Chapter 5 – Gruel Tidings

The small group had been skittish for the last few days, still traversing China's Qinghai Province. Not that they had been prone to attack, by bandits or whatnot. The sight of two well built martial artists dissuaded all but the most foolhardy of attackers. And having a seemingly impeccably trained and very large giant panda in their midst ensured that their cursed forms didn't appear vulnerable either. Even the knowledge that a certain lavender-haired belle with murderous intentions was now on their trails didn't cause them too much concern. Unless Shampoo had wings, she wasn't going to catch them.

No, what had made the trio wary was the forbidding sensation of dread that saturated Ranma and Ukyo's thoughts for two days now. The two young martial artists felt as thought they were walking into some unsavory premeditated trap. The younger Saotome in particular was uneasy to the degree that were it not for the homicidal Amazon that lay that way, he'd head back two days travel and detour around the whole area. Despite the overwhelming certainty of impending doom, neither he, nor Ukyo had any idea just why they felt so ill at ease.

o-o-o

I've got an idea. You had your way earlier. It's my turn.

I think you're-

Being petty? You're right, I am. Enough with the omens.

o-o-o

His two charges' anxious behavior hadnudged the Anything-Goes Master to the point of vexation for several days now. He'd have thought that they were still trying to punish him for his well-timed (and certainly not pusillanimous) change of venue when the insane Warrior Girl had shown up, by trying to make him paranoid. But Genma knew thatneither of the youths, especially his son, was acompetent enough actor to fool him.

He awoke to the sound of tristful grumbling. His ingrate son was complaining about their supplies. "Not more camp rice," whined Ranma, bemoaning the lack of variety. He turned to the rising young chef. "Ucchan, I take back what I said before. I'd kill for a plain okinomiyaki right now." The other teen rolled her eyes,

"I'm not exactly fond of our current culinary selection either, Sugar. But you know we can't afford to go far off track for supplies," she said in resigned tones. "At least not with Xena on our trail." She knelt down and opened her pack, "I swear, cooking rice is so boring," she griped as she began breakfast. Ranma sighed at the sight.

Thoughprojecting a look of disapproval at his son's ungratefulness, Genma couldn't help but agree that another day of rice for breakfast, lunch and dinner wasn't topping his wish list. He too, sighed inwardly as he accepted the proffered rice from Ukyo. Ten years with the girl in their company had thoroughly spoiled the Saotome men. Why, three square servings of rice a day would have seemed heavenly to Genma when he and Tendo had trained together under the Master. Still, he couldn't begrudge the simple truth that he's prefer being spoiled any day of the week to that foraging existence he had subsisted on before.

Genma was near finished his second serving when the rain began to fall. The insistent drizzle doused Ukyo's campfire amid weary curses from the chef. Genma ignored these as he surveyed the surrounding area, this time taking note of the thick vegetation. He smiled a panda smile. 'Who says he'd only have rice today?'

Ranma eyed her father with scorn as the panda began chomping on the abundant florae in the area, as Ucchan continued to string together a series of mild expletitives.

"Well, the rain's stopped," mumbled the chef obviously, as thefall dissapated into a hazy mist. "Want to help me start another fire, Ranchan?" Ranma looked up to her fiancé, to her feasting father, to the half-eaten dish of rice in her hand. She downed it quickly, her stomach growling. She shook her head and replied,

"Nah, Ucchan." A gleam appeared in her eye. "How about this? You want to make for that restaurant that old guy told us about?" Ukyo effeminately shrugged his shoulders is resignation.

"Ranchan," he began (for what felt like the tenth time), "that old guy was probably crazy. For all we know, he made up the whole thing." His tone turned mildly derisive, "I mean, come on! A restaurant up a mountain in the middle of nowhere that serves exotic dishes?" He paused for a moment hoping that his words would sink in to the girl's hard skull. He blew a withered breath when the redhead's expression didn't waver, but continued nonetheless. "Don't you find that a little far-fetched?" Ranma, fists on hips, was smiling,

"Nope," she answered cockily, "I find it right there," she said pointing at a mountainside, the base of which was lost in the distance. Ukyo blinked at this and concentrated on augmenting his sight as best he could. His emerald eyes widened. Sure enough, there was a barely visible stream of smoke snaking up from the mountainside. Ranma smiled,

"Coming with, Ucchan? Pops'll stay here with the stuff, but we can take a pack each and fill up on supplies from the restaurant. And maybe a lunch that ain't rice!" she added hopefully. As much as the idea appealed to the okonomiyaki chef, he was skeptical,

"Ranchan," he pointed out, "just because there's smoke doesn't mean that there's a restaurant. It could be just another traveler like us," he surmised.

