Chapter 3 – Two for the price of One
'Where the hell was the campsite?' He was sure it was just over this hill. He cursed when he saw the stream below. That was new. Ryoga squinted in the twilight as he realised that there were figures by the stream. He focused intently on the smaller of the two. It was Ranma! Her sparkling eyes opened in... terror? This was confirmed as she ran shrieking from the brook, the other person's laughter following after.
Ryoga gasped as his eyes relayed what he saw to his brain. Some half naked guy has just accosted Ranma! He growled in stygian fury, fists clenched. Ranma's molester made to escape, but Ryoga wouldn't allow that monster to live. He stopped short in his dash, as he became aware of a sharp trident poking at his chest. His eyes moved rapidly to the slight forms of two armed girls, one of whom still had her prong levelled high at his chest, aimed at his Adam's apple. That one had green hair, the other, indigo. It was she, who spoke,
"You! You know fighting womans what train nearby?" She meant Ranma and Ukyo! Tentatively, he nodded. "Is good. You tell. Tomorrow is Amazon Womans Tournament in village. Outsider womans no come if know what good for them." She hefted her short staff. "You is understand?" Slowly, he nodded a second time. The green haired one, lowered her trident, humphing,
"You is not so stupid for man," she begrudged, as she nimbly stole after her partner. Ryogasoon realised that he was standing alone on the hilltop. And that Ranma's attacker was long gone. He made a vow to track that pervert down! But first, he had to find Ranma-san and Ukyo, and relay the feisty Amazons' warning. Without preamble, he ran off in the direction of Singapore.
o-o-o
Ranma practically dived for the kettle when she arrived back at camp.
Feeling much better, now that he was back in his original form, he waited patiently for Ucchan to return, which he soon did by way of skipping merrily into the camp. Genma's eyes narrowed unhappily at this.
Wordlessly, Ranma presented the kettle to his...friend, who accepted with a polite grin he somehow managed to embue with smugness. In short order, Ukyo's eyes were as blue as ever, as she gratefully returned the kettle. She looked at her silent fiancé with ill-concealed amusement. Ranma regarded her a full minute in silence.
She was beginning to feel a little self-conscious when Ranma exhaled mightily. He extended his hand. 'He wasn't!' "Truce?" he asked, his bearing not unlike a condemned man. With poorly hidden astonishment, she regarded the hand before her. That little scene by the brook must really have shaken him up. She had admittedly outlined some future plans, but the fact that Ranchan was actually calling for a ceasefire to the shenanigans, combined with her somewhat forgiving nature swept those aside.
Affectionately, she took his hand, and smiled back. "Truce," she agreed. His uncharacteristic uncertainty melted away from his face, and she couldn't help but chuckle at the sight. "But," she reminded him good naturedly, "you started this in the first place..."
"I know, I know," he grumbled without rancour. "I owe you a forfeit." They shared a silly grin with each other for a few moments before Ranma added, "But don't think I ain't gonna call off this truce sometime," he threatened. She laughed,
"And don't YOU think that I won't eventually call in this forfeit. You owe me one, Sugar," she finished with mirth.
Genma scowled at this exchange.
o-o-o
Tucking into her okonomiyaki, Ukyo suddenly identified what had been troubling her the last half hour. "Say, Ranchan," she began, a little bit of concern in her voice, "you haven't seen Ryoga, have you?"
"Not since we were trainin', Ucchan," he answered between bites. Overhearing this, the Guide uncharacteristically volunteered something useful.
"Sirs, friend walk away some hour ago. Think he going to do business, but still no come back."
"Ryoga," groaned Ukyo in exasperation, "why did you have to go off alone? Think we should go look for him, Ranchan?" He shook his head knowingly, and mumbled through his dinner.
"You know it'd be pointless, Ucchan. Marco Polo could half-way to Beijing by now, and even he wouldn't know it."
"I know you're right, Ranchan," she said disquietly. "I just feel kinda, y'know, responsible for him. Like a kid brother." Ranma held up his hand.
"Woah there, Ucchan," he frowned. "You ain't responsible for nothin'. Its Ryoga's lousy sense of direction, and you being too nice for your own good that's to blame. And that second one is really his fault, too," he frowned."'Sides, you know he can take care of himself. He'll probably be waitin' for us when we get back to Japan."
"Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised," she chuckled. "I still can't believe he followed us all the way here, though."
"So, who'd he blame?" asked Ranma simply.
"What do you mean?" she asked, puzzled. Yawning, he answered.
"Oh, come on, Ucchan. Ya don't hang around with someone for a year and not learn anything about them. You and me both know that ol' Ryoga simply can't accept that bad things just happen sometimes. Especially to him. He's gotta assign blame to someone. Heck, even if the weather takes a bad turn, he's tries to find some poor sap to pin it on." He suddenly shuddered. "Nothin' big," he answerd at his companion's inquiry."Just had a horrible thought of what it'd like for someone if Ryoga ever decided they were the source of all his problems. Can you imagine?"
o-o-o
Oh, one can.
Sadist.
Bite me.
o-o-o
Ranma shuddered once more and banished the horrible thought away, and began rolling his shoulder to work out the kinks in his left arm. "So, like I was sayin' Ukyo. You probably know who Ryoga's decided to bear responsibility for whatever little snafu brought him here, right?"
Ten years with Genma and Ranma had allowed Ukyo to fully master The Saotome Guilty-Conscience Laugh (or as she liked to think of it, 'The I Know You Know I Know Something I'd rather you didn't know-Chuckle'), and she utilised this special technique in an effort not to sweatdrop.
"Er...you?" she mumbled uncertainly.
"What about me?" He suddenly made a disgusted sound. "Shoulda seen that comin', really. So what'd I do? Rearrange the scenery so that he SOMEHOW got hopelessly lost and couldn't find you in time for you 'date'?" Shaking her head slightly, she replied,
"Actually, he blamed you for abducting and spiriting me away to China before he arrived...on the fourth day," she addedtryingto keep amusement from her voice. Ranma blinked, and began rubbing his temples with the thumb and middle finger of his right hand.
"I don't know where'ta even begin with that," he moaned. "Have you tried getting the concept of 'four days late', 'training trip', or even the sheer improbability of someone abducting his own fiancée through his thick skull?" Ukyo's breath caught, but she tried not to let it show. Ranma almost never referred to her as his fiancée. He didn't seem to notice her reaction as he stared at the sky. "Come to think of it," he thought aloud, "I did notice Ryoga givin' me these weird looks since Jusenkyo. Never figured it for the 'evil eye', though." Genma's ears, which had been covertly following the conversation, picked up at this.
"But I explained everything to him at Jusenkyo," pointed out Ukyo, "and he seemed to understand. He said he believed me, and Ryoga's not the type to lie. I don't think he could considering..."
"His gross stupidity?" suggested Ranma.
"His forthrightness," corrected the chef. "So if he was looking at you it was for some other reason..." she trailed off into a choked laugh, finally recalling an incident from days before. This quickly grew into a full on fit of giggling, the chef pressing her face into her blue gi. Despite being fairly certain that he didn't want to know, Ranma prodded Ukyo back to lucidity with a grumpy cough. He stared at her questioningly as she wiped away a tear.
"What?" he demanded in mornid curiousity.
Smiling wickedly, she hurriedly explained why it was she thought Ryoga had devoted so much of his attention since Jusenkyo to Ranma, whose face twisted into a grimace of revulsion.
"Its not his fault, Ranchan," sniggered the girl. "As he said, you are so 'kawaii'!"
"Oh man, Ryoga!" he shivered. "That's..." he couldn't finish the sentence. Abruptly, he looked up to see the very furry form of his father, who had somehow gotten close unnoticed. He flashed a sign.
You stay away from that Hibiki, boy. It flipped. You're marrying a girl! He growfed, and plodded away.
"That... was new," said Ranma, staring after him.
"Yeah," she agreed. "Pops never usually brings up the engagement like that."
"And what's he mean 'Stay away from Ryoga'?" he winced almost violently. "Like I wanna be near him!" The chef snickered again.
"Like I said, Hon. You're just so,"
"Kawaii! I get it!"
"Don't let it get you down," she suggested. "I'm not teasing you when I say that you look really cute... y'know, that way." He 'hmphed', sceptically. "I'm serious," insisted the brunette honestly.
"Well so do you," he complained, "an' you're not getting the freakin' googly eyes from Ryoga!"
