Numb
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I've become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
Ellie closed the door tightly behind her, slipped her house key into her coat pocket, and dumped her binder and backpack on the kitchen table. Between getting to the station late because of her therapy session and collision with Sean in the hallway it was beginning to be a tiring day mentally and physically. Pre- therapy days she would have collected her kit from under her bed and just scratched away some of the pressure of the day, but with recent events, it was kind of off the table. She pulled down her wrist warmer and looked at the damage from Sean pulling her to her feet and noticed the smear of dried blood on her skin but the wounds had started healing again. She tugged the wrist warmers back up and her sleeves back down.
"Mom?" she called out as she walked to the kitchen, only to be met with silence. Ellie sighed as she peeled off the blood-stained wrist warmers and washed off the dried blood in the sink. She was unphased by the sting of the warm water and soap against her cuts and gently dried them with a paper towel. She tugged open the fridge and settled on the leftovers from the night before and popped them into the mircowave while she walked into the living room to find her mom passed out on the couch. She shook her head lightly as she began picking clearing off the coffee table of scattered bottles of vodka and tucking them under her arm as she carried them to the kitchen and condensed them into one bottle and watered it down before placing it in the liquor cabinet. "She'll never notice," she thought to herself. She walked back into the living room and just looked at her mom.
Up until recently - Ellie never could understand why her mother never could keep it together while her father was gone. When she started cutting, she realized the sad fact that her and her mother were a little more alike than she'd wanted to believe. She broke from her thoughts and grabbed the blanket from the armchair and gently draped it over her mother and went back into the kitchen to start on her homework when she heard the mircowave buzz alive.
"Mom," Ellie tried calling out to her again as she gingerly grabbed the plates and set them on the kitchen island to cool for a moment. "Mom, dinner is ready."
Ellie heard Judy groan awake as Ellie walked into the living room with a plate and some silverware.
"Dinner," Ellie repeated.
Judy opened her eyes and looked at her daughter groggily." I'm not hungry Eleanor."
"Mom, you've got to eat."
"I'm NOT hungry," Judy grumbled Ellie tried to force her to sit up. "Don't touch me Eleanor -" and shoved Ellie away.
Ellie stumbled back and landed on the floor in front of the couch and looked up at her as she rolled over on the couch and wrapped the blanket around her. Ellie sat shocked on the floor and got to her feet quickly and rushed into the kitchen and stood at the sink. She started to steady her breathing and count to ten like Ms. Sauve had been suggesting, among other things. She was trying so hard to keep it all under control but she could feel herself shaking in a mix of frustration and anger as she glanced at a knife in the sink. "Five...six...seven..." Ellie counted to herself, and before she could reach ten she picked up the knife out of the sink and clutched it tightly. She just stared at it.
"Eight...nine...ten" She dropped the knife into the sink and watched as it bounced hard against the metal and turned on the cold tap and splashed her face with water to keep herself from crying out of frustration.
Sean kicked his feet up on the coffee table, his book bag settle beside him as he dug around in the seat cushions for the remote. He flicked on the tv and clicked through a few channels before settling on a car remodeling show and began digging into his bookbag for his homework. He knew he wasn't going to win any fights with Tracker when he came home if he wasn't at least playing the part. There was no doubt in his mind that Mr. Raditch had phoned his brother and told them about the meeting and about his detentions and his grades.
After a few minutes of attempting his English homework, he tossed the books next to him and shuffled to the fridge, grabbed a beer from the back, and slammed the door shut. Drinking seemed to calm him down. If he was being honest, he felt like it was the only thing that was consistently there for him and never let him down. People came and went, but alcohol never disappointed. He dropped his homework back into his lap and scribbled down a few answers here and there on his worksheet.
As he cruised through his homework and finished his beer he found his mind wandering. Specifically to thoughts of Ellie Nash. He had seen Tracker go through some thought times when he was younger. He remembered walking in on a teenage Tracker sitting on the bathroom floor with a razor blade to his arm. It wasn't a shock for his younger self but not that much when he recalled what else he'd seen growing up. He had seen his father beat his mother until she cowered in fear, bleeding as she cried and begged for him to stop. He'd seen his mother drink herself stupid to numb that pain. The Cameron family was well known for drowning their troubles in a six-pack, but Tracker was different - his addiction was to feeling his own pain on his terms.
"You know how Mom drinks after Dad hurts her." Tracker tried to explain to his younger brother. Sean nodded. "Well she's addicted, she can't stop, and I don't want to be like that."
"Is that why you hurt yourself?" Sean asked in a naive tone.
Tracker nodded.
"Does it hurt?"