"Aha!" proclaimed the determined girl. "But that smoke never went out when it rained. So it must be a building!" Ukyo rolled his tongue against his cheek.

"You are aware that it could be raining here and not a few kilometres away, right?"

"That's a chance I'm willing to take," replied the headstrong girl, grabbing a pack. "So, you coming or ain't ya?" she asked. Ukyo could seethat Ranmawas near imperceptibly shifting her balance from foot to foot in herimpatience. Soughing, he conceded,

"Okay, Ranchan," he smiled at his stubborn fiancée, "but just give me a few minutes to heat up some water." Ranma looked positively stricken at the thought of having todally a moment longer. When hermidriff rumbled loud enough to make Genma pause in his engorgement, she hit Ukyo with a pleading look, that was probably meant to seem placating.

"Tell ya what, why don't you catch up to me?" she suggested, grasping her abdomen. "We'll, ahh," she frowned, "make a training exercise out of it... or something. Well, see ya!" she finished before nimbly scampering away towards the mountain in question.

'Training exercise my fanny!' Thought Ukyo gazing at the shrinking form of Ranma scurrying up the mountainside. He turned as the kettle announced its readiness with a hiss. Whimpering in pain, as he availed himself of the too hot water, the again female chef narrowed her eyes at her fiancée's distant figure.

"Let's just see who wins this 'training exercise'," she drawled to herself before bounding after the redhead, pack in hand.

o-o-o

'This's no mountain', groused Ranma to herself, as she hurried up the hillside. 'It just looked that way from the ground'. And she had been looking forward to a good workout to increase her appetite. At the thought of food, the poor girl moaned piteously. She assuaged herself with the sight of the 'far-fetched' restaurant, clearly visible on a not-too distant ridge. A nascent fantasy of steaming pork buns and tasty takoyaki was abruptly banished from her mind when she spied two men running from the building and in another direction away from her. One was obviously chasing the other, who was holding a large bowl of... porridge! That would do very nicely to start!

o-o-o

Following Ranma's path up the surprisingly gentle slope, Ukyo had quickly gained on her short opponent, her competitiveness, easily a match for Ranchan's hunger. She was within calling distance, when Ranma suddenly changed direction. She ran towards two figures that Ukyo had just noticed some hundred metres away.The chef quickly detoured toward the pair, one of them seemingly being pursued by, and escaping from the other. She didn't like to jump to conclusions, but it was pretty clear that the fleeing man was a thief. She groaned. Pops may have been a pain, but he'd instilled (or rather drilled) the tenets of a martial artist's honour into Ranma and herself for so long that it became decidingly difficult to ignore her duty in this situation.

She made a beeline for the thief, reaching him just as she heard her fiancée's high-pitched (and not exactly lady-like) cry.

"Gimme that!"This was punctuated with a flying kick that sent the thief sprawling. Blinking at the airborne man, Ukyo turned to the redhead who cheered, "Itadakimasu!" before wolfing down what Ukyo now realised was porridge. She smacked her forehead when she saw the other man, huffing as hedashed towards them.

"Now that we're gonna have to pay for this, you may as well give me some," demanded Ukyo, grumpily wrestling the dish from Ranma's grasp.

"Ucchan?" questioned the surprised redhead as the chef began tucking into her porridge. "When did you...hey that's mine!" she whined. Ranma turned when she heard the other guy yelling at them in Mandarin. Seeing that Ukyo had already downed the bowl; she plucked it from her hands and presented it to the breathless, moustached man. "More please!" she intoned impishly, as Ukyo stepped beside her. The tall man responded by reaching forward with both hands and partially pulling open both of their gis.

"Thanks god! You're women," he announced in Japanese. He received stereo fists to the cranium as both girls shrieked in unison,

"Keep your hands to yourself, creep!" The blinked simultaneously and turned to face one another over the prostrated form of their would-be molester. Ranma began,

"Woah, that was..."

"Eerie," finished Ukyo, looking down at the unconscious form. "Who is...?"

"I'm pretty sure he works in the restaurant," Ranma informed the chef, indicating the building on the ridge. "I saw him running out of there after the other guy like a bat out of hell."

"Why'd the weirdo grab at us?" she grumbled, tightening the front of her gi.

