Author Note: A lot happens in this chapter, I'm sorry if it's not written as well as my last chapter, but I'll let you be the judge of that. Oh and thank you to all of my reviewers! I wont keep you any longer now, read! And please read the poem I wrote for this, I promise it's not cheesy.
I Love You My Beautiful Broken Angel
Raven's Song
The song behind the tears, the words that weave their fears, the tune that haunts their dreams, but pulses through their hearts with vigorous determination, hope, and the sacrifice of one's self for another. The very definition of what few dare to call- Love.
Raven's song
He was thrown into the dust
Choking there
Bleeding there
He had given all his trust
To be betrayed
To trip and fade
Will she ever understand
That she can't keep him there
Just by clipping his wings
Will she ever know
That though he can't escape
She can never make
That caged bird sing…
Not for her…
And I open wide my arms
How can I hide when he's in danger
And I sacrifice my heart
How can I let him drown in the arms of a stranger
Even if he won't be mine
And he flies away from this land I saved
I won't let myself cry
I'll stay here
A caged bird
Singing every word
I wish he'd say
Ooo…
Oh… my broken angel
If I die please don't cry
I'll still be here
Oh…my beautiful broken angel
This land is immortal
As long as you believe…
I'll free you… my angel
From his shadow land
Where she chains your hand
Oh…broken angel
I love you…I love you…
Oh…beautiful broken angel
I'm broken too
What was this? The slither of ice on my back, the shiver of snowflakes burying me in layers of heat leaching crystals. I tried to move my arm but it felt so heavy, weighed down by a cold, numb embrace. Finally I willed myself to open my eyes and release myself from the world of darkness in my head. All I heard was the sounds of Raven, somehow I knew it was her I was thinking about, digging into my memories. That first night, the night we shared in the snow, but I was alone now. And Raven was nowhere.
The skies were full of sugar cotton clouds, flirting with one another as they danced along through the sky. Snow flakes fell to the Earth so gently, innocently landing onto the perfectly polished blanket of snow that hugged the city where no one walked. But they weren't so innocent, they were killing me, slowly, making me tired and unaware so that I could drift back into my sleep and never wake up.
The sweet memories of Raven faded and flew to the back of my mind replaced with a solid silence that hung in the air threatening to tare everything apart if it wasn't broken.
"Raven?" I whispered. It was all I could say, I couldn't even hear myself I hadn't spoken for so long, my lungs felt like ice had been forming in them all that time I was unconscious, and at the slightest breath the ice began to brake into little shards of glass. It hurt so much to breathe.
"Raven?!" I repeated though I knew no one could answer. Cyborg had taken her far away by now, I bet he wished I'd just die, die and let him be. Why had he done it? I was his best friend…we were best friends and he tried to kill me, out of no where. Was there some sickness, some sickness that took a hold of people and used their love to create hate, used their pain to make them crazy, devoured by some haze of darkness? And maybe that darkness made them like Terra, Cyborg had become Terra, accept when Terra wanted to hurt Raven it was different, she never liked Raven, I was Cyborg's best friend. His buddy… So there had to be some sickness, I had to find any excuse to make myself believe that that wasn't Cyborg trying to kill me. It wasn't. It couldn't be.
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Terra, followed by Slade, walked through the curtains of smoke. Her eyes empty, just as her soul had become. The sun was a ball of icey fire in the sky but its light was cold and could not break through the icey air to the snow coated island that was their home. The Titans raised their heads, peering through the white sky to their enemies, but they were more than enemies now, as far as the Titans were concerned, these two 'people' were murderers.
The Titans, or what was left of them, stared into the cold beady eyes that had shattered their home, their lives. It hurt Raven so much, to see Terra. Everything had gone wrong since they met her, and she knew that, she knew Terra was no good, all along. So why didn't she do something about that sooner. Was there a point to destroying Terra, if Beast Boy was gone, there was no point of any thing to Raven, not then. Hatred rose in her heart but it could not match the amount of pain and sorrow that chipped away at her heart.
Slade stared impatiently at Terra, why wasn't she attacking yet.
"Before I kill you, Raven…" Terra began looking straight into the eyes of Raven. "I must kn-"
"Terra, you are not here to kill Raven, you are here to kill ALL of the Titans!" Slade spit at her, growing impatient.
