I just watched Intoxicated and it compelled me to write this, right now. Some of what I'll write comes from personal knowledge and some of it is what I've learned. Feedback is always welcome.
At the head of the courtroom they stood, Casey looking in to Simone's eyes sending her a silent message.
I kept my seat in the back, they both looked at me.
Everything that had happened, the old wounds that had ripped at the edges to reveal scar tissue opened. I had to get out of there.
With their eyes watching my every move I walked from the room to a cab and my comfort zone.
Central Park.
I went there because it was where I always jog when I have the time, where I jogged when I couldn't stand to be home. And where I first went after I had injured my mother for the very first time.
In private, as always, I let the tears fall. My mind flashed to my conversation with Casey.
'If you don't talk about the abuse then it's not real', is what I said.
That's true. To this day that is true.
If no one talks about it then you can pretend it doesn't exist. The pain, the hurt, the confusion, everything, it all is like pretend.
God, how I wanted to talk. But that would be making it known to someone else. I couldn't trust anyone else, no one not even myself.
Carrie was ashamed and scared and angry. So was I.
'Olivia you didn't kill your mother', Casey's words rang in my head like a bell.
She's right, I didn't but I wanted to so many times.
Because my mother wasn't there, she wasn't my mother she was a drunk with a kid. Not her daughter just a kid.
Serena beat me so many times I began to know when to expect them. No one ever reached out to me so I didn't reach out to anyone else. I lived- no I live in my head the majority of the time.
Casey and Elliot are the only one's I've told at work. Elliot because he's my partner and we just know each other. Casey because of this damn case. Because of the wounds it reopened.
Now the cold buffets my wet cheeks and reality grips my heart.
I didn't tell anyone about the abuse because it would make it real.
I didn't want reality. Reality was harsh. It was and still is easier to keep what's inside me a secret from everyone. Maybe it's because I don't trust anyone else but myself...
...Yea that's exactly it...
FINISHED...
