Numb
So you run, so you hide,
and you watched as they die,
they all fell, you could fall too,
or you could sew your wings and try to fly right through
Butch Walker / One Day at a Time
Ellie woke up in one of the best moods she had been in for a while. She smiled to herself as she sat in her bed, cuddled by her thick red comforter, and surrounded by the softness of her pillows as the sun gleamed through the window and fell onto her smiling face. Was everything this picture-perfect? Her father was home; her mother was still sober. It wouldn't last forever, but for the moment, it was great.
The only thing that wasn't perfect was the fact that after this holiday break her father would return to the middle east- her mother would eventually fall back into her drunken depression, and scars would ultimately litter her arms.
But why complain? She had a boyfriend, or did she? Just because you kiss a boy doesn't make him your boyfriend. It was that statement, that idea, which made the frown appear on Ellie's face as she crawled out of bed and slumped to the bathroom. Just looking in the mirror it looked as though she had an amazing night of sleep. "Maybe Sean should kiss me goodnight every night," she thought to herself as she reached for her toothbrush and smeared toothpaste across the bristles and brushed her teeth humming to herself a little bit of Rufio.
"Angel above me" she sang spitting into the sink, rising off her toothbrush and resting back in its cradle. She continued to hum as she unbraided her hair and shook her hair loose. She spun around and turned on the water in the shower until the bathroom was shrouded in a warm mist. Ellie slowly stripped out of her sweats and climbed into the shower, letting the steamy water rush over her still tired body. She felt her fingers gently trace over her scars as they rested on her arms. She opened her eyes and felt herself smile. She wouldn't let herself be ashamed of them, "they are my battle scars" she said to herself as she washed her hair and quickly finished her shower, grabbing one towel from the hook and wrapping her hair into a turban, the other around her body. She stepped out of the shower, picked up her clothes and walked back down the hall to her room.
Ellie's bare feet felt cold against the hardwood floors of her room as she dumped her clothes in her hamper and wandered over to her dresser. She pulled out a pair of ripped blue jeans, a long-sleeved black t-shirt, and a tight black band t-shirt emblazed with a picture of a woman and the words: Caught in Yesterday written in script across the front. She continued to hum to herself as she threw on her clothes, slipped on her combat boots, before returning to the bathroom to dry her hair. She threw her hair up messily and quickly applied a bit of her trademark dark eye makeup before grabbing her bookbag and practically skipped down the stairs.
From the foyer she could smell breakfast cooking in the kitchen and smiled. "Today will be a good day" she said to herself and sat down at the kitchen table. Her father smiled as he set down the newspaper. He was, for once, dressed out of his military uniform and in a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. Her mother turned around from the stove and slipped some pancakes on Ellie's and Greg's plates before returning to the stove to make more.
"You look like you're in a good mood this morning" Greg mentioned as she covered his pancakes with syrup.
"One of the best," Ellie answered as she spread a small amount of butter over her pancakes.
"Does it have anything to do with the fact that I'm home, or that you took off last night to see a friend?" her father asked.
"A little of both"
"You never told us Eleanor, who did you need to go visit so desperately last night?" her mother asked serving herself some pancakes and sitting down at the table.
"Sean" Ellie answered, " you remember him right?...you said him and his brother could come over during the holidays and we could show them a real family gathering," Ellie said, emphasizing the family gathering with slight sarcasm.
"Oh yes...why did you need to go see him so badly?" Judy asked cutting her breakfast carefully. " He doesn't know about..."
"My cutting?" Ellie finished for her, " yes,...he does actually"
"But how?" Judy asked frightened for her position in the community and as a mother. After all, how would it look if the neighborhood found out her only daughter was cutting herself.
"He found out on his own, don't worry mother, it's not like I go around advertising it" Ellie answered.
"Ellie can you not talk to your mother with such an attitude," Greg asked politely.
Ellie blushed, she'd almost forgotten her father was home and her mother was sober. " Sorry" she answered. She'd gotten so accustomed to her mother not responding that she never realized how mean she came across. The attitude that she had - the metaphorical chip on her shoulder.
"So this...boy...Sean...are you..."Greg began stuttering over words. He wasn't used to his daughter "seeing boys."
"No..." Ellie said unsure of herself before feeling guilty. "What if we are...and I just lied..." she thought to herself. She looked up at the clock and groaned. "I've got to go, I don't want to be late for school" she said before excusing herself from the table.
Ellie grabbed her messenger bag and slipped it over her shoulder before grabbing her CD player and rushing out the door, slipping the headphones over her ears. Her ears throbbed in heaven as the music pounded through the headphones into her ears as her feet collided with the sidewalk on her way to school.
Oh, it's so hard to have someone to love
And keeping quiet is hard
Cause' you can't keep a secret
If it never was a secret to start
At least pretend you didn't want to get caught
Ellie hopped her head as she got lost in the lyrics, not even realize that Sean had been rushing to catch up with her for a block and a half. As the music picked up for the first time in the song it coincided with Sean nearly shouting at the top of his lungs to grab her attention. He chased after her curiously as he noticed her relaxed look. He'd been so used to her typical uniform but today was different - jeans and a t-shirt; even her hair was different, a simple messy bun.
