Precious Things by SLynn

Spoilers: Up to 'Nesting Dolls'

Rating: R for violence and disturbing content.

Disclaimer: Not mine – well, some are mine, just not the ones you recognize.

He says that behind my eyes I'm hiding
And he tells me I pushed him away
That my hearts been hard to find

'Baker, Baker' by Tori Amos

Chapter 25: In the Dark

Grissom stared at Greg for a minute taking in everything he'd just been told.

"Were you asked to run a comparison?" Grissom finally asked.

"No," Greg said shaking his head, "If I had it would have been noted. I would have done it, I know that."

"Well then why are you telling me this?"

Greg looked at him uncertainly.

"I messed up."

"Greg," Grissom said leaning forward. He was wearing the patented 'I don't understand you' look he seemed to hold in reserve just for times like this. "If no one asked you to run this test, how is that your mistake?"

"Because I should have. I usually do…did. I use too."

"Are you sure that's what's wrong?"

"I don't know," Greg said throwing up his hands in defeat. "I don't. I can't think straight. If I'd just done my job then…"

"That wasn't your job then," Grissom said firmly, "You were a lab tech not an investigator. The investigator in charge was Ames? Ames should have asked for that test. This wasn't even your shift; you shouldn't have even had it on your desk."

"But…"

"No buts," Grissom cut him off, loud even. "Greg, this wasn't a mistake. It was an oversight. And it wasn't even your oversight. You can't take these things so personally."

"Well that's kind of hard to do when everyone I know and work with does."

Grissom gave him half a smile and a shrug, point conceded.

"We all make mistakes," Grissom said after another pause, "its human nature. It's how we learn. And you did something most people wouldn't, admit to it. That takes character."

"Character isn't going to help me sleep at night. Or day."

"Has it gotten that bad?" Grissom asked, obviously concerned and really scrutinizing him now.

Greg considered telling him no. That he was just trying to make a point but there was no point in lying to Grissom. First off, he'd see right through him. Second, really what was he going to do to him? Greg was already seeing a shrink and on anti-depressants. It couldn't get much worse then that.

"Yeah," he said shaking his head and feeling an odd sense of relief, "it has. For a few months now. I keep having nightmares about the case. I just feel responsible."

"So you've talked to Dr. Jennings?"

"Uh huh," Greg said with a nod. "It's why she wanted me back on the meds."

As he said it he subconsciously scratched his arm. The rash was still pretty raw but nothing like it had been.

"Did she offer you any additional help?"

"Like what?" Greg asked with a small smile of his own, "She told me to lay off the caffeine but pretty much everyone tells me that."

"I meant more like hypnotherapy."

"Seriously?"

"It might be worth a shot," Grissom said with a nod.

"No, I think one person crawling around inside my head is enough."

"Well," Grissom continued, determined to find some way to help, "did you talk to Sara?"

"Sort of," Greg said with a small nod, "it's kind of hard to keep from her but I really don't like talking about them with anyone."

"I understand that, but she might be able to help. When she was placed in therapy last year…"

Greg stared at him, continued to nod in appropriate places and tried to remember how to breathe. But he hadn't heard anything past 'therapy last year'.

"I'm sorry," Greg interrupted, not even sure what he was interrupting, "was that the same therapy Sara and I went too?"

"No," Grissom answered giving him a strange look, "after her suspension. You did know about that, didn't you? I think you might have been in the hospital, it was about this time last year."

Greg nodded and said something he thought was an affirmative, but couldn't be certain.

"Greg," Grissom said sharply, concern filling his eyes. As he'd been talking to him Grissom had quite literally seen the color drain from Greg's face. "Are you alright?"

"Fine," Greg started to nod and then abruptly shook his head, "Actually, no. I was in the layout room with evidence earlier and I think it got my allergies going."

"Do you need to take the rest of the night off?" Grissom asked now really concerned as he remembered the last time that had happened. "Should you go to the hospital?"

"No," Greg said standing, "No. Nothing that serious. I've got my inhaler. I'll be fine but I should…"

"Go," Grissom said nodding and standing part ways as Greg exited without another word.

Grissom had no idea what he'd done.

Greg moved quickly down the hallway towards the bathroom. He really was starting to have a difficult time breathing but he knew it wasn't from his allergies. This, he was certain, was a panic attack.

Glad to find it empty he went to the first sink and turned the water on full. Pushing up his sleeves with haste he splashed his face several times and felt his chest constricting.

How did he not know this?

How?

Of course he knew the answer. Sara hadn't told him. That was always the answer to those questions.

Still.

Normally that type of thing spread around the office like wildfire. Everyone knew he saw a shrink. That he was on anti-depressants.

Greg was suddenly struck with a thought.

Was Sara on them too?