"I will kill the others, but first Raven, you, Raven…you ruined EVERYTHING FOR ME…" she tried to calm down. "Everything I ever had…" Terra looked toward the ground. "But before I kill you, I must know where Beast Boy is…he's the only thing that matters to me and I know that you know where he is. After all you TOOK him from me! NOW GIVE HIM BACK! Give him back Raven I know you care for him too, if you give him to me I'll spare his life, deal?" Terra sounded aggravated. She was surprised to see that Raven was not afraid or cautious, she was just, sad…every one was just staring at the ground, a tear fell from Raven's cheek and hit the soft snow. There was silence.
"He's not here…" Raven finally broke the silence, Terra only grew more angry.
"Then where IS he?!" Terra screamed and stomped her foot like a little child, no one even stood in a stance to fight her, they all just looked sad.
"He's dead…" Starfire said, for Raven could not, the words echoed so much in Raven's head she wouldn't even notice if she had said them aloud, she probably did about 100 times already. Terra froze, finally feeling the cold that seeped into her skin, what was left of a heart shattered in Terra's chest. She had sold her soul, the only feelings left were her love, well not love any more, a selfish wanting for Beast Boy, and her hatred for everything that stood in her way, namely Raven. That one thing she 'loved' could not be dead. The only reason she was alive was so she could be with him, he couldn't be dead, Trigon had promised her, he promised she could have time to be with him. 'How the HELL CAN HE BE DEAD' She thought and this burned like acid through her veins. Had she been cheated by the Demon? But why should that matter to her, she should be sad because her love was dead. And he'd probably be alive if she had just died and let it be.
"He's not dead, you're lying, you're lying to keep me from finding him. I know you Titans!" Terra's hands clenched into fists. A lie, that's what it had to be, a bloody lie. Her eyes lit with rage and determination, that was it she would have to kill them now. But there was something, something that told her, they weren't lying. Raven had always been the monotone, emotionless goth girl hiding in the shadows. She cared for nothing or so it seemed. So why, why was Raven crying those silent tears? Could Raven cry at something she had made up? Then slowly it came over Terra, she believed it, Beast Boy was dead.
"Raven!" Terra shouted as tears slid down her cheeks. "RAVEN THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!" She screamed and a boulder in the near distance broke into a thousand little pieces. Terra waited for Raven's response, she waited for her to defend herself and blame it on Terra.
"I…I know…" Raven spoke uneasily and she collapsed to her knees, landing on the carpet of white. Terra stared at her in disbelief and for some reason felt angry at Raven for not doing what was expected.
"TERRA" Slade shouted, his patience was lost. "TERRA KILL THEM ALREADY"
"There is no reason left to kill them, I'm going to die again soon, the only reason I was here was to be with Beastboy, ands he's gone…so it doesn't matter any more, do whatever you want to me Slade, my heart is broken and I don't care." She spoke stubbornly and turned her head to face him.
"But you do have a reason to live, you must kill Raven, for Raven is responsible for his death. The death of Raven will be enough to have lived for." Slade tried to manipulate her. He could have killed them himself but he was not ready to abandon his plan, it is more painful to die by the hands of an old friend. Terra turned to look at Raven, rage surging through her veins like lead bullets. Her hands lifted into the air surrounded by golden light and she lifted sharp rocks into the air, holding them above Raven casting a long deep shadow on the girl.
"Go on…" Raven smiled sadly. "I'm already dead inside, release me from my body, so I can be with him, in the sky…" She looked happy in a bittersweet way, her eyes full of sorrow, the snowflakes clinging to her hair. Terra got scared. Raven wanted to die? Was it worth killing Raven if she wanted to die? She held the rocks still over Raven's head, unsure of what she should do.
"Raven, no! It isn-" Cyborg began yelling, this had gone too far, Beast Boy really wasn't dead, he knew that, he was the only one that knew that, he couldn't let Raven die because of something he had said, out of selfishness. But before he could tell her the truth Terra interrupted.
"I think I'll let you live Raven, just to see you SUFFER." Terra spoke through clenched teeth, still crying. She threw the rocks back toward the water and wound up hitting Slade straight into the cold liquid surrounding the island. She didn't care. She cared for nothing now. Nothing. Raven just stared at the ground as every one rushed to the water watching Slade's metal armored body sink, he tried to get out, but the cold was getting to him. They all stared silently down at him, was he dying? For the first time no one was around to help him. Was Slade really so vulnerable to this fate? They had always assumed Robin would be the one to destroy him.
Slade tried to move his arms, he tried to swim to the top, but the water was so cold, it was freezing; literally, a thin layer of ice had already formed at the surface. Water filled into his mask faster then he could catch his breath and that seemed to be the end of it. No one ever knew with Slade, whether he was dead or alive, but he seemed pretty dead to them. The last few bubbles of air had escaped him and floated to the surface popping where the water met the sky.
