Chapter 6
I awake early from another disturbing dream. I dreamt of holding Marie in my arms and kissing her soft lips. As I am about to climb out of my coffin I hear my name being called from down the hall.
Hurrying down the hall I do not bother to knock on Marie's door for she sounds frantic. "Did you have another nightmare, Marie?" I ask as I enter the room. She is as white as a ghost and trembling badly. I quickly go to her side and without even thinking I pull her into my arms. "Hush, I am here," I say soothingly as I gently caress her back. "Do not cry, you are safe. No one can hurt you... I will not allow it. It was only a dream." She is clinging tightly to me and I cannot help but enjoy the feel of her body against mine. Her trembling has subsided since I took her into my arms but she is still very pale and is unable to stop her tears from falling. "Do you want to tell me about it?" I ask, thinking that it may help to ease her troubled mind.
"I... was so... frightened... Erik," she says between sobs. "It was... the same dream... as yesterday. They were beating me... and you tried to save me but they... they killed you. I cannot bear... the thought of you... dead," She finishes as she clings even tighter to me and continues to cry.
I ease her away from me just enough for me to see her face before saying, "Marie, you must listen to me. Those men are dead. I am alive. They did not kill me nor will they ever have the opportunity to do so. I can guarantee that no one will ever harm you again. I will not allow it." My words seem to calm her for she is no longer sobbing. Finding a clean handkerchief, I wipe her tears away.
"Thank you," she says as she gazes up at me. "You are correct... it was only a bad dream. Forgive me for being so childish." With that she pulls away and lowers her head in shame.
"Forgive me, I did not mean to sound harsh, I am not very good at comforting others," I say as I place a finger under her chin and tilt her lovely face up to look into her eyes once more. "I do not think it childish to be frightened by a dream. You have been through a great deal in the past month. Witnessing the murder of your parents, being forced to live on the streets with your brother, then being attacked that night. That is more than anyone deserves to be put through in an entire lifetime. Your mind it trying to deal with all that has happened. I am sure that you try not to think about it while you are awake, therefore, your mind tries to sort everything out while you are sleeping. This is why you have been having such frightening nightmares." As I finish I gently pull her back into my arms and hold her close, wishing that I could erase all the pain she has been through this past month. I would gladly hold her like this for the rest of my life if it meant that she would never have another nightmare. Oh, she feels so good in my arms. I would like nothing more than to hold her like this forever. After a few moments of sitting like this she slowly eases out of my arms.
Looking up at me she asks, "What am I to do when my injuries are healed and my stitches have been removed? Surely you will wash your hands of me. I have been so much trouble to you. My own flesh and blood would not take on the burden of my brother and I. I cannot expect you to continue to bear such a burden as this." A single tear makes its way down her soft cheek.
"Do not be foolish," I say sternly as I gently wipe the tear away with the pad of my thumb. Her skin is so soft beneath my touch. "I told you yesterday that my home is yours for as long as you choose to stay here. I would never force you to leave here and live on the streets. You have been no trouble to me at all and I do not think of you and Charles as a burden. A blessing maybe, but never a burden."
"You mean that I may stay here?" she asks doubtfully, leaning back from me and gazing at me with a look on her face that I cannot decipher.
Does she not wish to remain here? Would she rather live on the streets than here with me? Was that what last night was all about after all? Was she just trying to guarantee her and Charles a place to stay? If so, did she decide that she would rather live on the streets than to bear the touch of a monster? I move out of her grasp and away from the bed to stand at a distance before I speak. Knowing that she must choose to stay here of her own free will and not out of fear for living on the streets I say, "Of course you may stay. But, if you do not wish to remain here with me I will not force you to. I will provide you a safe place above ground where you will never have to worry about your brother or yourself. The choice is yours."
"Of course I will stay here Erik," she says as she smiles at me, genuine happiness showing in her eyes as she holds out her hand to me, beckoning me to return to her side. "I can think of no place I'd rather stay. But, only if you truly want me here," she says with a serious look returning to her face as I take her offered hand in mine and reseat myself on the bed.
"My dear, I have lived alone most of my life. I have never had any desire to share my home with anyone... except Christine. Before I brought Charles and you here I had vowed that I would bring you here and care for your wounds but as soon as you were well enough I would wash my hands of you. However, things change, and I find myself wondering how I had lived down here without the two of you." I surprise even myself with those last words.
"When did you change your mind?" she asks as she tilts her head to the side and gazes up at me with an intrigued look on her face, her hand still holding mine in its delicate yet firm grasp.
Thinking about her question for a moment I finally come up with an answer, "it was when you had awoken from a nightmare and allowed me to hold you in my arms and looked upon my unmasked face without fear."
"How could I fear the man who saved my life?" she questions as if shocked that I could think such a thing to be possible. "You are a wonderful man and I am not the least bit bothered by your face." Having said this she reaches out her free hand to caress my ravaged cheek. Looking at me very seriously once again she says, "it wasn't the dream this morning that caused me to behave like that... I knew that it had only been a bad dream."
"If not the dream then what was it that upset you so?" I ask, suddenly concerned that something else had happened.
"When I first awoke from the dream I had been upset by the though of losing you and with that I realized how much I have grown to depend on you in these past few days. I realized last night that I care for you a great deal. I cannot begin to imagine my life without you in it, Erik. That fact is what upset me so... the thought of having to leave here when I became well enough. I know that you love Charles I can see it in the way you look at him. However, I am unsure of what you feel for me but I believe that you care for me as well." With that she releases my hand and leans forward, easing herself into my arms.
"Oh, Marie, what are you doing to me? I never thought anything could feel as wonderful as when I hold you in my arms. You make me forget about my horrid face. You make me feel normal!" I say as I hold her close, trying to comprehend what she has just admitted to. She cares for me. She wishes to remain here with me... not for fear of living on the streets but because she truly cares for me. How can this be possible? How could anyone care for me in this way? Am I simply dreaming? I am not dreaming... this feels much too real to be a dream.
"When you hold me in your arms I feel as though I am in heaven." She says with a sigh as she snuggles closer to me. Her words echo my feelings, leading me to the conclusion that this must be what heaven feels like.
We stay like this for a few moments until Charles wakes. "I shall go prepare him a bottle," I say as I reluctantly ease away from her.
"While you are gone I will change his diaper," Marie says as she tosses the quilt aside. She is not at all embarrassed by the fact that she is wearing only the white cotton nightgown I had placed on her that night. She then proceeds to get up and walk over to the crib and I cannot help but follow her movements with my eyes. "I thought you were going to get a bottle for Charles." she states as she turns to me with a sly smile on her face.
I turn red immediately, embarrassed that I had been caught gawking at her like that. I quickly turn away from the sight of her by the crib and, having regained my composure, I quickly say, "forgive me, I was just leaving." I then hurry out the door and down the hall to the kitchen to fix Charles a bottle.
As I go about the task of preparing the bottle I try to sort out all these confusing feelings. She is correct I do love Charles. But, how can she know that yet not know what I feel for her? I am in love with her, I figured that out last night, but could she love me? She says she cares for me a great deal... enough to cause her to become quite upset at the thought of leaving here. Dare I believe that she could ever love me? Why does she confuse me so? I dare say she does look quite lovely in that nightgown. Her robe was at the bottom of the bed... why did she not put it on before going to the crib? Why did she not wait until I had left the room before getting out of bed? She is driving me mad for I can think of nothing but her!
"Is the bottle ready yet, Erik?" Marie calls from down the hall, interrupting my confusing thoughts.
"It will be ready in a few minutes," I call as I quickly test the bottle to make sure that it is not too hot. Finding that it is I decide to get dressed while I wait for it to cool. Completing this task I test the bottle once more and, satisfied that it is not too hot, I hurry back down the hall to Marie's room. As I enter the room I see that she is sitting on the sofa with Charles in her arms. She has also gotten dressed while I was gone. She is wearing a soft pink dress that looks very lovely on her. Charles sees me as I enter the room and follows me with his eyes as I walk across the room. Standing in front of Marie I gaze down at him and he smiles up at me as he reaches towards me to be held. He lets out a squeal of delight as I take him from Marie's arms before sitting on the sofa next to her.
