Disclaimer: Clearly by now we know that I don't own Harry Potter. This disclaimer is to tell you that I also don't own the song "Without You," from which this title takes it's name. The song is from Jonathan Larson's RENT.
Author's Note: First things first: oh my God, guys, I totally never expected this to be a story that got 100 reviews, so thank you all so much for that. Moving along, you've made it almost to the end. This chapter I'm going to say up front will be a little shorter because I want to try something new with it. Given that I'm trying something new, if you like it, tell me, and if you hate it, tell me. And I'm very sorry that this has taken so long, things have just been crazy for FOREVER now, I had finals and then a show and then auditions and then… craziness. But I'm going to try to get super super good about getting the chapter after this one out, okay?
Author's Note (reprise): Okay, I lied. I changed my mind and decided to elaborate on how this chapter's going to work, it's going to change points of view between pieces of song lyrics, starting with Ginny's. Oh, and as an added bonus this is a very long chapter.
Review Responses:
AvId PiAnIsT: Thanks. Yeah, I kept it in mind in this chapter – thanks for the note on it, by the way, I like getting constructive criticism. Thanks for reviewing, and hope you like the next chpt!
Hpgirl4eva: Haha yay! Well, not that you won't be able to cope, but that you like it enough to not be able to cope with the ending:0). Yay, thanks for the review!
Steve: It's interesting that you take that perspective, because honestly it's opposite the one I was expecting. That being said, however, it is understandable. And, if I've made you feel strongly about a character either way I'm happy. More to the point, I take it to mean that you liked the chapter? Which is also good, haha. Thanks for reviewing!
The-insufferable-know-it-all: Don't you just love him though? Thanks so much for the review!
Belle of the Known Galaxy: Yeah, I know she messed up but personally I feel bad for her. Granted, I'm the one that wrote it but shh, we'll ignore that for now, haha. I'm so glad you liked it! Thanks for reviewing and here's chapter 16.
Lizzie5555555: Yeah, in this scene originally it was going to be Hermione who came down to find Ginny, but I wanted a cute brother-sister moment and I felt like I haven't dealt enough with Ron yet. So I'm glad you liked it! Here's chapter 16!
Carmel March: Aww, I know! But yeah, I didn't want him to just forgive her like that, you know? Anyway, I'm glad you loved it, and here's chapter 16!
Ayse: Hahaha I loved your review, hon. Thank you! It's not that I was keeping it from you on purpose, I just didn't mention it. They will get back together soonish, I swear. Well, it's two chapters from the end so they have too. I'll update as soon as I can (aka after finals, hahaha). And I'm tres amused about the English teacher comment… thanks for the review, girlie 3 ya!
Estrella Morena: Haha, but the thing is I get Harry if it doesn't work out between him and Ginny, ;0). As for the updating, it's not so much a procrastination thing as I just had finals and am in the middle of tech week for a show and am about to go into tech week for another show right after that… basically it all boils down to I've been swamped. But I do agree about procrastination, it's so easy… why is that? It's really quite annoying sometimes. Anyway, thanks for your review! Here's chapter 16.
Without You
The ground thaws
The rain falls
The grass grows
Without You
The seeds root
The flowers bloom
The children play
The stars gleam
The eagles fly
Without you
The earth turns
The Sun burns
But I die
Without you
Winter moved sluggishly into spring, and though the miserable weather didn't change much, just substituting snow for rain, things generally went back to normal. Life, school, friends; essentially, it all fell back into pattern. Hermione and I went back to being best friends, I was no longer Gryffindor public enemy number two (second only to Draco himself, who'd probably always take the number one spot), and even Harry and I were speaking again. Speaking, not having real conversations or being friends or back how we were, but for now I would take meaningless discussions of Quidditch or classes over a cold, detached stare. It wasn't, though, like I couldn't read between the lines of our conversations. There were a thousand words that neither of us was brave enough to say, and for me at least, twice that many apologies that would never escape my lips. Every time I talked to him it took every ounce of self-restraint not to let everything I was thinking jumble in a disorderly way through my mouth, but the one time I actually had the opportunity, the courage disappeared. It seemed that this stilted, half-friendship was as good as it was going to get. It was something I'd have to get used to. Sure, it would happen, but it would always feel awkward, like walking in shoes of two different sizes.
Without you
The breeze warms
The girl smiles
The cloud moves
Without you
The tides change
The boys run
The oceans crash
The crowd roars
The days soar
The babies cry
Without you
"You don't have to stay mad at her forever," Ron had said one day. I hadn't really been expecting it. Understandably, Ron hadn't wanted to say anything through the whole Ginny thing, so while I knew exactly who and what he was talking about it was still strange to hear him say that.
"Oh? And just what am I supposed to do? Say it's alright that she betrayed me, did the one thing that could almost… almost…" I didn't even know what I wanted to say, all I knew was that the feeling of rage and overwhelming hurt that had coursed through me when I'd seen that picture wouldn't be something I'd forget all that soon. It was all I could do to yell incoherently at Ron, though I knew it wasn't his fault. Ginny and I had put him in an awkward place; she was his sister, I was his best friend, and where he sat right now took more resolve than I really gave him credit for.