"Beats me. After all, look at 'im, Ucchan. He's way too grizzled to be into perverted stuff. I mean, old guys can't be hentais, right?"

o-o-o

The sinister snicker caused even Fate to shudder... metaphorically.

o-o-o

"I guess," agreed the taller girl.

o-o-o

Genma paused in his munching; a bamboo branch having broken in half before he could bite into it, as he experienced a horrible foreboding. It soon passed, and he nervously resumed eating, wondering if going back to Japan was such a good idea after all.

o-o-o

"Thanks you, Kasumi," gratefully replied Soun Tendo, Master of the Tendo School of anything Goes Martial Arts. "It looks delicious! I can't wait to - "

"Oh dear, Father. You're chopsticks have broken," identified the seemingly demure girl. "Here," she said helpfully, "have another pair." Soun woodenly took the new chopsticks as he gulped back a terrible premonition. Wordlessly, he stood and returned to the family table with a bottle of sake.

o-o-o

"Let's get him back to the restaurant," suggested Ranma. "I'm still hungry," she moaned.

Soon, both girls were tucking into steaming bowls of ramen, in the otherwise empty 'Healthy Greens' restaurant. The bruise-sporting owner chatted amiably with the two. He didn't appear at all perturbed that they'd both knocked him for a loop several minutes earlier. In fact, he seemed more relieved than anything else. Ukyo questioned him as to why he seemed so cheerful.

"Ah miss, you see," he began in fluent Japanese, "that porridge you two ate was my restaurant's secret dish." He paused, and fished around his robes for a few moments, before presenting what looked like a short piece of string to the pair. "It was made with stock from this Dragon's Whisker."

"Dragon's Whisker?" repeated Ranma, though a mouthful of noodles. "What's that?"

"It is a powerful medicine used in Chinese herbal cooking," explained the owner. "It has no effect on women, but should a man eat it, his ambition will come true, and his joy will be assured."

"A man's ambition, huh?" mumbled Ranma quietly to herself, already moving unobtrusively towards a kettle on the countertop. Ukyo listened as the restauranter continued his story.

"Wars have been fought over the Dragon's Whisker," he said ominously, "causing the deaths of countless men." He smiled despite the sombre tale. "Thank goodness you're both women," he gushed, unaware of Ranma raising the steaming kettle above her head. "If you had been men..." His words died as a now male Ranma placed a hand on his shoulder from behind. "What?" blanched the owner. "You really are a man!"

"Cut the jokes," growled the seething, steam-shrouded Ranma. "Is this what you call a man's ambition?" he snarled, not having to point to the two metres of hair trailing from his scalp to the floor.

"Ranchan!" cried Ukyo, running to her fiancé's side. "Oh, god!" The owner's eyes widened as he looked at Ukyo.

"J-Jusenkyo?" he stuttered. She nodded frantically, as he grabbed a beaker and quickly threw it at Ranma, drenching the martial artist. "You see," he pointed out, "women are immune to," he was cut off by Ukyo's scream, as the chef's already abundant hair began to creep down his legs.

"Ucchan!" exclaimed Ranma, tripping on her train of hair like a red carpet as she tried to move toward Ukyo.

"Oh no, not the both of you!" groaned the owner as he reached for the still half-filled kettle behind the redhead. "Stand away," he ordered the short girl as he as he tossed the contents onto the struggling Ukyo. Calmed slightly, now that she was back in her uncursed form, the chef quieted down as she sat amidst a bedding of her own hair - the weights she had tied into her braid spread about her - and collected herself enough to ask,

"What the hell...?" she gulped and Ranma picked up the question.

"What the hell is going on?" demanded the angry redhead, her petite form nearly lost within a tangledmane of scarlet tresses. Seeing the two cursed martial artists quieten, the restaurateur explained again,

"I told you both thatthe Dragon's Whisker is a powerful medicine. It is used to cure baldness in already afflicted men. As you heard, it has no effect on women. But should a man who is not bald take the whisker, its potency will shed him of all of his existing hair," he finished, his voice nearly cracking.

"Then how do we cure it?" asked Ukyo from the floor, as Ranma leaned down and squeezed her hand. The proprietor shook his head with finality.

"I am sorry, but there is no cure." Seeing the two girls about to react angrily, he held up his hand in a placating gesture. "However, the effects can be sealed until the potency wears off."

"How long will that take?" asked Ranma warily, but suddenly feeling a lot better.

