Numb
And I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you
Sean tugged his black beanie down over his ears and shoved his hands deep into his pockets and walked home from dropping Ellie off. He found him lost in thoughts about her. He'd never really seen a girl cry - and there were moments when he thought she would have. There were moments the night before when he was pretty sure she had seen him suppress the same feeling. He had never known how close Tracker had come to killing himself when he still lived with them and his parents. And he had to wonder if it would have been on purpose or an accident because he couldn't control his cutting anymore. He tried to shrug off his thoughts but just couldn't shake his thoughts about Ellie. The chilly night air made him shiver as he passed houses he used to remember visiting with Emma. There had been many a day spent wasted crusading from house to house to save the rainforest handing out pamphlets, which he thought was ironic because of the paper. He remembered seeing the look on people's faces as they answered the door, they didn't care and were probably going to toss the pamphlets into the trash after Emma left. But he did it for her. He snorted - he did a lot of things for her, only to feel like Emma didn't care at all.
"Cameron," a figure muttered happily as it jumped alongside Sean.
Sean smirked in the darkness, "Hey Jay," he responded as he continued his pace on his walk home.
"Where are you off to so quickly?" Jay asked.
"Home."
Jay nodded, "okay, okay, - we still down for tomorrow night."
"Change of plans," Sean said, he remembered that Ellie had provided him with an alibi, he could have said yes - but something seemed to stop him.
"What kind of change?" Jay asked disappointed.
"Got to study," he laughed to himself.
"You're kiddin' me right?" Jay asked laughing along with him.
"Unfortunately not, Tracker won't let me out of the house on a school night -"
"Sneak out."
"I'm on thin ice right now between Radich and my brother -" Sean argued, "let's not push it, besides - I'm going over to a friend's house to study," he said, seeming to bounce lightly in his step on the last word.
Jay laughed, " female friend?" he nudged and winked.
Sean rolled his eyes.
"So who is it?" Jay begged as they turned down Sean's street.
"No one you know"
"So you broke things off with Amy?"
Sean shrugged. "Amy broke things off with me, remember?" he shook his head, "besides she's not really my type."
" What? Doesn't save enough animals for your taste?"
Sean rolled his eyes. Jay was really getting on his nerves tonight.
Jay, too, noticed the tenseness between him and Sean and laid off him a bit. "Wanna come over for a little bit for something to chill you out a bit? Your attitude is giving me a headache." Sean thought about declining, but he was still sore from his fight with Tracker earlier even though his run-in with Ellie had diffused tensions for a short while. He was stressed, and a little drink wouldn't hurt.
"Sure- just a beer, Tracker will be suspicious if I'm home too late."
They walked to Jay's house - which was empty per usual; his dad and stepmom were usually going on work trips. Entering into the house he realized how cold and empty Jays' place was. There was some kind of warmth missing that even Sean had at his home with Tracker. But then again it explained a lot about Jay's personality. Jay was what happens when you leave a child to their own devices to entertain themselves. Leading Sean into the kitchen he flicked on a light switch and the cold kitchen warmed up slightly. Jay grabbed some shot glasses from the cabinet and a bottle of tequila from the counter and poured him a shot. That shot turned into another, and then another, and before Sean knew it the room was spinning slightly. And time had passed so quickly he didn't even remember when Jay turned on the radio that was blasting rap music with a bass line starting to give him a headache, "want another?" Jay asked. He began to pour another shot that overflowed onto the counter as Sean shook his head cutting him off.
"Nah, I gotta go home," Sean said slowly trying not to slur his speech.
"Noooo," Jay said grabbing him by the shoulder, but it was a terrible grab and both Jay and Sean fell to the ground, "you can't leave me alone," Jay pouted.
"No I gotta go," Sean said struggling to get to his feet and taking a few deep breathes to sober up enough to walk a few more blocks home.
"See you at school, loser" Jay slurred and sadly down the shot he had poured for Sean.
Sean struggled mentally to get his head straight to make it home, but doing that had made the world around him spin as he stumbled to the door and let himself out. The night seemed darker and colder as he staggered don't he sidewalk towards his house; leaning on random stop signs and lamposts for balance before he stumbled up to his own front door.
" Where have you been?" Tracker asked worriedly.
Sean distorted his face as he tried to think of an answer, "I made a pit stop," he said laughing to himself; finding something funny in the word pit stop. He watched as Tracker raised a hand to his own face and just drowned himself in his palm, "You are sooooo" Sean slurred, "uptight," and threw an arm around Tracker's shoulders.
Tracker took all of Sean's weight and began to lead him to the bathroom. Sean was struggling to use his feet and Tracker was almost dragging him to the toilet. "Track-" he said.
