Numb
You just stare in space
You found love but it got erased
On the road with all the stoplights
And you're too afraid to turn wrong from right
Butch Walker / One Day at a Time
Ellie made it home before the sun rolled down under the horizon; still bouncing on a high after being asked for suggestions by Caitlin and as she bounded up the stairs. She almost tripped over Sean as she found him sitting on her front porch; his headphones on and bag on his lap. He was waiting. Ellie didn't want to believe he was waiting for her, but it seemed like that was the only option. She slipped her key out of her pocket and looked at him, "did we have a study date I didn't know about?" she asked as she plunged her key into the lock.
"You can still help me with my project right?" Sean asked.
Ellie smiled and nodded as she opened the door.
They stepped inside and were hit with the stench of alcohol in the foyer. Ellie's face scrunched up and twisted into a look of disgust and nausea as the odor overwhelmed her. She found her mother leaning against the wall, somewhere in between the living room and the foyer. Sitting against the wall, clothed in her red silk pajamas and her light blue terry cloth robe, she leaned back, swigging a swift gulp of vodka from its bottle. Her eyes were puffy and dark, and her hair was a greasy mess, "Eleanor" Judy said trying to stand.
Ellie looked sadly at her mother. She wished she could push Sean out the door, she didn't want him to see her mother, she didn't want him to deal with her problems. Ellie spun around quick and began to shoo Sean towards the door, " maybe we should do this another time" Ellie said sadly.
"Ellie, it's alright, it's nothing I haven't seen before. "
Ellie bit her lip and walked over to her mother and looked at Sean pitifully, " Can you just...help me get her to the couch?"
Sean nodded and set down his things and joined Ellie on the other side of Judy and helped to lift her to her feet. Judy stumbled with the help of Ellie and Sean as they guided her to the couch. She fell back on the couch and grabbed her head with her free hand as she gripped the vodka bottle tightly in the other. Judy slowly closed her eyes and opened them again weakly as she noticed Ellie's hand reach for the bottle in an attempt to pry it from her hands. Judy held on tight, pulled the bottle into her chest, and cuddled it against her breasts.
Sean gently grabbed Ellie's arm and gave her a pleading look. "El... just let her go, you can take care of it later, she's not going anywhere." In that moment Sean felt himself being pulled back to a memory of a similar circumstance.
"She's not going anywhere Sean" Tracker said leading him upstairs.
"She's not movin' Track" Sean muttered as he let Tracker guide his tired ten-year-old body up the stairs.
" She'll be fine Sean, I promise"
" What about Dad?"
Tracker looked down, smiled at the naive boy, and picked him up, slinging him over his shoulder and racing up the stairs. What was Tracker going to say? 'Dad's out at a bar getting wasted and probably isn't comin' home?' Tracker's smile disappeared as he threw Sean onto his bed and began tickling him to tears.
"Get ready for bed," Tracker said and left him to head into the bathroom. When he finally emerged, again Tracker was wearing long sleeves and looked utterly depressed. He didn't say a word. Sean sat on his bed in a pair of dark blue plaid pajama pants and a gray tee shirt.
"Hey Track!" Sean said excitedly. "Track?" he repeated after his brother didn't respond.
Tracker looked up and smiled a small bit, "yea Sean?"
" If mom doesn't wake up, who's gonna pack our lunches?"
" I'll pack our lunches...now go to sleep," Tracker said laughing, throwing a pillow at his little brother as he stared at the ceiling.
" G'night Tracker," Sean said sleepily and rolled over under the covers.
" 'night Sean, I love you," Tracker said, the last three words, barely above a whisper.
"She's not going anywhere..."
"She's not going anywhere..."
"She's not going anywhere..."
Ellie hung her head slightly and silently agreed with Sean who seemed lost in his thoughts, "You okay?" she asked softly breaking him from the memory.
Sean looked back at Judy Nash and then at Ellie and nodded, "yea," he confirmed and followed her upstairs to her room.
The room was continuing to feel more familiar to him every time he came over to study, and yet he was still finding new things that made him more curious about what went on inside Ellie's head. Over the course of the night, Ellie's hardwood floor became littered with notes and bookmarked pages, a collection of sticky notes of random passages from the act they wanted to translate into a more modern language.
Ellie and Sean were lying on their backs staring at Ellie's ceiling. This was the newest thing Sean noticed about her room; it's as painted black and beset with tiny glow-in-the-dark stars. "It's not the real thing," Ellie said interrupting his stargazing, "but it works.
Sean laughed and rolled his head to look at her. Ellie rolled her head towards Sean and smiled. He looked over and yawned, stretching his hands up into the air and down behind his head. "It's getting late," he said softly, " maybe I should get going."
Ellie sighed, she didn't want him to leave, but I guess she didn't have a choice. " Yea, I'll see you tomorrow in school and maybe this weekend, and we can finish your project?"