"I would suppose a few months, maybe six," he answered succinctly.

"Great," said Ranma happily, as the small girl awkwardly helped her taller companion to her feet. "So, how do you seal it?"

"With this," he answered holding up the Dragon's Whisker, and handing it to Ranma. "Once you tie your hair off with the whisker, the original effect will be sealed." Ranma nodded, 'hmphing' her understanding, as Ukyo looked at the tall man expectantly. "I am very sorry, miss, but that is the only whisker I have in stock." The two martial artists blanched.

"Can't you get another one?" asked Ukyo.

"Indeed I can," he answered noticing both if them visibly calming down. "I'll be leaving on a trip to my suppliers within the month. If you wish, you two can accompany me, and acquire another whisker."

"Uh huh," nodded Ranma, "and where's your supplier at?"

"At a village called Joketsuzoku, several daysjourney from..." he trailed off as he noticed both martial artists had facefaulted. Recovering, a vexed Ranma asked,

"Is there maybe, I dunno, anywhere else you can get another of these things?" indicating thestring she held.

"I'm sorry, but the Dragon's Whisker is a rare and very precious item. In fact, I would appreciate your word that you will return that whisker you're holding once your use for it as a seal has passed." He fumbled about and found a pair of large scissors. "If you'll please follow me outside?"

Twenty minutes of shearing later, the pair now sported thigh-length hair; Ranma's much longer than before.

"So I just tie my hair like this?" asked Ranma as she began braiding her hair.

"And what do you suppose you're doing, Ranchan?" inquired Ukyo, raising a slender eyebrow.

"Well, I'm," began the redhead sheepishly, as Ukyo glared at her. "I mean it's not as though you'll need the whisker, 'cos you're a girl and all," sputtered Ranma weakly.

"Uh-huh," replied the brunette dryly, "and when it rains?" Ranma sweated.

"Well, I'm sure this guy has an umbrella he could spare us..." Ukyo's hand reached to draw her spatula, but the restaurant owned interjected.

"You two are in quite the dilemma," he said, ponderously twirling his moustache. "But I think I have something that might help." He disappeared behind the counter and into another room. The Japanese pair heard mumbled swearing in several languages as well the sound of boxes and drawers being rifled through. Some minutes later he returned with a triumphant smirk, a small box in his hands. "I knew I had some left," he said more to himself than the girls.

"What's that?" asked Ranma cautiously as he set the small wooden container before them. He raised a hand to the air in an exultant pose, and proclaimed,

"This contains several bars of Jusenkyo Waterproof Soap!" His pose wavered when their reaction was stereo, confused blinks. He deflated, and explained, "It is a product that one can use that will prevent a Jusenkyo victim's curse from triggering." The girls gasped. 'That's better', he thought, a little smugly. "It works by creating a tiny waterproof layer around the user's skin so that water can't touch you."

Ranma and Ukyo both stared in awe at the box. This wasn't such a bad day after all. Suddenly, they high-fived and engulfed the owner in a double-bear hug. The man gasped, or tried to, as he felt several blood vessels, perhaps all of them, about to rupture. He was saved, as they simultaneously released him, as Ranma gruffly thanked him,then announced,

"This is perfect, Ucchan! We can use the soap to get rid of these curses in the meantime, and 'cos you'll be back to normal, you won't need the whisker." She happily declared, "It's about time we caught a break!"

"That would be so," agreed the owner, "if the soap were at all reliable." The celebrations died instantly.

"Come again?" muttered the redhead dangerously. Ukyo was slightly less unsettled, asking

"It's not reliable?" With a sigh, he elucidated.

"Actually, under any circumstances other than being cursed, it is remarkably reliable. But, seeing as it's made specifically for curse victims, its value becomes somewhat muted, wouldn't you agree?"

"Did you understand any of that, Ucchan?" asked the addled Saotome. Ukyo replied with a blank stare. "Me neither." The proprietor frowned,

"How long have you two been cursed?" They told him. "Only a matter of days?" A depressed susurrus escaped him. It seemed he was destined to be the bearer of bad news today, much like that annoying Jusenkyo Guide. "Something you two, and any cursed person will eventually realise, is that you are essentially a water magnet. This is part of the magic of the curse, I'm afraid, constantly trying to trigger itself. I should warn you that you'll probably find yourselves being splashed at the most inopportune of times."

"Like when?" asked Ranma warily.

