Disclaimer: I own no parts or characters of "The West Wing" they are products of NBC as well as the shows' creators, writers, directors, ect...

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This is a rewrite of the first chapter told from CJ's POV rather than Toby's. It includes a flashback and her insight into the recent events.


It hurt and terrified her to see him cry. She had been so afraid when she had awoken to hear what she had thought was a soft sob. Her fears had immediately been confirmed when she rolled over and saw the tears slowly tracking down his face. Before she could stop herself instinct had taken over and she was wiping away the tears.

"Toby?" She had tried to keep the fear out of her voice and she had mostly succeeded but not quite. The next thing she knew he had cupped her hand in his and was talking to her.

"It's okay CJ, sweetheart I'm fine…" Before he could go any farther she had stopped him.

"No you aren't Toby, don't lie to me. God please don't lie to me." She had begged softly. "Please Toby talk to me don't shut me out." Her voice had risen slightly as she spoke and she had fought back against the panic that had been building in her chest since she had awoken to find him crying. The next thing she knew Toby had pulled her to him and was whispering gently in her ear as his hands rubbed small circles up and down her back. She felt so safe in his embrace and the gentle movement of his fingers had made her back loosen up a little.

"I'm so lucky to have you. God I was such an idiot for trying to throw it all away. I swear CJ, I don't want to ever hurt you again like I did before. You have to believe me. I just got lost in the memories, all the pain I caused everybody…" Good at least it wasn't something I don't know how to deal with. She had been so relieved as she had listened to him speak. She had known since the day Toby had woken up in the hospital with her by his side how guilty he had felt about hurting and scaring everyone. He had regretted it then and he regretted it even more now. Her thoughts returned to his words. "All the pain I caused you…" She had gently pulled back from him and placed a silencing finger to his lips. As he had spoken the panic that had gathered in her chest when she had found him crying had slowly dispersed and she had finally been able to speak again.

"It's okay Toby. You don't have to apologize again. I know how hard this has been for you and I'll be here to help. Now nod yes if you understand me and no if I have to repeat myself." He had nodded slightly and she had sighed in relief as she had removed her finger from his lips. "Good, now if you ever scare me like that again I'm going to hurt you myself." Her relief had grown even more as a small smile had tugged at the corners of his lips and he had started to joke with her.

"Understood, no scares, what-so-ever, for as long as I know you. I'll write myself a memo in the morning and get right on that." His words had brought a small smile to her face but she had quickly become serious again.

"Don't joke about this Toby. You scared me." For a second she had been afraid that he wouldn't make eye contact with her.

"I know" When he had finally looked at her she had felt relief. "I know you've heard enough apologies from me but I didn't intend to scare you." She had nodded gently. He tried she knew he tried and everyday he slowly got better about it.

"I know the memories are tough. I deal with them too." She had been glad that she didn't have to tell him about her nightmares anymore. There had been dozens of times over the last months when she had woken up with dreams of Toby lying in a hospital bed or in a pool of blood. The images of him had mingled with her memories of Josh after Rosslyn and she had tried and tried to not feel guilty about being more worried about Toby when she first saw him than she had been about Josh. Josh had been in surgery for over fourteen hours while Toby had only needed a few stitches to close the wounds on his wrists.

She loved Josh as a brother and the thought of loosing him after the shooting had torn her up inside but her initial reaction to Josh's condition had been nowhere near as severe as her reaction when she had seen Toby for the first time. The conflict had arisen because she had known Toby for years while she had only known Josh since he had worked on the campaign.

So many things had flooded through her mind when she had seen Toby for the first time. She had been unable to process it all and had ended up at the foot of Toby's bed in sobbing heap. She had been completely oblivious to Josh and Leo's shocked reaction as they stood in the entrance to the hospital room. All she could remember of that incident was the memories of her and Toby and how she had prayed desperately that he would be okay. The first memory had been of their first meeting and then every other good and bad time they had shared together had followed.