The phrase echoed through my mind in this particular moment as I stared at a picture of me and Ginny. It couldn't've been taken much before the now infamous one of her and Malfoy. I looked into her eyes, studied the face that I thought I knew so well – there wasn't any sign of what was about to happen, so what could've gone wrong? Damn. It was question I'd asked myself too many times already, and I didn't want to waste any time on it anymore. We'd moved on with our lives, or so it seemed. I'd moved on, moved past bitterness and hurt, moved past that feeling that there was something irrevocably missing since the day I'd told her I couldn't even look at her anymore. That was a lie, but I couldn't help it. A part of me wanted so much to believe that what'd had happened wasn't her fault, but a bigger part of me just said it was setting myself up for disappointment. So I moved on. To friends, to Quidditch, to school, to life. To anything, and anyone, but her.
The world revives
Colors renew
But I know blue
Only blue
Lonely blue
Within me, blue
Without you
As these things often are, a sudden change in my schedule actually provided a complete blessing in disguise. Teachers started piling on the work again, Quidditch picked up immeasurably, and various other things here and there kept me feeling as though I never had a free moment. Being busy though, has always suited me. That aside, it kept my mind off… well other things. As hard as I tried, I couldn't avoid the pang I felt when I'd see Harry talking to a pretty girl with curly dark blonde hair who I knew to be a Ravenclaw with increasing frequency. And for as hard as I tried, I couldn't push thoughts of him out of my mind. But less sleep and more work were taking care of that; they were taking care of most thoughts, mind you, but less painful memories of Harry was something I could take.
Without you
The hand gropes
The ear hears
The pulse beats
"I don't understand, why don't you just go out with her, mate? She's one of the prettiest girls in our year and she's made it pretty clear she wants you, Harry." Said Dean, re-reading the note I'd gotten at breakfast from Clara Menzelle.
"How is it you always end up with the hottest girls in our year, mate?" Chimed in Seamus.
"I'm not with her, Seamus, and I don't want to be." I snapped irritably.
"Why not though, mate?" Asked Neville. Ron shot me a look that said that if I answered this question the wrong way the words could be my last, so I gave Neville a moody "Just because" and left it at that. A few more minutes of mindless conversation passed as I considered what it was about this that made me so irritable. They say that the best way to move on is to find someone new. Well, if that was true an opportunity had fallen in my lap, quite literally. Clara had tripped walking to the Ravenclaw table in the Great Hall about a week ago, and landed in my lap. We'd been talking since then, and then she sent me this note asking me out. But besides for the fact that I didn't have feelings for her, I just couldn't handle the thought of me with someone who wasn't Ginny yet.
For all I'd told myself about not thinking about Ginny, it seemed that I couldn't push her out of my mind. "I've grown accustomed to her face," I thought. It was bittersweet irony – this short lyric from a favorite muggle movie of Ginny's mum summed up my entire thought process. Everything seemed to lead back to her, and yet we couldn't move past this horrible, strained relationship full of superficial conversation and too-meaningful looks and too painful memories.
"Time for Quidditch, Harry," said Ron, interrupting my train of thought. The weather outside looked absolutely awful; sheets of slate gray rain fell from charcoal clouds, as the wind caused the trees practically to double on themselves.
Without you
The eyes gaze
The legs walk
The lungs breathe
By the time I had gotten to the Quidditch pitch I was already more or less soaked through. I'd been tired before practice, and given the freezing rain and wind, it didn't look like it'd be a light practice either. Entering the dressing room I attempted to towel-dry my hair enough to put it into a ponytail, and I went to put on my robes when I saw a note pinned to the mirror.
"Practice cancelled. Soddy weather, plus I've got a huge History of Magic test tomorrow.
Adam"
It was moments like this that I loved him. Quiet and unassuming, nobody had known about Adam's Quidditch talents until this fall, when we all learned he was to be our new captain. Apparently he'd never played in the house league because he'd played for a semi-professional summer league, but this year his coach told him it'd be a good idea to get at least one year of school Quidditch under his belt. He was a tough captain, but sometimes, on occasions like this, would let us out. I changed back and had started making my way through the pouring rain when I ran into Harry and Ron.
"Practice is cancelled," I remarked flippantly, or at least what I thought was flippantly. Ron looked exuberant at not having to stand around in this weather, and started heading for the castle.
"Coming Harry?" he called over his shoulder.
"Just a sec," replied Harry, and I felt my heart lurch. I hated that feeling, hated that my throat tightened at that my eyes watered just standing there watching him. Hated that I couldn't tear my eyes away from his, and hated even more that his eyes wouldn't meet mine. I hated how weak I felt standing there, how I suddenly didn't know if I'd be able to keep the cool façade I'd been projecting for so long. Mostly though, I hated that I couldn't just move on, that I felt all this and that there was nothing I could to do change it.
