Disclaimer - I do not own Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time or any materials relating to the Novels.

Mat struts down the sidewalk towards the fabric store, a determined smirk plastered to his face. This is the day he puts an end to it all, no more Tylin, no more Elayne, no more nuthin. He's too damn cool to be played!

"That's right!" Nalesean exclaims with feigned enthusiasm from beside him and Mat looks over angrily,

"If you're not goin' to act normal, you can go home." Nalesean shrugs and regains his apathetic disposition,

"Mat, you made me come. I could be sleeping…"

"Yo, you do dis, I'll use ma connections wit Rand to snatch up all da Sea Folk bizzles ya ever wanted." A smile slowly spreads across Nalesean's face and Mat smirks and approaches the door. He rubs his hands together and thrusts the door open powerfully, rushing in with fists drawn.

"All you biatches best listen to—" Mat freezes in mid-sentence before his right foot touches the ground as two dice roll passed his foot.

"I'm play'n craps down here, biatch, ya mind?" Mat looks down at a young man sitting cross legged on the ground wearing a diaphanous white robe. A woman sits beside him, wearing the same and Mat licks his lips, wondering how the robe would look on the floor.

Mat shakes his impure thoughts away and looks towards the back of the store where Tylin stands, speaking to three women, all wearing black formal pants suits. Two black women, one short and baldheaded and a taller one, statuesque and probably used to digging trenches. The third is the most beautiful, possessing all the curves the others don't. Not to mention the long legs of a goddess.

"Who these people?" Mat asks suspiciously and Tylin laughs and waves towards him,

"Be a dear and introduce yourself, poppy seed." Mat grumbles and steps over the da'cavole's dice roll, a victorious seven, and walks to the three women, all towering over him cept the Mugsy Bogues wanna-be.

"Whatchu look'n at, white boy?" The short one demands furiously in the most ghetto-rific tone and Mat jumps away through terror. He just don't trust black chicks.

"I apologize, Ms…"

"You say my name, biatch, and I'm gon chop out'cho tongue!" Mat cringes behind Tylin for protection and the women all laugh.

Tylin coddles him with a pat on the head and smiles,

"Mat, these women represent 'The Empress's Gowns' and they just bought this location, so our stores are going to merge." Mat sniffles, trying to shake tears of freight from his eyes,

"I'm not working near tha—that beast!" Mat points his finger at the short one and her eyes erupt in a blaze of red.

"C'mere!" She barks and Mat squeaks and jumps away, trying to hide under a table, but she catches his leg, "Boy, I'm gon make ya my biatch!" She tightens her grip and yanks Mat away from underneath the table. Mat looks around desperately for Nalesean but the man pretends not to see his plight, flirting with two Sea Folk apprentices.

A knife flashes from the short woman's sleeve and Mat closes his eyes, praying that the blood loss kills him before she castrates him, but the store's door bursts open and everyone spins and looks. Mat's eyes widen as he sees Detective Noal stroll through the door. The man flashes a plastic badge and quickly stuffs it away,

"Tylin Quintara, you are under arrest! On charges of the statutory rape of a minor, of uhhh," The forgetful old man looks down at a pad of paper and nods, "Ah yes, your employee, Matrim Cauthon!" He announces loudly and Tylin's eyes bulge from their sockets. Nynaeve scratches the top of her head,

"Isn't the fact he's a minor implied in the word 'statutory'? Wait! He's not a minor!" Mat quickly wiggles away from his attacker and bobs his head quickly,

"Yes, I am! Only uhhh…seventeen! SeE how ShORt I aM, LOoK? Ah, mY vOIcE is chaNginG!" Mat quickly rushes away from the four women, and stands beside Noal.

"Wait, I saw him in a bar last night!" Elayne accuses and Noal turns to Mat and Mat freezes, but Birgitte comes to his defense,

"He never purchased any alcohol."

"Good enough for me," Noal says and holds out his padded cuffs towards Tylin, "I'm sure you know how to use these. Put em on." Tylin brushes passed Noal and looks down at Mat with a look of longing. She snivels and wipes her eyes, making Mat feel more than a little guilty and he whispers,

"I promise I had nothing to do with this…"

"This is how much I'll miss you." Tylin opens her arms wide and Mat is touched by the size of her compassion, but her arms swing closed and her fists slam into the sides of his head, "You BASTARD! I won't miss you at all!" Tylin begins flailing her arms wildly, sending Mat to the ground cowering. He is pummeled maliciously for a number of minutes before Noal finally hauls Tylin off of him and pushes her towards the door handcuffed.