Flashback

She stepped out of her apartment into the warm California sunshine and slipped her sunglasses from their place on top of her head to their appropriate place protecting her eyes. With the glasses in place she had turned back to her apartment door and locked it. She had then turned and walked down the street toward the Berkley Campus. She really didn't have anything to do this evening since all her classes for the day were already over but she still wanted to get out of the house for a while. After a little bit of indecision she finally decided to go to a small coffee house that was within walking distance of her apartment.

It didn't take her long to reach the place and much to her relief she found it rather empty. There was a group of girls near the back at a small booth and a group of guys sitting near the bar. Aside from those two groups most of the tables were empty except for a few scattered individuals like her.

With a smirk she realized that she knew most of the people who were settled by themselves at the different tables. One girl, a theater and drama major, named Jessica was sitting at the bar with a steaming cup of coffee in front of her and a script in her hands. Another guy named Alex was sitting near the back with several medical research manuals sprawled on the table in front of him. A third girl named Rebecca sat near the front with her nose in a book about marketing and corporate business. A friend of her's named Jake had his feet propped up on the table in front of him and she could almost make out the sounds of the band he was listening to.

As she scanned the open tables she noticed a guy she hadn't seen before sitting at a table in one of the darker corners of the room. He intrigued her immediately and as she made her way over toward the empty tables around him she took the time to study him.

He wasn't like the other guys she saw in here. He was dressed in a black polo shirt and dark khakis and was reading intently from a rather thick book. As she got closer she was surprised to realize that it was a book she had actually read before, a rather complex book on political theory and legislative power to be exact.

She hadn't planned to actually approach him but sometime during the course of her inspection of him her body had overthrown her brain and she found herself standing in front of his table. He looked up at her and bookmarked the page of his book with his finger.

"Can I help you miss…" CJ had blushed slightly and stuck her hand out awkwardly.

"Claudia Jean Cregg, I just noticed that I had never seen you in here before and well my body overpowered my brain when it decided against my brain's better judgment that advised against walking over here and interrupting your reading. But since I'm already here and it was too late for my brain to take over I figured I would introduce myself." Her blush deepened as she realized that she had just rambled like an idiot to a complete stranger. "I apologize, I'll leave you alone." The guy had smirked at her and stood.

"No it's okay Claudia Jean Cregg. That is right isn't it? I'm glad you interrupted me. I get far too involved in my books sometimes and fail to associate with people from time to time. I've heard that doing such things are beneficial if one wants to be an effective member of society." He held out his hand. "Toby Ziegler" CJ had smiled at him and shook his hand.

"Nice to meet you Toby, yes it is Claudia Jean but call me CJ. Claudia Jean is a bit of a mouthful. I'm really sorry I bothered you. I'll leave now so you can get back to your reading." She turned to leave but Toby's voice stopped her.

"No it's okay really, here have a seat. Let's chat for a while. I'm new here and any friendly faces are welcome." Despite herself CJ had found herself sitting down and giving him a tentative smile. He had smiled back and flagged a waitress. They both ordered coffee and sat in silence until it finally came.

The return of the waitress with their orders and the fact that they had something to occupy their hands helped break the ice. The conversation started out slow but quickly blossomed into a lively discussion about Washington politics. By the end of the evening they had traded phone numbers and agreed to meet at the coffee house to have another political discussion as soon as they could.

She returned to the present when Toby pulled her to him and his scent washed over her. The smell of cigars and cologne had always calmed her nerves and she knew that her shampoo and perfume did the same for him. She had always felt safe when she was cradled in his arms. She had been so afraid when she had seen him laying in that hospital bed at GW that she would never smell his scent on her clothes or lie cradled in his embrace again. The idea of living without him as part of her life had terrified her and the sterile clean smell of the hospital had made her nauseous. Despite all that she had refused to leave his side until he had woken up.

Now she was here in his arms, like it should have been all along and she couldn't help but feel loved and safe as she slowly drifted back to sleep.


Second chapter down. I hope everyone enjoys it so far. More chapters will follow soon. They will contain flashbacks from different characters on different events but most of the events will be from either CJ or Toby's perspective.

Please be kind and review.