Numb

You ate your soul and it made you fat
Starve yourself from everything else that
Makes you completely full

            Despite the sudden downpour, everything was great. Usually Ellie enjoyed the rain, but the winter cold made it feel like ice pounding down against her. Everything was looking up, so it seemed. The Co-Op job was going amazing; she was working on gathering some story ideas for the possible new show. She was somehow passing Geometry, not somehow really, she knew why. It was because of all the late night study sessions with Sean. Her mom. Well things could be better in that department. She hadn't stopped drinking but she had slowed it all down. Perhaps Judy just wanted to be sober when Harry walked through the door. Ellie didn't know if he was coming in before the holidays or not, but she hoped so. The holidays were right around the corner, and maybe just maybe she'd be able to get what she wanted from her mother for Christmas.

            Ellie closed the door behind her as she walked into her house. She dropped her bag on the floor near the stairs, began to unwrap her black scarf from around her neck, and peeled off her black tweed jacket and draped them across the couch. She look down at the seat cushions and notice that for once in the longest time since her father left the couch was not occupying the drunken and hung over form of her mother. "Mom!" Ellie called as she walked into the kitchen. Judy was completely happy, a smile was spread across her face as she began cooking dinner.

            "You're cooking" Ellie said surprised.

            "Eleanor you're home!" Judy said happily, hugging her only daughter.

            Ellie was at a loss for words. "Why the sudden burst of soberness?"

            Judy's smile faded, "I'm sorry I haven't been the mother you've needed" and hugged her daugther again. Ellie felt reluctant to believe her mother's apology, but what could she do? This was her mother, and she loved her. Ellie hugged her back. Judy sniffled and smiled happily. " Your father's coming home for a two week leave over the holidays."

            Ellie's face lit up in delight. Daddy's coming home. Ellie suddenly remembered Sean's offer to come over during the break and keep her company. Ellie suddenly hoped that her mother's sudden change in attitude would keep until her father's leave again, and maybe longer than that. " A friend of mine offered to come over during the holidays and keep me company, is that alright?"

            "Of course Eleanor" Judy said turning to the stove. " When is she coming over?"

            " Actually...it's a he and we were hoping maybe his brother could also come for dinner or something, they are alone for the holidays."

            Judy wasn't quite sure of how to answer her daughter's request. The only boy that had ever been over to the house as far as she could remember was Marco. Marco she could trust, as far as what she had known, Marco was gay. A gay boy is no hazard for little Eleanor. Suddenly Judy's mind heaved...

"Eleanor" Judy said trying to stand.

Ellie looked disgusted with her mother. She wished she could push Sean out the door, she didn't want him to see her mother, she didn't want him to deal with her problems. Ellie spun around quick and began to shoo Sean towards the door, " maybe we should do this another time" Ellie said sadly.

" We can't...I mean...I can't Sean said, it's due next week, I have tonight, the weekend, and Monday to do it"

Ellie sighed.

" Please, Ellie, it's alright, you know my parents were just as bad, this isn't a problem you don't need to shelter me from this"

Ellie bit her lip. She could feel the tears welling up in her eyes, but she pushed them to the back of her mind and walked over to her mother and looked at Sean pitifully, " Can you just...help me get her to the couch?"

Sean nodded and set down his things and joined Ellie on the other side of Judy and helped to lift her to her feet. Judy stumbled with the help of Ellie and Sean as they guided her to the couch. She fell back on the couch and grabbed her head with her free hand as she gripped the vodka bottle tightly in the other. Judy slowly closed her eyes and opened them again weakly as she noticed Ellie's hand reach for the bottle in an attempt to pry it from her hands. Judy held on tight, pulled the bottle into her chest, and coddled it against her breasts.

Sean gently grabbed Ellie's arm and gave her a pleading look. "El... just let her go, you can take care of it later, she's not going anywhere."

            " I've met him before haven't I?" Judy asked.

            Ellie nodded, "briefly" she muttered, "he won't be much trouble I promise" Judy sighed and agreed to let Sean and Tracker come over for the holidays. Deep down Judy had something against Sean, maybe it was because he was a boy invading her little girl's space, or maybe it was just the fact that he was not Marco, Marco she could trust, Marco was not interested in girls, in Ellie. Sean? She wasn't sure where Sean lied in her daughter's life. Maybe she was just beginning to become the overprotective mother she should have been every time her husband left on a mission. She heard Ellie's voice, but didn't quite understand what she was saying.