"He really is quite fond of you," she points out once more as she moves closer to me on the sofa.
"Yes, he does seem to be," I say as I offer him the bottle which he accepts greedily.
"And you are quite fond of him also, are you not?" she asks as she rests her head against my shoulder.
"I am," I admit as I savor the feel of her so close.
"Will you promise me something, Erik?" she asks as she looks up at me, her expression suddenly serious.
"What do you wish for me to promise you?" I ask a bit skeptically leaning away from her slightly so that I can read her face more clearly. What could she possibly want me to promise her that I have not already? I have promised her that she could stay here as long as she likes and that I would not allow anyone to ever harm her again. What more could she ask of me?
"Promise me that if anything were to happen to me that you will take care of Charles," she says as her eyes fill with tears.
"What could possibly happen to you?" I ask, concerned by this sudden request. Is she dying? "Is something wrong that you are not telling me?"
Seeing the concerned look on my face, she says, "There is nothing wrong with me Erik. It is just that in the past month so much has happened in my life that I cannot help but want to make sure that if something would happen to me that my brother is well taken care of."
"I promise you that nothing bad will ever happen to you or your brother as long as I am alive to prevent it." I say very seriously. "If anything were to happen to you I would care for your brother as though he were my own son."
Marie moves from the sofa and stands before me. "Thank you, Erik," she says. "You do not know how much that means to me." With that said she places her hands on my shoulders, slowly leans forward, and kisses me softly on the cheek. She keeps her lips pressed to my scarred skin for a few moments before pulling back slowly. The feel of this simple contact is exquisite. If not for the fact that I am holding Charles I would be very tempted to pull her into my arms and return the gesture.
"You are quite welcome, my dear," I reply not knowing what else to say. Looking down at Charles I see that he is finished with his bottle and is falling asleep once again, not paying any mind to our actions.
Following the direction of my gaze, Marie notices this also. "Here, let me put him in the crib." She offers. I nod my approval and she removes him from my arms. I cannot help but watch the graceful way she walks as she carries him to the crib. Afraid of being caught staring again I get up, adverting my eyes and walk across the room to stand beside her.
"You must be hungry, what would you like for breakfast?" I ask as I look down at Charles who is now sleeping.
"Eggs, toast, and tea will do nicely," she says as she looks up at me with those bright blue eyes. She places her hand in mine and gives it a playful squeeze. "May I join you in the kitchen?" she asks.
"But of course you may," I reply as I wonder at the feel of her hand in mine. It feels perfectly natural to be standing here like this.
"Thank you," she says. With her hand still in mine, we leave the room and walk the short distance to the kitchen. Releasing her hand I pull out a chair for her. "Thank you," she says once more.
"You are quite welcome, my dear." I say as I begin the task of preparing her breakfast. It is a simple breakfast and does not take long to complete. Placing a plate in front of her, I then serve tea for both of us before sitting down across from her.
"Are you not eating?" she asks as I take a sip of tea.
"No, I am not hungry right now." I reply as I set my cup down. "I will eat later though." I add as I pick up my cup and take another sip of tea.
"That's right, you told me the other day that you do not eat much." She says as she pauses with her fork midway to her mouth. "Have you always been that way?" she asks as she tilts her head to the side slightly, inquisitively.
"Yes," I reply. "Even as an infant I did not eat very often... only when I really needed to which was fine with my mother at first because it meant she did not have to hold me. But it became rather irritating to her when I got older because she thought I was much too thin." I explain.
"Mothers can be like that although I cannot understand why your mother did not wish to hold you. If I had been her I would have held you that much more." She says before resuming the act of eating.
"How can you possibly say that?" I question, stunned by what she has just said. She could not possibly mean that.
"Say what?" she asks innocently, taking another bite of her toast followed by a sip of her tea.
"How can you say that you would have been any different than my mother? She could not understand how something as ugly as I had come from the joining of a very handsome husband and an equally beautiful wife. I would hate to think what my father would have done if he had lived to see my mother give birth to me. Perhaps he would have done what my mother wished she had done... drowned me in the well." I say as I set my tea down once more and stand up, turning towards the counter not wishing for her to witness the emotions the remembrance of my mother's words provoke.
"Erik, I wish that I could erase all the pain your mother has caused you but I know that I cannot. As you said yourself the other morning, 'It is over now. It is in the past.' You need to look forward to the future and realize that there are at least two people who are nothing like your mother." With that said she sets her fork aside and gets up from the table. She walks around the table to stand behind me. Placing her arms around me, she presses herself against me and lays her head against my back.
Her touch eases my anguish instantly. The feel of her so close is driving me mad. I would like nothing more than to turn around right now and return this embrace. Why is she doing this? What did she mean by saying that there are at least two people who are nothing like my mother? "Do you have any idea what you are doing to me?" I ask unable to keep from voicing this question any longer. I take her hands in mine and gently ease their hold on me. This allows me to turn around to face her.
Taking a reluctant step back so that she can look up at me more easily she says, "I do not know, Erik. I have never behaved like this before and I am not quite sure why I am now but it just feels so natural. I have never been one to be so forward about such things but it seems that I cannot help but act upon these strange feelings. I have never known a man as wonderful as you. When I am sitting close to you or being held in your arms I feel as though the rest of the world has ceased to exist and it is quite an exquisite feeling." As she finishes she takes a step forward and wraps her arms around me once more. I cannot help but place my arms around her and hold her close. Yes, it truly is an exquisite feeling.
"Oh, Marie," I sigh as I close my eyes and savor the feel of her so close. After a moment I give into the urge and cautiously lower my head until my lips touch the top of her head. She smells so good and her hair feels so soft against my skin. As I make this simple contact she snuggles closer to me as though she is enjoying this. Her reaction surprises me for she did not pull away from me or ask me to stop. "I would like nothing more than to hold you like this forever," I say not realizing I voiced this thought aloud until she replies.
"I can think of nothing I would like more," she says as she lifts her face to mine and kisses me softly on the cheek. Not only does the fact that I admitted that to her surprise me but her reaction to it shocks me. The feel of her lips pressed gently against my cheek is a wonderful feeling.
Knowing that if we remain like this much longer I am not going to be able to fight the urge to kiss those soft lips, I ask, "Would you like to go to the study for a while?" I then reluctantly ease my hold on her.
"I would like that very much, Erik," she says as she eases herself from my arms but quickly takes my hand in hers. We walk hand in hand down the hall to the study, neither one of us leading this time. "Will you play for me, Erik?" she asks when we enter the study.
"But of course I will, my dear. Did you have a certain piece in mind?" I ask as I release her hand and sit down at the organ.
"No, I'm sure that anything you play will be fine," she says as she settles down next to me on the bench. She does not sit too close for she realizes that if she crowds me I will not be able to play properly. Deciding on some happy tunes I begin to play.
Marie seems to be enjoying the music that I have selected for when I glance her way she has a content look on her face.
I continue to play for over an hour before stopping. "You play magnificently, Erik," she says as she moves closer to me on the bench. "I take it you have written most of those pieces."
"Thank you, my dear. I am glad that you enjoyed them and yes, I did write most of them," I say as she rests her head against my shoulder and I find myself immediately enjoying the feel of her so close. "Would you like to read for a while?" I ask, remembering the way we sat last night when we were reading, it had been wonderful. I would much rather read with her close by my side than to play with her keeping out of my way.
"That sounds like a lovely idea," she says as she stands up and retrieves our books from where I had placed them last night. Sitting on the sofa, she leans against my side and I place my arm about her shoulders. We remain like this as we become absorbed in our books. I love the feel of her so close and I cannot help but wonder what it would be like to fall asleep with her in my arms. Would she ever permit me to do such a thing? Can I even hope to kiss her soft lips?
