Cherry Blossoms of White Death
Author's Note : This chapter really points out how bitter and angry Sesshoumaru is about being deaf. I really tried my best to make the reader understand his strong feelings toward everything in his life, in general. I hope you can feel his rage! (evil laughter) I'm trying my best to keep both of them in character the best I can. Although, at times, it sort of becomes frustrating trying to do it. Anyway, this chapter also reveals how Sesshoumaru becomes deaf and why he blames Inuyasha. I know the way it happens couldn't effect someone to be deaf, but I couldn't think of anything else. Also, I'm thinking I might change the rating to 'R' very soon. I feel like I have to really put the language on somewhat of a hold back with the rating. Although, there is quite a bit in the story, already. This chapter is also a lot longer the previous ones. It's a way to say thank you for reviewing! Also, to answer StyleK's question: Some of the words are past or future experiences of the ghost. Others are just what the sprit is transferring into Sesshoumaru's mind or saying. I hope that makes sense? Oh, and I didn't really have time to read over the story so sorry for misspelling and punctuation errors. Thank you all for reviewing and giving me more then ten reviews! I feel so happy.
Chapter Five - Mask
" Don't go... stay with me... "
For some strange reason, I just couldn't bring myself to leave the bathroom. I just couldn't summon up the courage I needed to even get close to the door way. I felt trapped, like a caged animal. Desperate, hungry, tired of waiting for the day I would finally be released back into the wild. If that day ever came, that is. I needed my freedom.
The longer I stayed stuck in the emptiness of the room, the worse it got. I couldn't stand it. It was torture. The fear. The confusion. The loneliness. The throbbing of my head. The image of the woman. I could still feel the invisible hands crushing down upon my neck. I shuttered at the feeling before taking in a deep breath of air. I was sick of standing there, so I slumped down onto the floor. The clammy tile brushed up against my bare skin, sending chills throughout my entire body but I ignored it. I would just block out the coldness, much like the very way I did with my younger brother, Inuyasha.
I didn't understand what was going on with me, anymore. And I knew it was useless to try and figure out something I didn't understand to begin with. I took another deep breath still trying to calm myself down. I wasn't crazy. I found it quite amusing how many times I kept telling myself that. Would it bring me some sort of comfort? Of course not. Nothing could. I was alone, like always. Once again, I was forced back into learning how to survive and work out my problems on my own. I needed no one. Yet, I wanted to tell someone; anyone that would listen to me. But I couldn't because I knew they wouldn't understand. No one ever did. No one even wanted to understand why I had made such a big deal out of being deaf. They tried to tell me it wasn't that bad. That I would be okay. But that was not the case, it would never be. I couldn't hear! The world I was born to, you know, the one I used to hear had been forever silenced! How the fuck was I supposed to find that okay! Did they think I would just forget about the way everything sounded! Forgot I had ever heard at all. If I truly was meant to be deaf in this lifetime, then I would have been more then happy to have been born that way. I envied people who were born with no sound. People who are borne deaf never know how truly great it is to hear. They aren't missing out on something they never had to begin with. Me, on the other hand, I knew. I had, had a taste of what it was like, only to be denied the flavor of it forever.
I hesitated for a short time before forcing myself to stop from continuing on. I didn't need to go any further into such a sore subject. I had to stop while I was ahead. Stop before I beat myself up over it because I could do nothing else about it. I was being rash, like usual. I hated that side of me, always throwing a temper tantrum. Acting as a impudent child, not as a adult. Yet, as bad as I hated doing it, I couldn't make myself stop. I had too many issues inside of me that lied at fault. Issues within me that ran deep like the Nile River. Problems that would never be fixed. Wounds that would never be healed. They were all scars that tainted my skin making me feel ugly. Within and out. They would never go away.
My mind was only becoming more jumbled and I had this feeling like I was lost. Almost like the batteries to my flashlight were beginning to go dead and the dim lighting was starting to flickering on and off. It was only a matter of time before I would be trapped in eternal darkness.
I looked up from my crumbled form on the tile ground immediantly locking eyes with Inuyasha's own amber orbs. He stood in the door way looking back at me, a confused expression upon his face. I stared back at him with my usual blank mask. Why was he looking at me in such a way? Then the answer to my question hit me. Of course, I realized it now, and I didn't blame him. I would have looked at him in the same manner if he was in my position. He probably thought I had finally lost my mind. After all, it was in the dead of morning and here I was still sitting down on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a towel. Maybe he was right. Maybe I had lost my mind. "What do you want?" I asked him, breaking the stare between us and shifting my eyes to his lips, waiting intently for his reply.
