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A/N: A special thanks to writer007 and slytherin-nettefor helping figure out how to italicize words!
To Be Young Again
Chapter 7: Thoughts of a Broken Mind
James cursed himself silently as he lay in his bed. Lily had just walked out on him at the Three Broomsticks, and nearly half the school was there, listening to Lily and James' shouting match and watching them argue. The entire population of Hogwarts will have some twisted version of the story by morning, James thought miserably.
Why, oh why did he have to go and lost his temper? He could have just kept his mouth shut, but no, he had to go off and yell at her. And now look where it's landed you, James told himself bitterly.
I should have kept my temper. I should have told myself "Suck it up" and got on with it. But no, I had to yell at Lily, and now she hates me more than ever. Damn you, James, he cursed himself.
Why couldn't I just listen to what Lily was saying? She was right- she would have never gone out with me if it weren't for that stupid dare I gave her. She's right; I am a coward. I would never ask her to go out with me to her face after what happened last year, so I forced her to. Stupid thing to do; she'd just hate me even more. And she does, James thought dejectedly as his stomach plummeted.
Now I've screwed up all my chances with Lily, and she'll never have me anyway, James thought without emotion. What have I done?
Now, the mind is a peculiar thing, and for some reason, James' thoughts switched from Lily to Remus and the anonymous note he received concerning James.
I wonder if that note really is important, James thought. After all, Remus is the most mature Marauder and he looked really serious and worried. I wonder who that note was from. Someone must be intercepting my owls! But then why didn't Lily's note get intercepted? Why did I receive it? James thought.
Because, you fool, said a little voice in the back of his head, Do you think the person cared whether or not you were going on a date? And if the letters between you and Lily were read, then would the person really care if you're going out with someone who obviously doesn't care about you?
Ouch. That hurt.
But what if Remus was right? I mean, what if there really is someone trying to kill me? Who would it be? I haven't made myself any mortal enemies...
Have I?
Of course not. I may be popular and everything, but no one has ever been jealous enough to want to 'kill' me, have they?
And then that nasty voice spoke again. But what if it isn't jealousy?
Of course its jealousy, James argued with himself, what else would it be?
It could be something outside school, bird-brain, said that little voice in the back of his head.
James decided to leave that issue alone. It was giving him a headache.
So what am I going to do about Lily? James wasn't the type of guy that gave up easily. He was used to having his way and getting what he wanted, so there was no reason that this should be any different than any other situation.
He couldn't force her into loving him like he had forced her into a date. It was wrong and he knew it. And it wasn't possible, either. She was strong, unlike him. He collapsed under pressure; did things just for show. She was smart, as he was. He and Sirius were top in their year. She was modest, and loyal; he wasn't. He had, as Lily had told him, an air-filled head. Then when it struck him.
He had to deflate his head.
A/N: Alright, I'm really sorry it was so short. I didn't have anything else to write, and I wanted to update as quickly as possible so that I could work on my other story, which unfortunately isn't flowing as easily as this one. Any advice/help would be greatly appreciated. Okay, if you haven't read the Author's Note, here's what's going on:
Lily and James are in a...situation, as you know. They are in their sixth year, and in their seventh is when they start going out, so here's the deal: I have to get to the point where they're going out, right? In their seventh year. So I'll have to speed this year up, so it won't be as detailed as I'd like. And the year's half over; Christmas holidays just passed (chapter one). So this year'll rush by a little more quickly than I'd (and I'm sure you'd) like, but it'll go on into seventh year.
Okay, I hope that cleared up some of your questions, and if you have more, just e-mail me!
Love ya all,
OutofAzkaban
