Evilly long Author's Note, I apologize, but if you have the patience, it explains some things that were asked. If not, then just skip through it.
I'm back with this story! And yes, it will be a multi-chapter story.
Okay, so I meant prologue, not epilogue. Sorry 'bout that, I had a lack of caffeine that day. Anyways, that chapter happened somewhere in the middle of this story. It's like (now don't laugh) the movie (I'm serious here) ' The Emperor's New Groove'. Where in the beginning you see the llama rained on, then it tells the story and in the end of the movie you see the llama rained on again, and then the story continues a little from there and then ends. Hope that made sense, it did in my head.
And the voice that was talking to Beka in the last chapter was Beka. She was thinking, and the voice inside her head was answering in 'all the words like this'. Ya know, like when you have conversations with yourself? Or answer yourself? 'Cept only her mind was talking. She was using that voice to make herself face up to some of the things she hated about herself, but let the voice get carried away and form a mind of it's own.
I'm dedicating this story to the ever-wonderful Miikka, my e-mail buddy, and excellent friend, who rox and rambles like no other in such a cool way! And for Jade Rhade, for being the first person ever to call me normal, which was really cool.
Some things that happen in here may not seem like something a person would do. But trust me, they are. Some instances have actually occurred involving me, people I know, and articles that I have read. I did do some research for this, shocking I know, work of my own free will.
Takes place Season 4, before Arkology (sp?), but I may or may not use information that we have learned in season 5 (like Rhade's family that died).
If you don't want to read something in a chapter, or if I'm confusing, please e-mail me and I'll sum it up or try to explain it better. My e-mail is on my profile, but if you're lazy like me it tebes 22 at AOL dot COM. Or I can e-mail you if you leave me yours, just space it out (like I did) or it won't show up in the review. And please put a title like 'scars', 'fanfic', or something so I don't think it's Spam or some chat room crazy person who decided to stalk me.
Also, my one friend told me that I have to give this warning so
WARNING: this story may act as a trigger. Do not read if you believe that you may act upon/copy some things done in this story. It does contain ideas of ways to harm one's self. Please do not try them.
Thank you for reading this (if you did) and please enjoy the chapter and review.
I'm going away from the 16th to the 20th to my grandparents' house in Florida. I will not be able to get online while I'm there.
Also, I was wondering if somebody would be willing to Beta this story for me. For a while I didn't even know what that was, but now I do! So if anyone wouldn't mind/wants to, please let me know in a review.
Scars
Chapter 1
Dear Journal,
I can't believe I actually have a journal. But, well, Rev gave it to me and told me to write down my feeling as it would make me feel better since I'm not able to say everything that I want to say out loud. And since it's my last day here and I haven't written anything yet, and I know Rev knows that he's making me feel guilty, …hi! I'm so not good at this.
How about I just tell you why I'm here? Would that work?
Well, you see my good friend and the man that I felt so much for went crazy and gave me up as a sacrifice so that he could get in an evil entity's good grace. And still even now I can't hate him. I'm too hurt. The man I knew wouldn't do that. He, he may not have felt for me what I thought he did, and maybe, maybe I don't feel for him anymore what I thought I did, but, we were friends, once. And I don't like letting my friendships go. Everyone expects me to hate him, and I have a new co-worker who doesn't even try to hide his disgust. And everyone walks on eggshells around me.
I just can't believe how much he changed.
And then as if that didn't cut deep enough, the evil entity was hiding inside of me and used me to try to kill my other friends.
So that, coupled with the truth of her coming out to the new co-worker, Rhade, another neitzschean, and a few other stressful things, I had a teeny tiny miniscule breakdown where I might have maybe completely destroyed a bar and I got sent here.
So I've been staying with my old buddy Rev and his friends, a bunch of other wayist monks.
On a planet.
How that part of it was supposed to be relaxing and stress free escapes me. But hey, vacation time with pay, what girl's gunna argue with that?
And the planet isn't all that bad. I only go outside a couple times a day usually. Rev has woken me up to watch some sunrises, and I have to admit stars are pretty when you're looking up at them instead of around at them. And sometimes I join the monks on evening bonfires, who knew the robed guys knew how to make a perfect smore?
