Disclaimer: Star Wars belongs to Darth Lucas, not me.
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...
Star Wars
Knights of the Old Republic: Jedi Bathrobe
The Dark Lord Revan has returned. Having overthrown his former apprentice Darth Malak, Revan has turned the awesome might of the Star Forge against the helpless Republic. Planet after planet has fallen before his seemingly unstoppable armadas and armies. Pausing his war of conquest to regroup and reorganize, he is unaware of the return of an old foe...
Deep within the bowels of his Korriban palace, the Dark Lord Revan slept. With his tall frame resting on a throne of gold and is head propped up by his hand, The de facto master of the universe dreamt away the day. A soft snoring sound resounded through the empty throne room with the rising and falling of his chest as he did. In spite of a rendered twisted and repulsive by the Dark Side's corrupting influence, the Dark Lord nonetheless possessed an overwhelming charisma. His posture demanded awe and respect. People were drawn to him, attractive women especially. He sported a mullet that gracefully flowed down the back of his head and facial features that lent themselves well to sneers and scowls. He was dressed in a black Dark Jedi master robe made especially for him by the master garment-weavers of Korriban.
It was the late afternoon when the terminal embedded in the arm of his throne began to emit a high-pitched beeping. The machine continued itselectronic wail for several minutes before the Dark jedi master roused from his nap.
"Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz...muh? Whu, what-?" His eyes snapped open. "Fools! Who dares disturb the slumber of...?" Revan demanded, looked accusingly about the empty throne room for the culprit. Realizing the cause of the disturbance, Revan punched in the access code to his terminal. The beeping ceased and the blue-tinted holographic image of one of the palace's endless legions of anonymous staff members, an Ithorian in this case, appeared before him.
"Lord Revan, the others are ready and waiting for you to join them in the dining hall," reported the creature. The Dark Lord snorted and drummed his fingers on the throne arm.
"Very well. Tell them I'll be arriving momentarily." He pushed a button and the hologram vanished. Revan stood and began walking. Pushing open the throne room doors, he began to make his way to the dining hall at the opposite end of the palace.
Revan's domain was a truly a resplendent serraglio, built following Malak's overthrow with the plundered riches of the worlds fallen before the might of the Star Forge armada. There were halls of marble, columns of gold and doors of platinum. Priceless works of art decorated the walls and hallways. A visitor could find multiple masterpieces in the same room, and in a palace with hundreds of chambers, halls, bedrooms, quarters, abodes and annexes on multiple storeys, it was as much a museum as a stronghold. Revan rarely gave the nick-nacks more than a glance. Art was to him the demesne of weakling intellectuals. He had neither the interest nor time for such trivial obsessions. The palatial were an irritating waste of space to him, but Bastila with her more refined tastes liked them, so he put with them for her sake.
The Dark Lord marched past the dazzling halls and walkways of his magnificent palace and pushed open the grand double dining hall doors and strode within. There along the back hall of the room was a grand rectangular table were seated three of his five companions. There was Canderous the malevolent Mandalorian, smoking a cigar and wearing a bored expression.
To his right: Zaalbar the dim-witted Wookie. Zaalbar actually leaned towards the Light Side, but the life-debt he'd sworn to Revan superseded such principals. Zaalbar loyally carried Revan's orders, regardless of how distasteful he personally found them. Revan still chuckled when he recalled the problem of the Wookie's companion, Mission Vao. The foolish Twi'lek girl refused to accept the Dark Side and naturally needed to be done away with. Revan would have done the deed himself, but had came up with a better idea just as he was reaching to ignite his lightsaber. Revan had asked Zaalbar to kill her. And Zaalbar, ah, loyal Zaalbar had done it! The Wookie had wept and blubbered out apologies even as he snapped the girl's neck like a wet toothpick. It had broken the Wookie's heart to commit such a vile deed but he'd done it anyway. Simply glorious. It was one of Revan's fondest memories and the Dark Lord often recalled itwheneverhe neededto lift his spirits.
Standing against the wall of the Dining Hall were the two droids. HK-47 was Revan's personal assassin droid. Revan was quite fond of it. Not only because it was extremely proficient in combat, but the droid's contempt for organic life forms and gleeful sadism the appealed to his own dark sense of humour.
There was also T3-M4 the Astromech droid: good at hacking slicing security terminals, and...not much else, to be honest.