Sean nodded and rolled over and began to pack up his book bag with all the notes they'd made, he tried to keep them neat; Ellie liked to keep them neat. As he stookd up he slung his book bag over his shoulder and let himself out. As he passed through the foyer, he looked into the living room and noticed Ellie's mother, now passed out cold on the couch. And back came another memory.
"Mom! wake up!" Sean said nudging his mother as she lay on the couch.
His mother moaned and rolled away from her young son; refusing to be the mother he truly needed at this moment. Sean gave up in frustration and walked into the kitchen to make his own breakfast. He spilled the cereal into the bowl and began the search for some milk in the refrigerator. He found none.
"Beer, beer, beer, oh...and cheese" Sean muttered allowed. 'What a breakfast' he thought to himself, rolling his eyes.
"Hey, little man" Tracker said walking into the kitchen and rubbing Sean's hair with his knuckles.
Sean looked up and frowned.
"Why the long face?"
Sean opened the refrigerator wider so Tracker could look inside. Tracker sighed heavily. "Come on, we'll grab something on the way to school." Sean smiled and grabbed his book bag as he followed Tracker out the door and began their walk towards school, making a stop at the gas station for some breakfast burritos.
Sean opened the door; blank-faced and walked out of Ellie's house.
Ellie watched from her bedroom window as Sean began to walk home in the dark. As he drifted out of view Ellie fell back onto the floor and her smile faded. Here she was, alone in her room, her mother passed out drunk downstairs, and the only person who seemed to understand her at the moment had just gone home. She crawled over to her bed and reached underneath, pulling out a box. It was a simple, wooden, black box.
She lifted the lid carefully and looked inside. Safety pins, needles, box-cutters, razor blade replacements, and a small pocketknife. She'd been collecting them for some time now; since the third cut she made into her arm. She collected them for comfort, and maybe perhaps in case. She had control over her emotions, she had control over her pain, if she wanted to, she could cut right now, as deep or as shallow as she wanted. But she didn't. She couldn't go to school the next day with cuts on her arms, she had an appointment with Sauve.
Her box was different than her CD case she'd modded into something inconspicuous. The box was something special to her. When she was younger, they traveled more for each of her father's different posts. She used to collect things she'd found at each new home, they were still in there, just overtaken by everything else. In the corner of the box she found a small rock from when they were stationed on the Pacific Coast, Greg used to take her to the beach after school and instead of collecting sea shells she'd pick up the rocks smoothed by the waves.
"You're doing better, Ellie she said, I'm proud of you Ellie she said" Ellie said aloud to herself as she walked out of Degrassi Community School after her appointment with Ms. Sauve. " That women just..." Ellie got frustrated. It didn't feel like she was making any kind of progress - with anything. If anything she was more frustrated that her guidance counselor was making assumptions without knowing anything that went on behind closed doors. But that was the point, wasn't it? That she should be telling Ms. Sauve these things? There was so much that could go wrong if she said anything about her mom, and about the things she really thought about, or that she still thought about cutting.
Ellie shook her head to herself and began her walk after school to the station. Things were going amazing at the Co-Op job. Ellie had an amazing abundance of ideas for stories and Caitlin saw a lot of talent, and relied on her. This happened to be the only thing that Ellie held close to her heart, next to her father. This Co-Op job was the stepping-stone for Ellie in terms of her daydreams of writing and filming documentary films or even a series of them.
Ellie smiled as she walked into the conference room and set down her binder as she fell into a chair next to Caitlin.
"Ladies and gentlemen, I think you all know Ellie" Caitlin greeted everyone in the office, "she's got some great ideas about the future as we head into the new year."
Ellie blushed as she smiled a thank you at Caitlin and stood up.
"Take it away Ellie," Caitlin said.
Ellie stood up, she was completely nervous, more so than her interview with Caitlin, weeks earlier. Her palms became so sweaty and her bottom jaw began to quiver as she became apprehensive.
"W-w-well...w-w-we...er...I came up with t-t-this idea..." Ellie was stumbling over her words and took a moment to catch her breath. "For kids, by the kids."
A few of the team members looked confused, but Caitlin was glowing and egged her on. "We create a news show for kids, starring kids, reported by kids... Not only would you be seeing an increase in viewers but you'd be educated the next generation on the news and giving them the opportunity to be the ones sharing it. It's a viable teaching opportunity as well; giving kids who normally wouldn't have the opportunity to get real hands-on experience."
Ellie paused for a moment to make sure everyone was still with her, "We need to put our fingers on the pulse of the next-gen - and they could report on what's important to them and from their peers."
Everyone looked a bit more interested as Ellie smiled, taking a deep breath and finally relaxing, "questions?"
Tomas shifted in his seat before asking, "What kind of news do you think is important to kids?"