"I guess this means Ryochan won't be crushing over plain old Ukyo, anymore?" she said in poorly feigned distress.
o-o-o
The group awoke to an ominous peal of thunder, and elicited mutual groans as the heavens opened. The Guide led the cursed individuals away from the recently dusty clearing and through the muddy areathe teenagershad seen the night before. The sky cleared slightly by the time they reached the stream. "Wanna heat some water?" questioned Ranma. She rolled her eyes to the heavens as a fresh shower answered her.
"You want we should wait until rain stop, sir?" asked the Guide. Snorting tiredly, the redhead replied,
"Nah. Let's just get to this village you keep talking about. I'm dying for something to eat 'sides camp rice and okonomiyaki."
"Hey, what's wrong with okonomiyaki?" asked Ukyo defensively. "You've never complained before," he pointed out, putting his hands on his hips and pouting.
"Nothin' at all," relied Ranma honestly. "But then again, we've never gone this long with only plain okonomiyaki," she pointed out. Ukyo nodded.
"Hey, I'm with you, Sugar. Still, I've got to speak up for the team," he explained looking down at Ranma. He wondered if he'd ever get used to that disparate view.
"I'm on the team, too, y'know. Just be aware that revolution is in the air," singsonged the redhead. Ukyoarched an eyebrow thoughtfully.
o-o-o
Later, the weather had settled, and they approached Joketsuzoku eagerly. Hoping to sate their hunger, they found themselves drawn by a crowd to large structure in the centre of the village. Lots of people, mostly women, were gathered, with a few men milling around. Children were playing in the street as vendors hawked their wares unabashedly. It wasn't hard to feel the buzz that was permeating the crowd.
Soaking up the carnival atmosphere, the cursed group followed the Guide towards the large structure, as he began to explain. "Today, Tournament for Amazon womans what only come once a year." Ranma nodded as she and Ukyo took seats by a large table covered in various foodstuffs. Finding her mouth watering, Ranma tucked into the freely open food, which Genma had already began attacking. Shrugging when he saw nobody in the village complain, or even look their way, Ukyo bit into a large ham. Still concentrating on the spectacle before them, the Guide continued. "Is great honour to win, sirs. See, final match happen now." They paused as two Amazons readied themselves atop the huge log that was hanging from the structure, acting as a suspended battleground.
"That's a woman?" questioned Ranma dubiously, as a hulking, broad shouldered Amazon attacked her smaller opponent with a loud grunt. Indicating the opponent who had nimbly dodged the attack, the Guide commented,
"See. That one more pretty, no?" Ranma nodded absently as the girl in question sent her opponent flying from the log with a mighty blow of her bonbori. The Chinese manturned, waiting to hear the martial artists' views on the battle, when the entire crowd became deathly quiet. "Sirs," he said gaining their attention, "what you eating there..."
Ukyo paused at the Guide's words, and realised that the three of them were the centre of attention of the village. His gut instincts cut in as he leapt an airborne bonbori which continued to fly and imbed itself beside Ranma, who didn't flinch. He turned in surprise, to see the winner of the tournament, pointing another bonbori at them, with a look of anger spoiling her pretty face. She muttered something at them in Mandarin. Ranma and Genma grunted something through the food in their mouths as Ukyo listened to the Guide's translation. "She say 'Outsider womans and panda. Today I win great victory. Why you steal my prize?' That's what she say." Perking up at the translation, Ranma asked from the bench,
"Hey, but if I beat her, I win the prize, right? So there'll be no problem?" The Guide turned to the seething Amazon girl and said something in Chinese. She smiled and took up a battle stance. Ranma tried... and failed to extricate herself from between the fat panda and the ruined bench, the crowd looking on in confusion. Ukyo sighed and rolled his eyes from the position by the table.
"Just leave this to me, Ranchan."
"Alright," grumbled the redhead, as she realised that her foot was caught firmly beneath the gorged panda. Shaking his head, Ukyo readied a spatula and moved towards the indignant Amazon, who paused in surprise for a moment, but then resumed her stance.
