Numb

Give me all your fear, throw it away
Think about the good things, no matter what they say
We'll take tomorrow baby
One day at a time
Butch Walker / One Day at a Time

It had been a good while since Ellie had seen her father.

As much as she loved her mother, her father played the sun in her sky.

Ever since she was young, Ellie could always remember her father teaching her to be herself and respect others. He used to tell Ellie that she was part of her own militia, her very own general, and what she wore was her uniform. He had so much love for Ellie and so much respect to see her do what she was capable of doing to the best of her abilities. Ellie fidgeted in the office at the military base tugging at her black arm stockings and fixing the waistband of her flowing, short black skirt over her ripped blue jeans. Playing with the hem of her black lacy top she felt her mother grab her hand tightly and squeeze. Ellie wasn't the only one who was excited about her father's homecoming. Ellie looked over and smiled at her mother. She looked like a real June Cleaver today. Her mother was sober today, one week sober. Sometimes she wondered if her mother would make it.

Greg Nash burst through the doors of the office excitedly and dropped his bag on the floor. He looked tired, worn out, and energized all at the same time. A smile drew across his face as his gaze fell upon "the two most beautiful women in my life" he said brightly rushing up to the both of them, enveloping them in his strong arms.

Ellie was producing the largest smile he had seen in the longest time.

Judy was nearly in tears as she drove the family home. She was trying to explain to Greg how turbulent his time away had been. He looked from Judy to Ellie, who struggled to follow her mother's story. It was full of a lot of holes that she couldn't explain her way out of, and things Ellie was sure she was just completely made up. Greg felt his heartbreak. He knew Judy had a tendency to drink too much when he was gone for long periods of time. She'd done it before, the last time did not have the same echoing results but was just as overbearing on Ellie as ever.

Of course, neither still knew of Ellie's self-injury, and that was eating away at Ellie.

She wanted to spill her guts, but ruin the perfect family image happening with her father being home, never.

Dinner went well, Judy managed to cook a feast in honor of the king arriving home. Ellie was sitting in a guilt-ridden silence through dinner as she sat at the table answering questions about how great life had gone while her father was away. Although Judy remained completely untouched by the guilty tone in Ellie's lying, Greg did not. He knew his daughter better than anyone else in the world, and he could tell by the tone in her voice, and the look in her eyes that she was in pain, in pain no matter how much life seemed to be looking up at the moment. Greg watched as his daughter excused herself to her bedroom. Even Judy seemed to notice that Ellie seemed a bit distant, especially with her father being home. He found himself lightly kissing Judy on the cheek and following his daughter up to her room.

Ellie was sitting in the nook of window seat starring out the window into the dark night sky. Her bare feet grazing against the warmth of the window seat covers. Next to her feet rested her small wooden black box. Greg slowly opened the door to Ellie's room and stood in the glowing doorway.

"Ellie, honey...are you okay?" Greg asked as she walked across to room and sat on the edge of the window seat. Ellie just looked over at her father and nodded silently. Greg didn't buy her silence for one moment. " Ellie you've been quiet since you picked me up, whenever I come home your always a ball of sunshine."

Ellie shrugged, "just completely worn out" Ellie muttered unsure of herself.

" I find that hard to believe"

"Well, believe it," she said feigning a smile.

Greg frowned. He'd never seen her so distant. He looked at her, her red hair in plaits. He seemed to remember when she was a young child, her wild red hair a match of her wild personality, clutching his legs, coming to him when she'd get a boo-boo. "I refuse to believe it, I've known you your entire life."

Ellie tried to laugh but ended up in tears as she leaned forward and pressed her sobbing face into her father's chest. Greg seemed a bit taken aback as his Ellie fell into his arms.

"Daddy, Daddy!" a tiny little girl called out, her voice racked with sobs. Her wild red hair in a disarray of pigtails as she rushed to him in her unique outfit of tight leggings, a skirt, a gray batman tee-shirt, and mismatched shoes, all topped off with a pink cape. Greg hated to see his little girl in tears. Greg scooped the little girl up in his arms and spun her around before sitting down, with her on his knees.

" Ellie, my love, what's wrong?"

Ellie sniffled, "I-I-I fell" she cried.

" Oh, well that's nothing Super Dad, can't handle," Greg said kissing her scraped up knee. Ellie sniffled and stopped her crying as she bounced up and down on her daddy's knee. Ellie began to smile as Greg slipped her down from his knee and skipped off to play in the back yard.