            "Excuse me?" Judy asked.

            " You're burning the chicken" Ellie said as she looked at her mother funny. Judy quickly removed the pan from the burner and looked disappointedly down at the pan of burnt chicken.

            "I'm sorry Eleanor"

            Ellie smiled and reassured her mother that it was alright, " Let's just go down to the dot for some burgers."

            " Sure thing, my treat then" Judy insisted, as she turned off the stove and grabbed her car keys off the counter as she ushered Ellie out the door, grabbing her coat in the process.

***

            "What happened to you the other night?" Jay asked Sean as they shot a few hoops outside the school. Towerz sat against the fence nursing a hangover from the night before. Sean received a bounce pass from Jay and he took a quick lay-up and rebounded his own basket, passing it back to Jay.

            " I felt crowded, needed a break" Sean breathed as he pulled off his shirt, tossing it aside.

            " What did you do to Jules?, she locked herself in my guest room and didn't come out all night after you left..." Jay asked taking a jump shot.

            Sean shook his head, "I wasn't up messin' with her Jay, I'm not into her, it's wrong" Sean rebounded the basket and dribbled out to the three point line and poised himself ready in front of Jay, ready to drive it to the hole.

            " So who are you into then? that poser chick Ellie?" Sean stopped dribbling and stood up straight.

            " Dude, she's not a poser"

            " Whatever you say, she's messed up man, hangs out with that fag Marco"

            Sean began to dribble again and took Jay to the hole hard, knocking him down as he jumped up making the lay-up easily.

            " Dude, watch it!" Jay shouted angrily.

            " No man, you watch it...so what Marco's a fag, what does that have to do with anything?" Sean said angrily grabbing his rebound and holding it under his arm. " Well, Jay you gunna answer me?"

            " Nothin' man" Jay answered slowly climbing to his feet. " nothin'"

            " Good" Sean said angrily and threw the ball hard at Jay, walking out of the schoolyard, grabbing his shirt on the way.

            Sean was pissed off. Jay and Towerz were once people he thought understood him, that totally got him. Now here he was walking away from those two people. What did he ever see in them ever? His thoughts ran across the paths he had chosen and the one he was walking off of looked so dark and desolate. He remembered all the things he would do with Jay and Towerz. They'd end up drinking, getting high, messing around with girls he barely knew. They would steal, cheat, skip school, was this a path worth walking down? Sean zipped up his hoodie and dug his hands deep into his pockets. Where was he going now? Home? Could he actually call it home, I mean no mom and dad, just Tracker, was that a home? Was that a family? Sean was lost. I guess all he really wanted was a compass to show him which way to go.

            He walked up the steps of his home and walked into the house. There he found Tracker sitting on the couch, resting his feet up on the coffee table. Sean closed the door, walked into the living room, and fell down on the couch next his brother. "How was basketball?" Tracker asked.

            Sean shrugged. "Okay I guess"

            " I got a call from Raditch today"

            Sean groaned, " what does the Hitler want?"

            " Nice to see you're paying attention in history" Tracker said laughing, " You skipped another detention, Raditch wants you there not next Saturday but the one after in the morning for a few hours for a Saturday detention."

            " Are you kidding me?" Sean asked angrily. " I am not wasting a Saturday on some stupid detention."

            " yes I'm kidding" Tracker said sarcastically, " Not only does Raditch want you there, I want you there, you can't keep getting into trouble Sean"

            " It's a Saturday Track...he can't keep us in school on a Saturday" Sean argued.

            " Well he said you might say that...and here's the ultimatum, you skipped a weeks worth of detention, you put in this Saturday and you're slate is wiped clean."

            Sean thought for a moment. One Saturday detention or another weeks worth...

            " fine..." Sean muttered, "what time on Saturday?"

            "seven in the morning, as long as one school day, so you'll be down around three at the latest" Tracker concluded.