"I thought I heard something." He said, taking a few small steps inside the bathroom, leaving the very door way, I had recently come to fear. When I did not respond back he took more steps inside before leaning his back against the wall. Showing me his lack of posture. Was he settling in? Did he think I would allow him to stay in my territory? I think not. Yet, as possessive as I was I didn't want him to leave. I didn't want to be alone, anymore. So I decided to say nothing. Nothing because I simply could not talk to him without treating him like the idiot he was.
When neither one of us said anything he spoke again. "What are you up to, anyway?" I could just hear the curiosity creeping into his voice as he asked the question. Even if I couldn't hear it, I knew it was there. "I could ask you the same, Inuyasha."
"Isn't it obvious? I said I heard something! Don't you ever listen?" He exclaimed, his eyes brewed at me with suspicion. Almost, as if, he thought I was up to something. Perhaps, something to trick him? Or maybe even scare him? Maybe I would but then again he wasn't worth the effort.
I looked away from him, frowning. I couldn't help but be annoyed at myself for wanting his company. I really couldn't stand him. Even if he was my twin. He was, clearly, not worthy to call me his blood. So, I quickly came back to my senses. Realizing my distaste for him outweighed my want for him to stay. I decided then, that I wanted him out, away from me. I'd rather be alone then deal with his ignorance. I turned my head back toward him, narrowing my icy orbs onto him. "If that is all, leave." I said, dryly. Taking now as my chance to leave the bathroom. I pushed myself up with my hands, standing on my bare feet, not bothering to look at him. I would just ignore him, pretend he wasn't there. That was the only way he could be properly dealt with. Yet, as bad, as I hated him somewhere within me, I wanted to thank him, tell him he wasn't as useless as I usually regarded him as. He had helped me get past the door way, after all. Thanks to his nosiness I had finally made it out of the bathroom! Freedom, at last! But before I could further my enjoyment I felt a hand mold against my naked shoulder.
I spun around quickly, facing whoever it was that had invaded my personal space. Inuyasha's close face greeted me. He rolled his eyes at my response to his actions. The very actions that had me somewhat taken back. Who did he think he was? Touching me, as if I had granted him permission to do so. "Release me." I ordered, firmly pulling myself away from him and almost colliding with the wall. "Would you just hold still!" He shouted, grabbing onto my shoulder again only this time he wasn't nearly as delicate. I felt the rumble forming in my vocal cords. I was growling, but I let his hand rest on my shoulder. I had no clue why, I would allow such, but I did and I was not very happy with myself for it.
"The back of your head is bleeding." He confirmed, looking at me with a very serious expression. Like he was actually worried. Like he actually cared, but that idea itself was a foolish one. "If it is. What of it? It is no concern of you." I yanked away from his grasp, taking a step backwards, away from him. "Damnit, Sesshoumaru!" He cursed, giving me a look of fury. "I just want to see!" I stared at him for a moment, taking the words in consideration. Perhaps, I would allow him, but only for my sake, not his.
"Fine." I grumbled, turning my back to face him. He stepped up close behind me, so close I could feel him breathing. He stood like that for a second before I felt him run his hands against my wet hair.
After a few moments of examining my head, Inuyasha moved infront of me so I could see what he had to say to me. "It's just a cut. Nothing serious."
"Is that so?" I said, sarcasticly. He ignored my comment and responded with one of his own. "Mind explaining what the hell you were doing?" I should have known this question would come sooner or later. Unfortunately, it wasn't later. "It is not your place to question what I do." I told him, annoyed. I brushed past him and took a seat on my bed. I could feel his eyes following my every move. "Psht. Fine. I don't give a damn about what you did, anyway." Who was he kidding? He knew he was about to go nuts from wondering. He was foolish to pretend, when by now, he should know that I could read him like a book. A disappointing, little book I left in the back of the shelf because I hated looking at it. "Then, I see no reason for you to stay. Get out." I moved my mouth to the words because I was sick of having to waste my time talking to him. If I had to stay another second with him in my presence I was sure I'd end up strangling him. He just looked stupid. "Fine by me." He growled, giving me a scornful look before stomping out of the room. I had pissed him off and I felt good about it. Proud I was able to effect him in such a way. Upon thinking about that, my lips curled up in a small smile. Surely, that couldn't be the only thing that brought fourth my joy. I shrugged, pondering the question before giving up and falling back into the warmth of my bed. The smile still remained on my face.
I laid there like that for a while before I felt increasingly lightheaded. The room around me began to dance like candlelight and in the haziness of my state I felt myself disappearing. Fading away from the world I had grown so accustomed to hating. Slowly, I was forgetting everything I knew. I was forgetting every little detail. Every little indent I had made. I couldn't even remember my name. Who I was, my life, my world? The only thing that I could hold on to was a single memory. One that I had kept locked up inside of me for a very long time.