The mind churns
The heart yearns
The tears dry
Without you
Once Ginny told us practice was cancelled, Ron turned for the castle. I'd planned to go with him, but something about her made me stop. Something about the look in her eyes was different. The same spark that'd always been there was still present, but it was clouded over by a profound tiredness and sadness I hadn't seen before. I couldn't meet her gaze, only when she would look away from me could I dare to look at her again. I was rooted to the spot, and yet at the same time I could barely contain my compulsion to go over next to her. As the rain continued to pour down, I realized that something had to be said. Trouble was, I couldn't figure out what. We awkwardly stared each other down for another minute before finally, blissfully, she broke the science.
"Is there a reason we're standing in the freezing rain saying nothing?" Her tone was light, but neither of us was stupid enough to believe it was a joke. Taking a deep, shaky breath, I knew I had to finally say something of substance.
"We… need to talk." I offered weakly.
"You don't say," she drawled. The flat sarcasm in her voice was thick, as our eyes happened to meet, I realized that she couldn't've said anything more fitting if she'd tried.
Life goes on
But I'm gone
'Cause I die
Without you
The original words had made it out, but now we were locked in a stare-down to see who would speak first. My heart raced and I fought to keep from shaking as I watched him rumple his hair.
"Harry, I…" I started. My voice caught pronouncing his name.
"Why?" I flinched as if he'd hit me. The question seemed ambiguous, but I knew exactly what he meant, and I didn't have an answer.
"I didn't… I mean… I didn't mean… I don't know what to tell you."
"What were you thinking? How could you have fallen for his shit, after what happened? What reason in the world do you have for this?" He continued to talk, asking questions without pausing for me to answer, but after a while I stopped hearing him. My head was spinning, and I was so lost in my own thought it took me a second to realize he'd stopped talking.
"Look, Harry, you don't have to believe my version of what happened. You don't have to believe me, you don't have to like me for it, but you have to…" my voice cracked, but I knew if I stopped now I'd never finish talking. "You have to believe I wouldn't ever do anything on purpose to hurt you. More than anything I wish I could take back what I did, but I can't. And okay, I should have done something. But… it's not all my fault." I said weakly, my throat tightening.
"I should have done something, but I just… I couldn't… I didn't want to… Harry I don't even know what to tell you except I'm sorry. Just… I'm so, so sorry." I hated more than anything to cry in front of him, but as tears started sliding down my cheeks I couldn't help it. I'd ruined everything. I'd totally smeared my own reputation by acting like a foolish little girl and I'd hurt my friends in the process. But more than anything I'd hurt Harry. When we'd gotten together Ron made him swear never to break my heart. He hadn't, I'd done it to myself in hurting him. As I cried silently, trying desperately to get a hold on myself, he stood stonily, an unreadable expression on his face, not speaking and not moving. Taking gasping, awkward breaths to calm myself, I moved a little closer to him.
"There's only one thing I'm asking you to believe, that I'm sorry and that… that I love you." I whispered. I couldn't stand to watch him anymore, so I turned to go, trying not to believe that nothing would ever be the same.
Without you
"I love you," she whispered. The words were a slap in the face, but not in a bad way. What was I doing? My mind raced, and all at once it was very clear that I did, in fact, believe her, and I knew I couldn't let her walk away. I had my fair share of apologies to make as well.
Without you
"Ginny wait!" I heard Harry's voice ring out after me. Almost before I realized it I had turned back to face him. I gazed at him through the now subsiding rain, waiting for him to speak again. He came up to me, and I about jumped out of my skin when I felt his hand grab mine.
"Listen, I've been a royal prat and there's nothing I can say that will make it up to you. But I should've believed you, and I… Merlin, Ginny, I've been stupid. I'm just sorry."
"For what? What have you done? I'm the one who went and ruined everything."
"For what? Not believing you, but more importantly for not even trying to. For not listening to you, letting myself be convinced of way too much, and for…" he trailed off.
"And for?"
"Er, listening to Malfoy." As I heard Harry say this a flash of anger swept through me but in an instant it was gone, and all I could feel was relief.
"So we've had a small setback, but… Ginny, I want to be with you. I love you," he said sincerely, looking me square on for the first time in I couldn't remember how long.
A smile spread across my face as he wrapped his arms around me.
"Damn you, Harry Potter," I muttered.
"What for?" He asked indignantly.
"You've gone and made me cry again, you great prat," I joked, sniffling. He pulled away from me.
"Have I? Well let's see what I can do to fix that." He kissed me softly, instantly erasing all the previous months' drama and saying everything we'd yet to cover.
"Right then," he said, breaking away. "What do you suppose we somewhere it's actually dry?" He asked, tugging me in the direction of the castle. And as we plodded through the mud, I knew that things would in fact be different. It just wouldn't be the awful, awkward different I'd envisioned. And there was nothing I didn't like about that.