After an hour and a half of content reading Charles begins to cry. Marie sets her book aside and makes a move to get up but I stop her, saying, "Stay here and read. I will go see to him."
"Alright," she says as she settles back and picks up her book.
I stand up and quickly leave the room. Upon entering Marie's room Charles sees me. He stops crying almost immediately and reaches out to be picked up. Wanting him to never feel neglected like I had been I take the few steps to the crib and gently pick him up.
"Good morning, Charles," I say as he smiles up at me. "What was all the fuss about?" I ask in a soft tone. Noting that he has a wet diaper I get the blanket, clean clothes, and a clean diaper from his bag. He giggles and squirms as I place him on the blanket which I have spread out on the bed. Removing his pajamas is much easier than undressing him the first time... even with the squirming. I bathe him and change his diaper without picking myself with the safety pin this time. After dressing him in clean clothes I pick him up as I think about how terrified I had been the first time I had changed him. It was a very simple task now that I know how to go about it.
Figuring that he is most likely hungry I carry him down the hall to the kitchen to warm some milk. As I wait for the milk I remember the string of bells Mademoiselle Perrault had placed across my crib for me to play with as an infant. I had frightened my mother so when she discovered I could play beautiful melodies on those bells. Pushing those memories from my mind I decide that Charles might like something to play with. I take him past Marie's room to the storage room where I have it packed away. It does not take me long to find it for I remember which box it was packed in. Taking both ends in one hand I dangle it above Charles who immediately grabs at it while giggling. I carry him back to Marie's room and place him in the crib before stringing the bells across the crib as they had been when I was a baby. He reaches up and swings at them laughing at the sound that they make when his hand strikes them. Remembering his bottle I hurry back to the kitchen leaving him to play.
Making sure that the milk is not too hot I fix his bottle and return to Marie's room. Charles is still playing with the bells as I enter the room. I am glad that I thought of them. "Are you hungry Charles?" I ask softly as I approach the crib. Upon hearing my voice he pauses in his play and looks my way. Seeing the bottle he abandons the bells and reaches out to me. I pick him up and carry him over to the sofa. Sitting down, I offer him the bottle which he sucks at hungrily. I meant what I said this morning... I will take care of Charles as if he were my own son.
"There you are," Marie says as she sticks her head in the open doorway. "I looked for you in the kitchen and saw that you were warming some milk but you were not there and I looked for you in here but there was no sign of you. I was beginning to get worried. But I see that you are both fine," she says as she crosses the room and sits beside me on the sofa.
"I am sorry to have worried you, my dear. I came in here to change Charles then I took him with me to the kitchen to warm him some milk. While I was doing that I remembered something I had when I was his age so I took him with me to the storage room which is the room at the end of the hall. If you had called for me I would have answered." I finish, looking at her apologetically.
"It is I who should apologize," she says. "I knew that were ever he was he would be safe with you. I should not act like such a worrisome mother... after all I am only his sister."
"Marie, you are the only mother he will ever know. He is too young to remember his real parents. You have every right to act like a worrisome mother for when your parents died you became his mother." I say gently. Charles has finished his bottle and is now watching the two of us contently. I set the bottle aside and place an arm around Marie's shoulders.
"What am I to do when he starts talking? Should I allow him to call me mother or should I insist on him calling me Marie? If I do that how am I going to explain to a child what happened to our parents?" she questions me as she looks up at me with pleading eyes.
"That is something that you have to figure out on your own, my dear." I say soothingly. "I am afraid that I cannot make that decision for you. It is a decision that only you can make."
"You're quite right, Erik. This is a decision that I will have to be comfortable with the rest of my life," she says as she leans against me, "but how can I be sure that I made the correct choice?"
"Well, you could always let him decide," I say as a thought comes to mind.
"What do you mean?" Marie asks as she looks up at me with a puzzled look on her face.
"When I was a baby I started calling my mother 'momma' without her encouragement. As a matter of fact she never once had referred to herself as my mother prior to that. I just knew somehow." I say, remembering that night I had climbed out of the crib, turning it onto its side in the process, and tottered out into the hall. My mother nearly fainted when she seen me on my feet not to mention when I had spoken that word over and over again.
"That is a splendid idea!" she says as she hugs me. "But if he chooses to call me mother when he's old enough to understand should I tell him the truth?"
"That is something you will have to decide. You are old enough to be his mother and he would never know that you are not his true mother, after all, he has your blue eyes and your smile." I say as I compare the two of them. "But if you feel that it is disrespectful to your parents for him to never know then you should tell him when the time is right. It is for you to decide when and how."
After thinking this over for some time, she says, "If he calls you father what will you do?"
Having never given any thought to this, the possibility of being called father comes as a complete shock to me. Giving it serious thought now though, I say, "If he were to call me father I would allow it... unless, of course, you do not want him to." I add, wondering how Marie is going to react. Why would she allow her brother to think of me as his father?
"I was hoping that you would allow it," she says as she smiles up at me. As she snuggles against my side once more, she adds, "He is going to need a father to teach him things that mothers know nothing about."
I can hardly believe that we are sitting here discussing this. If he thinks of her as his mother and me as his father would that not make us a family? Does Marie have any idea what is at stake here? What she is suggesting is absurd! It will be a few months before Charles even begins to talk. Marie is talking like she plans to stay down here with me forever. She is talking of raising her brother down here. Why? How could she possibly wish to remain down here with me for such a long time? She has been here for less than a week and is acting like she wishes to settle down and raise a family here with me? How could this be?
"Is something wrong, Erik?" she asks, startling me. Quickly pushing these troublesome thoughts aside I see that she is looking up at me with concern. "Did I say something wrong?" she asks.
"I am sorry, my dear, I was just thinking," I say, wondering if I should confront her with these thoughts or if I should just let things play themselves out in time.
"Are you sure? You look troubled," she observes.
"I was just thinking of what you are suggesting." I say cautiously, not sure how to go about this.
"And what is it that I am suggesting, Erik?" she asks as she turns to face me more directly.
"It will be several months before Charles even begins to talk." I begin carefully. "How can you be sure that you will still wish to be down here with me? You have been here for less than a week... I am sure that you will become bored down here in less than a month's time."
"Are you trying to tell me that you do not wish for me to be here?" she asks as a hurt look comes over her face and I see tears welling up in her eyes.
I had not meant to upset her. "Of course not, Marie," I say quickly, placing my hand on her arm. "It is just that I find it hard to believe that anyone would wish to stay here with me. The way you were talking leads me to believe that you wish to stay down here with me forever. The thought of you willingly staying here with me comes as a shock to me. You are welcome to stay here for as long as you want... forever if you wish, but do not expect me to understand why you would want to stay with me. And the thought of you willingly allowing your brother to think of me, a monster, as his father is something I find hard to believe as well. Do you realize that if he thinks of you as his mother and me as his father he is going to think of us as a family? In his eyes it will be as though we are husband and wife."
She is silent for an almost unbearable amount of time and I am afraid that I have said too much but it had to be said. Standing up she takes Charles from my arms and places him in the crib. She then walks back to the sofa and stands in front of me. Taking my hands in hers, she pulls me up from the sofa and says, "Erik, why do you find it so hard to believe that I want to stay here with you? Don't you understand? I care a great deal about you." With this she releases my hands and wraps her arms around my neck pulling my face down towards hers. With my face so close to hers I am finding it very hard to fight the urge to kiss her lips. By some stroke of luck, this struggle is taken out of my hands when she closes the distance between us, pressing her soft lips against my deformed ones. The feelings this contact provokes are well beyond words. I have never felt anything as exquisite as this. After a moment I place my arms around her and pull her close to me, savoring the feel of her lips on mine. These feelings are so overwhelming that a sigh escapes my throat. I want to stay just like this for the rest of my life. When Christine had kissed me it had been wonderful but it was nothing compared to this! After standing like this for a few more moments she reluctantly eases her lips away from mine, needing to catch her breath.
"Thank you, Marie. I have been wanting to do that for quite some time," I admit softly, still holding her in my arms.