" I-I-I fell" she cried into his shirt. Greg looked at his daughter confused until she pulled away and rolled up her sleeves. His eyes widened as his eyes stumbled across the scars on her arms and then the four fresh new cuts that had just now begun to stop bleeding.

"Oh, Ellie," he said hugging his daughter tight. "When did this start?"

Ellie choked back a sob, "after you left, there was just so much" she sniffled and wiped her eyes, "it just made everything feel better."

"It's okay," he said rocking her back and forth, smoothing her hair. " The rest of your cuts look old, but these are new, why did you ..."

" Everything's been going well lately, too good actually, I just knew something was going to happen, I just didn't want to wait"

"It's okay Ellie, we'll get you help"

" I have been getting help...I just stumbled a bit" she said slowly breaking away from her tears.

" Does your mother know?"

Ellie shook her head.

"Know what?" Judy asked, standing in the doorway, looking a bit scared.

Greg looked at his daughter, "tell her Ellie"

Ellie took a deep breath, " I-I-I've been hurting myself"

Judy looked on confused, and it took her a second too long to respond as Greg noticed her resistance to comfort their daughter.

It was Judy who began to cry next, harder than Ellie had. "This is all my fault" she cried.

"It's not anyone's fault but mine" Ellie answered, not wanting her mother to feel guilty. " I was the one hurting myself, I didn't have to, but I did"

Ellie felt a wave of strength wash over her. She felt a bit more relieved than she ever had when she'd trace her arm with a box cutter. Greg was watching his girls carefully as he felt a punch to his gut that there was something truly wrong about the picture he was sitting before. He had to wonder what his time away had really don't to Ellie, that Judy's tale of their separation wasn't exactly the whole story. He looked at Ellie - who looked in that moment relieved to have the pressure she was carrying off her chest.

Ellie felt grateful to have both her parents supporting her - but at the end of the day, she knew the second her father was back in the middle east her mother would be back on the bottle. Ellie wasn't the only one that needed help.


"You up to practicing our song for the Holiday Pageant?" Craig asked Ashley, kissing her cheek.

Ashley smiled.

It had been a while since the two could spend any quality time together. For some strange reason Craig just always seemed to be busy. Ashley wasn't one to question; she was always very trusting when it came to relationships, and sometimes it was even she who couldn't be trusted. She only ever had one successful relationship with Jimmy and she threw that away for a bit of fun one night, mostly because of Paige's influence to stop being so boring. She was happy. She had the school heartthrob; he was musically talented and completely passionate. She figured that as long as she remained loyal and faithful, and completely trustworthy nothing would ever go wrong.

" Yea, did you finish the chords for the chorus?" Ashley asked as she looked over her lyrics.

" Um...yea?" Craig asked himself questionably. Ashley laughed. What she didn't know was that it was not much of a laughing matter. Craig felt guilty, but completely guilty, he had spent all his free time lately with Manny his garage rather than with his guitar working on the song. He leaned back on the couch in the garage and strummed the guitar lightly, plucking a few strings until he found the ones he liked that worked the song to its fullest potential.

Ashley sat down on the couch and leaned back. " You know what Craig...I'm really not up for practicing," she said with a smirk. Craig raised an eyebrow in interest.

" Oh really?"

" Really," Ashley said tugging at his shirt and heatedly kissing him. Craig smiled playfully as Ashley's lipped remained pressed to his and wrapped his arms around her and wrestled with her mischievously on the couch. The door to the garage silently opened a crack and Manny stood there watching as Craig and Ashley were playfully making-out on the couch. She felt a pang of hurt. But they were two kinds, one for the heartbreak of seeing Craig, someone she was madly in love with, passionately involved with another girl. The other pang of hurt was that she felt guilt for, for weaseling her way in between Craig and Ashley. She slowly closed the door, careful not to make a sound. Shoving her hands deep into the pockets of her winter jacket she walked home as the blistering wind whipped at her nose and cheeks, burning them to a stinging pink.


Sean and Tracker were sitting in the living room watching a movie. It was a lazy way to spend the evening and they both knew it. Jay and Towerz had called earlier begging Sean to come out and play. Sean turned them down, pretending to be sick. Sean wasn't quite sure what they were watching, but whatever it was it was "boring the hell out of me" he muttered.

"It's a classic" Tracker argued.