Terra gazed emotionlessly down into the depths of the water and then to the rest of the Titans. It wasn't the most joyous occasion, the death of their sinful enemy. Starfire and Robin stood there half dead, half dying, Raven collapsed upon the cold merciless Earth, and Cyborg watching her with self hatred and regret. Terra just stood there still, first her love, her only love had died, now she stood above the water that held a man, the man that had forced her into death, and he was dead now. Everything was either dead or dying it seemed, and she felt no more, she hurt no more, loved no more, she was just there. She would just wander until death took her, and even then she would not rest, for she had sold her soul to a demon.
"We can't stand here forever." Robin said. "We have to find shelter from this blizzard, our Tower has to be rebuilt, and we have to call the police so they can make sure he's really..." Robin didn't finish, instead he took Starfire's hand as they all gazed back to their shattered home. Slowly every one silently agreed, accept Terra, they would just leave her there, maybe hoping she'd die in the snow. Cyborg walked over to Raven and picked her up, she didn't resist, but he could tell she'd rather stay there and burry herself in the ice. Still he couldn't let her do that, none of them could.
Her skin was as white as the snow trapped in her plum hair, her violet watery eyes so deep with sorrow, but they seemed like hollow, shallow pools of glass. Raven was like a fragile china doll, though you could see her there being carried in Cyborg's arms, you could tell that she wasn't with them, her soul wasn't there, it was somewhere off in the distant sky where she lost herself dreaming. 'Raven! Raven this is all your fault!' She remembered, and it echoed in her heart. 'I…I know…' she thought, 'She's right…it's all my fault…'
The Titans traveled a small exodus to one of their havens, another Titan's Tower with a different group of Titans. They stood at the door, Robin slowly lifted his hand, but it was hard, they all felt frozen, if they survived they knew it would be by a thread, and it would still take them a while to heal from the sickness that had been devouring them inside and out.
"Robin…just ri-ring the door—bell already!" Cyborg muttered, there was no patience left in his tired bones. Robin's finger pushed a button beside the door and they waited for any reaction. Nothing. He pushed it again.
"Alright, alright I'm coming!" It was Kid Flash, how could he of all people take so long to get to the door. But he did eventually and it opened revealing a tired face, instantly his eyes widened with shock.
"Come in come in before you get sicker!" He grabbed them and pulled them inside, shutting the door, he quickly ran out of sight and in the blink of an eye was back with several warm towels that he handed to them. They all followed him as he walked to a large room and started lighting the fireplace. When it was lit and all the titans gathered around the warmth watching the snow melt into water around them, he sat down.
All was silent except for the crackling of the fireplace, the flames licking at logs of wood in their brilliant glow. He stared at them awkwardly awaiting an explanation, anything. He questioned himself, should he wake his comrades up, this seemed pretty important. Eventually Robin felt a stare directed at him, and he, being the unofficial leader of the group, spoke for them all.
"Our home.." he muttered. "It's destroyed…" He spoke and stared into the fire, he felt a pang of embarrassment, he had failed in defending his own home, what would the other's think of him now? But the thought of taunting Robin hadn't even crossed Kid Flash's mind, instead he rose another question, finally figuring out what had been missing.
"Where is your little green friend?" He asked and looked to the sad faces of the titans. No one answered, they all waited for another to speak, but no one did, it hurt too much, and Cyborg felt insanity roll over him, he had to tell them it wasn't true. He gazed down at Raven, he had to…but how, he would be shunned, and she would hate him, forever. No he couldn't tell them, besides; Beast Boy was probably dead from the cold by now anyway.
The silence was enough for the young speedy to know that their friend was no longer with them.
"Oh…" He sighed, and Starfire broke out into tears, Raven didn't cry, she had cried so much her cheeks were stained, she just looked like a hollow body. She looked scared, she looked lost, and her heart was broken. Starfire's sobs were muffled by Robin's shoulder as he tried to comfort her. Everything seemed like it could never be ok again, but they knew it had to be some day, they would heal some day, every one knew that, accept maybe Raven.
The tower was identical to their own, but all the Titans knew that it wasn't at all the same as their old home. They did not feel the comfort and warmth inside that told them they belonged here, that everything was alright. Only a couple times had they met these strangers, other young heroes like themselves, it would be hard to get used to living with them, but hopefully the rebuilding of their tower wouldn't take too long.