"I have been waiting for you to do that for just as long," she says as she smiles up at me. "I was hoping you would make the first move but I got tired of waiting."
"Really?" I ask, surprised by her words.
"Yes." She says quite simply. "Do you still question my sincerity of wishing to stay here with you? I care for you very much. I cannot imagine my life without you in it and I can think of no other man that I would want to help raise my brother. The two of you have a special bond... I can see that whenever you are with him. He will be very lucky to have you for a father."
"I believe you, but, I do not understand how you could have such feelings for me," I say seriously, still marveling at the way her lips had felt on mine. "As for being a father... I know that I will never father a child of my own but I can at least have the joy of raising one."
Leaning away from me slightly she looks me in the eye and begins, "Oh, Erik, you must stop being so hard on yourself. I am sure that you could have your pick of women if you would just allow them to get to know you. You are such a brilliant, wonderful, and caring man. You let your face rule you... after all it is only a face. It makes you no less of a man. I know that I do not think of you as any less of a man because of your face. I just wish that you could see things the way I do. I have never felt such an attraction to anyone before. I can only hope that you feel as deeply for me as I do for you. As for fathering children, how can you be so sure that you will never have a child of your own?" she questions as she looks up at me with a stern look on her face.
"I allowed Christine to get to know me but where did that get me? She screamed when she saw my face that first time. She never encouraged or welcomed physical contact of any kind. The only reason she had kissed me was to save her young lover from death. She would have never allowed me to kiss her if she had a real choice in the matter. I allowed Lucinda to get to know me but look what happened to her when I allowed her to see my face... she ended up dead. The Shah of Persia once gave me a slave girl to do with as I please... I gave her a choice, she could either lay with me or she could refuse and return to the Shah who would surly kill her. She chose death. There is not a woman on the face of this wretched earth that would willingly lay with me and I would never force myself upon a woman, therefore, I will never father a child." I conclude logically.
"How can you be so sure that there is no one who is capable of loving you? How can you be so sure that there is no one who would willingly lay with you? If you keep thinking the way that you are then you are destined to fail when it comes to love but if you would just allow yourself to hope and trust you will succeed. Don't you see? I care deeply for you. I might be the woman that you have been secretly hoping for all your life. But you have to trust me. Follow your heart, Erik... that is what led me to you." With that she pulls my face to hers and kisses me quite passionately. Stunned, I just stand here for a moment before nature prevails and I find myself returning her kiss as I wrap my arms around her and pull her close.
I had been a fool to think the kiss we had shared earlier had provoked the most wonderful feelings any one could ever feel. This kiss proved that thought to be incorrect for I feel as though I am floating with the clouds. Reluctantly breaking the kiss, I say on a sigh, "Oh, Marie, I do trust you... I just find it very hard to believe that after all these years a woman half my age could possibly care for me like you do. I have never known anyone quite like you." Cautiously, I lean forward and press my lips to hers. She eagerly returns the kiss and I feel as though I could fly.
We remain like this for what seems like an eternity but as we end the kiss it is over much to soon. "That is much better, Erik. You seem to be catching on rather quickly." She says as she looks up at me with a sly look on her face. "It's about time you took the initiative and made the first move."
"I always have been a quick learner," I say as I lower my mouth to hers once more. I kiss her more deeply this time but much to my surprise she does not object or try to pull away from me, instead she response eagerly and it seems that the student has suddenly become the teacher.
Needing to catch our breath, we reluctantly end the kiss. "You kiss rather well for having only been kissed once prior to today." She says as she looks up at me, tilting her head to the side slightly. I can see that she is doubting my honesty on that matter and that she expects an explanation.
"Come, I will explain," I say as I release my hold on her and, taking her hand, I lead her over to the sofa. Once we are settled on the sofa I begin to explain. "When I was about eight years old I ran away from home to avoid being put in an asylum. Needing nourishment I wandered into a gypsy camp. As I said before, they locked me in a cage and put me on display. As time went on I was allowed a tent of my own and to roam freely among the camp. I rarely joined the gypsies in the circle around the campfire but I often observed them from the shadows. Gypsies are not at all modest when it comes to displays of affection. Kissing in public was a common sight in the camp and I must have learned from watching them." I say honestly.
"You seem to have learned quite well," she says smiling up at me before cuddling closer to my side.
I do not reply but instead I place my arm around her shoulders and hold her close, savoring this closeness which I have been neglected of my whole life. I never knew that there could be such joy in the feel of being so close to someone. My head is still spinning from the kisses we shared. Dare I allow myself to believe that this is something that I can have for the rest of my life? How can I hope to share the rest of my days on this earth in the company of this wonderful woman? Surely she will change her mind about staying here. And what did she mean when she said that maybe she is the woman that I have been secretly hoping for all my life? Is she suggesting that she could be capable of loving me... of lying with me? This thought is rather shocking. But then had I not thought the same about her allowing me to kiss her lips? Dare I take her advice and allow myself to hope and trust? I have done that in the past and all it has ever gotten me was pain and sorrow. I had trusted many times only to be betrayed in the end. I had hoped beyond reason only to be denied the simplest things... a kiss from my mother... acceptance into architectural school... Christine to return the love I had offered her. I just wished to be accepted for who I am... and now this woman at my side claims to do just that. Dare I follow my heart as she says to do? Will it not lead to more pain and betrayal? How can I allow myself to be led into the pain I know I will feel when she is gone from my life? But then how can I not take that chance to experience the ultimate happiness I have longed for my whole life? It is a chance I must take for even if I do not I know it will kill me if she leaves. She says that she wishes to stay here with me and raise her brother down here. She cannot bear the thought of her life without me in it. How can she feel that way after only being down here for four days? How can she be so sure that she will wish to remain with me... to follow her heart? How could her heart lead her to me? What had she meant by such a comment anyway? I am the one who found her and brought her here. Her heart had nothing at all to do with that. What feelings she may be feeling for me now could not have been produced by her heart prior to meeting me so, how could her heart lead her to me? Why must life be so confusing? How can holding someone so close feel so wonderful? I can still feel her lips on mine and I would like nothing more than to have a repeat performance but I must not. Kissing her had been a mistake... but how could something so sweet be called a mistake? She certainly did not object! But if I were to kiss her like that right now I do not think I could stop myself from going further than that. There are more important things that need to be taken care of right now anyway... like checking her dressings.
"What are you smiling about, Erik?" Marie asks. I had not realized that she had lifted her head from my shoulder and is now gazing up at me with her bright blue eyes.
"Nothing, my dear, I was just thinking." I say as I reluctantly remove my arm from about her shoulders before standing. I look down at her replacing the smile with a serious look before saying, "I am afraid that it is time to check your wounds. But, with a little luck I will not have to redress them. I may also be able to remove your stitches," I add this last comment as I look at the stitched wound on her forehead. It has healed nicely.
"If you do not need to redress my wounds does that mean that you will no longer need to check them?" she asks as she gets up from the sofa and stands in front of me. She looks so beautiful standing there and I am very tempted to take her into my arms once more.
"It depends on how they look today." I say as I wonder the same thing but for other reasons. If I do not need to check her wounds again then I will no longer have the opportunity to gaze upon her bare flesh... to softly caress that smooth back of hers. But that could be a good thing... I will not be tempted to do more than just gaze at her back and softly touch her bare skin as I replace the quilt as I had done yesterday. After the feelings we shared earlier will I even be able to fight these urges as I perform such a task today?
"Alright," she says calmly as she looks up at me, completely unaware of the inner struggle I am battling. "What would you like to do first?" she asks, tilting her head to one side slightly.
Lost in my thoughts once more this question shocks me at first but I quickly remember the conversation and the meaning behind her question. "That is up to you, Marie," I say deciding it best that she decide when she wants her stitches removed.
"Why don't you go get what you need while I get ready for you to check my dressings. After you check my dressings you can decide if it is time for the stitches to come out." She says as she begins to walk towards the bathroom.
"Alright," I say and quickly leave the room, closing the door behind me.