'So the taller woman wanted to fight her instead? No matter.' Shampoo would beat her just as easily. She rushed her, attempting to swat away her strange weapon. Shampoo never expected the outsider to sweep her long hair forward and take her feet from beneath her. The fall winded the Amazon, and before she could recover, she was on her back with the blade of the outsider's weapon levelled at her chest. Shampoo looked to the bonbori just out of reach, and then back to the outsider, who shook her head slowly. The Amazon's body slackened in acknowledgement of her defeat. The outsider smiled crookedly and sheathed her bizarre weapon, turning back to her companions. Shampoo stood mechanically, still in shock from her abasement. Amazon law dictated what she must do.
o-o-o
Ranma grinned at Ucchan as he made his way back to the long table. "There, now there's no problem," said the chef with satisfaction, patting his hands together. The redhead gave Ukyo a thumbs-up, and the chef beamed at the gesture.
'Woah. That was different.' Ranma gradually let a similar smile spread across her face. She broke eye contact with Ukyo as a hand appeared on his cheek. It belonged to the Amazon girl. What was she doing? She cupped Ukyo's face, as the chef looked on in passive obfuscation. Moving her body right beside Ukyo's she slowly placed a long kiss on the shocked martial artist's face.
o-o-o
This outsider woman would pay for stealing her victory. Shampoo leant in close to place a slow, deliberate kiss on the on the outsider's cheek. The Amazon gradually pulled her lips away, a sinister smirk on her face. The smirk immediately transformed into wide-eyeddumbfoundment asShampoo felt something brush up against...She quickly ran her hands across the outsider's chest. Her world turned upside-down. It was a man!
o-o-o
Ranma's battle aura flared when the Amazon pulled away from Ukyo, who stood there with a somewhat vacant expression, and proceeded to rub her hands across the chef's chest. Surprised to find herself seething, Ranma froze when the purple haired girl planted a kiss smack on the lips ofher... of Ucchan!
That... hussy!
The redhead clenched her fists as the Amazon hugged Ukyo and cried out something to the village, which was met with raucous cheers,save one guy in white robes shrieking madly and having to be restrained. Ignoring this, and without taking her eyes off the pair, Ranma asked the Guide in white- hot tones just what 'the hussy' had said.
"Amazon woman give Kiss of Marriage, sir. She declare it to whole village. It very lucky that miss is in cursed form, sir," he continued, but Ranma had stopped listening after that first sentence. She forcefully freed herself from the panda who she didn't see was holding a sign reading,
Not what I'd planned, but it'll do in a pinch.
She swept ominously over to the Amazon, who was still latched onto the chef, and growled,
"Get away from my fiancé!" Her tone made the Guide's quick interpretation pointless. The Amazon smiled darkly at the redhead, and said something which she thought she heard the Guide interpret as 'Obstacles is for killing'.
o-o-o
Just to be certain, Shampoo looked closely at the redhead's half opened gi top. Good, this little onewas a woman, and she would teach her to stay out of Amazon affairs. She couldn't possibly be half as good as her new husband was. Quickly reclaiming her lost bonbori, Shampoo flung herself forward.
Only to be sent crashing backwards again. No! This was...This was just too much! This one would pay for humiliating her.
o-o-o
Before she realised what she was doing, Ranma had latched onto Ukyo in a credible imitation of the Amazon girl's earlier display. The strong grip finally broke the okonomiyaki chef's daze. He blinked twice and saw Ranma's small face staring up at him. "Ranchan," he began slowly, "what just happened?" Before she could respond, a massive blush raged across Ranma's face, as she motioned downwards. Ukyo looked down, and gulped in mortification, before someone appeared behind Ranma. It was the girl Ukyo had defeated. Still blushing, Ranma was caught unawares by the kiss on the cheek, but growled bestially as the girl made her way between them and into Ukyo's grasp.
Resembling a steam cooker that had been left on far too long, Ranchan opened her mouth to say something. Ukyo never got to hear it,being suddenly dragged away. He looked up to see that both Ranma and he were being hauled bodily away by the Guide, who displayed a remarkable amount strength to hold onto the teenaged pair.
Before Ukyo discerned it, they had fled from the village, Genma in tow, and the heavy-set man began to explain a certain Amazon law that would be rather impactful on the next few months of their lives.
Author's Notes:
I don't understand why, but FFNet has been deleting the spaces between some words whenever I upload /edit a chapter. I try to catch as many of these as I can.
Its been asked why they simply didn't bottle some Nannichuan/Nyannichuan and take it with them. There's an answer to this, so don't worry (even though it should be pointed out that the canon Ranma and Genma left Jusenkyo without even asking about a cure).
Ace A