"In what century, Tracker?"

"This one...I can't believe you don't like this movie?"

"It's boring me to death, what's it even about"

Tracker sighed and rolled his eyes, ignoring his brother's comments about the movie. "It's Dune," Tracker said just pointing at the television.

"Is that supposed to mean something to me?" Sean laughed.

Tracker shook his head as Sean tried to pay attention he heard someone knock on the door. "You get it" Tracker muttered, not wanting to miss the movie. Sean groaned and got to his feet, walking over to the door and slowly opening it.

There stood Ellie, her eyes puffy and red from crying.

"Are you okay?" Sean asked opening the door wider and letting her in, closing the door behind her. She threw her arms around his neck and held on as if her life depended on it. He led her to the couch and sat her between him and Tracker as the television shut off.

" Ellie are you okay?" Tracker asked.

" I told my parents," she said shakily.

" How did they take it?" he asked.

" well" she answered, "they took it well"

Ellie leaned her head against Sean's chest. Tracker seemed to get the hint and headed into the kitchen. Sean eased Ellie up from the couch and led her to his room where his flicked on the light and she fell onto his messy bed. His room was a mess; it wasn't just his bed. He had clothes strewn all over the place and his posters decorated his walls to the point where nothing to could be seen behind them. It was a sharp contrast to her own room that was always kept neat and tidy.

Sean walked over to his beat-up stereo and slipped in a CD he had picked up the day before and pressed play.

" What are you playing?" Ellie asked leaning up on her elbows.

" I picked it up yesterday, I think you'll like it"

Suddenly sound burst out of the stereo and Ellie smirked. She recognized the sound clip from the movie Hook and immediately recognized the band: Rufio. Ellie jumped to feet on Sean's bed and swayed with the drums and guitar as the echoed through Sean's room. She smiled as she began to sing the lyrics to Sean.

If I was to walk till time saw no end.
If I was to climb till the air was too thin.
I could not find a picture fit the frame.
As perfect as you.
As perfect as you.

Sean felt a sense of pride as had picked something Ellie knew and liked.

You showed me life and lived nothing less.
Yet you're so above me.
I'll take my time your memory is bliss.
The angel above me.

When I look at the stars they shine of your eyes.
The sky it burns bright with your presence tonight.
Yet you're so above me and I cannot fly.
To the angel above me I long to be with. With.

He watched as she sang along through the entire song, her face lit up with a smile that he had put there. He crossed his arms in amusement as he watched her switch from a an air guitar serenade to her drumming along, her hair coming loose from her perfect plaits as she banged her head to the music.

When I look at the stars they shine of your eyes.
The sky it burns bright with your presence tonight.
'Cause your so above me and I cannot fly.
To the angel above me I long to be with. With.

Angel above me. (1)

Sean smiled as Ellie hit the last line "Angel above me" and collapsed on his bed, her face red from the strenuous extent of her activities. Sean sat down on the bed next to her and both of them completely ignored the continuing songs on the CD. "I see my taste in music is rubbing off on you," Ellie said laughing, looking over at Sean. They seemed to sit in silence, despite the rumbling of Sean's stereo. All Ellie saw was a sparkle in Sean's eyes, and all Sean seemed to see was Ellie. Just Ellie. Ellie's eyes were outlining the shape of Sean's face, his eyes, and his lips. She found herself biting her tongue, to resist the urge to jump on him and allow her lips to break her fall on his lips. Sean laid back on the bed and turned to face Ellie, their noses almost touching.

"El" he whispered softly.

"Sean" she whispered back.

Sean quickly pressed his lips to Ellie's and her heart began to race. She didn't know how long she had waited for that moment. Their lips parted and Ellie just stared at him silently but in her head, "I've been wondering what it would be like to kiss Sean, and now I know..."(2)

"Um...I'd hate to interrupt," Tracker said knocking and opening the door, "but...Ellie is past ten, and you have school tomorrow, I think your parents might want you home"

Sean looked at his brother as he had just completely ruined the moment.

"Sean...walk her home," Tracker said with a smirk. Sean just knew, that this time he walked her home there would be the sweetest kiss goodnight waiting on her front porch.

Author's Note: updated 07-26-2020

(1) Rufio, Above Me

(2) GH Episode from December 2-3, 2004 (Sam had been wondering what it would be like to kiss Jason; spoiler it makes her feel dizzy)