So Sara needs to do a little reflecting and Grissom is going to a little collecting and we will see what happens. This will finish by chapter 20 or 21. I will be sorry to see it go. Hopefully, I can work my way back into the everyday responsibilities I have neglected in favor of this diversion. Again, thank you to the many people who follow this story chapter by tortured chapter. You make this all so much fun. And I appreciate your patience and support tremendously. Thanks!

Sheila

Chapter 18

Afraid of the Light

Sara slung the bag over her shoulder and trudged up the path to the cabin. Behind her, Jack and Danny followed along behind, Jack carrying all of Danny's bags.

Early spring in the Catskills was quite chilly, and Sara hugged Sam's parka tightly to her. A middle-aged woman with shaggy brown hair emerged on the front porch and clapped her hands together. She urged Sara up the stairs as if she was being chased by wolves.

"Elliot!" Came a shout from behind her.

"Jack, come in! And Danny, look at the shadows under your eyes." Sara reached the top step and the woman came over and wrestled her bag away from her. "You must be Sara. Come in, dear."

Silently, Sara followed her into the spacious living room littered with oversize couches weighed down with afghans of many colors. There was a fire dancing in the fireplace. To the left there was a kitchen, and table already set for visitors.

"Are you hungry, Sara?"

Sara shook her head and stood there in the midst of it all, letting Jack and Danny squeeze in around her.

"Elliot, you didn't say you were going to cook." Jack heaved Danny's bags onto one of the couches.

"Oh, I was cooking anyway. And I know you like my spaghetti with meatballs. Sit! All of you. We'll talk and eat."

"Sara's a vegetarian." Danny said, eyeing the still motionless woman.

"Jack told me, but I understand you eat fish, right?" Sara blinked and nodded.

"Good," Elliot clapped her hands. "I also whipped up an easy puttanesca. Sit down, honey." She physically guided Sara to the table and set her in front of a chair.

"It was a long flight and drive. I think everyone is tired." Jack said as he tucked a napkin in his collar and reached for the sauce.

"I hate planes." Elliot said.

"I hate therapy." Sara responded. Movement at the table froze. Sara felt all eyes on her. She couldn't believe that had just come out of her mouth. And then Elliot started to laugh.

"Well, Sara, in your shoes, I would to."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Sara flushed. She seemed unable to control herself.

"Ever had a really big test?"

"Yes."

"Therapy is like that. It is a lot of tough, challenging work. You have no idea of the results, and you're not sure how it's going to relate to your real life."

"You don't know me."

"Exactly. Probably not in my best interest or yours to try to tell you what to do."

"Then what's the point?"

"I'm a guide, Sara, not a guru. We'll figure this out together." Elliot picked up the puttanesca sauce and put it in front of her. "Now eat a little something. There's no test right now; nor will there be until you decide you want one."

"Thanks for taking the time, Elliot." Jack said.

Sara reddened as she remembered how this woman was putting herself out for them. She took a handful of noodles and added sauce. None of it appealed to her, but she ate a bit to be hospitable. She was surprised to find that she liked it. She reached over and pulled more pasta into her plate. She saw Danny looking at her with a grin on his face. She narrowed her eyes at him and continued.

"I'm glad you're taking time, Jack. I have been writing an ill advised book, and I was dying for a distraction. It's so quiet up here. I guess I thought that would make me finish it. But, really, it has only been driving me crazy."

"I'll come back on the weekend to see how everything is going."

"That works for me."

"And you're okay with me leaving Danny here. He needs the rest, and, I suspect, Sara could use the familiar face."

Elliot looked up with a forkful of pasta and said. "You going to play me in chess, right?"

Danny nodded.

"Cribbage?"

Danny nodded and smiled.

"Then you can stay."

Sara's eyelids were heavy, but she struggled to stay alert. She managed to make a dent in the mountain of pasta on her plate.

"Okay. Off to bed." Elliot was on her feet. "Come on, Sara."

"I can…I should help."

"Oh, stop. You're exhausted." Elliot slung the bag over her shoulder and marched down the hallway to a rustic bedroom with a big bed loaded down with comforters. She swung the bag onto the bed and pointed out the hallway bathroom and closet. Then she reached over and pulled Sara into a hug. Sara was startled, but listened as the woman told her that she was happy to have finally met her. Then as swiftly as she came, she disappeared. Sara crawled onto the bed and burrowed under the covers. The bag finally fell off the bed in the middle of the night spilling her things all over the floor.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

The backlog was unimaginable. Literally, there were case files with nothing but photos; no trace evidence, no fingerprints. Grissom had his entire shift working assembly. Greg processed all current evidence, Sofia did follow-up on missing pieces, and Grissom organized files and prioritized cases.