"Only for a little bit, and then I feel better"
Sean hated to think of how it consumed Tracker as they grew up, the way he'd dress to hide his cuts; some nights he was terrified he'd go into the bathroom and find him bleeding out on the floor. When Tracker turned sixteen he moved out of the house and in with their grandparents - he came back a few years later, the cuts on his arm only visible through scars. A few months after that Sean moved in with Tracker and they went no contact with their parents. They moved, Sean got a fresh start and everything was supposed to be better.
"Why are you leaving?" Sean cried, tugging on Tracker's shirt as his brother slung a duffle bag with everything he owned in it over his shoulder.
"Because it hurts me more to stay here," Tracker cupped Sean's face and pulled him into a hug. "I'll come back for you."
"No, you won't."
Tracker could feel Sean's tears soaking into his t-shirt and broke up their hug, "I promise, I'll come back... I'm going to stay with Gamma and Pa."
Sean held up his pinky, and Tracker looped his around it, "I promise little brother, everything will be okay."
But everything hadn't been better when he left. Dad lost his job and they moved out of their house in Toronto and moved into the trailer park in Wasaga. When Dad finally did start working he was lucky if he made it to work on time and sober. Mom got a job at the local convenience store nights leaving Sean as the only one to get beat on. School was hard. Everything was hard. So it wasn't disbelief when Sean finally cracked on the one kid who was trying to be nice to him and deafened him in one ear.
But Ellie seemed different somehow. He wondered if she thought about things the same way he did, or if he felt like Tracker did about their relationship with their parents. He wondered if she also felt like she was struggling to be what they weren't for the people in our lives. Maybe she felt like a disappointment too. Maybe she felt like Sean did about all the people in his life that he disappointed.
Sean turned off the television and chucked his empty can into the recycling. He got back to his homework and decided to actually try, maybe he would do something right for once.
Ellie sat at the kitchen island struggling through her homework. For some crazy reason, she thought she'd be able to focus on her homework after the day she had. Between the awkward encounter in the hallway, the load of work she had at the station, and then her mother? It was turning out to be a splendid afternoon for geometry. She chewed on her pencil and broke out her protractor, and decided it might actually be more useful for it's intended purpose than it ever was in her cutting kit. She actually took a moment and chuckled to herself until she was crying when she realized how ridiculous it all was.
The phone rang out throughout the Nash home. Ellie hastily wiped her tears and rushed towards the phone.
"Answer the damn phone!" Judy called out. Ellie picked up the receiver and took a quick breath.
"Hello? Nash residence," she said.
"Ellie-girl is that you? It's Daddy" a deep voice on the other end said through the static of the base phone.
Ellie's face lit up. " Hi Daddy!" she said excitedly, "how are you? is everything okay?"
"Hey, everything fine, I'm just checking in," Greg said, "how are you? how's your mother?"
"I'm good." She began to nervously twirl her hair, it felt so comforting to hear her dad's voice on the other end, especially after the day that he had. She looked down at her arm littered with scars and cuts, "fine..."
"How's your mother, is she around?"
Ellie looked over at her mother who laid passed out on the couch, "uh she went grocery shopping, she'll be back soon I think."
"I don't have long, I'll be able to call her next week."
"Do you know when?" Ellie asked, "I'll try to make sure she's home." Ellie realized it would be more of a struggle to keep her sober than it would be to make sure she would be home, and that frustrated her. Her mother should want to be able to talk to him. "How are you?" she asked meekly.
"I'm good, staying out of trouble as promised," Greg said the static less noisy now. "You know... despite everything going on here, I think you'd find this place really beautiful Ellie, the people and the culture are something else."
Ellie smiled. The way he brought up where he was reminded her of when she was younger and they used to read travel books together. "Any important sites I need to see?" she asked.
"It's just beautiful El - so much history, and so much food."
Ellie laughed, "kebabs."
"So many kebabs Ellie." Greg laughed, "I must have tried everything."
Ellie laughed, "I miss you Daddy," she confessed.
There was silence on the other end for a moment, "I love you Ellie-girl," Greg said, "I'll be home soon. I have to go now, but I'll come home, I promise."
"Bye Daddy," she whispered into the receiver. Ellie waited until she heard a click on the other end.
She glanced over at her homework and realized shew as just going to have to cram in the last few problems in homeroom because after the day she had and then a phone call from her Dad, it wasn't getting done tonight. She grabbed her leather jacket and tossed it and patted her pockets to make sure her house keys were still where she left them and with one quick glance she checked on her mother who was still sleeping off her bender; out the door she went.
Ellie wasn't even sure where she was going - she just wanted to walk and clear her head. Maybe she'd go to the park and sit on the swings for a bit.
Author's Note: updated on 06-23-2020
