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Can't you see that you're smothering me
Holding too tightly afraid to lose control
Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take

Tracker fiddled with his keys in the door as he juggled his lunch cooler and the mail. It took him a moment to realize the door was unlocked - which he thought was weird considering Sean isn't usually home when he's getting off work. The sound of the television set hit him with a sense of relief as he realized they hadn't been robbed. "You're going to kill your hearing listening to the tv that loud," Tracker commented and saw Sean pop his head up from the couch.

"It helps me concentrate," Sean retorted.

Tracker looked at him funny as he walked through the living room and into the kitchen tossing his empty lunch cooler on the kitchen table. "You could have grabbed the mail on your way in, you know," Tracker suggested as he shook the envelopes at him. Sean just shrugged and went back to his homework, "you're actually doing homework?" he asked.

"Trying," Sean answered, tapping his pencil against his head.

"Anything to do with the phone call I got from Raditch today?"

"It's a possibility," Sean answered.

"Look, Sean-"

"I'm handling it Tracker," he answered.

Tracker nodded and sorted and opened the mail. He glanced at a few of the bills and dropped them on the table and reached into the refrigerator for a beer when he mounted them to himself and noticed there was one less than when he'd bought them. "I thought we talked about this."

"Talked about what?"

Tracker pointed to the former six-pack of beer on the barren shelf in the refrigerator.

"I got thirsty," Sean answered.

Tracker slammed the door shut, Sean could feel a lecture coming on. He knew how Tracker felt about him drinking. He knew how much he hated what it did to their parents - and he agreed. But they weren't their parents. Tracker rubbed the back of his neck and for a moment saw his father in Sean. A sober version. A clear-headed version that knew his limits and Tracker wondered for a moment if he could trust him to control himself or keep babying him in hopes that he doesn't carry the gene that makes them susceptible to addiction. He just sighed. "I just wish you wouldn't," he said after a moment of contemplation. "You're young, you know what it does to people in our family."

Sean looked down. He knew he could say something, utter back an argument that his cutting was just as bad; he could already see the disappointment on Tracker's face and that was enough. "You're home early."

"You're on time," Tracker answered.

Sean shrugged and slunk down into the empty chair at the kitchen table as his stomach growled loud enough to wake a bear. Tracker picked up the cordless phone and dialed a number he knew by heart. "Yea Josh, it's Tracker - can I get the usual? - Thanks, I'll see you in thirty."

"Pizza for breakfast lunch and dinner," Sean said blandly.

"You know in America Pizza is considered a vegetable."

Sean snorted, "and where did you learn that fun fact."

"CNN." Tracker sat down and began going through the bills. "You want to tell me about the meeting with Raditch?"

"Not really," Sean answered, checking the mail aimlessly as he looked for anything with his name on it.

"I would rather hear it from you than from your principal."

Sean groaned, "just that I'm falling behind again, doesn't like the crowd I hang out with, blah blah blah."

"You think all this has anything to do with you and Emma breaking up?"

"Emma has nothing to do with it," he lied. He didn't want to admit that he fell in with Jay to get back at Emma. The stealing. The trouble. The whole shebang.

"You were doing well when you -"

"Can you drop it, Emma and I just weren't right for each other-" he looked down and began to run his finger along the grain of the kitchen table, "was just a disappointment."

"And that's a good reason for these new delinquents you're hanging out with?" he asked. "I remember what it was like I picked you up in Wasaga -I remember what your probation worker said. I don't want you making the same mistakes again."

Sean snorted, "At least they care about me."

"I care about you."

"I call bull shit on that Tracker," Sean was angry. "You think you're better than me? You didn't graduate high school either!"

"But you can!" Tracker tried to reason with him, showing him he was on his side. But he wasn't listening, he was just ranting. Tracker hoped when he got to the end of this argument that Sean will have heard him.

"Yes I can," Sean argued, "I'm going to be the first one."

"Good."

"Just because I'm here instead of in Wasaga doesn't mean you can tell me who to hang out with, what to think, or how to dress."

Tracker nodded, "I get it, Sean."

"No, you don't." Sean was red in the face, "I'm tired of trying to be who you want me to be!" he slammed his fists on the table and stood up quickly, the chair he'd been sitting on flying backward. "I'm going to do this my way!"