I awake early from another disturbing dream. I dreamt of holding Marie in my arms and kissing her soft lips. As I am about to climb out of my coffin I hear my name being called from down the hall.
Hurrying down the hall I do not bother to knock on Marie's door for she sounds frantic. "Did you have another nightmare, Marie?" I ask as I enter the room. She is as white as a ghost and trembling badly. I quickly go to her side and without even thinking I pull her into my arms. "Hush, I am here," I say soothingly as I gently caress her back. "Do not cry, you are safe. No one can hurt you... I will not allow it. It was only a dream." She is clinging tightly to me and I cannot help but enjoy the feel of her body against mine. Her trembling has subsided since I took her into my arms but she is still very pale and is unable to stop her tears from falling. "Do you want to tell me about it?" I ask, thinking that it may help to ease her troubled mind.
"I... was so... frightened... Erik," she says between sobs. "It was... the same dream... as yesterday. They were beating me... and you tried to save me but they... they killed you. I cannot bear... the thought of you... dead," She finishes as she clings even tighter to me and continues to cry.
I ease her away from me just enough for me to see her face before saying, "Marie, you must listen to me. Those men are dead. I am alive. They did not kill me nor will they ever have the opportunity to do so. I can guarantee that no one will ever harm you again. I will not allow it." My words seem to calm her for she is no longer sobbing. Finding a clean handkerchief, I wipe her tears away.
"Thank you," she says as she gazes up at me. "You are correct... it was only a bad dream. Forgive me for being so childish." With that she pulls away and lowers her head in shame.
"Forgive me, I did not mean to sound harsh, I am not very good at comforting others," I say as I place a finger under her chin and tilt her lovely face up to look into her eyes once more. "I do not think it childish to be frightened by a dream. You have been through a great deal in the past month. Witnessing the murder of your parents, being forced to live on the streets with your brother, then being attacked that night. That is more than anyone deserves to be put through in an entire lifetime. Your mind it trying to deal with all that has happened. I am sure that you try not to think about it while you are awake, therefore, your mind tries to sort everything out while you are sleeping. This is why you have been having such frightening nightmares." As I finish I gently pull her back into my arms and hold her close, wishing that I could erase all the pain she has been through this past month. I would gladly hold her like this for the rest of my life if it meant that she would never have another nightmare. Oh, she feels so good in my arms. I would like nothing more than to hold her like this forever. After a few moments of sitting like this she slowly eases out of my arms.
Looking up at me she asks, "What am I to do when my injuries are healed and my stitches have been removed? Surely you will wash your hands of me. I have been so much trouble to you. My own flesh and blood would not take on the burden of my brother and I. I cannot expect you to continue to bear such a burden as this." A single tear makes its way down her soft cheek.
"Do not be foolish," I say sternly as I gently wipe the tear away with the pad of my thumb. Her skin is so soft beneath my touch. "I told you yesterday that my home is yours for as long as you choose to stay here. I would never force you to leave here and live on the streets. You have been no trouble to me at all and I do not think of you and Charles as a burden. A blessing maybe, but never a burden."
"You mean that I may stay here?" she asks doubtfully, leaning back from me and gazing at me with a look on her face that I cannot decipher.
Does she not wish to remain here? Would she rather live on the streets than here with me? Was that what last night was all about after all? Was she just trying to guarantee her and Charles a place to stay? If so, did she decide that she would rather live on the streets than to bear the touch of a monster? I move out of her grasp and away from the bed to stand at a distance before I speak. Knowing that she must choose to stay here of her own free will and not out of fear for living on the streets I say, "Of course you may stay. But, if you do not wish to remain here with me I will not force you to. I will provide you a safe place above ground where you will never have to worry about your brother or yourself. The choice is yours."
"Of course I will stay here Erik," she says as she smiles at me, genuine happiness showing in her eyes as she holds out her hand to me, beckoning me to return to her side. "I can think of no place I'd rather stay. But, only if you truly want me here," she says with a serious look returning to her face as I take her offered hand in mine and reseat myself on the bed.
"My dear, I have lived alone most of my life. I have never had any desire to share my home with anyone... except Christine. Before I brought Charles and you here I had vowed that I would bring you here and care for your wounds but as soon as you were well enough I would wash my hands of you. However, things change, and I find myself wondering how I had lived down here without the two of you." I surprise even myself with those last words.
"When did you change your mind?" she asks as she tilts her head to the side and gazes up at me with an intrigued look on her face, her hand still holding mine in its delicate yet firm grasp.
Thinking about her question for a moment I finally come up with an answer, "it was when you had awoken from a nightmare and allowed me to hold you in my arms and looked upon my unmasked face without fear."
"How could I fear the man who saved my life?" she questions as if shocked that I could think such a thing to be possible. "You are a wonderful man and I am not the least bit bothered by your face." Having said this she reaches out her free hand to caress my ravaged cheek. Looking at me very seriously once again she says, "it wasn't the dream this morning that caused me to behave like that... I knew that it had only been a bad dream."
"If not the dream then what was it that upset you so?" I ask, suddenly concerned that something else had happened.
"When I first awoke from the dream I had been upset by the though of losing you and with that I realized how much I have grown to depend on you in these past few days. I realized last night that I care for you a great deal. I cannot begin to imagine my life without you in it, Erik. That fact is what upset me so... the thought of having to leave here when I became well enough. I know that you love Charles I can see it in the way you look at him. However, I am unsure of what you feel for me but I believe that you care for me as well." With that she releases my hand and leans forward, easing herself into my arms.
"Oh, Marie, what are you doing to me? I never thought anything could feel as wonderful as when I hold you in my arms. You make me forget about my horrid face. You make me feel normal!" I say as I hold her close, trying to comprehend what she has just admitted to. She cares for me. She wishes to remain here with me... not for fear of living on the streets but because she truly cares for me. How can this be possible? How could anyone care for me in this way? Am I simply dreaming? I am not dreaming... this feels much too real to be a dream.
"When you hold me in your arms I feel as though I am in heaven." She says with a sigh as she snuggles closer to me. Her words echo my feelings, leading me to the conclusion that this must be what heaven feels like.
We stay like this for a few moments until Charles wakes. "I shall go prepare him a bottle," I say as I reluctantly ease away from her.
"While you are gone I will change his diaper," Marie says as she tosses the quilt aside. She is not at all embarrassed by the fact that she is wearing only the white cotton nightgown I had placed on her that night. She then proceeds to get up and walk over to the crib and I cannot help but follow her movements with my eyes. "I thought you were going to get a bottle for Charles." she states as she turns to me with a sly smile on her face.
I turn red immediately, embarrassed that I had been caught gawking at her like that. I quickly turn away from the sight of her by the crib and, having regained my composure, I quickly say, "forgive me, I was just leaving." I then hurry out the door and down the hall to the kitchen to fix Charles a bottle.
As I go about the task of preparing the bottle I try to sort out all these confusing feelings. She is correct I do love Charles. But, how can she know that yet not know what I feel for her? I am in love with her, I figured that out last night, but could she love me? She says she cares for me a great deal... enough to cause her to become quite upset at the thought of leaving here. Dare I believe that she could ever love me? Why does she confuse me so? I dare say she does look quite lovely in that nightgown. Her robe was at the bottom of the bed... why did she not put it on before going to the crib? Why did she not wait until I had left the room before getting out of bed? She is driving me mad for I can think of nothing but her!
"Is the bottle ready yet, Erik?" Marie calls from down the hall, interrupting my confusing thoughts.
"It will be ready in a few minutes," I call as I quickly test the bottle to make sure that it is not too hot. Finding that it is I decide to get dressed while I wait for it to cool. Completing this task I test the bottle once more and, satisfied that it is not too hot, I hurry back down the hall to Marie's room. As I enter the room I see that she is sitting on the sofa with Charles in her arms. She has also gotten dressed while I was gone. She is wearing a soft pink dress that looks very lovely on her. Charles sees me as I enter the room and follows me with his eyes as I walk across the room. Standing in front of Marie I gaze down at him and he smiles up at me as he reaches towards me to be held. He lets out a squeal of delight as I take him from Marie's arms before sitting on the sofa next to her.