Mat coughs up blood as he stands to his feet and frowns towards Noal,

"Nothing bad will happen to her will it?" Noal sighs sullenly and looks towards the ground,

"I'm afraid young Matrim, she's probably gonna get the chair…"

"The chair!" Mat asks apprehensively and a massive grin spreads across Noal's old face,

"MY chair! Haha, you dumbass! Smooth skin, rock'n body, and you bitched about it! I'm out, son!" Noal cackles as he spins around and dances out the store, shaking his Viagra in his left hand and Mat is left standing confused. Elayne and Nynaeve stalk towards him, glaring daggers, but he stands his ground.

"The hell do you two want?" Mat demands as Nalesean walks up behind him, but looks towards the ground.

"You, like, just got us fired, you bitch!" Elayne growls and Mat shrugs indifferently and turns around. Nynaeve sniffs loudly and Elayne hauls her hand back to slap him. Mat spins around just in time to catch her flailing wrist and he glares at Nynaeve,

"You can either stop sniffing your stank skanky ass or you can go take a shower!" Tears burst into Nynaeve's eyes and she turns and runs under a table bawling, "And you!" Mat turns his glare to Elayne and her eyes widen, "All the shiat I've done fo yo trifl'n ass, and your chin is still in the air! Surprised yo neck aint broke yet! Now when you slap someone, you best do it right!"

"Excuuuse me?" She asks belligerently and Mat groans and pushes her wrist away,

"What did the five fingers say to tha face!"

"Huh?"

"SLAP!" Mat's hand flashes and Elayne bounds across the fabric store, crashing into a stand of spools and yarn. His hand stings but it felt good as hell.

Mat thinks to sit down and play craps with the half naked chick but the three new owners of the store stare at him viciously. He turns towards Birgitte to thank her for the help, but he overhears Elayne as she stands up with a massive red handprint across the side of her face.

"I aint stay'n here for the merger. I just hate big businesses taking over the little guys. Stealing jobs for the needy. Well, it's time to go to the Bank of Camaeyln and fire all the minorities and replace them with whites that I approve us. Let's go!" Elayne pulls Nynaeve behind her and Vanin trails after them, all exiting the store and marching away, pretending to be important.

"Oh, shiat, I've gotta warn Rand!" Mat looks around, searching for a phone and Nalesean turns to one of the young Sea folk girls, a member of his fan club,

"Hey, Talaan, can I borrow your cell-phone?" The young girl tilts her head confused,

"I'm Metarra…but close enough." She giggles as she hands Nalesean her small phone and he hands it to Mat.

Rand's eyes widen at the Bank of Camaelyn as Mat explains the situation and he closes his cell phone which has a jewel encrusted cover. He looks around his office frantically and Davram and Rhuarc look at him confused from their chairs.

"What's goin on, Sir? You look like Mashadar is coming to claim you." Rhuarc asks through concern and Rand grabs his poster of the sexilicious 'Stilled Leane' off his wall,

"It is! Elayne's using her star-trek beam-me-up thing, she'll be here soon. I've gotta get away!"

"You're blind to what a stone could see," Min says from the corner, wearing her bra on her head, "With its five eyes…"

"Shut the hell up and go get in the elevator!" Rand orders, holding all his desk supplies in his arms.

"We'll try to take care of things, Sir, but where will you go now?" Davram asks as Rand tosses his supplies into a black backpack,

"The Cubs need a new Manager right?"

"You? No!" Asmodean yells from the other corner of the room.

"Yea, Rand, that's suicide!" Davram insists and Rand sighs, slinging the backpack over his shoulder,

"I'd rather die than put Rand Jr. in that Trolloc lookin…ugh, I mean c'mon! Ever hear of a razor! G'damn!" Rand rushes out of the office and Davram and Rhuarc wave good-bye to their brave leader.

Rand pushes his way into the elevator and Daved Hanlon smirks towards him,

"Is Elayne here yet?"

"No, thank God." Rand answers gratefully and Daved sighs,

"I've never had a Queen."

"Elayne!" Rand shutters with a cringe, "You poor, poor man."