Winter of 94'
Sesshoumaru chased after his younger twin, Inuyasha. His heart was pumping so fast, it was making him dizzy and weak. His vision was blurry and the longer he ran the more lashes he got from stumbling into thorny branches and vines. His clothing was soaked from falling down in wet snow and his face was covered in little, bleeding cuts. He had been running for what seemed like such a long time; way too much for him. He thought his lungs would burst at any moment if he ran much further.
It was early dawn and the sun was slowly beginning to peak from behind the horizon. The air was cold and the wind hadn't stopped blowing since the instance they had risen from bed. The snow had began to pour down from the cloudy heavens more rapidly, but that didn't stop the twins from going outside. It only made them more eager to do so.
Inuyasha had been so cheerful before, telling Sesshoumaru he had found a secret lake out in the woods. One that only they would know about. 'I want you to see it!' he had proudly announced jumping up from his cozy bed and beginning to put on his jacket, preparing to go outside. 'Shouldn't we tell someone where we are going?' Sesshoumaru had questioned, tugging his covers against his body. 'Of course not! Then, it wouldn't be a secret!'
'Okay' Sesshoumaru had agreed, following after his twin, wanting to see the lake for himself. But that desire had gone away and the only thing that replaced it was struggling to keep up with his overly excited younger brother.
"Inuyasha!" Sesshoumaru cried out, tripping over a overgrown root that loomed in his path. "Please, wait!" He shouted, pushing his small body up from his fourth fall that morning. "Inuyasha!" He repeated yelling louder this time. "Hurry up!" Sesshoumaru heard his brother's voice echo out from up ahead. "Hold on, please! I can't run that fast!" Sesshoumaru begged, never once giving up or slowing down to catch his breath. "Please, stop!" Sesshoumaru shouted again, trying to reach Inuyasha one last time. "I'm going to leave you behind!" The little voice taunted. Sesshoumaru could feel the warm tears trickling down from his amber eyes. He was scared, he didn't want to be left behind, lost in darkness of the woods. He thought maybe if he cried harder Inuyasha would come back for him, but he didn't come back. "Inu...ya...sh...a..." Sesshoumaru muttered through gasps of air, slowing his pace only to trip again. He fell hard to the forest ground not bothering to get back up right away, like he had done before. Sesshoumaru couldn't catch up with his twin because Inuyasha wouldn't slow down. He sobbed more, rubbing his eyes because they were beginning to bother him.
"Sesshoumaru, come on!" The small voice called out, sounding closer then before. Sesshoumaru arose from the snow forcing himself to journey on to meet his twin at their secret lake.
After a while of being in nothing but forest a lake came into view and so did Inuyasha. "Inuyasha!" Sesshoumaru cried out, rushing forward before collapsing in front of his twin. Inuyasha put his hand out for his older brother, pulling him up from his knees. "Look, Sess! This is it. This is what I wanted you to see! Isn't it cool?"
Sesshoumaru looked out into the area of water realizing it was frozen with ice. "It's frozen. That means we can walk on it." Inuyasha stated proudly, releasing his twin's hand and stepping onto the frozen lake. When Sesshoumaru made no attempt to follow after his younger twin, Inuyasha turned around giving Sesshoumaru a look that urged him to come along. Sesshoumaru bit down on his lip nervously before shaking his head no. "Inuyasha, let's go back. I don't think it's safe."
"Don't be such a baby! Of course it's safe. Look! I'm walking on it right now!"
"But.."
"Come on!"
"Okay." Sesshoumaru said, placing his shaky legs on the frozen ice. A unsure look upon his youthful face. "Just don't go to far." He told his twin, following as close behind Inuyasha as he could, yet he still couldn't keep up. He kept falling behind. "Wait." Sesshoumaru pleaded, trying to speed up but slid in the process.
"Give me your hand." Inuyasha replied, turning toward Sesshoumaru, outstretching his right arm. Sesshoumaru gave a little nod before taking a large step forward, trying to reach Inuyasha's side as fast as his legs could take him. As he moved forward a cracking sound arose from beneath the frozen lake. The ice started to crack around Sesshoumaru's body before it totally gave away. "Inuyasha!" He shrieked before sinking down into the icy abyss. "Sesshoumaru!" Inuyasha screamed dashing toward the area where his brother once stood. He slid forward on the ice barley able to catch himself from falling into the freezing water. "Sesshoumaru!" Inuyasha cried out again, plunging his hands down into the arctic water. Sesshoumaru latched onto his twin's arms, clinging on for dear life. Inuyasha yanked Sesshoumaru up with all his strength, pulling him up into his arms, embracing him, trying to wrap as much warmth as he could onto his older brother. "Sesshoumaru, I was so scared. I thought I was going to loose you!"