            Sean groaned and lifted himself off the couch and brooded to his room where he flipped on his stereo and fell face first on his bed, drowning himself in music. He had borrowed another CD from Ellie and let is play himself to sleep. It made him smile, the band's name was My Chemical Romance it was such a poetic name, and their lyrics were just the same, it some how made him understand Shakespeare better, he began to see the stanza's of sonnets and monologues as lyrics to beautiful songs and the lyrics of songs to be poems.

Late dawns and early sunsets, just like my favorite scenes
Then holding hands and life was perfect, just like up on the screen
And the whole time while always giving
Counting your face among the living

Up and down escalators, pennies and colder fountains
Elevators and half price sales, trapped in by all these mountains
Running away and hiding with you
I never thought they'd get me here
Not knowing you changed from just one bite
I fought them all off just to hold you close and tight

But does anyone notice?
But does anyone care?
And if I had the guts to put this to your head...
But would anything matter if you're already dead?
And should I be shocked now by the last thing you said?
Before I pull this trigger,
Your eyes vacant and stained...

But does anyone notice?
But does anyone care?
And if I had the guts to put this to your head...
And would anything matter if you're already dead?
And now should I be shocked by the last thing you said?
Before I pull this trigger,
Your eyes vacant and stained...
And in saying you loved me,
Made things harder at best,
And these words changing nothing
As your body remains,
And there's no room in this hell,
There's no room in the next,
And our memories defeat us,
And I'll end this direst.

But does anyone notice?
But does anyone care?
And if I had the guts to put this to your head...
But does anything matter if you're already dead?
And should I be shocked now by the last thing you said?
Before I pull this trigger,
Your eyes vacant and stained...
And in saying you loved me,
Made things harder at best,
And these words changing nothing
As your body remains,
And there's no room in this hell,
There's no room in the next,
But does anyone notice there's a corpse in this bed?

It was something about the poetic justice of the lyrics and the way the lead singer threw so much emotion into singing that threw Sean over the top. This song once again reminded him of Emma. He thought they were really something, but they got thrown off track. He always believed Emma and him would be together for a while. This song expelled every thought in Sean's head about what had happened between them. He hated that they had broken up, and then the way that she seemed to move on so quick. Sure he was happy for her, who wouldn't be, Chris wouldn't mess up her life. There was no more room in that hell, in this hell for Emma and Sean. And most definitely she was more so in heaven than being taunted in hell. Was Sean really in hell? "Am I really here" he thought as the lyrics drowned him in a sleep. "I have Ellie" he whispered to himself. " I can't be that far gone...

***

A/N: Sorry it took me sooo long. I've been busy, more or less...okay really I have no clue. I was trying to write but I wasn't up for it...I've been trying to keep myself sane in all my classes and not skip restricted study hall first periods on ACE days...which is tuffff to do. But in other news I managed to get my privelages back! yay!!! which means I can go out for lunch. But there's a catch...you see I skipped first period restricted for 10 days so I have to make it up, according to my principal...it's not tooo hard, atleast I can leave for lunch...but I do miss sitting with my gang at the table...it was fun: Me, Alan, Dave, Adam, and that kid making fun of Chelsea...(I love Chelsea...she just loves to talk about male extremities faaaar too much) I do miss them....yea, I'm rambling...the long awaited KISS will be coming up soon. I promise!!!!

Quick Thanks: trucalifornian, Quiet110, darkstorm5000, JustAnotherDream, bookdragon14, Not an Angel, musikchik, kazukizaki1, piercedTongue, and Poppyseed

pickledxwriter: yea....I think that might be a bit extreme, I wouldn't want Ellie to go off the deep end or something. But she really wouldn't be an orphan, I'm sure since her father is in the army and what not they would take care of her or something...just not what I have in mind. but I'm still open for suggestions

orange crush3: dollllllll you need to update your story instead of dabbling with Marco/Dylan stuff...although I did love it alot, so cute...just thought I'd leave you something look forward to when you read my little stuff...we can be trendy and talk in our review responses *laughs *

to MY KNIGHT(s) 3!!!! Arthur luv, this is for you, but you have to share it with Joe! Joe hun, your the other friend that I loveth to death! Thank you for telling me I'm strong enough....*kisses * ....

For Arthur and Joe!!!!