh crap. Oh crap. Oh crap. She's going to...'

"I'm going to KILL you!" 'Heh, I thought you didn't see what the problem was', thought Ranma sardonically, before she turned and bolted.

Ryoga's tackling her, successfully this time, ensured that she didn't get very far. "Not so fast, Ranma!" growled the Lost Boy, as he pinned her down. He raised a fist as she struggled beneath him... and stopped, transfixed. His eyes were still as he drank in the pulchritudinous visage before him. "K-kawaii," he breathed, moving his face closer to hers, the better to burn this beauty into his memory. He was rewarded with a mighty uppercut beneath the chin that sent him crashing into a nearby sprawled panda. Ryoga barely noticed.

"Damn you, Ryoga!" grumbled Ranma, as she sent him flying. His intervention had delayed her escape long enough for a very large cooking tool to nearly decapitate her. "Eep!" she yelled, as she rolled away from another swipe. "Calm down, Ucchan!" she squeaked out as the chef readied her, er, his, second spatula. Ranma gulped. She was in serious trouble if Ukyo switched to her twin spatula style. "I thought you said it wasn't a big deal!" she tried to reason, as she back flipped out of spatula-range. Seething, Ukyo snarled,

"Well, I guess I was wrong, wasn't I!" accentuating each syllable with a swipe.

'She'll take my head off if I try to take her down now', calculated Ranma, and she knows the Saotome Super-Secret Technique, so no help there. Desperate, Ranma fell back ona Saotome techiniqueshe realised was perfect for this situation.Fightng dirty.It was 'Anything-Goes' after all.

"I thought you said you'd be able to handle this better than me", she reminded the chef, knowing exactly which buttons to push, "Guess you're not up to it, huh?" That brought Ukyo up short. With a high-pitched growl, he sheathed one of the spatulas, and stood in place, taking deep, measured breaths.

"Damn you, Ranchan!" he cursed effeminately.

Finally, the Guide joined them.

"Oh, much relief miss!" he declared to Ukyo, when he saw the chef, spatula in hand, standing between the redhead and the spring. Nodding at the unconscious panda, he continued, "You save sirs from terrible tragedy, miss". He eyed her tense form, curiously, wondering why she was so wet. "Something matter, miss?" he asked when he noticed her eyeballing him.

"Well?" Ukyo clamoured. The Guide raised his eyebrows. "Aren't you going to start prattling on about another 'too too tragic story'?" demanded the chef, looking down at himself. Scratching his head, the portly man asked,

"Why would I do that?" in his thick accent. "And why honoured customer so wet?"Ukyo boggled but turned angrily when he heardsqueaky guffawing. Glaring daggers at his fiancée, he asked what was so goddamn funny. Ranma wheezed,

"Ha Ha! Your guy-side's a sissy! Hah Hah!

"Don't push me, jackass!" he warned with a girlish grumble.

o-o-o

Back in the Guide's hut, and back in their original genders/species, the cursed martial artists quizzed the uniformed man. "So how long do we gotta wait before we can use the other spring to cure ourselves?" asked the freshly male Ranma. Puffing thoughtfully, the Guide turned his full attention to the boy,

"It no for certain, sir," he answered succinctly. He took another puff, "Sirs must wait until at least half half year before using cursed spring, but even then could be terrible tragedy," he opined. "Best if sirs wait full half year."

"Six months?" Ranma moaned piteously. "I don't wanna wait here that long." Smacking the back of his son's head, Genma sneered,

"What did I tell you about whining? Quit acting like a girl, boy, and see this experience for what it is: training."

'Girl-boy?' repeated Ranma in his head. 'Is that what I am now?' Ranma's eyes narrowed as he fixed his gaze on his father with a glower,

"And I suppose bein' stuck here for the next six months is goin' to be great trainin'?"

"That it would, my boy," answered Genma, rubbing his chin, "but we won't be staying here long. We're heading back to Japan."

"What?" blurted Ranma. "You mean we're gonna haveta drag ourselves all the way back here in six months?" Disgusted with his son's attitude, Genma said,

"Make the most out of the experience, boy. Anyway, like I said, we're going back to Japan. We have engagements to keep!" More specifically, one engagement, and now considering Ukyo's 'semi-unique' predicament, perhaps two, reflected Genma in jocosity. "Hurry it up, boys," he said to his two charges, "we'll be leaving after dinner." He announced.