And seated beside Canderous was Bastila. Ahh yes, Bastila. Where to begin? When Revan first met his future advisor, apprentice and lover on on the doomed planet of Taris when she was serving the Jedi Council like so many other sheep. Over the course of their quest to locate the Star Maps, the two had grown closer together, so close that the bond between them matured into love. There was a problem, however. From early on, even before regaining his memories, Revan had seen through the facade of the presented to him by the Jedi Council on Dantooine. Many Jedi had forsaken the Light Side for the sake of Power. But Revan, he was different. He had seen the logical fallicies and contradiction inherant within such a philosophy.
Thus did Revan abandon the Light Side on the grounds of his intellectual principals. He was standing before the Jedi Councilwhen he decided toembrace the Dark Side. He lied when they made him swear that he would always follow the path of the Light. To think of it now made Revan seeth with rage. How dare the Council try to brainwash him with that do-gooder crap! But he had had the last laugh, oh yes. What was left of the proud Jedi Council and their Dantooine refuge today? Naught but a smoking crater, that's what! Bastila, although technically a follower of the Light Side, was arrogant and overconfident. He recalled how she, observing the inner strength and peace granted to Revan by the Dark Side, would ask him how it felt to do whatever he pleased, as though her faith in the Light was wavering. Yes, now that Revan gave it some thought, Bastila was always quick to give in to her emotions, a trait associated with the Dark Side. Perhaps given enough time Bastila would have abandoned the Light of her own initiative.
Nonetheless, Revan grew concerned as they grew closer. The question of her allegiance troubled him. Would Bastila renounce the Light Side if he asked her to? What if she refused? Would he have it in him to strike her down if she did? This problem was eventually solved by Malak, of all people. Revan's deceased ex-apprentice kidnaped the female Jedi and convinced Bastila to convert to the Dark Side by repeatedly zapping her with force lightning. Thus convinced of the Dark Side's merits, Revan and Bastila were now on the same page as far as the Force was concerned. Malak had, in effect, done Revan's work for him.
But all that was all history, and Revan was not the sort to dwell on the irrelevent echos of the past. It was now time for to assume his role as Dark Lord for another day.
Everyone, the Mandalorian, the Wookie, the droids and his lover stood when he entered the room. "Hail, Lord Revan," they greeted in unison. He acknowledged them with a wave and took his seat at the table between Zaalbar and Bastila.
"Well then," Revan began, looking about the table at his allies. "If we're all here then we can begin." The Dark Lord then clapped his hands twice and called out, "serving wenches, come forth!" No sooner had he spoken this command when the kitchen side door opened and a team of Twi'lek servant girls dressed in revealing attire bearing steaming plates of food emerged. They set them down before Revan and his allies, bowed and left. Prepared for them was a multi-course meal as only the finest enslaved chefs toiling in the kitchens could provide. Revan and company instantly began eating. They always began with a meal before getting down to the day's business. The rationale was that if any of the news the day brought was bad, Revan's appetite wouldn't be ruined. He and his allies began feasting. The sound of chewing and scraping cutlery filled the dining hall. As HK-47 and T3-M4 had no need for food, they stood waiting patiently, ready to serve their Master at any moment.
Today's starter was a green salad with a zesty vinaigrette dressing. Revan frowned after a few bites. The croutons were stale and the dressing was too sweet for his liking. He'd have to order a decrease in the kitchen staff's rations for this culinary disappointment. He reluctantly finished the rest and took a swig of Taris ale, taken from one of the last remaining stocks in the galaxy- Revan's private liquer stock. Ah, now that was the stuff! A light textured drink with a fruity taste perfectly complimented with a hint of cinnamon. Marvelous.
The Twi'lek servants returned to take away their replace their plates and placed before them the main course: Kath Hound steak with a side of Dantooine wheat noodles. Revan and the other began hungrily eating. The meat was well-prepared, well-done but not overcooking to the point of sacrificing flavor and juiciness. Simply delicious.
"I had the most interesting dream last night," commented Canderous in between bites. "I was soaring above the skies of one of the uncountable planets we assaulted during the war. It was the most thrilling sensation, a feeling not even stimulants can give. But something was different, something was wrong. I surveyed my surroundings and then it hit me: I wasn't riding a Basilisk! I was flying without any sort of aid whatsoever." Revan rolled his eyes.
"You know, when I woke up this morning I said to myself, 'gee, I sure do hope Canderous tells us one of his pointless personal anecdotes.'" Revan said sarcastically.
"You dreamt you were flying? Would I be correct in guessing you were also naked at the time," asked a genuinely curious Bastila.