Splashing his face again and gripping the sink so tight that his fingers grew numb he tried to force calmness. But he couldn't stop thinking. That was truly his biggest weakness. Once a thought started in his head he couldn't be rid of it. And these were dangerous thoughts.

Not knowing was bad enough. Simply the fact that she was keeping this from him was so bad he could hardly stand it. But worse, to find out like this. Grissom knew. He knew so she must have told him. And if he knew who else did? Why didn't she tell him? Why?

Why?

Greg's phone beeped twice indicating a page. Wiping his sleeve across his face he took it off his belt and checked the screen.

Amy.

Pulling a few paper towels off the dispenser he shut the water off after wiping his face once more. Checking the mirror, knowing he still looked like shit, he headed out the door regardless. Instead of going straight to the lab, he first went to his locker for his inhaler. Taking a few pulls off of it to ease his breathing, he sat for a minute before moving towards the DNA lab.

"How'd it go?" she asked not looking up right away as he stepped inside.

"Not bad," Greg answered, "did you have something for me?"

Amy finished the slide she was on and then really saw him.

"Are you okay?" she asked her voice laced with care, "Greg…"

"Its allergies," he cut in with a short nod. "All that dust. Got through the mask."

Amy nodded but didn't believe him.

"Um, alright," she said instead, "I got something new off the hairs you sent me, from the other bags."

Greg nodded and Amy grew even more ill at ease. He was too quiet.

"They match the suspects. He's been at her house."

"Nick can get a warrant with that," Greg said trying hard to sound pleased or excited but he felt so crushed.

"Greg…"

He looked up and saw how worried she was but it just didn't matter right now.

"Listen," Greg said trying to make something up. To tell her anything to make her stop looking at him like that. "I think this reaction is a bit worse then I thought. Could you tell um, Grissom, or someone that I just went home?"

"Do you need a ride?" she asked stepping closer.

Greg shook his head as he stepped back, bumping into the doorjamb.

"Just tell them okay?"

Amy nodded and watched him retreat down the hall.

Greg moved as quickly as he could. Wasn't sure how he'd gotten to his locker or the garage after that. Knew he drove himself home but couldn't figure out how. He'd felt like this before, just completely shut down. Moving on autopilot. It was the only way he was going to get anywhere. If he stopped and thought too much he might just completely break down.

Unlocking the front door Greg flipped on the living room lights and sunk into the couch.

Sara had lied to him.

He couldn't see any way around that fact. She had. Maybe not directly, he'd never asked her point blank about any of this, but how could he? How was he supposed to ask her things he had no idea about?

Was he just supposed to know?

Maybe he was. Everyone else seemed too. Catherine had fought with him over Sara's attitude. Nick had lectured him about Sara's need to solve these types of things. Grissom knew all about the therapy and her nightmares it seemed. Suggested he ask her for help.

And that's the part that really stung him.

That, more then anything, had really stung. More then it should. More then he should let it but Greg wasn't a fool. He wasn't blind. He wasn't dumb.

Sara had feelings for Grissom. He'd known that for a long time. Greg had thought it was all past tense. That she'd moved on but what if she hadn't?

Obviously she'd told Grissom more then she'd ever told him.

When did she tell him about her nightmares? Nightmares she never breathed a word of to him no matter how many times he'd held her afterwards.

And he'd never asked exactly what had been between them. Greg had always assumed that would be crass. Sara never asked about his former girlfriends. They'd never discussed his love life or hers. They both had written it off as a thing of the past and that had been that.

But Greg's old girlfriends weren't apart of their life together.

Shaking his head, standing and pacing the room he knew that this was the wrong tract to head down. He didn't need to be thinking things that probably weren't true.

But even that hurt because was Sara ever going to tell him what was true?

Rubbing his hands together in front of him he began to pace and his phone rang.

Greg once more took it off his belt and checked the ID screen.

Sara.

Clutching the phone hard in his hand he couldn't bring himself to answer it. Instead he surprised himself by winging it across the room and into the wall effectively stopping the ring and ruining the phone all at once.

Right now he didn't care.

He couldn't talk to her. Couldn't even think about her. Didn't want to see her.

Greg headed purposely down the hallway towards the back bedroom. He grabbed a duffle bag from the closet and pulled a few shirts off of their hangers and a couple pairs of pants. Shoving underwear, socks and some toiletries into it as well not sure what else he'd need or where he was even going he looked aimlessly around the room. Just as he remembered his medication the house phone rang.

He ignored that too.

Putting the last of what he would need for at least a few days into the bag, Greg zipped it shut and headed straight for the front door.

As he got there he paused. Momentarily he thought that it might be better if he at least left a note.

But what would he say?

Greg didn't know where he was going himself right now. He could call her later. Tell her later. She wouldn't be home until the morning anyway. There wasn't a point.

And besides that, now she might see what it feels like to be left in the dark.