Sometimes I've just walked around for some exercise, I hate being cooped up with nothing to do for so long. It lets my mind wander and I don't like my thoughts.
But so yeah, I'm leaving today and going back.
I get to see my baby!
That's right, you heard me, the Maru was taken from me. Apparently while I was staying here I had to 'relax in a new surrounding, it will be more beneficial. Besides, I'd just spend the entire time on the Maru if I had it'.
First of all, my baby is NOT, I repeat NOT, an 'it'.
And I wouldn't have spent the whole time, just probably almost all of the time at the beginning and then only nights and junk at the end. But whatever. I'm leaving in a few hours, so I have to write really quickly here what I've learned so that Rev doesn't give me that look that says 'Rebecca it would have helped, I want to help, why didn't you let me help you'. Most people, I ignore this look. But this is Rev we're talking about here.
He's my friend, my family, and someone who understands how I feel.
He has always wanted to prove that his existence is worthy, and that the woman that he calls mother did not die vain. He has struggled and bleed for what he believes and to try to become a better being. He wanted to make it all worth it, he just wants me, and everyone else, to be happy.
All I ever wanted to do as a kid was make my dad proud.
Now it's like I want Rev to be 'proud' of me. Not I a normal 'make 'em proud kid' kinda sense. But more like a 'live up to the person that he says I can be and do the things he thinks I'm capable of' kinda proud.
But anyway, back to what I've learned while I was here.
Um, let's see. Well, I've learned how to make a near perfect smore.
I know, that's not what I'm supposed to have learned.
Well, I don't really know what I've learned. It's sort of like I've just been repressing everything and denying that anything ever happened this whole time that I've been here and then when I go back to Andromeda, that's the ship I work on, everything will just come crashing down around and I'll be left alone in the rubble.
I'm always so alone.
You see, I've always helped and protected others. And while I do need some help and some protection and I used to cry at night wishing I had someone take care of me the way I took care of my Dad and Raif, I'll ever admit that to anyone. That's just not the way I work. I can't show weakness, and neediness is a weakness.
Majorly.
So I did learn one thing, which leads me back to my thoughts.
I was working the kitchens, not all that bad of a cook by the way. I mean I did have to cook for my Dad and Raif all those years, with very little food and money, which is pretty hard to do. And then Harper, well, he can cook too, he had to know how too cook almost anything as well growing up on Earth. Not much food to pick from. But spices make him sneeze, and I swear the kid can get a food standing in front of an open fridge for a minute.
But so I was working in the kitchen and chopping vegetables and I got bumped from behind as two of the monks who work in the kitchens, excellent chefs by the way, bumped into me and my knife slipped. It slid and cut my hand. So of course I was rushed to the hospital area with washcloths held to me by one monk and the other apologizing to no end. But it was sort of all in a blurry rush. It didn't even hurt, and normally wounds hurt. But it was like it sorta did but not really.
I had been thinking about all the crap that I've gone threw, I was just starting to think about when Sid kidnapped me and forced me to do flash. And then when it slipped from me carrots, which I envisioned as Sid's neck, to my hand and I saw the red pouring out looking so bright against my now somewhat less paler skin my rage slipped away.
I felt better.
It was like the weight was lifted off of me and I was just like 'Oh'.
And then I got to the medical room and they fixed it all up, apologized that they couldn't give me pain killers because of my drug addictions, but I was stuck on that one moment where everything seemed, just so much, OKAY.
And yes, that's bad, very, very, bad.
But it was just a fluke. Or so I thought.
Making smores one night I got 'clumsy' and poked myself with a stick that the marshmallows are roasted on and as the metal slipped threw me I got this rush, like slipstreaming or flash or really great sex. One the way back to get me to medical it got jostled around in my skin, as it was too deep to pull out, and it was like I liked it.
The pain was home.
But Rev was looking at me funny after they took it out, I don't think he thinks it was an accident. But it was harmless really. He won't tell Dylan though, I know he won't. so I can continue my experiment. See if it really works and isn't just some weird funky planet thing.
Well, I can hear someone coming, time to head out now.