"No, but there was something almost as impressive: I looked to my left and saw another flying mandalorian, just ahead and to the right. And another just past him. And and third even farther. It dawned on me there were hundreds of us Mandalorians flying, in perfect formation no less! No doubt we were on our way to annihilate an enemy completely unprepared for an aerial assault. Oh, if only you could have seen it, Lord Revan!"
"Suddenly I'm glad it's Bastila whose dreams I share," Revan grumbled.
"Sounds like a stupid dream to me," Zaalbar said.
'Well, as incredibly entertaining and informative this conversation had been, it's time we got down to business," Revan said, dabbing at the corners of his mouth with a napkin. The Dark Lord pushed the intercom button by his seat. "Send in the communications droid," he said.
Within a few moments the dining hall doors swung open to admit before Revan and his allies a single protocol droid. It was the task of this communications droid to process the information coming in from the far corners of Revan's empire and summarize it for presentation to the Dark Lord.
"Good afternoon my Lord. I trust your midday meal was pleasant?" it queried
"Bah. I've had better," answered Revan. "Tell me droid, how fares the Empire?"
"Of course my Lord. I have performed an analysis on the many thousands of status reports, news updates and interplanetary developments recently occurring in the many worlds under our control and have derived from them three items I feel are most deserving of your attention in ascending order. Shall I proceed, my Lord?"
"Yes, yes, get on with it."
"The first item: The inhabitants of Shalom II have send us a petition for redress. They complain that they cannot feed their families while burdened with your taxes."
"What? Impudent fools!" Revan shrieked. He stood up and hurled his goblet against the wall, shattering it. T3-M4 quickly wheeled over to the mess and began sweeping away the shards with a built-in sweep. "How dare they question my sovereign authority! I'll teach those schuttas the true meaning of humility! Order an immediate increase on their taxes. Such is their reward for chafing at under the yoke we have placed upon them. Muhuhahahahahah," Revan cackled. Oh, sometimes it was good to be ruler of the universe! He sat down again.
"It shall be done. The second item: The patrol from the Unknown World recently returned and I must unfortunately report that they find any sign of Carth Onasi."
"Damnit!" Revan cursed. He banged his fist down on the table. "Fools and incompetents! That's who I have working under me!" Revan stood up and began pacing back and forth, evidently deep in thought. He finally stopped, having reached a decision. "Very well. Zaalbar, HK-47 and T3-M4 are to take a shuttle to the Unknown World and search for Carth until he is found."
"Again?" Complained Zaalbar.
"Agreement: The Wookie has a point, Master. If the previous one hundred and twenty-six searches there have failed to find any sign of Onasi then it is very likely he has died independently of our efforts or has somehow managed to escape the Unknown World. Suggestion: Perhaps our time and efforts would be better spent elsewhere?" To this T3-M4 added a series of whistles and high-pitched beeps.
"What? What? A strange sound now begins its most unwelcome assault upon my person. What is this sound? By what wretched and contemptible name does it call itself ? Were I not a smarter man, I would have sworn that I encountered it in a past life and knew its name then. Yes, I remember now: It is...insolence!" Revan screamed accusingly. "Insolence in my own house! I'll not have it! Why? Why is it so much to ask that my will be done? I say unto you: Do as I ask and cease your endless bitching! Now," Revan hissed as he pointed a finger towards the the exit. "Go!" Without a word the Wookie, assassin droid and mobile security terminal slicer shuffled out of the room. Revan took a few slow breaths to calm himself down before again taking his seat. "And the third item?'
"It seems a mysterious traveler has been sighted traveling about the various worlds under our control and building a following wherever he visits. It seems he dresses in black robes and possesses considerable powers of persuasion. We also recently learned-"
"And I sure care about this beeecauusssee?" asked Revan, drawing out the last word and to emphasize his indifference.
"-That he goes by the name of Darth Bobo." Revan's pupil-less white eyes opened wide.
"Mrifk!" He exclaimed, using the traditional Jedi term for dismayed surprise. Bastila and Canderous looked at their liege with fear. Something that startled Revan so could hardly be good. "Quickly! Where was he last seen?" The Dark Lord demanded of the protocol droid.
"His presence was last reported on Tantooine. My Lord, I detect alarm at this development. Shall I have the Ebon Hawk prepared for departure?"
"Immediately." Revan swung his gaze back towards his lover and the Mandalorian. "Bastila and Canderous, Prepare to leave with me on the double. If what this is true than we haven't a moment to spare!"