We're concentrated on falling apart
We were contenders
Now we're throwing the fight
I just want to believe
I just want to believe
I just want to believe, in us (1)
"Ellie!" Sean shouted as he grabbed her by the shoulder. She seemed to be living in her own little world when she had her headphones on. She hadn't even noticed his presence or the fact that he had been following her for most of her walk. She seemed to be living on cloud nine. Ellie's eyes opened up wide as she returned to the real world, slipping her headphones down around her neck.
"Sorry," she said sheepishly, flashing him a smile.
Sean just laughed. " You look chipper this morning," he said cocking his head to the side as he took in this relaxed version of herself, "...what gives? what happened to moody Ellie?"
Ellie tucked a loose hair behind her ear and flirted back, "she met a really hot guy..." she said looking off wistfully, " he makes her happy."
"Well, where is he, I'll beat him up, no one changes my Ellie" Sean said jokingly, as he looked around, pressing his hands on her shoulders and jumping up into the air to get a good look at the mystery man. Ellie just laughed.
" so I'm your Ellie now?" she asked smirking.
Sean calmed down and blushed. He dug his hands deep into the pockets of his dark blue jeans and felt his ears burning. " Only if you want to be" he said quietly. " But I wouldn't want you to ruin things with that really hot guy you m-"
Sean was cut off by Ellie's lips resting on his. Sean raised his eyebrows and smiled as they pulled away, "well I guess that's a yes...but what will we tell the really hot guy you..."
Ellie punched him gently in the arm.
"Ow" he whimpered rubbing his arm, " That's it...I don't do abusive relationships" he said jokingly. Ellie rolled her eyes and began to walk away. Sean ran and grabbed her arm spinning her around, " but I guess I'll make an exception for you, Miss Nash," he said sweetly and kissed her.
"P-D-A" shouted Jay laughing with Towerz as they sat on the steps to the school. Sean pulled away and rolled his eyes.
"I'll see you later?" he asked pleading with his eyes.
Ellie nodded, "In the library during study hall, you need to finish your assignment for Kwan." Sean nodded and jogged off to join Jay and Towerz as they walked into the school. She felt a nudge as Marco snuck up beside her after linking his arm with hers. She could feel him smiling a whole in the side of her head, "Can I help you?" she asked as she glanced over at him while he restrained a squeal of joy inside his body.
"So?" he whispered as they walked into geometry class.
Ellie looked at him with a wondering look on her face as she slipped into her seat next to Marco. The bell rang and Mr. Armstrong began to teach today's lesson. Ellie looked over at Marco and scribbled down some words, folding it up and slipping the note discreetly to Ellie.
Els...I saw you this morning...you and
Ellie smiled and laughed silently to herself and scribbled a response.
and what exactly did you see Mr. Del-Rossi?
Marco smiled wide.
a nice little kiss between the two of you...care to explain?
Ellie rolled her eyes.
not really...but I'm afraid if I don't you'll be pestering me til media immersions
Marco laughed.
true that...
Ellie smiled.
me and ...seem to be together, I'm not sure totally, I'm pretty sure...
Marco laughed to the point where he didn't know if he could hold it in anymore.
you don't think he's using you to cover up his homosexuality do you?
Ellie released an angry laugh.
not funny!
Marco smiled.
I know Els...so...you've got yourself a little bf?"
Ellie smiled.
I think so...just don't go spreading rumors...
Marco looked shocked.
Moi? Spread Rumors? Never...that's Paige you want to talk to...
Ellie shook her head.
"Mr Del-Rossi, Miss Nash, would you care to stop passing notes and pay attention?" Mr. Armstrong asked. Ellie found herself slinking deep into her chair, turning a bright shade of red as Marco stuttered out an apology.
"So you've got yourself a little girlfriend, Cameron?" Towerz asked slugging Sean in the arm. Sean rolled his eyes and pushed Towerz away as Jay slung an arm over the boys shoulder.
"Now Seanie Boy... what do you see in poser chick?" Jay asked.
Sean felt himself burning an angry red as Jay insulted Ellie. But was acting out worth losing two of the only friends he had left in the school? Sean decided it was best to remain as calm as he could, while still sticking up for his girlfriend. Girlfriend? God, it felt so good to call her that. "well...let's start with the fact that she's not a poser...?" Sean said asking Jay if he understood.
"Whatever Sean, she dresses like a poser, she acts like a poser, she's a poser" Jay answered as they walked towards shop class.
" Dude...you keep using that word, and I don't think you know what it means," he said calmly clapping Jay on the back. The ending of SLC:Punk! had left him fuming whenever anyone used the word poser. Ellie wasn't punk for fashion - she was just Ellie.
Jay laughed, " Alright Sean you've got me there."
Sean nodded. "Anything else you want to know?"
" How is she in the sack?...a boy would I like to tap that ass," he said laughing.
Sean looked absolutely furious. If he didn't want to risk losing a few friends he would have punched Jay in the face, but all he could mutter was, " dude...it's not like that at all"
Shop class was turning into an interrogation before Mr. Ehl could control the group and get them started on the day's lesson. But all Sean could think about was Ellie.
Author's Note: updated 07-29-2020
(1) Brand New okay I believe you, but my Tommy gun don't
