He came up from behind her and kissed her on the head. He liked to do that. She put up with it, numbing herself to his touch.
Tony used to do that.
Her skin crawled, but she didn't know if it was the memory or unfamiliar touch that irked her. He tangled his hands in her hair and smelled it. She quickly stood and pulled away from him.
Tony used to do that.
After she left him, she began to straighten her hair simply due to Tony's love for her curls. She was suddenly thankful for her resentment of memory. No one would tangle their hands in her curls.
Tony used to do that.
"What's wrong?"
'Everything, can't you see? This isn't what my life was supposed to be. He would understand.'
"Nothing."
'We were supposed to live happily ever after, lie in a fairy tale. Now I feel like Juliet, waiting for my Romeo. This is death - the cold, dark endlessness. If only it were real.'
"I'm tired." she lied. She wasn't tired, although she hadn't slept since before Tony's arrest. She was exhausted, yet wide awake.
And then she heard the song in her head.
I'm so tired, but I can't sleep.
I'm standing on the edge of something much too deep.
She looked at her arm, the healing proof that she was still alive. And her mind cried.
"It's funny how we feel so much…" she sang softly, "And cannot say a word."
"What?" he demanded, walking over to her.
We are screaming inside, but can't be heard.
If he was here, her Tony, he would know what was wrong. He would know that her heart was aching. He wouldn't question her emotions as she herself did, but he would understand. He wouldn't even need to ask why.
This man didn't know her. He didn't sense every emotion or hesitation. He wasn't understanding. He didn't care. He didn't know her heart.
I will remember you…
After all they had been through, she couldn't forget. She couldn't block it out.
Will you remember me?
She thought of him. Where was he just then? It felt like a cliché, but she wondered if he thought of her, or if he was also trying to forget. There was so much to forget.
Don't let your life pass you by.
She didn't want to be this woman. It made her feel heavy, knowing what she had become. There wasn't even a name for what she now was, and she didn't search for it.
Weep not for the memories.
She whirled around. "You need to leave." The words pierced her own heart. This was not the first time she had used those words, and she faltered.
She wished she had never used them. Then she wouldn't be here. This wouldn't be happening. There would be nothing to regret.
Tears welled up in her, remorse for what she had done. He questioned her, but she regained composure and insisted still.
He silently turned and walked out the door, turning around to close it so that he could look at her one more time before leaving. And she choked back a sob, remembering her inner struggle.
Tony used to do that.
