Numb
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I've become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
"Yo! Cameron!" Jay called out to Sean as he walked Ellie to class.
Sean looked over at Ellie who just motioned for him to go on. Sean shook his head, "Just give me a sec," he said. Ellie dropped her shoulders and waited for a moment as Sean walked over to Jay who looked at Ellie.
"What's up?" Sean asked as he followed Jay's gaze.
"You just took off last night," Jay said, "Who's the girl?"
"Just Ellie," Sean muttered and leaned against the lockers, digging his hands into his pockets.
"Just Ellie -" Jay repeated and then change his posture, "So look - we're thinking of heading down to the ravine Wednesday - little party. Me, You, Alex, Towerz, A-"
Sean cut him off, "I told you, I have to study."
Ellie looked at the two funny as she heard Sean shut down Jay, remembering that she'd given him an alibi to hang out with his friends.
"Oh yea - you have to study" Jay said as he used quotation marks and looked over Sean's shoulder at Ellie, who realized Jay had caught on to something between the two of them. Ellie shook her head and just walked off towards her class. She was used to being left behind - so when Sean asked her to stay it made her feel important but as she realized that Jay was insinuating something about her and Sean, she realized that Sean wasn't any different than most anyone else in her life.
Sean looked up at Jay, he didn't want to disappoint him, but he also didn't want to be left out of a little fun. " I'll see what I can do" Sean answered. It happened to be exactly what Jay wanted to hear.
"You can bring just Ellie if you want," Jay said, "but I'm not sure Amy will be welcoming." Jay wandered off down the hall and Sean wondered if he was actually going to class or on his way to skip.
Sean looked back across the hall and Ellie was gone. Had she heard Jay? He shook his head and He took a breath and began to head towards the library, it was always quiet, a great place to sleep when you were too hungover to go to class. He knew he told Ellie he'd go to class but he wasn't sure if it actually mattered to her or not, he just wanted to be somewhere where his headache could subside.
"And where are you off to Mr. Cameron?" he heard Mr. Raditch say. "Bell rang 5 minutes ago."
"Just going to the library, sir - some place quiet to study," Sean said turning around to face his principal.
"So you took our conversation yesterday to heart?" he asked.
"Maybe," Sean answered, "don't want to get your hopes up yet, sir."
Mr. Raditch looked at him incredulously, "you still have detention with me - don't forget."
"I won't, sir."
Sean began walking towards the library, wondering if the polite sirs were overkill, but laughed to himself instead.
Ellie slipped into her Lit class late and slumped down into her seat quietly, hoping to go unnoticed by their teacher. While she enjoyed this class her mind was a frantic mess of jumbled thoughts that had her struggling to pay attention. Her mind kept driving to the back of the room where Paige and Ashley sat, whispering to each other. She didn't know that Marco had gone off on them in the cafeteria after she'd stormed out, but she knew that she still wasn't ready to ease up on her friends for how they didn't trust her. She didn't mind the worry. It was more so the constant talk about her behind her back that Ellie didn't like.
"Miss Nash can you tell me what the sonnet means?" a voice asked.
Ellie looked up at the teacher for a moment, realizing she wasn't paying attention at all and her teacher was trying to catch her off guard. Ellie took a deep breath, calming herself, "which sonnet?"
The woman rolled her eyes and pushed her glasses back on her nose and immersed herself into the book, "CXXVII"
Ellie looked over the list of Shakespeare's sonnets and her eyes fell upon the one the teacher had asked her about.
In old age black was not counted fair,
Or if it were, it bore not beauty's name;
But now is black beauty's successive heir,
And beauty slander'd with a bastard shame:
For since each hand hath put on nature's power,
Fairing the foul with art's false borrow'd face,
Sweet beauty hath no name, no holy hour,
But is profan'd, if not lives in disgrace.
Therefore my mistress' eyes are raven black,
Her eyes so suited; and they mourners seem
At such, who, not born fair, no beauty lack,
Slandering creation with a false esteem:
Yet so they mourn, becoming of their woe
That every tongue says, beauty should look so.
Ellie looked over the sonnet and read it in her head. "I think it's talking about taboo ideas on what's attractive were distorted in that era - like dark complexions, or themes and that now dark and black are beautiful and it's light and fair that no longer the standard of beauty because people started to take the power to call themselves beautiful into their own hands - that beauty itself is taboo. And that his mistresses's eyes are a beautiful black and so beautiful that all eyes should look like hers." She thought about it a bit more. "I guess it's kind of like saying that beauty is in the eye of the beholder - that he sees nothing but the most beautiful woman in the world even though she has aspects of herself that others may not see."
"Great analysis Ellie" the teacher praised. Ellie glowed. "Any other thoughts?" she asked the class. A few people muttered their opinion but Ellie droned out the sounds of everyone else and just focused on her thoughts, and the doodles she was drawing in her naked notebook. The doodles weren't very good, but they kept her distracted.