The Guide's eyes widened at that.

o-o-o

Ukyo smiled at the little girl, presumably the Guide's daughter, as she helped dab a moist cloth over Ryoga's brow. She returned to her father's side when Ryoga moaned from the cot. "Jeez," complained Ranma as he knelt beside the chef, "I didn't hit him that hard. And I don't figure Christopher Columbus here for suddenly havin' a glass jaw," he added, glancing at his slightly bruised knuckles.

"I don't understand either," admitted Ukyo. "He's a lot tougher than this," Suddenly, Ryoga's form thrashed on the cot, and he began mumbling incoherently.

"Oh Ran... No, I mustn't! Must be faithful!"

"What's he sayin'?" asked Ranma. Ukyo hushed him.

"No, I can't! You're so... Must be faithful... Ran...Well, if I must..." Ryoga quickly calmed on the mattress, a blissful smile slowly spreading across his face.

"What was that all about?" asked Ranma. Ukyo shook her head in puzzlement, failing to notice the thin trail of blood trickling form Ryoga's nostril.

o-o-o

They left Jusenkyo behind without much unhappiness, despite the knowledge that in less than a year, they'd eventually have to return for a cure. Well, not Ryoga. He'd been the only one of them save the Guide to come out unscathed. Ukyo sighed. If it hadn't been for Ranma being so damn impulsive, she would have too. No! She wouldn't dwell on it. Ranma hadn't mentioned it since they'd left the cursed valley.

He may have initiated this little contest, but she didn't plan to lose.

It was strange. Ranma had reacted so badly to the curse earlier, but now didn't seem at all flustered. Ukyo couldn't honestly claim that she didn't mind her curse, but wasn't about to advertise that when Ranma was taking everything so coolly. As the Guide explained to Ryoga and Genma that they were heading toward the village of Joketsuzoku, it began to rain.

"Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!" cursed a disgruntled redhead from beside Ukyo. The now male chef smiled crookedly. Denial was not just a river in Egypt. He turned to his petite fiancée, and drawled,

"You know that's now not very ladylike, Ranchan?" Ranma fumed.

"Well at least I'msupposed to look like a girl this way. You look even more like a girl as a guy!" she smirked.

'Why, that rotten jackass! No, keep calm.'

"Ha, I think you're just saying that, Ranchan. Does this look girlish to you?" he said deepening his voice as much as he could, and opening his loose vest top to reveal hairless, but very male pectoral muscles. Ranma reacting liked she'd been splashed with a bucket of ice water.

Gotcha! smirkedthe chefas he grinned toothily.

'What? I mean? She? No way!' Thought Ranma aghast, as Ukyo, who had apparently gone without a t-shirt, bared his chest at her. Ranma stared woodenly at the sight. It seemed so odd. Surreal, even. Save her eye colour, Ukyoform appeared untouched whenthe curse took effect. (Even her voice remained nearly unchanged.) Yet, here before was quite stark evidence to the contrary. Ukyo's pecs, while not bulky, were compactly muscled.. Noting the angular shape, Ranma surmised that Ucchan's guy- form was a LOT stronger than it looked, and from the way the muscle rippled beneath the surface of the well-defined abs... What the? Ranma banished away that thought with alarming force.

'So it's a fight you want, huh? If that's how you want to play it', she thought evilly.

Ukyo shook with barely suppressed laughter at the expression that played across Ranma's face. First surprise, which graduated into astonishment; then embarrassment, and then, what the? Was Ranchan blushing? Ha Ha! Ukyo: One, Ranma: Zero, he scored.

Prematurely, as it happened.

Ranma stretched her slim arms, palms outward before her, and clasped her fingers together.She aimedher armsat the sky, in what would be considered the most scandalous possible yawn this side of a bordello. Her bosom projected before her, Ranma stared at Ukyo from beneath half-lidded eyes, and drawled coquettishly,

"Oh, I dunno, Ucchan. Does THIS look girlish to you?" Ukyo froze like a deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming semi. Blinking sensuously, Ranma gradually ran her hands down her sides, "Well, does it Uuu-chan?" she asked, licking her incisiors.She swept closer to the now hyperventilating chef. Ranma was almost in his face when she was suddenly swatted away and sent skyward by a large wooden sign. Their little exhibition hadn't been without an audience.

