Numb
they turn the lights down low,
in shadows hiding from the world,
only coming out when it gets cold
Rise Against / Like the Angel
Sean stumbled in through the front door; in blatant disregard of what Tracker may think.
He didn't care one bit.
He felt completely free and released from the pressure that was being put on him at school and at home and from his friends. He was sick of trying to be perfect for all of them. He just wanted to be himself. This is where you can insert the drastic change in the version of Sean that Emma had met. Two years ago Sean showed up on Tracker's doorstep, his parents had practically abandoned him to live with his brother. He was trying to be good, scared that Tracker would turn his back on Sean. But Tracker knew you can't turn your back on family. So Sean loosened up. And in this transition to find himself, Emma no longer found the Sean she once loved.
It's tough these teenage years when people like Sean try to figure themselves out. He's not the only one that stumbled through life. He'd noticed the way everyone else at school was changing. Manny was growing up into a beautiful young woman, trying to play the role but she was still the naive girl she'd always been. Emma was becoming more opinionated and independent and standing firm on what she believed was right and wrong; there was no wiggle room. Spinner had found his place amongst his peers, and even Paige had grown up. Ashley was changing the most out of everyone. He remembered how much that party going into the summer of last year had changed things for both of them. He'd hoped there may have been something more between the two of them but Ashley was in a constant crisis of faith with herself, her personal style and image changing constantly over the first few months back at school. He saw a positive change when he noticed her spending more time with Craig and Ellie.
Then there was Ellie. Ellie was just as lost as him. Wanting to break the conformed mold of what they thought perfect was.
Sean smiled dopily as she stumbled through the small apartment.
Ellie was a rebel.
Sean was a rebel.
He found his mind drifting to a concept in grade nine physics: opposites attract, like charges repel. So why wasn't Ellie repulsed by Sean? Why didn't he and Emma fit anymore? It didn't matter. Rebels break rules. He and Ellie were breaking the rules. She never looked down on him for hanging with Jay, even though she disliked him. She never looked down on him for drinking, even though she didn't like the idea that he could turn into his parents or someone like her mother. She never looked down on him as a person.
She liked to say to him: "What people do doesn't make them who they are." Sean wasn't sure what she meant then, but he understood it now. Sean fell onto his bed, still in his clothes from the day. He stared at the ceiling blankly. Still thinking of Ellie. Would she still not look down on him if she knew he stole Mr. Simpson's computer?
Inside he felt his heart shatter at the thought that Ellie could, or would hate him. He knew Emma would. Sean slowly closed his eyes and drifted off into sleep. Not remembering the events of the night.
"Have another Sean" Jay said pushing another drink into his hands. Sean gave a shaky glance at the beer in the cup and was wondering whether he could control himself tonight. Not wanting to be a drag he took the cup but refused to drink. It would be his third glass tonight. The aroma of the alcohol reached his nostrils and he found himself wanting more. He began to have a battle of reason inside his head between his brain and his heart. Needless to say, his heart lost; his brain gave into the chemical need for the beer and he chugged another cup.
" Hey Sean" Amy muttered seductively. She had this look in her eye. She wanted him so badly tonight, and considering he wasn't sober, he wouldn't spurn her like last time. Sean cocked his head in recognition and stumbled to get away. " No, Sean don't go, I just want to talk." she lied well.
'She's lying' Sean thought to himself, 'but she's such a good liar.' Sean sighed and agreed to head upstairs to Jay's parents' bedroom to talk with Amy. As they walked up the stairs she grabbed two more cups and smirked to herself. Sean tossed his empty cup aside and fell back onto the bed. His head was spinning and he was hoping that he wouldn't do anything stupid. But he couldn't guarantee it.
"Where have you been lately Sean?" she asked handing him another cup. He tried to refuse it, but his head wouldn't let him. He needed that glass. He needed that beer. He couldn't control it. Sean took a drink and shrugged.
" I heard you've been seeing this Avril-wannabe," she said slyly, completely putting Ellie down. "What's her name, Ellie?"
"yea, Ellie - but she's much cooler than Avril," he said coyly.
"Oh" Amy said disappointed. Sean was sticking up for her, Amy was losing in the game of seduction. "Well that's cool"
"Yea...very cool," he said trying to not let his drunken stature show through. He stood up to leave and head home. And then pulled on her secret weapon. She started crying. Sean sighed. Because as much as he wanted to be a bad boy, he was really a chivalrous knight. He sat back down on the bed. "What's wrong Amy?"
" You don't want me...You think I'm ugly" she sobbed.
"You're not ugly Amy" he slurred, "but, I don't want you, because I want Ellie."
"What's wrong with me?" she cried.
"Nothing Amy...there's nothing wrong with you" he answered tilting her chin up and helping her dry her oh so fake tears. She sniffled and the sobs died down in her chest.
"Really?" she asked.
"Really" Sean answered.
Amy got the biggest grin on her face and she reached out and grabbed the back of Sean's neck and pulled him close, planting her lips on his and pressuring him into opening his mouth. She drove her tongue inside his mouth. Sean tried his best to stop. He tried pushing her away but his hormones could not be subdued as his body ached for more. He wanted Jules to be Ellie, but his body didn't care. His head once again overruled his heart.
When Sean woke up the next morning with a massive hangover the last thing he remembered from the night before was leaving the party. He had a horrible feeling in his gut that something happened that he would regret. And then he ran down the hall to the bathroom where he threw up in the toilet.