"Yea, bud?" Tracker looked down at his little brother.
"I don't feel so -" Tracker had barely made it into the bathroom with Sean when Sean fell to his knees in front of the toilet and began to vomit. Tracker leaned against the sink as the sounds of SEan emptying his stomach echoed through the tiled walls fo the bathroom. Tracker felt like a disappointment to his little brother - this was the one thing he didn't want for Sean; to start that slow downward spiral into what their parents became.
Sean's face barely receded out of the toilet bowl when he raised an arm, and flushed the toilet, and grabbed some toilet paper to wipe his mouth. He looked pale as beads of sweat began to form on his forehead," come on," Tracker said helping him to his feet, "shower time," he muttered and helped Sean pull off his hoodie as he kicked off his shoes. It reminded Tracker of when Sean was a baby and he helped his little brother get ready for bed because their dad was gone, and their mother was passed out on the couch.
At this moment, it was the first time Sean had listened to Tracker in weeks. Tracker left him alone in the bathroom as he climbed into the shower. He turned on the taps and the water sprayed at him hard and cold. Sean sobered up quickly at the frigid temperature and fell into the water a bit more as the water warmed up and slowly began to surround him in a steamy mist. It seemed to wash away the feeling of Tequila out of his head. By the time he wrapped a towel around his body he had a mild understanding of why Tracker was so hard on him about the drinking.
Ellie tapped her pencil against her desk as Mr. Armstrong droned on about proofs and complementary angles of some sort. She wasn't quite sure; she had stopped paying attention long ago. The day was pushing by quickly, almost as if she were looking forward to something she had no idea what she felt that way. She laughed to herself, again not quite sure why. She was just in a positive, uplifting mood.
"Was there something about complementary angles you found funny Miss Nash?" Mr. Armstrong asked.
Ellie looked up and shook her head with a smile. He looked at her and then returned to his lesson. Ellie turned as she felt Marco tapping her side. He slipped her a note.
Hey Els-
everything alright?
Ellie sighed and responded.
everything's fine, y?
She slipped the note back to Marco, who quickly scribbled on it and passed it back.
u just seem happy...thought maybe you were in love or something
Ellie laughed silently.
no...I'm just happy, not sure why, but I hope I stay like this for a bit
Marco smiled.
I'm glad...I was getting worried about u
Ellie took a deep breath.
I'm getting better, u really don't need to worry
Marco looked relieved.
still best friends?
Ellie smiled happily.
of course
Ellie passed the note back and packed up her book bag as the bell rang, she didn't know why Marco was worried. He had only been giving the cliff notes version of what happened to land her into sessions with Ms. Sauve. Marco still thought it was just a few scratches on her arm and there had been a misunderstanding. But he had noticed there was something different about her since Paige had caught her in the bathroom. It was almost as if that moment opened his eyes to things he had been missing. Today was different, there was a different glow about her that she had today. The smiling to herself, the sudden bursts of laughter from whatever she was thinking about in her geometry class daydreams.
Marco and Ellie walked for a bit before he found himself distracted by the sight of Dylan's blonde mop and quickly rushed off of to catch him before lunch. She smiled to herself, thinking about the cloud 6 life she was floating along in. She was practically bouncing as she walked into the cafeteria alone and sat down to wait for Marco to pop up at their table. Ellie poked at her food and making notes in her notebook when she jumped slightly as Paige and Ashley slid into seats across from her.
"Hey Ellie," Paige said sweetly.
"Hi" Ellie responded looking up.
"How are you?"
"Fine..."
"So...why'd you sign off all quick?" Ashley asked.
Ellie rolled her eyes. " I was tired, needed some sleep"
"Are you sure that's it?" Paige asked.
Ellie couldn't believe this. Paige and Ashley were ganging up on her. Why didn't they trust the help she was getting? Why didn't they notice that she was in a good mood? "I'm fine guys - can't I just be tired?"
"We're just worried," Ashley said. "Look, Ellie, Paige told me what happened -"
"Which was none of her business," Ellie said looking over to Paige.
"Well regardless - I researched it."
Ellie rolled her eyes, "Of course you did," Ellie's good mood was dwindling, "that's what you always do, research things you don't know and then think you can empathize with what other people feel without having experienced what they go through on a daily basis." She began to pack up her bag, "Look - if either of you two had taken the chance to notice me at all today, you'd know that I've been in a pretty good mood."
"That's great El," Paige answered happily.
"No - it's not!" Ellie answered loudly, "because now I"m pretty upset that you two couldn't just trust me when I said I was tired," Ellie looked frustrated, "instead you think I'm just winging it." She grabbed her bag and threw it over her shoulder, "why do you trust the fact that I'm taking my sessions with Ms. Sauve seriously and that unless you guys want to genuinely talk to me instead of accusing me of hurting myself because I didn't want to stay up all night chatting online."