All the Titans slept on the large coach until two rooms were cleaned out, one for the guys and one for the girls. Ever since their arrival no one had spoken, no one but Robin who had only answered a few questions.
Raven sat in a corner of the room Starfire shared with her. Her hair was tangled and raggy, her face tired and several shades paler than before, dark circles rested beneath her eyes. Raven looked almost insane, her expression was emotionless and all she'd do was stare out into nowhere, she refused to eat or do anything but sit there, she hadn't showered for the week they had spent in the tower and no one had ever seen her sleeping. She'd just sit there, in that corner.
"Raven…" Starfire's voice was a bit hoarse at first, she hadn't spoken for so long. "Raven you have to get up sometime." Her voice became lighter and normal again, Starfire hadn't smiled in a long time, none of the Titans were happy, but they all showered and eat, they were healing form the sickness they had developed from the cold.
"Friend Raven, you are filthy, you must shower." She waited. "If you don't get up, I'll make you, this isn't healthy Raven, you're rotting away!" Starfire started to cry weakly, she couldn't loose another friend; she couldn't bare that much sorrow. Finally Raven looked up from her world of nowhere and into Starfire's eyes. 'Why is she crying?' Raven wondered. 'Why is she crying…for me? Maybe she cannot see that it is too late for me, all that's left to do is rot away…then I can be with him…in the sky…' Starfire wouldn't allow this though, she grabbed Raven's wrist with a firm grip and pulled her to her feet.
Raven almost fell backwards, her legs felt light and her body heavy, for a few seconds everything blacked out, but the dark haze evaporated as soon as it had come. Starfire's eyes were pierced with fear melted together with shock. Raven followed her gaze to her own wrist, it was scarred. Long thin scars were cut into her smooth chalk white skin, the sight brought back memories that shoved Raven's eyes away from the picture, to her own nails, they had grown long now, broken and sharp.
"Raven…" Starfire's voice was a whisper. "How did this happen to you, you were in that corner the whole time, how did you get hurt?" They say ignorance is bliss, perhaps it is better not to know what these things mean, the tall and naive Tammeranean stared into the demon child's eyes, though they refused to meet her gaze.
"Raven, did YOU do this? To yourself?" Raven's eyes forced themselves closed, she could feel so much pain radiating from Starfire's heart, so much confusion. "But Why…why did you do this Raven…please tell me why…I can help you!" Starfire squeezed Raven's hand. She felt so helpless, her friend had been doing this all that time and she hadn't even noticed, she had to help Raven, she had to. 'It's too late to help me.' Raven thought, still too tired to speak, too stubborn to take care of herself when her love was dead.
"Raven you're not going to do this anymore! You're going to heal with me, and some day you will be alright again. I know we won't be able to look back and smile…but we'll be alright, I promise that Raven, please just listen to me." Starfire begged and Gripped Raven's arm once more, dragging her to where the bathroom was. Raven felt too sorry for Starfire to hold back, she felt a large ball of guilt form in her chest. She did it again. She hurt someone, so terribly. She never meant for it to be that way, she never meant it…to be that way.
Starfire dragged Raven into the shower box and turned the faucet on. Cold droplets rained on Raven's sensitive skin followed by the pitter patter. At first they stung her, but then a soothing feeling came over her, it reminded her of the rain.
Starfire left her there, leaving out soap and shampoos she prayed the lost girl would use, if not, she would have to help Raven clean herself, but she hoped that was not needed, Raven would first be left alone. Starfire walked toward the door but before she left, a shiny object caught her eye. She snatched the razor blade on the counter, pained that she could not trust her friend with such objects. And then she left the lost girl to herself, in the allusion of rain.
The water gradually became warmer, and a light mist coated the glass of the box. Raven's clothes were soaking now, drenched with water weighing her down and clinging to her chest almost making it hard to breathe. Her arm stung, she held it up in the water and gazed at the scars, one for every day he had been gone. Each brought back painful memories, she had been sitting in that corner, but she wasn't there, she was off somewhere with herself, in memories of him.
She slowly collapsed to her knees in the hollow rain box, it brought to her the memories of rain. For every memory she had a song, as time passed the songs grew sadder and more quiet. There were so many memories for the rain, Spring rain when the water droplets would rest on blooming flowers and green tree leaves, it was late at night, she was by herself. She couldn't sleep that night, but the stars were covered by dark clouds so she walked by herself in the park under the rain. The song was happy, she hummed feeling the joy of life around her, the rapture of thirsts clenched and joy born.