Ellie walked laughing with Marco about the night before in which he had band practice with the guys. Apparently Spinner had finished off five cans of jalapeno spray cheese and was passing gas as Marco so nicely put it, all night long.
"And then" Marco continued, " He was almost to the point of tears, whining about how his ass was on fire from the jalapeno flavoring in the cheese. Ellie's eyes watered from laughter as she caught a glimpse, through the glass windows, of Spinner trying to sit down in homeroom and wincing every time his rear end touched a molecule of the chair. The pair stopped off at Ellie's locker to change a set of books when she noticed Sean down the hall. His head was stuck in his locker as he held his head, looking a sickly green. Ellie gently closed her locker and told Marco she'd see him in homeroom and headed off down the hall to Sean's locker.
"Hey," Ellie said sweetly, tucking her notebooks into her bag as she leaned against the row of lockers next to Sean. Sean turned his head and looked at Ellie. His eyes looked happy; he tried to smile; his body wouldn't let him. He looked so sick. Ellie just wanted to take him home and put him to bed, in a non-sexual way of course. She was hoping that he wasn't seriously ill. "You okay?" she asked.
Sean shook his head. "Hangover" he muttered. Ellie looked a bit disappointed but didn't turn away. She raised her hand up to his forehead and brushed away a bead of sweat from his clammy forehead. Sean calmed at the touch of her hand. His face seemed to gain a bit more of a healthy glow as Ellie ran her hand down his cheek and gently kissed him on the lips.
"Feel better?" she asked, hoping he'd try. Sean nodded. Ellie quickly pecked him on the cheek and rushed down the hall to her homeroom. Amy watched from the end of the row of lockers as Ellie kissed him and hopped off down the hallway.
"Feeling better?" Amy mocked. Sean spun around. He didn't feel like dealing with her. He tried to walk to homeroom but didn't make it very far before the bell rang and Amy grabbed his arm. "wait, can we talk about last night?" she asked.
"As far as I know I don't remember a thing" Sean answered honestly.
" Really, because I remember a whole lot, especially what happened upstairs," she said grinning from ear to ear. " I'm sure I could refresh your memory"
"Well whatever happened, forget it happened, because I don't want to remember."
"That's it Sean? That's all I am to you? A quick fuck and you're done with me?" Amy asked, crying.
She was lying of course. Somewhere in between the kissing and Amy struggling to get his shirt off as they fell back on the bed, he'd mistakenly called her couldn't have that kind of guilt hanging over her head. So this was the only way she could get Sean, by tricking him into it.
"What are you talking about?" he asked, his eyes wide and the sickly green color coming back to his face.
"I'm talking about last night," Amy said drying her fake tears and placing her hands on her hips. Sean looked straight into her eyes hoping to find the slightest glimmer of a lie. And he did. And at that point, Sean walked away. She reached out for him but he spun around and backed her into the lockers, pinning his arms on each side of her, staring straight into her eyes.
"You're lying Amy and I know it. I don't like liars, they make me sick. Now stop fuckin' around with me, because I don't need your petty bullshit" he said simply and calmly, not allowing himself to overreact. He pushed himself away from the lockers and walked down the hall, digging his hands deep into the pockets of his deep blue baggy jeans. His fists balled up, completely stressed.
Ellie walked outside during lunch and found Sean laying face up across a bench outside the school. She walked over to the bench, lifted Sean's head up, and sat down, resting his head back down in her lap. "Feeling better?" she asked.
"Yes, and No" he muttered truthfully. Ellie gently played with his scruffy hair and looked down into his beautiful blue-green eyes.
"What's wrong now?" Ellie asked earnestly.
" Promise you won't hate me?" he asked. Ellie stopped playing this his hair and her heart began to beat quickly. She was scared that he was going to tell her something that could very well break her heart.
"I can't promise anything" she answered, causing him to sigh.
"I was at Jay's house and I was drinking, and well...I think Amy might have kissed me. I really don't remember much of what happened but I know I didn't want it to, I promise you that nothing happened."
Ellie stopped playing with his hair and sat still for a moment, "nothing happened?" she asked.
"I spent the night alone in my own bed," he cleared the air.
"Thanks."
"Thanks?" he asked, "why thanks?"
"Because it's better to hear something from the source rather than the mutated version I'll hear in the hall later this week."
Sean smiled weakly and sat up, leaned over, and kissed Ellie gently on the forehead. From the front of the school, Amy watched with a pang of jealously.
And from across the lot Emma watched in worry. For Ellie.
"Here, listen to this" Ellie said taking her CD player out of her pocket and handing it to Sean.
I'm running a losing race
Your legs aren't the only ones marked up - how many dreams have you chased?
If I could have said this to your face maybe you wouldn't have to write like I do
Except I use paper instead of my body now; it's something you might want to try too
From haikus to horror stories, it's something in our blood that we share
Something in our blood that appears on the surface of our skin when we bring it there (1)
Sean glanced over at Ellie as he listened to the song. He recognized the artist from the first time she started introducing him to music. She nodded as she noticed he recognized Sage Francis through her headphones. As he continued to listen he felt his hangover start to disappear as he found himself distracted by the lyrics, recognizing how relevant they seemed to be to him at this moment.
Author's Note: updated 07-30-2020
(1) Sage Francis Inherited Scars