"He really is quite fond of you," she points out once more as she moves closer to me on the sofa.
"Yes, he does seem to be," I say as I offer him the bottle which he accepts greedily.
"And you are quite fond of him also, are you not?" she asks as she rests her head against my shoulder.
"I am," I admit as I savor the feel of her so close.
"Will you promise me something, Erik?" she asks as she looks up at me, her expression suddenly serious.
"What do you wish for me to promise you?" I ask a bit skeptically leaning away from her slightly so that I can read her face more clearly. What could she possibly want me to promise her that I have not already? I have promised her that she could stay here as long as she likes and that I would not allow anyone to ever harm her again. What more could she ask of me?
"Promise me that if anything were to happen to me that you will take care of Charles," she says as her eyes fill with tears.
"What could possibly happen to you?" I ask, concerned by this sudden request. Is she dying? "Is something wrong that you are not telling me?"
Seeing the concerned look on my face, she says, "There is nothing wrong with me Erik. It is just that in the past month so much has happened in my life that I cannot help but want to make sure that if something would happen to me that my brother is well taken care of."
"I promise you that nothing bad will ever happen to you or your brother as long as I am alive to prevent it." I say very seriously. "If anything were to happen to you I would care for your brother as though he were my own son."
Marie moves from the sofa and stands before me. "Thank you, Erik," she says. "You do not know how much that means to me." With that said she places her hands on my shoulders, slowly leans forward, and kisses me softly on the cheek. She keeps her lips pressed to my scarred skin for a few moments before pulling back slowly. The feel of this simple contact is exquisite. If not for the fact that I am holding Charles I would be very tempted to pull her into my arms and return the gesture.
"You are quite welcome, my dear," I reply not knowing what else to say. Looking down at Charles I see that he is finished with his bottle and is falling asleep once again, not paying any mind to our actions.
Following the direction of my gaze, Marie notices this also. "Here, let me put him in the crib." She offers. I nod my approval and she removes him from my arms. I cannot help but watch the graceful way she walks as she carries him to the crib. Afraid of being caught staring again I get up, adverting my eyes and walk across the room to stand beside her.
"You must be hungry, what would you like for breakfast?" I ask as I look down at Charles who is now sleeping.
"Eggs, toast, and tea will do nicely," she says as she looks up at me with those bright blue eyes. She places her hand in mine and gives it a playful squeeze. "May I join you in the kitchen?" she asks.
"But of course you may," I reply as I wonder at the feel of her hand in mine. It feels perfectly natural to be standing here like this.
"Thank you," she says. With her hand still in mine, we leave the room and walk the short distance to the kitchen. Releasing her hand I pull out a chair for her. "Thank you," she says once more.
"You are quite welcome, my dear." I say as I begin the task of preparing her breakfast. It is a simple breakfast and does not take long to complete. Placing a plate in front of her, I then serve tea for both of us before sitting down across from her.
"Are you not eating?" she asks as I take a sip of tea.
"No, I am not hungry right now." I reply as I set my cup down. "I will eat later though." I add as I pick up my cup and take another sip of tea.
"That's right, you told me the other day that you do not eat much." She says as she pauses with her fork midway to her mouth. "Have you always been that way?" she asks as she tilts her head to the side slightly, inquisitively.
"Yes," I reply. "Even as an infant I did not eat very often... only when I really needed to which was fine with my mother at first because it meant she did not have to hold me. But it became rather irritating to her when I got older because she thought I was much too thin." I explain.
"Mothers can be like that although I cannot understand why your mother did not wish to hold you. If I had been her I would have held you that much more." She says before resuming the act of eating.
"How can you possibly say that?" I question, stunned by what she has just said. She could not possibly mean that.
"Say what?" she asks innocently, taking another bite of her toast followed by a sip of her tea.
"How can you say that you would have been any different than my mother? She could not understand how something as ugly as I had come from the joining of a very handsome husband and an equally beautiful wife. I would hate to think what my father would have done if he had lived to see my mother give birth to me. Perhaps he would have done what my mother wished she had done... drowned me in the well." I say as I set my tea down once more and stand up, turning towards the counter not wishing for her to witness the emotions the remembrance of my mother's words provoke.
"Erik, I wish that I could erase all the pain your mother has caused you but I know that I cannot. As you said yourself the other morning, 'It is over now. It is in the past.' You need to look forward to the future and realize that there are at least two people who are nothing like your mother." With that said she sets her fork aside and gets up from the table. She walks around the table to stand behind me. Placing her arms around me, she presses herself against me and lays her head against my back.
Her touch eases my anguish instantly. The feel of her so close is driving me mad. I would like nothing more than to turn around right now and return this embrace. Why is she doing this? What did she mean by saying that there are at least two people who are nothing like my mother? "Do you have any idea what you are doing to me?" I ask unable to keep from voicing this question any longer. I take her hands in mine and gently ease their hold on me. This allows me to turn around to face her.
Taking a reluctant step back so that she can look up at me more easily she says, "I do not know, Erik. I have never behaved like this before and I am not quite sure why I am now but it just feels so natural. I have never been one to be so forward about such things but it seems that I cannot help but act upon these strange feelings. I have never known a man as wonderful as you. When I am sitting close to you or being held in your arms I feel as though the rest of the world has ceased to exist and it is quite an exquisite feeling." As she finishes she takes a step forward and wraps her arms around me once more. I cannot help but place my arms around her and hold her close. Yes, it truly is an exquisite feeling.
"Oh, Marie," I sigh as I close my eyes and savor the feel of her so close. After a moment I give into the urge and cautiously lower my head until my lips touch the top of her head. She smells so good and her hair feels so soft against my skin. As I make this simple contact she snuggles closer to me as though she is enjoying this. Her reaction surprises me for she did not pull away from me or ask me to stop. "I would like nothing more than to hold you like this forever," I say not realizing I voiced this thought aloud until she replies.
"I can think of nothing I would like more," she says as she lifts her face to mine and kisses me softly on the cheek. Not only does the fact that I admitted that to her surprise me but her reaction to it shocks me. The feel of her lips pressed gently against my cheek is a wonderful feeling.
Knowing that if we remain like this much longer I am not going to be able to fight the urge to kiss those soft lips, I ask, "Would you like to go to the study for a while?" I then reluctantly ease my hold on her.
"I would like that very much, Erik," she says as she eases herself from my arms but quickly takes my hand in hers. We walk hand in hand down the hall to the study, neither one of us leading this time. "Will you play for me, Erik?" she asks when we enter the study.
"But of course I will, my dear. Did you have a certain piece in mind?" I ask as I release her hand and sit down at the organ.
"No, I'm sure that anything you play will be fine," she says as she settles down next to me on the bench. She does not sit too close for she realizes that if she crowds me I will not be able to play properly. Deciding on some happy tunes I begin to play.
Marie seems to be enjoying the music that I have selected for when I glance her way she has a content look on her face.
I continue to play for over an hour before stopping. "You play magnificently, Erik," she says as she moves closer to me on the bench. "I take it you have written most of those pieces."
"Thank you, my dear. I am glad that you enjoyed them and yes, I did write most of them," I say as she rests her head against my shoulder and I find myself immediately enjoying the feel of her so close. "Would you like to read for a while?" I ask, remembering the way we sat last night when we were reading, it had been wonderful. I would much rather read with her close by my side than to play with her keeping out of my way.
"That sounds like a lovely idea," she says as she stands up and retrieves our books from where I had placed them last night. Sitting on the sofa, she leans against my side and I place my arm about her shoulders. We remain like this as we become absorbed in our books. I love the feel of her so close and I cannot help but wonder what it would be like to fall asleep with her in my arms. Would she ever permit me to do such a thing? Can I even hope to kiss her soft lips?