To be fair, Ecklie had accepted him back with no complaints. He even threw a couple of extra technicians on graveyard. Brass went through cases with an amazing aplomb. Two of his suspects confessed within the same shift. Warrick had dubbed him 'The Priest' for his penchants for securing confessions. Brass seemed to enjoy the nickname as he couldn't help but smile when Nick or Warrick said it.

Grissom was happy to stay at work every waking moment. He would stay until he couldn't concentrate. Then he would go home and sleep. When he woke up, he returned to the lab, rarely consulting the clock before he left. The only machine he was interested in checking when he came home was his voicemail, but there was never a light flashing a message for him when he checked it, and he checked it day after day.

He got an occasional phone call from Jack who basically said everything was fine and Sara was resting and did Grissom want a phone number to reach her at, but Grissom resisted. He wanted contact to be under her control.

Once or twice a night, he woke up in a cold sweat, breathing hard and fast. He wasn't used to nightmares. He had been somewhat successful in impersonalizing his work life to the point that he didn't live the pain of others. But she changed all that, and now he had nightmares. And she was in them; reaching for him, calling, her eyes brimming with terror. And he would try, but he never ran fast enough. It wasn't because he couldn't reach her, he just never ran fast enough. And then, he would lie in the dark, eyes wide and wonder about all of the missed opportunities he'd had with her.

He never expected to be this man; this person who longed for another. He always saw himself as somehow above all of that. A man with desires and needs, but a man in control who could direct those needs as he saw fit. But now every waking moment was consumed with thoughts of her. It was all he could do to concentrate on work. He wasn't used to living life like this, and he wondered how or why people did it.

……………………………………………………………………………………………

She sat down to cereal and a glass of juice. Danny was still sleeping, and Elliot was in her study writing. It had been like this for three days. She woke up, ate, slept, ate, took a walk with Danny, ate, and went back to bed. Occasionally, she queried Elliot about when her work was going to start, and the woman would merely shrug and tell her that Sara would know when it was time.

Sara had to admit that there was something healing in just eating and sleeping without interruption. She enjoyed hanging out with Danny who was always up for games. He taught her how to play cribbage which she found to be more satisfying than chess as chess tried her infamous impatience.

Elliot came padding into the kitchen in sweatshirt and jeans. She smiled at Sara, and pulled a bottled water out of the refrigerator. She sat down next to Sara.

"How you doing today, Honey?"

Sara smiled. "Grissom calls me Honey. Usually when I'm psychotic or near death or something, but I still I like it when he does."

"Who is Grissom?"

Sara choked on a mouthful of Cocoa Pebbles. "Wow! That's the question. Um…he's my boss, my mentor….and my teacher."

"Your boss calls you Honey?"

Sara choked again. "Okay, questions have to happen before I put food in my mouth".

Elliot laughed.

Sara looked down at her bowl for a moment. "I love him. I have for a long time. All of my emotional energy has gone into him for…as long as I can remember."

"Wow. He sounds pretty amazing."

"He is." Sara smiled.

Elliot took a swig off her water and then waited patiently.

"Actually, he's been the source of a lot of heartache. He didn't return my feelings for a very long time or he didn't admit to them. I can't really tell which."

Sara pushed her bowl away. "I'm not being fair. He has always been kind and good to me. But he didn't want deeper involvement than that. He's…older, set in his ways. He's not very emotional, likes to be objective. I guess I would even describe him as naïve when it comes to social interactions."

"Why do you love him?"

Sara wrinkled her brow. "Hmmm. I don't know. I guess I like that he is brilliant… and we have similar interests. I think he is an attractive man although he dresses like…like an accountant."

Sara got quiet for a while.

"Say more," Elliot said softly.

"Hatfield Corcoran was an accountant. Grissom isn't anything like him."

"Corcoran is the man who kidnapped you?"

"Yeah."

"How did Corcoran end up in this conversation?"

Sara blinked. "I don't know. When I was kidnapped, I thought about Grissom a lot. He competed with Corcoran for my attention."

"Interesting choice of words. Are you saying that they are both powerful men in your life?"

"Something like that. Grissom kept coming into my thoughts and dreams. He kept telling me to fight. He wasn't interested in excuses."

"You were at the mercy of madmen, and Grissom was in your head telling you that he didn't want any excuses."

"It was a dream."

"Grissom expects a lot out of you."

Sara thought for a moment. "He does. But I think it is one of the reasons that I love him. He has integrity. He wants to do things well. He doesn't like excuses. He's good."

"And all that represents. He sounds like a knight in shining armor."

Sara let out a deep breath. "I guess so."

"Why would a no nonsense, independent woman like yourself need a knight in shining armor?"

