LOTR: Gone Rum (The Academic Bowl)

Saraman and Lee

Author's Notes: Did it on the way to an Academic Bowl, where we took first place. Yay.

Legolas pressed the buzzer at the question and said: "57, 32, and 49."

"That is correct," came a voice over a loudspeaker. Aragorn continued: "And the Men follow the Elves in second place, the Dwarves in third, and the Orcs have been disqualified for bobbing for apples in the studio toilet!" The Orcs snarled in rage, running around smashing windows and things, while the Dwarves flipped over a tall table that was loaded with a feast of voluptuous foods. Then, they commenced stuffing their faces avariciously.

"Oh no!" cried Legolas. He grew uncharacteristically angry and reached for his matched blades. Then, Legolas proceeded to scalp Gimli, making the other Dwarves indescribably furious. They started to destroy everything in sight. They ran around manically chanting in a robotic voice: "Must destroy!"

Aragorn, who was only interested in winning the contest, grabbed the trophy. Then he sprinted to the door and hopped on a bicimoto.

"After him!" Ugluk screamed, but Aragorn was already long gone. Legolas, who was holding the prize money, ran ahead. Suddenly, everyone stopped. They had reached a cliff. But while the trophy was falling, an orc got over to the cliff, saw the trophy, and said:

"Ooo, pretty!" Then, he dove over the edge after the shining trophy. Knowing the trophy was lost, Legolas told Aragorn:

"I'll hold the money as you go down." Aragorn agreed. As he slid down the rope, Legolas threw down a few pennies and hit Aragorn in the eye. Aragorn took a deep breath to calm himself before calling:

"Throw the rest down!"

"No!" shouted Legolas. "You want the money, then you come and get it!" Aragorn came to the end of the rope. He noted where the trophy fell and ran blindly toward it.

"No!" shrieked the elf. "Where is it?" Without warning, the snow hit. The mountain air was cold, evidenced by Legolas' breath emerging as a misty cloud. Because he was covered by a thick coat of dirt and grime, Aragorn could go faster than Legolas. So he sneaked up on him and poked him with his sword.

"Ahh!" cried Legolas. He whirled around and whipped Aragorn with his long blonde braid. Aragorn seared the braid off and sliced the elf's bow in half.

"But," said Legolas, "my bow's not supposed to break!" He stabbed Aragorn in the other eye with an arrow and stole the trophy. As he held the trophy up, a volcano beside them erupted and burnt up the trophy and prize money. Then, a firey argument commenced as to whose fault it was. They fought for a very long time, until the Academic Bowl the next year. Unfortunately, the same thing happened all over again! And again, and again, and again, and again, and again...

Finis