But don't worry; Rev said I could keep you to write don my thoughts no matter where I am. And I'm writing you in an old language that's mostly forgotten that my dad taught me. He said it's the native tongue of the original country his family's from. So not everyone will be able to read you. And I'll keep you updated. Promise, and this is a Valentine that always keeps her promises.
Bye bye Mr. Journal.
Rebecca B. Valentine
o o o o o o o o o o o o o oo o o o o o o o
Rhade stepped off of the slip fighter and onto the grass and dirt of the planet. A tiny place far off from any other planet or drift. Perfect for a Wayist monastery to perch among hills, forests, and polls of shining blues with rivers flowing along merrily. He saw Rev up ahead, easily recognizable if not only from memory, but that fact that he was the only magog among the group of religious men.
As he got farther away the slip fighter took off and flew its preprogrammed course back the Andromeda as planned, he would take the Maru back with Beka.
Speaking of which, he didn't she her in the group coming to meet him. He wondered if she knew that Dylan didn't want her flying back alone.
When he and the group met the men bowed at the waist, he bowed back, and the magog shook his hand as the moved to the building, making small talk as they went.
o o o o o o o o o o o o o oo o o o o o o o
Beka followed the monk out of her room as she walked slowly down the hall, trailing her fingers along it. As much as she hated to admit it, she was actually doing to miss this place. It was nice to get away and relax for a while.
While she was staying here for the last two months she wasn't a first officer or a big sister or a pilot. She was simply 'Beka'. Someone she got to be less and less these days it seemed.
She sighed as she made her way into the front hall to say goodbye to everyone, the monk already outside with her bags. She had slowed down as they were walking.
She walked in to see Rhade talking to a few of the monks, he seemed tense and tired. When she continued to walk towards them, he noticed her presence however and when he looked over at her, quickly glancing from her head to toe and then back to her face again, he visibly relaxed, and then smiled at her.
"Beka," he said warmly.
"Rhade," she smirked at him, "Dylan sending me my babysitter so soon is he? I thought I would get at least until I was out of the planet's orbit before he started to play Daddy."
"Yes, well, he didn't want you coming back alone. Besides, we have moved location since you left, and yes you could find out where, but I suppose he didn't want you to be alone. And I volunteered to come. Although I did have to threaten, growl at, and forcibly remove Harper from my slip fighter to keep him from coming as well."
Beka smile and chuckled. She had missed Harper so much. For some reason no one here liked her jokes that began 'so a monk walks into a bar…'.
"So time to go home then."
"Leaving without saying goodbye Rebecca?"
She turned around and saw Rev standing in the doorway with a package, Rhade excused himself and said he'd be in the Maru as she said her goodbyes. She was thankful for that, she didn't want anyone to see her all teary eyed and sad.
"I'm going to miss you Rev. Promise to come visit soon?"
"Of course Rebecca," he smiled at her, " so long as you promise to come back and visit this 'hellish dust ball' of mine." They both chuckled, those were the same words she had used to complain about the first day when she stepped out of her ship and the wind blew dirt all over her. " I want you to take this, I believe that it will help you to stay calm while you go about your duty on Andromeda." He passed something wrapped up in a cloth to her.
"Thank you."
"I need no thanks. Only tell everyone how much I miss them, and I am sorry that I can not leave to come up with you, but I believe that I m still needed here."
She nodded at him, and switched from leaning on one foot to the other. "I'm, I'm, um, just, take care Rev. Even though you aren't on ship with me anymore, and Dylan gets to be captain, you're still my crew. And my crew is my family. And I don't ever want my family hurt."
Rev looked at her and said his words slowly, "You are my family as well Rebecca, and as such I do not wish to see you in pain."
"Rev…."
"Rhade is waiting for you. When you are in need of my counsel and I can not be reached, I believe that my gift to you will suffice."
They stepped forward and hugged each other tightly. One afraid to let go for fear of loosing the thread they shared. The other afraid to let go for fear of the binding that held the first together would crumble and fall.
"I'm going to miss you Rev."
"And I you."
They slowly released their hold and Beka walked outside to return to her life, and all that it entailed.
Rev went to his room, to pray.
o o o o o o o o o o o o o oo o o o o o o o