"Inuyasha!"
"Inuyasha!"
Inuyasha looked down at his brother, moving his head down to where he was face to face with Sesshoumaru's. "Come on, let's go!"
"What!"
"Let's go!" Inuyasha repeated, pulling Sesshoumaru up against him with both of his hands. Sesshomaru clung to his brother's body, shaking and beginning to cry hysterically. When Inuyasha went to move Sesshoumaru stood grounded. "Sesshoumaru, we need to leave, now!" Inuyasha tugged on his brother's coat, forcefully trying to pull him along. "Inu...yasha, pl...ease, I...I...I'm s...cared!"
"We can't stay here, come on, stick with me and we'll make it out, I promise!" Inuyasha exclaimed, beginning to walk off again but Sesshoumaru wouldn't budge. Instead, he cried harder.
"I...don'...t...wa...nt...to...b...e...alo...ne! Ple...ase, d...o...n't leave me, aga...in!"
"I'm not going to leave you! Sesshoumaru, come on!" Sesshoumaru took a few steps forward, tightening his grip on Inuyasha's coat. "Come on."
"Inu...yasha!"
"I... I... can't he..ar...any...th...ing!" Inuyasha looked at his brother.
The scene stopped playing almost as if someone had put it on pause. A unknown image of a person who, at that time, only formed a shadow across the screen. The shadow emerged from the darkness of the forest, creeping out a little ways, only to finally become unmasked. There Sesshoumaru stood, in his sullen form, only to be bathed by the dim lighting of the gloomy sky. An angry expression loomed upon his face and in his eyes hot tears began to cloud his vision. Without meaning to, Sesshoumaru wrapped his arms against his body. It was the only way he knew how to seek comfort in himself. The once playing memory flashed in front of him one final time before it started to fade away as quickly as it had surfaced from his mind.
"You left me behind, yet you did not.
I am thankful, yet my only wish now,
is that, you would have left me to drown.
I was so pathetic back then, but even now,
I am even more pathetic. At least, back then,
I had faith. Faith in you. Now, I have none."
"I have nothing."
Nothing...
"I have nobody."
Nobody...
"Not even myself."
Myself?
I tried to jerk up from bed but I couldn't move. I blinked my eyes a few times thinking I might still be stuck in that awful dream. A dream that was once my tragic reality, but I realized I was wide awake. I was no longer sleeping and I was aware of what was going on around me. There was no question about it, if I was dreaming or not. My body was not responding to the commands to make it move. I forced myself to move up and rise from bed but I couldn't. I was paralyzed and the only thing that seemed to work properly was the fear that was taking over my entire self. My body was worthless, now. 'What is this? Why can't I move? ' I struggled to move up again but nothing happened, and before long a intense pressure had begun to flow in my chest. I uttered a groan of discomfort secretly wondering if it was even audible. But that was useless to wonder.
'Move! Move! Damnit, move! ' I screamed out loud, but the words wouldn't come from my mouth. They only came as thoughts. I could do nothing. The pressure shot from out of my chest and started to trickle throughout my whole body. I could feel my breathing slow down to a near stop before I noticed my body was being pressed down into the mattress. I glanced around my room thinking I might see someone who could help me. Or maybe whoever was causing this?
Then, I finally understood. I was having a suffocating nightmare.
The fear decreased somewhat as a sign of relief, but it did not entirely go away. I was having to drive myself as hard as I could to remember to breathe. I felt like I was dying, breathing my last breath. How much longer would this go on before it stopped and I could move again?
In the corner of my eye, I saw something move. I turned what little of my full attention I had left onto the figure who was walking toward me. I soon noticed it was Inuyasha. "Sesshoumaru?" I saw his mouth move in the motion of my name. 'Inuyasha! ' I cried out but once again it was only a thought of what I wanted to reply. I couldn't even move my lips for him to see what I was trying to say. 'Inuyasha! '
"Hey, are you okay?"
'Don't be a idiot! Of course I'm not! '
"Sesshoumaru?" He reached his hand out to touch me and upon the contact, a image flashed in front of me.
(A/N:) Sorry to cut it off there, I really wanted to go on, but I all of the sudden I don't feel good. Plus, I wanted to get the chapter up before nine. I'm sorry for the evil cliffy I just put up, but you will have to wait! I'll write another chapter when I get around to doing it. Also, please notice, it will be posted sooner if I get a lot more reviews! Okay, take care and please review!