Ellie thanked him with a nod, "so I actually took the opportunity the last week at school to poll my classmates on what interests they have about what's going on around us," she passed out some graphs, "while there's a heavy interest in pop culture, there's also a balanced desire to know more about cultural events and current events not limited to but including sports, politics, and international events."
Tomas nodded.
"And the by kids part?" someone else asked.
Ellie nodded, "after being given such an amazing chance to learn how things run in front of and behind the camera here at the station it occurred to me that I shouldn't be the only one benefiting." She went on to explain, "I think opening the doors of the station to aspiring camera operators, newscasters, writers and even researchers would open doors for those, who would otherwise, be locked."
Everyone looked interested, but no one said anything. They sat in silence for a few moments before the head of the station smiled.
"I love it!" he said excitedly. He looked at Caitlin and Tomas, "let's get the ball rolling on this and get some listings out to get some young talent into this station."
Ellie smiled.
She smiled the largest smile she has produced in a while.
"Hey Cameron" Jay said as Sean met up with the gang after school at Jay's place.
Like usual - no parents to be found, but they had the added pleasure of company with Alex and Amy. Alcohol was in abundance. The house was pretty much hazy with smoke as Jay had a tendency to light up just about anything that could be smoked. Sean figured if he showed his face enough this week he could disappear during the weekend and no one would notice he wasn't there.
"So Cameron," Amy slurred as she draped her arm over his shoulders, "where have you been?"
Sean watched as she shifted back and forth on her feet, her drink sloshing back and forth in her red solo cup. Just back and forth. It was hypnotizing him. "Just around," he finally answered. He didn't want to drink tonight. His mind had been hovering over the comment Jay had made the other day in the cafeteria about how much he'd drank. it didn't sit right with him, he really didn't feel like he had but his hangover had told him otherwise.
Control. He needed to stay in control. Sean broke away from Amy, fell back onto the couch, kicked his feet up on the coffee table, and just laid back. He tried his best to ignore everything going on. Amy fell down on the couch next to Sean, nearly spilling her drink on him before giggling, "I've missed you, Sean -" she said bopping him on the nose, "have you missed me?"
Sean rolled his eyes and hoped she was too drunk to notice. He said nothing.
"Have you missed this?" she asked whispering into his ear, and gently nibbling on his earlobe. Sean sucked in a breath as she straddled his lap and chugged the last of her beer and tossed the cup aside. Sean rolled his eyes and picked her up off his lap and set her back down on the couch as he stood.
"No, Amy" he said simply and tried to put some space between them.
Amy pouted and crossed her arms, "You're no fun," she said between hiccups.
"I'm just not interested anymore Amy - don't you remember, you broke up with me."
Amy staggered to her feet, "but you had fun last time."
Sean nodded, "I did -" he said, "last time."
Amy was becoming visibly upset when Jay walked into the conversation, trying to diffuse it. "Cameron, what's goin' on?"
"He-" Amy pointed at him but couldn't finish he sentence before her eyes started to water and she rushed off to the bathroom.
"Way to go Cameron" Jay said laughing, " what did you do? kiss the girl, make her cry?"
Sean rolled his eyes. Being sober while being surrounded by everyone else just made him angry. He just left. Not just the room, he left Jay's house. He didn't even care that it was after curfew. He didn't care that he smelled like weed. He didn't care about anything else until a police car flashed it's lights and pulled up alongside him. He still didn't care when the officer drove him home and waited until Tracker came to the door before leaving. It was the look on Tracker's face when he opened the door to him standing there with a police officer and the red and blue lights flashing on the car behind them, he cared then.
Tracker thanked the officer before he turned around to see Sean sitting like a grump on the couch. "I just didn't want to stay at Jay's with everyone being stupid and shitfaced." Sean looked angry. Tracker actually thought he looked like their father for moment with the scowl on his face, he laughed.
"It's really not that funny, Tracker."
"No it's just - you looked like Dad there for a moment."
Sean side-eyed his brother and tried to hold the grumpy look on his face before he laughed to himself.
The two brothers laughed and joked as they walked to school. Their attention was suddenly diverted as they noticed a ruckus going on at the local bar. Two squad cars had been called. The boys looked at each other and smiled brightly as the same idea popped into their heads.
They rushed over to get a closer look at the fight and watched as a bulk older man with graying brown hair was led out of the bar after starting a fight. Their jaws dropped. The man that was being put into the squad car was the same bulk older man that lived in their home, and provided them with food on the table, or at least was supposed to. The man that was being read his rights was the same man that was their father. Tracker threw his arm around his brother, directed him away from the messy situation, and took him to school.
"is Dad gunna..."
Tracker remembered what it was like picking up their dad at the station. He remembered what it was like when his dad's friends at the station would drop him off after he had too much to drink at the bar instead of letting him drive home drunk. For a moment the flashing lights had him thinking the worse but he was glad the only thing Sean had in common with his father tonight was the look on his face.
Author's Note: updated 07-07-2020