Knock it off, boy! read the sign Genma held up to Ranma, who was grumbling at the panda. He turned to Ukyo, and the sign flipped. Keep it up, boy! He pranced away.

The Guide seemingly took all of this in his stride.

Ryoga continued to leak blood and drool in blissful unconsciousness on the ground.

"Stupid panda," muttered Ranma irritably as she approached the unresponsive chef. "Earth to Ucchan," she called, bringing the Anything-GoesOkonomiyaki practitioner back to reality. Ukyo blinked at Ranma, who was grinning cockily at her. "Guess I win that one," she sniggered. "How's about I let you decide the terms of the next round to see if you can draw level?" she added loftily, sniggering once more at Ukyo's embarrassment. Ranma hefted her pack, and motioned behind Ukyo with a nod to the ground. "Now, who gets to carry Majellen, here?"

o-o-o

They set up camp half a day's travel from Joketsuzoku. The Guide sat on a large rock, blathering away about the (generally tragic) history of the area to Genma, who acknowledged with an occasional nod, as he sat about preparing an okonomiyaki on the small portable grill. If there was one thing to be thankful to old Kuonji for, he thought.

Ryoga leaned ponderously on one elbow, still a little shaky on his feet from the display that took place earlier. He noticed the love of his life approaching Ukyo – er, rather he noticed the love of his life being approached by Ranma. Yeah, that was it...

"Wanna spar, Ranchan?" Spying her father readying a kettle, Ranma turned back to Ukyo and nodded.

"Sure, Ucchan. Anything particular in mind?" she asked expectantly.

"Actually, yeah," he replied in his falsetto voice. "I was thinking that spatula-braid combination duel we practiced last week." Ranma considered this a moment and then nodded.

"Okay, just gimme a sec to get my hair ready," she asked as she readied the weights she would tie into her hair. "You know I don't like to wear a braid if I don't have to."

Karma rolled its metaphorical eyes at Fate's snigger. This is getting cruel, you know.

"And don't hold back just 'cause my hair ain't as long as yours," added Ranma tying her braid.

Come now! That was as innocuous as can be... Fate was silent. You lousy SOB.

Heh heh.

"Ready?" At the redhead's affirmation, Ukyo hefted his second battle spatula and flung it spinning at Ranma, who deftly plucked from the air. Both assumed a similiarbattle stance. They stood, legs apart, knees slightly bent with the spatula held low to the left, its head pointing diagonally down and backwards, their right hands gripping the handles as though they were katanas. Despite their bizarre shape, they were used in a somewhat similar fashion. Had they held actual katanas, their free hands would have held the scabbard; instead, it was held loose from the body, elbow and wrist bent in a somewhat serpentine fashion.

Unlike his traditional family weapon, the enormous Great-Spatula (which Ukyo had used exclusively until she was eleven), Ukyo favoured two smaller twin battle-spatulas, each about four feet long with a flat head about a foot across. He supposed he had Pops to thank for that. It took more precision and skill rather than plain brute strength, to get true results from the weapons, but it was more than worth it. When she'd first used both spatulas in concert, wielding them akin to pair of herculean kamas, while utilising her leg skills to the best of her ability, Ukyo, knew she'd discovered her forte. But, he thought, this decidedly odd hybrid in which they were about to engage also had its pros, being fun paramount among them.

At some invisible signal they moved. Ukyo swung his spatula in an outward arc at Ranma's chest, while springing from the ground, his legs spread, arching around his base following the momentum of his attack. Ukyo marvelled at how quickly Ranma had adapted to her altered centre of gravity as she leaned backwards to avoid the slash and continued fluidly into a one armed back flip that dodged Ukyo's flailing feet, who landed swinging his neck smoothly, bringing about his waist length braid to swipe at Ranma's unprotected midsection while bringing up his spatula in a wicked in-stroke.