After an hour and a half of content reading Charles begins to cry. Marie sets her book aside and makes a move to get up but I stop her, saying, "Stay here and read. I will go see to him."
"Alright," she says as she settles back and picks up her book.
I stand up and quickly leave the room. Upon entering Marie's room Charles sees me. He stops crying almost immediately and reaches out to be picked up. Wanting him to never feel neglected like I had been I take the few steps to the crib and gently pick him up.
"Good morning, Charles," I say as he smiles up at me. "What was all the fuss about?" I ask in a soft tone. Noting that he has a wet diaper I get the blanket, clean clothes, and a clean diaper from his bag. He giggles and squirms as I place him on the blanket which I have spread out on the bed. Removing his pajamas is much easier than undressing him the first time... even with the squirming. I bathe him and change his diaper without picking myself with the safety pin this time. After dressing him in clean clothes I pick him up as I think about how terrified I had been the first time I had changed him. It was a very simple task now that I know how to go about it.
Figuring that he is most likely hungry I carry him down the hall to the kitchen to warm some milk. As I wait for the milk I remember the string of bells Mademoiselle Perrault had placed across my crib for me to play with as an infant. I had frightened my mother so when she discovered I could play beautiful melodies on those bells. Pushing those memories from my mind I decide that Charles might like something to play with. I take him past Marie's room to the storage room where I have it packed away. It does not take me long to find it for I remember which box it was packed in. Taking both ends in one hand I dangle it above Charles who immediately grabs at it while giggling. I carry him back to Marie's room and place him in the crib before stringing the bells across the crib as they had been when I was a baby. He reaches up and swings at them laughing at the sound that they make when his hand strikes them. Remembering his bottle I hurry back to the kitchen leaving him to play.
Making sure that the milk is not too hot I fix his bottle and return to Marie's room. Charles is still playing with the bells as I enter the room. I am glad that I thought of them. "Are you hungry Charles?" I ask softly as I approach the crib. Upon hearing my voice he pauses in his play and looks my way. Seeing the bottle he abandons the bells and reaches out to me. I pick him up and carry him over to the sofa. Sitting down, I offer him the bottle which he sucks at hungrily. I meant what I said this morning... I will take care of Charles as if he were my own son.
"There you are," Marie says as she sticks her head in the open doorway. "I looked for you in the kitchen and saw that you were warming some milk but you were not there and I looked for you in here but there was no sign of you. I was beginning to get worried. But I see that you are both fine," she says as she crosses the room and sits beside me on the sofa.
"I am sorry to have worried you, my dear. I came in here to change Charles then I took him with me to the kitchen to warm him some milk. While I was doing that I remembered something I had when I was his age so I took him with me to the storage room which is the room at the end of the hall. If you had called for me I would have answered." I finish, looking at her apologetically.
"It is I who should apologize," she says. "I knew that were ever he was he would be safe with you. I should not act like such a worrisome mother... after all I am only his sister."
"Marie, you are the only mother he will ever know. He is too young to remember his real parents. You have every right to act like a worrisome mother for when your parents died you became his mother." I say gently. Charles has finished his bottle and is now watching the two of us contently. I set the bottle aside and place an arm around Marie's shoulders.
"What am I to do when he starts talking? Should I allow him to call me mother or should I insist on him calling me Marie? If I do that how am I going to explain to a child what happened to our parents?" she questions me as she looks up at me with pleading eyes.
"That is something that you have to figure out on your own, my dear." I say soothingly. "I am afraid that I cannot make that decision for you. It is a decision that only you can make."
"You're quite right, Erik. This is a decision that I will have to be comfortable with the rest of my life," she says as she leans against me, "but how can I be sure that I made the correct choice?"
"Well, you could always let him decide," I say as a thought comes to mind.
"What do you mean?" Marie asks as she looks up at me with a puzzled look on her face.
"When I was a baby I started calling my mother 'momma' without her encouragement. As a matter of fact she never once had referred to herself as my mother prior to that. I just knew somehow." I say, remembering that night I had climbed out of the crib, turning it onto its side in the process, and tottered out into the hall. My mother nearly fainted when she seen me on my feet not to mention when I had spoken that word over and over again.
"That is a splendid idea!" she says as she hugs me. "But if he chooses to call me mother when he's old enough to understand should I tell him the truth?"
"That is something you will have to decide. You are old enough to be his mother and he would never know that you are not his true mother, after all, he has your blue eyes and your smile." I say as I compare the two of them. "But if you feel that it is disrespectful to your parents for him to never know then you should tell him when the time is right. It is for you to decide when and how."
After thinking this over for some time, she says, "If he calls you father what will you do?"
Having never given any thought to this, the possibility of being called father comes as a complete shock to me. Giving it serious thought now though, I say, "If he were to call me father I would allow it... unless, of course, you do not want him to." I add, wondering how Marie is going to react. Why would she allow her brother to think of me as his father?
"I was hoping that you would allow it," she says as she smiles up at me. As she snuggles against my side once more, she adds, "He is going to need a father to teach him things that mothers know nothing about."
I can hardly believe that we are sitting here discussing this. If he thinks of her as his mother and me as his father would that not make us a family? Does Marie have any idea what is at stake here? What she is suggesting is absurd! It will be a few months before Charles even begins to talk. Marie is talking like she plans to stay down here with me forever. She is talking of raising her brother down here. Why? How could she possibly wish to remain down here with me for such a long time? She has been here for less than a week and is acting like she wishes to settle down and raise a family here with me? How could this be?
"Is something wrong, Erik?" she asks, startling me. Quickly pushing these troublesome thoughts aside I see that she is looking up at me with concern. "Did I say something wrong?" she asks.
"I am sorry, my dear, I was just thinking," I say, wondering if I should confront her with these thoughts or if I should just let things play themselves out in time.
"Are you sure? You look troubled," she observes.
"I was just thinking of what you are suggesting." I say cautiously, not sure how to go about this.
"And what is it that I am suggesting, Erik?" she asks as she turns to face me more directly.
"It will be several months before Charles even begins to talk." I begin carefully. "How can you be sure that you will still wish to be down here with me? You have been here for less than a week... I am sure that you will become bored down here in less than a month's time."
"Are you trying to tell me that you do not wish for me to be here?" she asks as a hurt look comes over her face and I see tears welling up in her eyes.
I had not meant to upset her. "Of course not, Marie," I say quickly, placing my hand on her arm. "It is just that I find it hard to believe that anyone would wish to stay here with me. The way you were talking leads me to believe that you wish to stay down here with me forever. The thought of you willingly staying here with me comes as a shock to me. You are welcome to stay here for as long as you want... forever if you wish, but do not expect me to understand why you would want to stay with me. And the thought of you willingly allowing your brother to think of me, a monster, as his father is something I find hard to believe as well. Do you realize that if he thinks of you as his mother and me as his father he is going to think of us as a family? In his eyes it will be as though we are husband and wife."
She is silent for an almost unbearable amount of time and I am afraid that I have said too much but it had to be said. Standing up she takes Charles from my arms and places him in the crib. She then walks back to the sofa and stands in front of me. Taking my hands in hers, she pulls me up from the sofa and says, "Erik, why do you find it so hard to believe that I want to stay here with you? Don't you understand? I care a great deal about you." With this she releases my hands and wraps her arms around my neck pulling my face down towards hers. With my face so close to hers I am finding it very hard to fight the urge to kiss her lips. By some stroke of luck, this struggle is taken out of my hands when she closes the distance between us, pressing her soft lips against my deformed ones. The feelings this contact provokes are well beyond words. I have never felt anything as exquisite as this. After a moment I place my arms around her and pull her close to me, savoring the feel of her lips on mine. These feelings are so overwhelming that a sigh escapes my throat. I want to stay just like this for the rest of my life. When Christine had kissed me it had been wonderful but it was nothing compared to this! After standing like this for a few more moments she reluctantly eases her lips away from mine, needing to catch her breath.
"Thank you, Marie. I have been wanting to do that for quite some time," I admit softly, still holding her in my arms.