Ellie was sitting in her room trying to figure out her geometry homework yet again, staring at her book, to her notebook, to her compass, and then to her arm. She could almost envision herself forcing the edge of the compass point into her skin and dragging it across. She could imagine the release that never came. She grabbed her compass tightly in her hand and shakily brought it towards her arm. Her hand was shaking so much that before the compass point could even touch her scarred skin she dropped it on the hardwood floor and heard it's contact echoing through her room, breaking the silence. Then as quickly as the silence returned the doorbell rang. The suddenness of the new noise caused Ellie to jump slightly as she sat on her hardwood floor.
"Answer the damn door!" her mother shrieked from downstairs. Ellie stood up quickly, rushed down the stairs, and flung open the door before the person could ring the doorbell again, annoying her mother's hangover. As she reached the door she looked over at her mother - in her permanent home on the couch with a blanket, cuddled up with a bottle of vodka like a teddy bear. She mentally thanked the person at the door for not ringing the bell more than once.
Ellie's facial expression could be explained as nothing more than amusement and confusion swirled together on her pale face of a canvas. "What are you doing here?" and Ellie took a step back as Sean stepped into the house.
"You said you needed help on geometry was it?"
"That was so you could get out of the house without your brother breathing down your neck, it wasn't an invitation to my house, Sean," Ellie said in her sarcastic tone.
Sean looked hurt for a moment, "I guess I could go hang out with Jay then" he muttered and turned to leave but Ellie stopped him. She wanted him to stay, for the sake of not hanging out with Jay again, she didn't like how she found Sean in the middle of the afternoon napping off a hangover in the zen garden.
"Actually," she said, "I'm drowning in proofs right now," Ellie said smirking and offered him to come farther into the house so she could close the door behind him.
Sean followed Ellie inside and up to her room, his bookbag slung over one shoulder. Looking around he noticed the darkness and depth her room held. Her walls were a deep crimson red, accented in black. Her room was so dark and mysterious he was surprised it wasn't lit with candles, but instead a edison bulbs and a string of Christmas lights behind her bed. Ellie sat down on the dark hardwood floor and picked up her pencil. She stopped and looked up at Sean who just looked around her room. "You can sit down if you want" she muttered chirpily, rolling her eyes.
Sean stepped into the room dropped his bag on the floor before taking his shoes off and jumping onto her bed. Hopping up and down for a moment before landing to sit at the edge of her bed, grabbing a teddy bear that sat on her pillows and making himself comfortable, "so proofs?" he asked.
Ellie rolled her eyes and laughed, "yea, proofs."
Sean scooted back and rolled onto his stomach to lean over the edge of the bed and motioned for Ellie to come closer. She picked up her book and notebook and slid closer to her bed until her back was against the foot of her bed and Sean could watch her work over her shoulder. He was so close she could smell his deodorant and the stale smell of marijuana from hanging out with Jay clinging to his hoodie.
"Well, you see here?" Sean said pointing to one of her problems, "That would never work out"
Ellie looked at him confused, Sean quickly showed her what he meant, and it seemed to snap into her head.
"Why were you held back?" she asked wondering.
"I transferred late -" he said "and then I just fell behind in English and all my other classes" he muttered, "math is easy - there's nothing to interpret."
Ellie laughed.
"What's so funny."
"Nothing, it just makes so much since - but math has never come easily to me but Lit comes easily to me."
"that's because you're brain is wired different - you're creative."
Ellie blushed.
"Maybe you could help me with my English homework sometime," he said.
Ellie rolled her eyes, "sure."
Ellie started to cruise through her homework with Sean working like a bird on her shoulder helping her understand methods and formulas. It wasn't long before she was finished and found that Sean had rolled off the bed and was going through her CDs, "Don't you have anything good?" he muttered. Ellie looked at him, feigning offense.
"You're kidding right?"
"I've never heard of half to these bands," Sean answered honestly.
"Well we dont' all listen to mainstream music," she said rollingher eyes nad lifting herself of the floor. She walked over to her CD tower and nudged Sean to the side with a bump from her hip and he looked over and smiled. She ran her finger down the spines of the CD's until she came to one she liked. She pulled it out, popped it into her CD player and tossed the case to Sean.
He read over the cover carefully, "From Autumn to Ashes..." Sean said reading the case, "who are they?"
"American band," she muttered as she skipped to a familiar song at the end of the CD. "This is a great song," she said smirking
" I've never heard of half these bands."
" well we don't all listen to mainstream music" she said rolling her eyes and lifting herself off the floor. She walked over to her CD tower and nudged Sean to the side. She ran her finger down the spines of the CD's until she came to one she liked. She pulled it out, popped it in her CDplayer, and tossed the case to Sean.
"From Autumn to Ashes..." Sean said reading the case, " who are they?"