Ellie grabbed her lunch tray and dumped it into the trash before storming out of the cafeteria, brushing past Marco who watched as she argued with Ashley and Paige. He stormed up to the two and placed his hands on his hips, "What did you two just do?"
"Nothing," Paige said innocently, "we were just worried about her."
"She was in a great mood when I left her in the hallway," Marco said, "and then I walk in here and you two look like you're ganging up on her."
"We weren't ganging up on her -" Ashley defended, "she just signed off last night pretty quick and I was just worried - I looked into people that cut themselves," she continued in a hushed tone, "and when they're feeling alone is -"
"Nope," Marco said, "Nope to the twelfth power Ash, just stop with the researching and remember this isn't some rando you read about, this is Ellie, she's our friend."
"Marco-" Paige tried to interrupt.
"I know you're her oldest friend here Ash, but she's my best friend," he argued, "and I hate myself for missing this huge secret she's been hiding from all of us, but maybe just maybe we should trust her a little bit when it comes to her well being, especially not that everyone knows."
Paige and Ashley dropped their heads and Marco just shook his head and left the cafeteria to chase off after Ellie.
Ellie angrily stomped off towards the zen garden and dropped her bag on the bench, only to watch it tumble backward off the bench to the ground onto the figure lying on the floor with a hoodie pulled tight over his face. "Watch it," grumbled the figure as it sat up. Sean pulled his hoodie off his head and squinted his eyes into the bright natural light of the zen garden and grabbed his head.
"Sorry," Ellie said, her voice echoing throughout the garden, "what are you doing down there?"
"Watch the volume," Sean said climbing to his feet and joining her on the bench with her bag in his hand.
"You okay?" Ellie asked, lowering her voice so it didn't echo.
"Hangover."
Ellie nodded, and made an oh with her mouth.
"Where are you supposed to be?" Sean asked as he tried to take the opportunity to start his day instead of sleeping off his hangover in the zen garden.
"Lunch."
"Not hungry?" he asked.
"Not anymore," she said, "got my lunch hijacked by a worried Ashley and Paige," Sean nodded. "Ruined a perfectly good mood."
"You were in a good mood?"
"About cloud 6" she said blushing, not wanting to admit that she'd been in a pretty good mood since he left her on her doorstep.
"Well, I trust you."
"That's reassuring," she said sarcastically.
Sean shrugged, "whatever."
Silence.
Sean just sat there, it was almost as if he were waiting on Ellie to carry the conversation. Ellie wondered if they even needed one, because just sitting next to him, next to someone who didn't make her feel broken was enough for her to feel content.
"You can talk to me you know," Sean said.
Ellie smiled, "I'm just trying to figure out how to channel all this," and motioned towards her sleeve covered arm, "into something else - because all I feel like doing is crying or being angry."
"So let yourself cry..." he suggested.
"I don't like crying," she answered.
"Trying to be strong, Miss Nash?" Sean asked smartly.
Ellie laughed at his smugness but agreed. "So," she muttered, trying to change the subject, "How did you manage to get drunk last night?"
Sean laughed to himself and rolled his head from side to side, "Jay."
Ellie rolled her eyes.
"On the way home from yours," he continued, "still don't know how I made it home, but Tracker got me to the bathroom."
"Was he mad?"
"He was strangely calm," he said, "reminded me of when he'd take care of me when we were kids."
"You seem surprised."
"I was," he agreed, "because it's what we were fighting about before I ran into you last night, he thinks I'm drinking too much," he clarified, "which to him is really that I'm drinking at all."
The bell rang and echoed through the room and Ellie found herself naturally collecting her stuff and cocking her head to the side as she watched Sean carefully, "you going to class?" she asked.
"Might as well go to one of them." Sean looked at her a moment and quickly stood up, Ellie reached out and caught him as the blood rushed to his head. She helped keep him steady for a moment as he balanced himself. "Thanks," he said as she gently dropped her grasp and they walked off towards Ellie's next class.
Marco had been outside the zen garden watching them closely as they left to class. He didn't hear any of the conversations, but he noticed how calm she seemed with him and he noticed how looked at her. He had to wonder if Sean Cameron had been the reason Ellie had a happy aura around her through their geometry class. Sean Cameron. He really didn't know much about him. He was a grade behind them because he'd transferred so late he lost an entire year of school and couldn't catch up. He knew he should have been in their grade, in fact, Marco vaguely remembered him from when they were younger. He really couldn't recall anything about him much more than that. He shrugged it off but made a mental note to ask Ellie about him later.
Authors Note: updated 06-30-2020