"You'll see for yourselves soon enough," he replied sympathetically. "Nothing is the world is truly waterproof, but this soap will make you extremely water-resistant. That is where the problem lies."

"Whad'ya mean?"

"The soap will make you water resistant, and on any normal person, nothing short of standing outside all day in the rain will wash it off. But for a cursed individual, taking a stroll equates to the same thing. You will be splashed repeatedly, even more so than if you weren't wearing the soap, as the curse compensates to try and trigger itself." Ukyo's furrowed her brow prettily,

"So, the soap is only good as a temporary, preventative measure."

"And considerin' what you said about water splashing at inopportune times," added Ranma banefully, "the soap is pretty much useless to a cursed person." He nodded. 'At least they were a bright pair of young girls. Well, half the time at any rate,' he supposed.

"And figurin' that only someone with a curse would have a use for the soap in the first place," she clenched her fists and continued darkly, becoming steadily angrier with the owner for getting her hopes up, "that makes the soap completely friggin' worthless! " The moustached man held up his hands appeasingly.

"Not entirely," he intoned suggestively. Ranma narrowed her eyes.

"Go on."

"While the Jusenkyo victim attracts water in their uncursed form, there is no such allurement while in their cursed state," he clarified. A moment later, Ukyo's eyes boggled, as she tried and failed to stifle a giggle. Ranma squinted at her companion's reaction. 'What was that about?' Ukyo stared in amused wonder as she practically saw the gears turning in Ranma's head.

'So the cursed state didn't attract water like the uncursed form...and here we have soap that can make you waterproof, er, resistant... and only one Dragon's Whisker... but we can't keep Ukyo from changin' to a guy... or me from changing into a girl... only one of us can... but we can keep me...' Ranma's mouth opened in a perfect 'O'.

"No... freaking...WAY!"

Some time later, Ukyo and the restaurateur were chatting amiably about seafood preparation, having long since tuned out the frantic redhead's continuous loud protestations.

"Oh yeah, I meant to ask you," began the chef. "How come you know all this? About Jusenkyo and curses, I mean?" she elucidated."And the soap? Are you cursed too?" She quickly amended, "If that's not too intrusive?"

"Of course not, young lady," he answered good-naturedly. "It's only prudent to have knowledge of the magics I come across in my work. After all, I pass near Jusenkyo whenever I travel to Joketsuzoku for supplies." She nodded, but wasn't really satisfied with his answer. "But there is more," he continued, and she perked up. "Like you, my niece's son also has a Jusenkyo curse. That's why I had the leftover soap. I'd acquired it at my niece's request several month's ago, but the lad wouldn't wear it." At Ukyo's unasked question, he expounded, "As it turned out, he liked his cursed form," he finished with a shudder. Raising an eyebrow, the brunette asked incredulously,

"Really? What does he turn into?" The tall man shook his head tiredly.

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you."

"I'm not doing it!" screeched the indignant girl with a particularly powerful displacement of air.

"It's either this, or you get to follow Pops into the ranks of the folically challenged," spelled out Ukyo calmly."It's only until we can get cured. A month or two won't hurt, right?"

"Six months," corrected Ranma coolly.

"Not so, young lady," said the owner. Ranma cringed at the epithet. "As I said, I'll be restocking within the month. I do feel partially responsible for your situation -"

"Partially?"

Ignoring the outburst, he continued.

"I can give you the restaurant's phone number, and when you have returned home you can ring me and tell me where you're staying." During his chat with Ukyo, she let him know that they rarely stayed in one place for long. "I'll send you on another Dragon's Whisker, which you can return with the first, once the effects of the porridge have worn off the both of you." Ukyo tried to placate her stubborn fiancée.

"Like I said, Ranchan. It's just for a couple of months." Seeing the redhead was still fuming, a recent memory shot into the forefront of the chef's mind. "Do this Ranchan, and it'll cover your forfeit," she said sneakily. Ranma's brow crinkled in confusion for a moment, but her eyes soon widened into two shiny blue spheres. She grimaced, and grabbed the soap from the old man.

"It'll cover it and then some," muttered Ranma unhappily. "Ucchan, I'm so gonna get you for...What!"

"Just..." she wheezed, "You look so... cute grumbling like that!" Ranma's nostrils flared, and she seethed even more.

"Where's the bathroom?" she demanded, when Ukyo fell to the floor guffawing uproariously.

o-o-o

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Author's Note: The site continues to remove random spaces from my chapters. I can't catch them all.