Disclaimer:I own no aspects of "The West Wing" the show and all the rights belong to NBC and the respective creators, directors, writers ect...

Summary: He's loved her for years and when he believes that he has finally lost her for good she almost looses him permanetly. Toby and CJ reflect and the experiences of their past and how one mistake almost cost them everything.

General Info about the story:

Where does this story fall in the West Wing timeline: This story will include a lot of flashbacks and memories that involve CJ and Toby. When the story is being told in present tense it takes place sometime between "Noel" and "Dead Irish Writers" We haven't reached the part of the timeline when CJ recieved the threats in season three and I'm not even going to deal with that whole issue and what resulted with Simon. NOR is Andy going to be pregnant in my story. NO TWINS. Toby and Andy were married but she stopped trying to get pregnant after they divorced.

Themes: there are some dark themes in this story. The title tells you that. No deaths though I promise. I couldn't do that I like all the characters too much for that.

Reviews: I want lots of reviews! Many, many, many of them! Be critical if you want, tell me what I'm doing wrong but please no flames. Flames will be printed out and set aflame for my pleasure.

Okay on with the story.


He didn't know when it happened. He couldn't pinpoint the exact moment when something inside him had snapped and he hadstarted down that path, with those thoughts, and certain misinterpretations, misinterpretations that hadalmost caused him to lose her again, permanently this time. It was a cycle with them, it always had been. They would meet for a brief time and right when sparks would begin to fly something would come up that would drag them apart again. He hated that cycle but had seen no end to it in sight. God, he had been so stupid, he had tried to throw all the good times they had had together away with the bad times and he hated himself for doing that. She had still stood by him though, even when he thought he had walked past the line of forgiveness. She had still been there.

He felt tears perk at the corners of his eyes as he watched her lie there beside him. The moonlight peeked in through the partially opened blinds and left pale bars of moonlight across her perfect form. The gentle rise and fall of her chest was hypnotizing. He loved to watch her sleep. When she slept all the challenges and trials of the day faded away and only she was left. She was so strong, independent, and absolutely beautiful and as he watched her he couldn't help but think about how he had almost permanently lost her.

A couple of tears escaped him and tracked their way down his cheeks as he lay there beside her. As he watched her he couldn't help but remember all the pain he had caused her over the years. The woman lying next to him had given him more second chances then he ever deserved and he appreciated each and every one. It was the last second chance that he was most grateful for, the second chance that he almost didn't get because he had almost succeeded in making the worst mistake of his life.

If Josh hadn't showed up when he did than he wouldn't be lying here, with her by his side, as he was now. It had been almost a year since he had taken the razor and cut as deeply as possible into his wrists. When he looked back on it now he saw how stupid the whole idea had been, suicide never solved anything. It just left a lot of people behind to mourn. She would have mourned the hardest and no one they worked with would have known why because none of their co-workers knew the history they shared.

A couple more tears tracked their way down his cheeks and he wiped them away in frustration. He had almost thrown his life away and he regretted everything he had tried to do. Months of intensive counseling had seen to that. He would never try it again because he knew all the pain it had caused his friends and he refused to make her go through that scenario again.

He must have made some noise because the next thing he knew she had rolled over and was blinking at him in sleep-fogged concern. When she saw the tears on his face she was immediately awake and he felt guilt flush through his body for worrying her. Before he could speak he felt her gentle hand brushing away the tears.

"Toby?" He voice was full of worry and concern with a hint of outright fear. He gently reached up and cupped her hand in his.

"It's okay CJ, sweetheart I'm fine…"

"No you aren't Toby, don't lie to me. God please don't lie to me." She begged softly. "Please Toby talk to me don't shut me out." Her voice rose slightly as she spoke and she fought back against the panic that had been building in her chest since she had awoken to find him crying. The next thing she knew Toby had pulled her to him and was whispering gently in her ear as his hands rubbed small circles up and down her back.

"I'm so lucky to have you. God I was such an idiot for trying to throw it all away. I swear CJ, I don't want to ever hurt you again like I did before. You have to believe me. I just got lost in the memories, all the pain I caused everybody, all the pain I caused you, I…" CJ pulled away from him gently and put a finger to his lips to shush him. As he had spoken the panic had slowly dispersed and she had been able to react again.

"It's okay Toby. You don't have to apologize again. I know how hard this has been for you and I'll be here to help. Now nod yes if you understand me and no if I have to repeat myself." Toby nodded slightly and CJ removed her finger from his lips. "Good, now if you ever scare me like that again I'm going to hurt you myself." A small smile tugged at the corners of Toby's mouth.

"Understood, no scares, what-so-ever, for as long as I know you. I'll write myself a memo in the morning and get right on that." Now it was CJ's turn to smile but she quickly turned serious again.

"Don't joke about this Toby. You scared me." For a second Toby wouldn't meet her eyes.

"I know." He finally found the courage to meet her gaze. "I know you've heard enough apologies from me but I didn't intend to scare you." She nodded.

"I know the memories are tough. I deal with them too." She didn't have to tell him about the nightmares she had had after she had first seen him at the hospital. In a lot of ways it had been worse than when she had seen Josh lying in the hospital after Rosslyn. She hadn't known Josh before she worked with him on the campaign.

She would never forget the second she first walked into Toby's hospital room after Leo had told her what had happened. All the memories she had of Toby from their time together had come crashing back in a wave that had left her shaking and sobbing at the foot of his bed. Josh and Leo had had no idea why she suddenly broke down and subsequently refused to leave the hospital. They hadn't known, and she had been in no shape at the time to tell them that she had been in love with Toby since they had met in college.

She returned to the present when Toby pulled her to him and his scent washed over her. The smell of cigars and cologne had always calmed her nerves and she knew that her shampoo and perfume did the same for him. She had always felt safe when she was cradled in his arms like this and she felt herself starting to relax as sleep slowly reclaimed her.

Once she had fallen asleep Toby allowed himself to relax as well. Their talk had calmed him down but not quite enough to sleep. Instead he thought about all the times they had spent together and how much he loved her. Eventually he too allowed sleep to take him and they remained cradled in each other's arms until morning.


I hope everyone enjoyed the prologue chapter. The next chapters will retell the events of CJ and Toby's mutual past, the events leading up to Toby's attempted suicide and the recovery process that occured afterward.

Please review and tell me what you think.