Numb
You loved the previews, and hate the movie
You scream at the screen, "something move me"
Before you start to fade away
Butch Walker / One Day at a Time
Sean gently wrapped Ellie's arm in light gauze and tugged her sleeves back down her arms, patting them lightly. "All better?" Sean asked. Ellie nodded. " You okay? What happened?" Sean asked. Ellie dropped her head on the table. She was tired of answering questions. Tried of people questioning her.
"Do we have to talk about this now?" she asked, " I mean we skipped school, can't we do something that's like less depressing?"
Sean smiled and headed into the living room. Ellie raised an eyebrow and followed. Sean collapsed on the couch, kicked his feet up on the coffee table, and clicked on the remote.
" TV?" Ellie muttered as she fell onto the couch beside him, "that's your big plan?"
Sean shrugged, " do you have a better idea?"
Ellie sighed, " do you have any movies or anything?"
Sean pointed lazily to the scattered pile of Tracker's DVDs, "Tracker has some," he turned back to television and flicked through the channels.
Ellie squatted down over the pile of DVDs and flipped through them. Bad Boys, Lord of the Rings: the Fellowship of the Ring, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, SLC:Pu-, "nk, SLC: Punk?!" Ellie exclaimed excitedly and jumped to her feet. Sean looked up and tried to stifle a laugh. Ellie rushed over to Sean and waved the DVD case in his face, "the best movie to ever grace the screen." Her eyes were so glossy and alive; it amazed Sean that something like that could make her smile. And it was a beautiful smile. "Have you seen this?"
Sean shook his head, "never seen it," he said knowing that Tracker had tons of movies piled up in the corner, "well -" Sean said, "DVD player is over there," and pointed.
Ellie smiled brighter, popped the DVD into the player, jumped up onto the couch excitedly, curled her knees up to her chest, rested her hands on the tops of her knees, and smiled as the screen darkened and the opening credits rolled with a playful instrumental track. Sean looked over at the redhead and smiled. He watched as her posy pink lips curled up in a smile a voice spoke over the dark screen and a pick up truck rolled across the screen and two guys got out and were jumped by two punks and Steve-O said the infamous line "what more could I say? we weren't much more than a couple of young punks."
Sex and Violence by the Exploited played over a series of more credits and Sean actually looked over to Ellie and asked "what are we watching?" nervously.
Ellie shushed him, "they're introducing Bob."
Sean looked back at the screen and watched as the guy with the mohawk punched the mirror, did nothing about the cut on his hand, and ended up needing to go to the hospital where he freaked out over the needle. Sean had himself starting to question his brother's taste in movies.
"Craig, are you okay? You seem a bit distant tonight." Ashley asked as she sat up on the couch. Craig looked at Ashley. He didn't feel distant he felt completely guilty. Had Ashley known what happened after Paige's surprise party she would never have wanted to get back together with him?
"I'm fine" he lied.
"I don't think you are, you can talk to me Craig"
"I'm fine" he repeated.
Ashley looked at him wearily. She didn't believe him. Then again, she didn't believe Ellie. Maybe she needed to learn to be more trusting. She smiled and grabbed the collar of Craig's shirt and pulled him in close. "Good," she said pressing their lips together. They broke apart for a moment, "cause I'd feel bad if I just kept..." and she kissed him, " kissing you" and again, "over and over" and again, "if something was wrong."
Craig laughed. He normally didn't see Ashley like this, but somehow he enjoyed her taking the lead, it almost reminded him of...Manny. Craig pushed his thoughts of the girl he once considered to remind him of his five-year-old half-sister out of his mind and concentrated solely on Ashley. He was going to avoid the situation for as long as possible. Ashley leaned back on the seats of the couch, wrapped her arm around Craig's neck, and smiled as they closed the space between them, until she felt her pants vibrate and a familiar cell phone ring break the silence. Craig pushed himself up and Ashley dug into her pants pocket and pulled out her cell phone.
"Hello?" Ashley asked trying to sound less disappointed than she felt.
"Ash, it's Paige"
"What do you want Paige?"
"Have you seen Ellie since school ended?"
"No, but I'm sure she's fine."
"How do you know?"
"Because I think maybe we should trust her"
Ashley could hear Paige huff over the phone. Silence fell between the two until Ashley picked up the conversation in hopes of ending in quickly. " I think you should try and give Ellie some space, it's like you've become obsessed with her well-being."
"Hon...I'm just trying to help her."
"Sometimes not everyone wants help, or needs it, you're not wonder-woman"
"But pretty damn close," Paige said and hung up the phone.
Ashley rolled her eyes and turned off her phone and grabbed Craig's shirt collar again, " where were we?" she asked softly and fell back onto the couch.
Tracker fiddled with the keys in the lock and stumbled into the house noisily. He hung his coat up and slipped off his shoes, and headed towards the kitchen. As he walked through the living room, he noticed the television blared with the root menu for SLC: Punk. He looked down on the couch and noticed leaning on his elbow, his head resting in the palm of his hand. His other arm wrapped around Ellie as she rested her head on his chest.
Tracker couldn't help but smile. They were completely sound asleep.