Tracker just sat and watched his little brother kick the chair out of his way, open the back door and walk out into the night. The door slammed loudly behind him as his hooded figure walked off into the dark. He laid his head down on the table and massaged his temples with his fingertips. "I want him to be better than what I want for him," he thought to himself. "He's falling apart," he said softly aloud. It was stuff like this, petty fights, with his feeling of uselessness in his family, and the utter despair that bloodied up his arm in the past. He swallowed it all. He grabbed the beer out of the fridge and began to pour it down the sink one by one. He figured if Sean wasn't going to make the right choice when it came to the poison that wreaked havoc on his family than he would make that decision for him. He wouldn't get it in this house.


Ellie sat on the swings, drawing in the dirt with her shoes. Part of wish she could have just called Ms. Sauve and poured out everything that was weighing on her head and heart, and she wondered if it could wait until their next session. She didn't want to admit it but sometimes talking some things out helped. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw a figure walking angrily towards the park. As the figure got closer she recognized it was Sean and hopped off the swing; carefully following.

When she'd gotten close enough she gently placed her hand on his shoulder and Sean spun around grabbing her by the wrist tightly before seeing the look of confusion and fear in her eyes and dropping it. He pulled his headphones down, "Ellie?" he asked, "Are you okay?" He rubbed the back of his neck in embarrassment, trying not to look her in the eye.

Ellie took a long cleansing breath, "I'm alright, are you okay?"

"Yea," he shook his head, "I just thought you were my brother, we had a fight." Ellie nodded as she looked to her arm to make sure her cuts didn't reopen again, "I made that worse again didn't I?"

Ellie shook her head, her wounds were just a bit red and inflamed; she tugged her sleeves back down, "it's alright," nothing that can't be fixed.

"Good," he muttered, "What are you doing out here?"

"Ellie just avoided eye contact, "just taking a break," she paused, "it's been a weird day."

Sean laughed, "I guess you could say that." He watched as she nervously shifted on her feet from side to side; naturally protecting her wrists by holding her sleeves down. "You know-" he started, "it gets easier," and motioned towards her arm.

"And what would you know?" she asked calmly, trying not to sound snotty.

"I know how it feels to crave something to make everything feel better," Sean began, "my brother used to cut."

"Used to?" she asked.

"Hasn't since we moved here anyway," Sean explained, "he was gone a lot when I was little; he came home one day at just the right time to take me away from our parents."

Ellie looked at him, wondering if she should ask him. Was it appropriate? Was it prying?

Sean could see the wheels turning in her head, "my parents are alcoholics."

Ellie nodded, "my mom," she confessed to the first person without even realizing it. "I don't think I've told anyone about her - I just -"

"Feel comfortable talking to you?" he asked.

Ellie nodded, "exactly," she confirmed.

"I feel like I'm eventually just going to end up following the same path - addicted to something," he explained.

"And everyone wants you to be a certain way?"

Sean was actually excited to have someone get it, "right?! We can't all be perfect," he said. "I mean you should have heard Raditch today in his office."

"We can't all be the same," she agreed.

"Why can't we all just be who we want to be?" he muttered.

Ellie shrugged. "And they wonder what's wrong with the youth these days," she said with a smirk.

Sean began walking towards the swings again and motioned for her to sit.

"It's like they want to erase the word individuality from the dictionary," she said as she sat on the swings again and Sean stood behind her and gently pushed.

Sean laughed, "you think too much."

"No one can think too much."

Sean snorted, "You don't know Emma," he said, "Emma thinks she can save the world."

Ellie laughed, "she's strong-willed, you've gotta respect that."

Sean shrugged as he continued to push her higher and higher, "I guess, she just seemed to care more about anything than me; always butting into other people's business to give her two cents; always criticizing that I was never supportive of her projects," he was zoning out thinking about it, "after a while - it was just another page in the book against Sean."

"Wow," Ellie said amused, "a whole book already? Try a whole series"

Sean glared and stopped pushing. "Who could possibly be against you?" Sean asked.

"I could ask the same thing, you're brother seems to love you - you have a home."

"And you don't?"

"I have a mom who is too drunk to even notice I've probably left the house, and my dad is on another deployment to the middle east for peace, I'm always alone."

Sean was silent for a moment, he didn't know how to respond as he remembered what it was like to have a negligent mother. "You have a father who cares."