The redhead parried the incoming braid with her spatula, while fluently craning her own neck to bring her scarlet braid about to whip away and then around the spatula that was threatening to gut her. With a flowing turn, she yanked the spatula from the chef's grasp, which flew directly into Ranma's free hand. She looked Ukyo in the eye and grinned. Ukyo grinned right back, as he flicked his braid causing Ranma's grip to falter on her original spatula, flying smoothly from the girl's hand. Dodging a stab with a cartwheel, Ukyo caught the airborne spatula while parrying a kick with his braid, and righted himself, several feet away from his fiancée. Finding themselves in their original positions, they shared a wink. Wordlessly, they both smiled and launched at one another again.

o-o-o

Ryoga grimaced forlornly from his position on the grass. He had been avoiding speaking to Ukyo. Not because of the curse. Or, more specifically, not because of Ukyo's curse, at any rate. How could he face her? He didn't deserve to even speak to the lovely chef considering the thoughts he'd been having. Even right then, he was struggling mightily not to lapse into another scarlet-hued daydream. But how long could he resist, with the object of his desires right there in front of him? He raised his eyes at the sound of clashing metal to see Ukyo and Ranma were sparring. Ah, Ukyo! With her pretty face, and slim hands, and close proximity to a certain sex- kitten...

That was it! This was intolerable. He needed a few moments away from Ukyo and... Ranma, to clear his head.

o-o-o

Engrossed as they were in training, or in Genma's case, eating, none of the martial artists noticed the bandanna-wearing boy leaving their campsite and disappearing over a nearby natural incline in the surrounding area. The Guide spied his departure, but didn't see any need comment.

Twenty-five minutes later, the two teens relaxed and Ranma returned the borrowed spatula to its owner. "That was great, Ucchan," she said contentedly, undoing her braid, and removing the weight. "Still prefer my fists when it comes down to it, though." Ukyo sheathed his second spatula. "Wanna go hand to hand for a while?" suggested the redhead. Spying the darkening sky, Ukyo realised that it was already late in the evening. He indicated the moon with a look, and answered,

"It's getting a bit late, Ranchan. I think we should call it a day and get cleaned up." Advised the chef. After, a moment, Ranma assented with a nod.

"Pity we've got no water, though," she grumbled. Ukyo raised and single eyebrow, and suppressed a sinistergrin.

"Well, he said it was a bit muddy, but the Guide mentioned something about a small stream not far along ahead..." he trailed off.

"Great," replied Ranma, ready to follow his lead. He nodded with a smile, and made for the stream the Guide had mentioned.

A few minutes brisk walking later, the area turned earthy and wet. "Guess this is why we didn't camp further on," mentioned Ranma absently, as they trudged through the muck. She could hear the slight trickle of a small stream, which they soon reached. "Guess it's only a couple of feet deep," evaluated Ranma, as she knelt by the brook. In the dull twilight she could make out that the water's flow kept the creek from getting too dirty. With a happy sigh, she cupped a handful of water and splashed her face. She washed her hands, and splashed herself a couple of more times, before turning to Ukyo, asking if she was ready to go. The question died on her lips.

Two facts rather forcibly made themselves known to Ranma as she turned to Ukyo who was cleaning himself in the brook. One: Ukyo was wearing boxer shorts. She briefly wondered just when exactly Ukyo had acquired boxer shorts, but this train of thought was cut off by the second glaringly blatant fact, which somewhat qualified the first: Ukyo was wearing boxer shorts, and ONLY boxer shorts. Crouched in the stream, and pouring water over his chest and shoulders, Ukyo nonchalantly raised an eyebrow the paled Ranma's way.

"What's the matter, Ranchan," asked Ukyo conversationally, "you finished already?" Ukyo's eyes followed Ranma's gaze to his shorts. "Oh, I see!" exclaimed Ukyo in mock realisation; "you show me yours..." he trailed off suggestively, blatantly eyeing Ranma's midsection.

Ranma, for her part, blinked once, and fled in terror, missing out on a madly cackling Ukyo laughing his transgendered ass off on in the stream.

Eventually, pulling himself together, Ukyo grinned mischievously. Well, she DID say that he could set the terms for Round Two. Can't wait for Round Three... he thought with anticipation, as he plucked his clothes from a dry rock and dressed heading back to the camp, giggling girlishly all the way.


Author's Notes:

Regarding the little sparring session the two have; I know half of what happens isn't really physically possible, nor is the fighting style a particularly workable one, but this is the Ranma-verse (and I liked the idea of it :) ).

In the prologue I mentioned that Ukyo was weighed down by her 'new' twin battle spatulas (even though I say she's been using them for five years in this chapter), take it to mean she started using heavier battle spatulas, as her strength improves.

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