Tracker continued into the kitchen and noticed the medical supplies were scattered across the table and sighed. He didn't know what happened, but he could only make the assumption that Ellie slipped. He remembered what it was like, feeling the stress what felt like the whole world against him. Sitting alone up in his room listening to the constant bantering and bickering between his parents just hurt him more. Tracker undid a safety pin from his pants and forcefully jabbed it into his arm, dragging it across so it bled more. He breathed a sigh of relief as the blood gently oozed from his new cut. Tracker snapped out of it and cleared the table.
He threw a pot of water on the stove to boil and prowled the cabinets for box of pasta and a jar of sauce. He watched the water boil as he got lost in his thoughts, mesmerized by the way the bubbles rose to the surface of the water until it seemed to roll and Tracker was broken from his trance as he dumped a box of pasta into the water. Tracker sat at the kitchen table staring at his arm. The scars were barely visible but he could still remember each one. He never regretted cutting himself. He just always wished he had found a better way of dealing with everything.
He drained the pasta and added the sauce and some cheese while he set the table for three and woke up the couple on the couch, "wake up you too, dinner's ready."
Ellie yawned awake and stretched her arms up and almost hit Sean in the face, and blushed when she realized she'd fallen asleep on him with her head against his chest and stood up quickly. Sean rubbed his eyes and stumbled into the kitchen behind her and into a chair at the table.
"You made dinner?" Sean asked as Tracker set the bowl of pasta on the table.
Tracker let out a chuckle, "I tried," he said and grabbed a few sodas from the fridge, and sat down, "nice to see you again, Ellie."
Ellie smiled politely.
Dinner was quiet.
Tracker didn't want to mention the medical supplies spilled across the table for his sake, and for Ellie's. He knew all to well that sometimes it was just better not to talk about something; he didn't want a relapse from Ellie. He was almost positive she wasn't cutting, at the moment. He could tell just by the way she was emulating her aura. He could tell by the pained look in her eyes that she wanted to, but something was holding her back. Perhaps Sean would be a good influence on her, and her on him.
"Thanks for dinner Tracker, but I really need to head home now," Ellie said standing up and walking to grab her things.
"I'll walk you home," Sean said jumping up and grabbing his hoodie off the couch.
Tracker rolled his eyes and cleared the table as he watched Sean and Ellie head out the door.
It was freezing out and had started to flurry. Ellie wrapped her arms around herself tightly to keep warm and shivered as she felt Sean gently wrap an arm around her to warm her up. She shivered against him for a moment but felt herself warm up a little bit under the protection of his arm.
"Thanks," she said quietly.
"No problem," Sean said.
"I mean for everything," Ellie said slowing down her pace to get more time out of her walk with Sean, "it's been really nice having someone to talk to the last few days."
Sean nodded in agreement. "It's been really nice," he said. There was an awkward silence for a moment, "so that movie?"
Ellie smiled to herself, "you didn't like it," she commented, "it's one of my favorites."
"I kind of figured," he chuckled, "but the whole ending -" he was getting upset, "I mean all that talk about being a punk and how important it was for them to be anarchists and at the end Steve-O ends up becoming the thing he hated the most"
"The whole movie was a coming of age tale about growing up and changing and accepting change."
"But did they need to kill Bob?"
"Yes, because sadly it Bob's tragic death symbolized the end of their era, he met that girl that made him question everything he knew about his world and Bob's death brought it to a crashing halt, Bob was his last connection to punk"
Sean glanced over at her, "you're weird."
"I just think a lot," she said, "it's a problem," she muttered.
"Nah, it's cool."
They stopped in front of Ellie's house and stood on the sidewalk in silence. She started rocking back and forth, shifting her weight from foot to foot as snowflakes continued to flurry around her.
"Goodnight Ellie" Sean whispered.
" Goodnight Sean" she said softly and turned to walk into her house, glancing back at Sean's retreating back as he walked home. She felt dizzy but grounded as she closed the door tightly and leaned back against it to catch her breath. She found herself wondering what it would be like to kiss Sean. Ellie didn't even check on her mother as she climbed the stairs to her room and dropped her bag on the floor. Homework wasn't even at the forefront of her mind. She changed into a pair of baggy pajama pants and a loose-fitting t-shirt before climbing into bed with a new CD and her disc player.
it seems that I lost track of time
and I can't believe my mind
would you save me
if I reached out to you
I'm waiting
watching, standing
I'm reaching
climbing closer
I know that I'll never be alone
you will never let me go
you are my anchor
hold my hand while I'm sinking in the sand
no one else could understand
In a few short days, Sean had become someone she could trust. He was someone that was easy for her to talk to. And maybe it was because they shared this weird fellowship of drunken parents that enabled Sean to understand exactly what she was going through. A few chance encounters had Sean keeping her steady on her feet, and steady in her head. Here she was, over-thinking everything. They were just friends. Just Friends. She repeated to herself. And yet - she thought back to when they stood outside and rejected the urge to reach out and hug him. She rejected the thoughts she had about wondering what it would be like to ... kiss Sean.
hold my hand while I'm sinking in the sand
no one else could understand
Author's Note: updated 07-02-2020