Then she did something she thought she'd never do. Her spirit was so light, and there was no one around, nothing to hold her back. She began to twirl lightly on the ground singing with the wind, listening to every rain drop meet the ground. She felt a beauty so ethereal wind up inside her and let itself go, and she was happy, dancing in the rain in a field of flowers. Her hair formed to the side of her cheeks and her arms stretched out wide opening her heart to the sky. Without realizing it, she slowly began to float into the air, feeling nothing but content and rapturous. Her mother had loved magic, especially the magic of nature, and she could imagine her mother smiling with her just then, yes she was dancing with her, her mother was the rain.
Of course she would never admit this to anyone, it didn't fit her monotone, demure personality that she hid behind. She thought she saw a bird, a beautiful green little bird in the trees, it chirped along with her song and she never questioned it, though she thought it might be, him. Still this day she wondered if it was him, and she hoped it was, he was the only person she could think of now, that she'd want to see her real soul.
Raven hugged her legs to her chest and smiled weakly. There were so many memories to the rain. Pictures flashed before her eyes, She held Beast Boy in the sky after Terra had harmed in, another when she had awoken to find only Cyborg beside her, BeastBoy was gone, she saw Starfire and Robin, they were dying, and then rain turned to snow. Her Mother had said once, before Raven's powers truly developed and they were hiding from her father, when her mother still loved her. 'she always loved you, don't listen to lies' one of her emotions said, but she pushed the voice away. When her mother still loved her, she told her the rain symbolized eternity and rebirth. Though all things die, it is the cycle, and all things are reborn, the rain gives life to those things, and that's why it rains after death. It rains to show us there is rebirth, and we must move on.
But how could she move on, how could she?
At the same time Starfire, Robin, and Cyborg all sat in the kitchen, staring at the table.
"How's Raven?" Cyborg asked, he was the first one to speak, the first one to speak in a long time. All eyes were directed at him, but then to Starfire.
"She's showering…" The young girl spoke, you could see in her eyes that something was wrong. Should she tell them? Should she tell them what Raven had been doing to herself? Maybe it was what she should do, she didn't know how to cure Raven, maybe they did. Robin seemed to know everything, he was perfect, at least he was to Starfire.
"Starfire what's wrong?" Robin asked, he could detect that Starfire was not telling them everything. His eyes creased with worry. She collapsed her head to his shoulder hiding her face with hair. She let out a sob and then.
"Raven…She cuts herself…I saw…" She whispered loud enough for all three of them to hear. Instantly she wanted to take it back, she felt like she had betrayed her friend, but honestly she told herself it was what she had to do. It was all she could do to help Raven, all she wanted to do was save Raven. Robin looked worriedly at Cyborg and he returned the stare, gaping with terror. "Why does she do that? Why would any one hurt themselves?" Starfire asked. Robin placed a hand on her shoulder.
"Some people think, it makes them feel better. Like they can control something, when everything is wrong. That they can't take it any more and that is their last option." Robin spoke. "But in the end all it does is hurt them more, and everything around them. Starfire, promise you'll never do it." He added quickly, worried that she didn't understand and believed it was ok to do. She nodded her head.
"I promise." At that moment Cyborg jumped up from his seat. It had gone far enough, he couldn't take this any more, all of this, from one little lie he had told. It was terrible that every one was so miserable, but Raven, for her it was something more. She was hurting herself, if he didn't let the truth out soon, she might do something worse. Everyone looked up at him, his mouth opened to speak, but out came nothing. He looked around, he couldn't tell them, they'd kick him out, he'd have nowhere to go, and Raven, she'd hate him forever. No he couldn't tell them, but then how? How would he let them know the truth?
"I'm going out for a walk." He spoke.
"In the snow?" Asked Robin.
"Yes."
"But friend Cyborg, it is too cold outside you are not yet well."
"I need some time to myself." Was his last reply and he darted to the door before they could ask him another question. The snow outside was lighter than before, he ignored the cold and quickened his pace. He would go to the city. He would go to the city and find BeastBoy.
Author Note: Thanks for reading now please review! I mean it! It means everything to me those reviews, tell me if you liked it, what you thought I could have done better, your predictions, anything! Thank you to the people that do review and a special shout out to Daydreamer, the internet really is an amazing thing, I've met my soul sister, and she's really special to me. Review and goodbye! P.s. When the heck are they going to show NEW episodes? I want to see Bunny raven, and sorry if Raven was out of character in this chapter. I can't wait to write the next one, it'll be very dramatic I promise. Love you all.
RavenNevermore18