"I have been waiting for you to do that for just as long," she says as she smiles up at me. "I was hoping you would make the first move but I got tired of waiting."
"Really?" I ask, surprised by her words.
"Yes." She says quite simply. "Do you still question my sincerity of wishing to stay here with you? I care for you very much. I cannot imagine my life without you in it and I can think of no other man that I would want to help raise my brother. The two of you have a special bond... I can see that whenever you are with him. He will be very lucky to have you for a father."
"I believe you, but, I do not understand how you could have such feelings for me," I say seriously, still marveling at the way her lips had felt on mine. "As for being a father... I know that I will never father a child of my own but I can at least have the joy of raising one."
Leaning away from me slightly she looks me in the eye and begins, "Oh, Erik, you must stop being so hard on yourself. I am sure that you could have your pick of women if you would just allow them to get to know you. You are such a brilliant, wonderful, and caring man. You let your face rule you... after all it is only a face. It makes you no less of a man. I know that I do not think of you as any less of a man because of your face. I just wish that you could see things the way I do. I have never felt such an attraction to anyone before. I can only hope that you feel as deeply for me as I do for you. As for fathering children, how can you be so sure that you will never have a child of your own?" she questions as she looks up at me with a stern look on her face.
"I allowed Christine to get to know me but where did that get me? She screamed when she saw my face that first time. She never encouraged or welcomed physical contact of any kind. The only reason she had kissed me was to save her young lover from death. She would have never allowed me to kiss her if she had a real choice in the matter. I allowed Lucinda to get to know me but look what happened to her when I allowed her to see my face... she ended up dead. The Shah of Persia once gave me a slave girl to do with as I please... I gave her a choice, she could either lay with me or she could refuse and return to the Shah who would surly kill her. She chose death. There is not a woman on the face of this wretched earth that would willingly lay with me and I would never force myself upon a woman, therefore, I will never father a child." I conclude logically.
"How can you be so sure that there is no one who is capable of loving you? How can you be so sure that there is no one who would willingly lay with you? If you keep thinking the way that you are then you are destined to fail when it comes to love but if you would just allow yourself to hope and trust you will succeed. Don't you see? I care deeply for you. I might be the woman that you have been secretly hoping for all your life. But you have to trust me. Follow your heart, Erik... that is what led me to you." With that she pulls my face to hers and kisses me quite passionately. Stunned, I just stand here for a moment before nature prevails and I find myself returning her kiss as I wrap my arms around her and pull her close.
I had been a fool to think the kiss we had shared earlier had provoked the most wonderful feelings any one could ever feel. This kiss proved that thought to be incorrect for I feel as though I am floating with the clouds. Reluctantly breaking the kiss, I say on a sigh, "Oh, Marie, I do trust you... I just find it very hard to believe that after all these years a woman half my age could possibly care for me like you do. I have never known anyone quite like you." Cautiously, I lean forward and press my lips to hers. She eagerly returns the kiss and I feel as though I could fly.
We remain like this for what seems like an eternity but as we end the kiss it is over much to soon. "That is much better, Erik. You seem to be catching on rather quickly." She says as she looks up at me with a sly look on her face. "It's about time you took the initiative and made the first move."
"I always have been a quick learner," I say as I lower my mouth to hers once more. I kiss her more deeply this time but much to my surprise she does not object or try to pull away from me, instead she response eagerly and it seems that the student has suddenly become the teacher.
Needing to catch our breath, we reluctantly end the kiss. "You kiss rather well for having only been kissed once prior to today." She says as she looks up at me, tilting her head to the side slightly. I can see that she is doubting my honesty on that matter and that she expects an explanation.
"Come, I will explain," I say as I release my hold on her and, taking her hand, I lead her over to the sofa. Once we are settled on the sofa I begin to explain. "When I was about eight years old I ran away from home to avoid being put in an asylum. Needing nourishment I wandered into a gypsy camp. As I said before, they locked me in a cage and put me on display. As time went on I was allowed a tent of my own and to roam freely among the camp. I rarely joined the gypsies in the circle around the campfire but I often observed them from the shadows. Gypsies are not at all modest when it comes to displays of affection. Kissing in public was a common sight in the camp and I must have learned from watching them." I say honestly.
"You seem to have learned quite well," she says smiling up at me before cuddling closer to my side.
I do not reply but instead I place my arm around her shoulders and hold her close, savoring this closeness which I have been neglected of my whole life. I never knew that there could be such joy in the feel of being so close to someone. My head is still spinning from the kisses we shared. Dare I allow myself to believe that this is something that I can have for the rest of my life? How can I hope to share the rest of my days on this earth in the company of this wonderful woman? Surely she will change her mind about staying here. And what did she mean when she said that maybe she is the woman that I have been secretly hoping for all my life? Is she suggesting that she could be capable of loving me... of lying with me? This thought is rather shocking. But then had I not thought the same about her allowing me to kiss her lips? Dare I take her advice and allow myself to hope and trust? I have done that in the past and all it has ever gotten me was pain and sorrow. I had trusted many times only to be betrayed in the end. I had hoped beyond reason only to be denied the simplest things... a kiss from my mother... acceptance into architectural school... Christine to return the love I had offered her. I just wished to be accepted for who I am... and now this woman at my side claims to do just that. Dare I follow my heart as she says to do? Will it not lead to more pain and betrayal? How can I allow myself to be led into the pain I know I will feel when she is gone from my life? But then how can I not take that chance to experience the ultimate happiness I have longed for my whole life? It is a chance I must take for even if I do not I know it will kill me if she leaves. She says that she wishes to stay here with me and raise her brother down here. She cannot bear the thought of her life without me in it. How can she feel that way after only being down here for four days? How can she be so sure that she will wish to remain with me... to follow her heart? How could her heart lead her to me? What had she meant by such a comment anyway? I am the one who found her and brought her here. Her heart had nothing at all to do with that. What feelings she may be feeling for me now could not have been produced by her heart prior to meeting me so, how could her heart lead her to me? Why must life be so confusing? How can holding someone so close feel so wonderful? I can still feel her lips on mine and I would like nothing more than to have a repeat performance but I must not. Kissing her had been a mistake... but how could something so sweet be called a mistake? She certainly did not object! But if I were to kiss her like that right now I do not think I could stop myself from going further than that. There are more important things that need to be taken care of right now anyway... like checking her dressings.
"What are you smiling about, Erik?" Marie asks. I had not realized that she had lifted her head from my shoulder and is now gazing up at me with her bright blue eyes.
"Nothing, my dear, I was just thinking." I say as I reluctantly remove my arm from about her shoulders before standing. I look down at her replacing the smile with a serious look before saying, "I am afraid that it is time to check your wounds. But, with a little luck I will not have to redress them. I may also be able to remove your stitches," I add this last comment as I look at the stitched wound on her forehead. It has healed nicely.
"If you do not need to redress my wounds does that mean that you will no longer need to check them?" she asks as she gets up from the sofa and stands in front of me. She looks so beautiful standing there and I am very tempted to take her into my arms once more.
"It depends on how they look today." I say as I wonder the same thing but for other reasons. If I do not need to check her wounds again then I will no longer have the opportunity to gaze upon her bare flesh... to softly caress that smooth back of hers. But that could be a good thing... I will not be tempted to do more than just gaze at her back and softly touch her bare skin as I replace the quilt as I had done yesterday. After the feelings we shared earlier will I even be able to fight these urges as I perform such a task today?
"Alright," she says calmly as she looks up at me, completely unaware of the inner struggle I am battling. "What would you like to do first?" she asks, tilting her head to one side slightly.
Lost in my thoughts once more this question shocks me at first but I quickly remember the conversation and the meaning behind her question. "That is up to you, Marie," I say deciding it best that she decide when she wants her stitches removed.
"Why don't you go get what you need while I get ready for you to check my dressings. After you check my dressings you can decide if it is time for the stitches to come out." She says as she begins to walk towards the bathroom.
"Alright," I say and quickly leave the room, closing the door behind me.