"I used to dream about being rescued when I was a girl." Sara stopped and then made the decision to continue. "There was a lot of violence in my home. Drinking, hitting, yelling. My mother stabbed my father to death when I was thirteen."

Elliot's eyes never left Sara. "I'm very sorry to hear that. You must be an old hand at handling trauma."

"Well, if you can count ignoring it, then I guess I am."

"Have you discovered a suitable alternative to ignoring it yet?"

Sara looked confused. "I don't know."

"Well, let me know when you have." Elliot got up and grabbed her water. "Back to the laptop, I'm afraid."

"Elliot?" Sara looked up. "Was that therapy?"

She smiled. "Yeah. I like to think so."

"That wasn't hard."

"Maybe you know more of the answers to this test than you thought. Stop in when you feel like chatting some more. I am curious as to what you plan to do with this knight in shining armor now that he's finally rescued you."

………………………………………………………………………………………….

Sofia stopped in his doorway. Neither of them really needed to have this conversation, but it was expected. And she was still angry at how he treated her when Sara was taken. She knocked on the door.

"Have a moment?"

He looked up, took his glasses off, and gestured her to a seat. "What can I do for you?"

"We've been working hard around here." She was surprised that this was her choice of opening statement.

"Yes, I am aware. You hit overtime limits before the month was half over. Would you like to talk about taking some time off? You certainly deserve it."

She pursed her lips in annoyance. "Actually, I would like to talk about the fact that a month ago, we slept together, more than once, and now you won't talk to me unless it's case related."

He took a deep breath. "I didn't realize you had made an emotional attachment."

She arched a brow. "Your kidding, right? This is not about an emotional attachment. This is about common courtesy and closure and things that are supposed to happen when…I don't know."

"You're very sexy. And to me, one of the sexiest parts about you was your ability to not involve yourself emotionally in our affair. It felt freeing. If I misjudged that, I am truly sorry."

"You didn't." She searched for the right words. "The problem was that you discarded me without even a backward glance. I am not used to that."

"Oh, I am sorry. I have been very preoccupied over the last few weeks." Grissom regarded her dispassionately.

"You are with her now, I take it."

"You are referring to Sara?"

She gave an exasperated sigh. "Who else? I just think I deserve better."

He thought for a moment. "Sofia, you are a remarkable criminalist and you are a beautiful woman. You do deserve better than to be seduced and discarded, but I didn't form an emotional attachment to you nor did you to me, and I assumed that, because of that, the situation didn't require the formalities of a break-up."

"She is an emotional powder keg, Grissom. I don't think you are prepared for that."

"I am sure that I'm not. But she's my powder keg so I will ask you kindly to stay out of it."

"People talk."

Grissom stood up. "True. And some people answer other people's phones when they know it will hurt someone. I don't care what people say. I have spent too much of my time caring about what people said. And I am done with them and I'm done with this conversation. If I have treated you in a way that you find demeaning, then feel free, as my employee, to lodge a complaint. I won't oppose it. Clear?"

Sofia stood up. She turned at the door. "I do not feel demeaned by you and so a complaint is not necessary. But you surprise me. I always considered you to be a man of better common sense." With that she left, her considerable mane of hair trailing after her.

Grissom rubbed his face and returned to the files in front of him.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

There was still snow in the ditches and the hollows of the hilly landscape. But mostly, Sara was captivated by the naked trees everywhere. It was ghostly how they rattled in the wind. As a California girl, she was used to barren landscape but these trees both amazed and frightened her. Danny walked beside her and noted her fascination.

"I was born in Florida."

"California girl," she replied.

"Weather is harsh up here, but there is something I like about it. There is such a sense of passage, birth, renewal. It's like getting a primer on life every time a season changes."

She smiled at him and tucked her arm through his. "I like that, Danny."

"You know, I knew that getting shot would be a thing, but it really changes your life. I can't believe what a struggle it has been to find strength again. And I think of all the things in my life that I've been taking for granted." He let out a long sigh.

"Elliot been talking to you too?"

"I should have known that I wasn't coming here just to keep you company."

"You don't mind?"

"No, not really. I've worked with Elliot on a couple of cases. I know she is good people."

"You really trust Jack, don't you?"

"I guess it's sort of like what you feel for Grissom." He said.

"You want to sleep with Jack?" She asked, a grin tugging at the edges of her mouth.

He threw back his head and laughed. "No, I do not want to sleep with Jack."

"I want to sleep with my boss."

"Told Elliot that yet?"

"Why?"

"I don't know. The idea of you two has got to be great material for the therapist's couch."

"She thinks he's my knight in shining armor. She wonders why I need one."

He turned his dark eyes to her. "You don't agree."