"Who isn't here, where I need him," Ellie answered as the swing finally stopped moving and she dragged her feet in the dirt. Sean sat on the next swing and finally got to the look of feeling lost on her face. Every time he would see her in the halls she seemed to be happy, a smile on her face. She was always with Ashley and Craig or Marco. "The only person who even seemed to notice I was hurting myself was Paige, and strangely enough the only person that seemed to care enough to do anything about it, I don't even know why."

Sean began to pump his legs on the swing, "Tracker works all the time, the fridge is usually empty and sometimes the power goes out."

Ellie had to wonder if they were starting to compete in their problems, she didn't really want to. She hated the idea of trying to one-up someone else's problems. "Being a teenager sucks," she finally said and kicked off and began to pump her legs. She looked over at Sean who was seemed to be realizing they were in a race to swing over the top of the swing set. Ellie suddenly launched forward; releasing herself from her seat and landed on her knees in some fresh mulch and just laughed.

Sean skidded to a stop with his feet and rushed over to check on her, and suddenly found her rolling over and laughing until she cried. "Are you okay?" he asked.

Ellie nodded, her tears of laughter began tears of sadness as she thought about her dad, "I just don't understand why he left," she said as teared rolled down her cheeks, "he always leaves."

Sean didn't know what to do, girls didn't confide in him like this. Emma kept her problems private despite her need to insert herself into everyone else's. Emma had never cried in front of him before, in fact Emma almost seemed to swallow whatever sadness she had and put on a brave face. He reached forward and brushed away Ellie's tears with the pad of his thumbs and Ellie just looked at him.

Sean shrugged and stood up. "Come on," he said and offered his hand, and she gladly accepted. "Tracker ordered pizza, there's always too much."

Ellie was raised to her feet by Sean's hand and she quickly fixed her smudging eye liner, "sorry," she muttered, "does it looked like I've been crying?"

Sean shook his head. "But your leggings are torn," he pointed down at her knees. She looked down and saw the dirty brush burn on her knees from when she jumped off the swing set.

She shrugged, "no big deal."

Sean smiled and led Ellie back to his house. He wasn't sure what Tracker was going to say, but quite frankly he didn't care. He liked Ellie, she was easy to talk to. And she seemed to find him easy to talk to as well. Maybe they could help each other and maybe Tracker would be happy to have him bring someone over other than Jay and the gang.

"So -" Sean asked, "what do you remember about Kwan's Flowers for Algernon assignment because I really don't get this book."

Ellie laughed, "really?" she asked. She looked at Sean and saw a serious look on his face, "Okay so you've got Charlie - he's-"

"Retarded."

Ellie glared at him, "didn't realize we were still using demeaning terms for people with special needs."

Sean shrugged, "habit."

"A lame one," she muttered, "anyways Charlie is chosen to be a human test subject for a procedure that would increase his IQ and it works." She looked over Sean making sure he was following along, "and they give him Algernon, a mouse who has also undergone the same procedure. Over time he realizes that people who he used to interact with resent him because of his intelligence and only liked him before because he was an easy target, and even the scientists who performed the experiment don't even consider him human, but just a test subject like Algernon."

"That's fucked up."

"I know," Ellie said, "and he starts drinking - and when he's not he goes over the research on his procedure and he realizes there's a flaw."

"What do you mean?"

"It's not confirmed until he noticed Algernon's intelligence and health start declining - and then Algernon dies."

"So Charlie dies."

"It's not clear, but it seems that's where it's heading; he starts to repair relationships with family and eventually ends up in an institution and his last wish is for someone to place flowers on Algernon's grave in his old backyard."

"Dude."

"I know," she said, "there's a movie if you didn't want to read it all," she joked.

"I read it, I just didn't really get it."

Ellie nodded, "the movie was good, though," she explained, "it's easier to follow than the book because they kind of write it from Charlie's point of view which changes as his intelligence rises and falls again."

"That actually explains a lot."

"So what made you ask that?"

"I actually tried to do my homework," Sean said hanging his head.

Ellie laughed, "well glad I could help," she thought for a moment, "I don't suppose you know anything about geometry?"

Sean brought his head up and smiled, "actually math is something I actually get."

Author's Note: updated 06-26-2020