"American band" she muttered as she skipped through most of the CD until she got to the last song. " this is music" she said smirking. Sean looked at her funny and then heard the music pumping through the speakers softly as she turned down her stereo while she shut her bedroom door so her mother wouldn't be disturbed. He heard a redundant guitar melody and what he thought were violins and then a harsh rhythm on the guitar and bass and then a simple drum beat. There seemed to be no vocals until he heard a harsh hardcore sounding voice followed by a beautiful melodic vocalist imbedding the most gorgeously poetic lyrics into his head. Nine minutes later, he was still amazed by the song he had just heard. It had combined so much including energy and emotion that he was just blown away.
"What was that?" he asked.
" Short Stories with Tragic Endings" she muttered, " One of their best"
"What else do you have?"
"Well what do you usually like?"
"Rap, mostly -" he answered, "but I'm really pretty open to anything that sounds good."
Ellie thought for a moment and went through her zippered CD case under her desk and flipped through for a moment, "I think you might like this-" she said and popped what looked like a burned CD into the player and pressed play, "it's a little different..."
This is to the woman who I loved but lost
Intertwined souls of the universe
Got divorced when it wasn't forced
Cause single thoughts of being double-crossed
Till there's no love lost
I can't even start this
Ellie watched him carefully as he listened to the lyrics of a live recording by Sage Francis performing Rewrite. His eyes lit up as he began to resonate with the lyrics. His head bopping to the drum beat in the background the cadence of his words.
This to the woman who I used to respect
Now I call her a bitch cause I'm constantly upset
So this is to the +bitch+ who cut communication
For a new relation
Selfishness spread through the nation
All I ever wanted was a hug
To wrap my loving arms around you, you blew it off with a shrug
"Shit-" he said as the song faded out, "that..."
"Yea," she answered, knowing that the song reminded him of his relationship with Emma Nelson. "That's an artist from New Jersey - Sage Francis...still don't think I have anything good?" she asked taking the CD out and placing it back in the zippered case. Sean was surprised - he hadn't expected Ellie to have hip hop in her CD collection, but then again he continued to surprise her in little ways.
She looked over as he sat dangling his feet off the edge of her bed. He noticed another zippered case under her nightstand and quickly grabbed it and before Ellie could stop him he wondered aloud, "what are you hiding in this one," and he unzipped it to find the kit she had for cutting - her razor blades, a few first aid items, and before he could get a glance of the rest Ellie had snatched it from his hands and zipped it up carefully.
"I just keep - just in case," she said softly, hanging her head.
Sean just nodded understandingly.
Ellie set the case on her desk and grabbed another burnt CD from the tower and handed it to him, "here..." she said, "you can borrow it," hoping it would distract him.
Sean glanced at the clock and caught it flashing ten, "I think it's time for me to get going," he muttered. Ellie silently agreed and showed him out quietly, making sure she wouldn't wake her mother. As he walked down the steps from Ellie's front door he looked back at the front door and down at the CD she'd given him and read it carefully on the outside: Jamison Parker - Notes and Photographs scribbled across it in Ellie's handwriting. He grabbed his CD player out of his backpack and carefully swapped his CD for the one Ellie had given him and pressed play as he started on his walk home.
Sean walked home in the dark, the music echoing through his headphones. This was definitely not something he would usually listen to but there was something catchy about the lyrics. And by the time he'd gotten to Biting Bullets he definitely felt he had a connection to the song when he heard the first block of lyrics with regards to how he felt about his last real relationship and it made him realize he was still struggling to move on from how he felt about Emma and how things ended.
Did you know you were the girl
that made me hate blond hair and I
just can't wait to make you hate me a little more
and everynight that I spend
with bloodshot eyes and no end
and enough excuses here to bury me alive
He knew he eventually had to move on. What was the saying? Forgive and forget. The problem was he could forgive her - he just didn't want to forget her. He wasn't going to stand there and lie to people about what Emma had meant to him. She was important to him, and she was important to all the things that lead him to who he was today.
Did you know you were the girl
that made love a four letter word
I just can't wait to make you hate me a little more
you made my head a mess
with the life of doctors notes
and ink blot tests
and enough empty bottles to bury me alive
And whatever was going on with him and Ellie - this friendship was making him feel a certain kind of way about Emma. It was making it easier to let her go. By the time he got to his front door he was on the last song. He didn't even stop to say good night to Tracker as he walked straight to his room, dropped his bag on the floor and fell onto his bed, still listening to the last song - Dear Everybody (my so called life) and caught a set of lyrics that had him falling asleep thinking of Ellie...
I haven't seen the sun in about a week
and I'm keeping all sharp objects out of reach
I finally know the taste of love
it's a cross between cheap beer and blood
with an aftertaste of dry sarcastic speech
and maybe a little bit of him and Ellie.
Author's Note: updated 06-30-2020; some of you will notice a new addition to the song in the scene in Ellie's room and I've shifted the Jamison Parker song back to a newly added Sean's walk home. All songs and artists are mentioned in the post so no need for a post note about them.