She shrugged. "Honestly, I don't know. I didn't have the kind of childhood that most kids have. I never dreamed about being the princess, but I did always dream about being rescued. Fantasizing about rescue and safety has been a big part of my life."

"Are you worried that your feelings for Grissom aren't real?"

"Oh, they are real. I just don't know if they are based in something healthy and lasting."

"Well that opens the door for some opportunities then." He winked at her.

"Sorry, Danny, no way am I going to screw up this friendship."

"Always the bridesmaid, never the bride." He clutched his chest dramatically.

She laughed and scooped up some of the wet snow at her feet. He put a hand up to warn her off, but she threw it at his face. It disintegrated inches from her hands. "I can't get the hang of snowballs."

"Listen girl, it's all in the formation of the ball. You don't learn this in sunny California." He picked up some snow and packed it firmly. Then he aimed at her and she ran. He landed one solidly on her back. She squealed and hid behind a tree. She shoveled up more snow and packed it well. Soon the two of them were snow covered and wet, faces red and breathing heavy. She leaned against a tree slumped over and laughed. Her laughing became more insistent, frantic. Then Danny could see the tears forming. He pulled her to him and held her tightly while she collapsed in desperate sobs.

"I don't know why, Danny. I don't know why I'm crying."

"It's okay. Don't worry about it. Just let it out, Sara. Let it out."

………………………………………………………………………………

Malone's phone rang late. He was drifting off on his couch, the T.V. showing Ten Best Resorts of the Meditearanean. He had just figured that he would last about two weeks at the high end hotel on the isle of Crete using all of his retirement, and the damn thing didn't even have a bar in the middle of the pool.

He pasted the phone to his face and grunted. A familiar deep voice erupted on the other end.

"Hey there, Malone. How's the Big Apple treating you these days?"

"Goodwater, how are you?"

"I'm hanging, Jack, I'm hanging." Jack smiled at the deep Texas drawl Agent Goodwater still cultivated in his speech.

"What can I do for you, Rupert?"

"You wanted an update on Robbie Sanchez and I'm giving you one."

Jack sat forward. "You got him."

"Yup. We sure did. Hand in the cookie jar. Had a teen-age runaway girl in the basement and everything. Claimed he was trying to help her get home. Girl was trussed up like a Thanksgiving turkey. She'd only been there two days, Thank God."

"Damn! Good news! I'm glad, Rupert. Good work!"

"You got that criminalist girl up there with you, don't you?"

"She's getting treated."

"Well, I want you to pass on that we found him so quickly 'cause of her scribblings on that legal pad. She got good information out of Corcoran before she beaned him with the flip flops."

Jack grinned. "She'll want to know that."

"He had some real dirty shovels, Jack. And you know what that means. So we did a little digging in his backyard. Found skeletons, four of them. We think there is 2-4 more in there. CNN's got a remote crew setting up across the street as we speak. It's going to be on the news everywhere. Thought you might want to keep that girl away from the T.V. Kind of hard to see what might have been, you know. Thereby the grace of God go I and all that."

"Appreciate your thoughtfulness, Rupert." Jack knew that Rupert's down home folksyness was not only a result of an upbringing as a rancher's son, he also used it to mask a keen intellect. Being underestimated could be a powerful weapon in the law enforcement field.

"Going to be awhile on identifications and all. A couple of the skeletons still have flesh attached. Full of bugs. Hear you had a bugman who worked this case earlier. We sure could use a bugman out here. We're out in the boonys here in Arizona. Can't find anyone who knows a good goddamn about bugs. Our bug guys are all tied up. I checked. You got a way we can wrangle that bugman. We sure could use him."

"I could talk to him. Might be a hard sell though. His lab is pretty backed up."

"I hear he's an A #1 bugman. And we want to put some girls to rest here, so we're going to need some solid information about TOD and all that. I would owe you, Jack."

"I'll talk to him. The trick is the sheriff, Rory Atwater."

"Oh, hell, Rory! I know Rory that beady eyed son of a bitch. I got this. I'll call him and promise him free publicity that'll make his head spin. I'll make him think we can't get a darn thing done without his help."

"Okay, Rupert, I'll let you handle this. I want to thank you for taking the time to call. I'm going to see Sara Sidle, in a couple of days. I will pass on your kind words."

"Girl's grandma and grandpa came to pick her up this afternoon. Tears everywhere. I got all choked up myself. You tell that gal that she made a real difference. And if that Corcoran gets all antsy and wants to fuss about being smacked around some, well, I promise you, Jack, that Ol' Rupert Goodwater will show him what a real smacking around is all about, if you know what I mean."

Jack chuckled. "I got it. Thanks again for calling, Rupert."

…………………………………………………………………………………………

TBC