Numb
a beating heart and a microphone,
a ticking clock in an empty home
still tells of these times so long ago,
and even though I've come so far, I know
I've got so far to go and any day now I'll explode
"Could things get any worse?" Ellie asked herself as she walked to school. At that exact moment a bus drove by and threw a puddle, splashing Ellie with cold, dirty water that sat stagnant in the street. She threw her head back and sighed, snapping her rubber band against her wrist. The new year had started out great, and like usual her mother swore off drinking, especially when Greg was home on leave. But it seemed like it only took a few weeks for things to return to normal in the Nash household. Normal was Judy Nash draped across the couch, a perfume of strong liquor diffusing into the air from the open bottle in her hands. This angered Ellie, because if she try to stop cutting, her mother could try harder to stop drinking.
"Penny for your thoughts?" a voice said, taking Ellie out of her reverie. Ellie smiled. She looked at Sean as he held out a handful of change, "not like I can afford it." Ellie laughed and closed his hand, and leaned in to kiss him.
" keep the change, this one's on me" she said smiling brighter and pressing her lips to his. She could feel Sean smiling as they kissed and his wrapped his arms around her waist. The late bell rang, and resounded through out the school, interrupted the kiss and Ellie and Sean parted ways reluctantly in front of Sean's homeroom.
"What are you staring at Em?" Manny asked as they stood on the school steps waiting for the bell to ring. Emma's sights were set on Sean and Ellie playing the roll of the perfect couple. They were giving Paige and Spinner a run for their money. Manny followed Emma's gaze and raised an eyebrow as she realized it was Sean she was staring at. "I thought you were over him."
" I am…" Emma said reluctantly, "I'm just…"
"jealous?" Manny inserted.
"No…I'm just worried about Ellie, I mean does she know what he's like?"
Manny laughed, "I'd think so, she's been going out with him since before holiday break."
Emma looked at Manny in disbelief, had it been that long? Emma hadn't even realized it, she was so preoccupied with Chris, and recreating a bond between her and Manny to really pay any attention to her ex-boyfriend's life. But now, now it seemed very interesting. The bell rang and Emma and Manny began to make their way to their homeroom. From her seat Emma watched from the window as Sean and Ellie shared a sweet and simple kiss and smiled at each other.
Sean noticed that Emma was staring at him as he walked into the room and took his seat. He raised and eyebrow and leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms, "having fun Emma?"
Emma was drawn out of her gaze. "Huh?"
" I asked if you were having fun, it seemed like it the way you've been staring at me for the past few moments."
"Sorry…I was just thinking, maybe you should groom your eyebrows, they bug me."
"Ouch,…that burns Emma…"Sean said, not amused at all by her comeback.
"As it should…do me a favor and leave me alone…or go steal something."
" hey, " Sean said leaning over the table, "you shouldn't have been staring at me."
"I'm sorry if I was easily attracted to your eyebrows."
"it doesn't take much to attract you does it?"
Emma stared at him furiously, "what the hell is that supposed to mean?!" she shouted angrily as she rose to her feet. The entire room turned towards her as her voice rose to a shout. Emma blushed furiously as the entire room was staring at her. She slipped back into her seat. "leave me alone Sean, or I'll be sure to let Ellie know what you're really like."
Sean laughed, "she already does Emma…and for once someone actually likes me for the fucked up piece of trailer trash I am," he said with a bright smile across his face. Emma turned away and slipped far down into her seat, pouting.
Sean kicked his legs up on the table in front of him and slipped on his headphones and waited for the bell to ring so he could head off to meet with Jay and Alex for auto shop.
Ashley sat at the table, poking at her lunch emotionlessly. Clad head to toe in black, she seemed to be tumbling backwards. Her eyes were surrounded by black eyeliner and mascara that seemed threatened to run down her cheeks in rivers every time Craig entered thoughts or appeared in line of view.
Ellie slipped into the seat across from Ashley, "how are you holding up?" she asked, twirling some of Shelia's spaghetti onto her fork. Ashley looked up and said nothing, just looked at Ellie with a miserable look on her face. "Forget him Ash, he's not even worth crying over."
"Easy for you to say…you have a boyfriend." Ashley spat.
"Ash…you don't need to have a boyfriend to be happy, Craig was a jerk, you can do so much better."
"I don't want to do better," Ashley's eyes threatened to burst the dam holding back her tears. "He was everything I ever wanted." Ashley looked over to his lunch table and frowned. "I'm not hungry." Ashley got up from the table and scraped her uneaten food into the trash and dumped her tray before leaving the cafeteria.
Ellie dropped her fork and let her head fall into her hands before slipping backwards into her chair. She was sitting alone. "Hey El…" Paige shouted over the hustle and bustle of the cafeteria. Ellie frowned, "please don't let her be playing sainthood again" Ellie hoped as she grabbed her tray and feebly made her way over to Paige's table. She slipped into the seat next to Marco and silently ate her lunch.
Paige watched Ellie eat her lunch. She knew that Ellie wouldn't talk to anyone at the table, but she just didn't want Ellie sitting alone, by herself, at the table. "Don't mind Ash, she'll get moody when things don't go how she dreamt them up." Paige said. Ellie looked up.
"Paige, it's more than things not going her way…"
"Look, Ellie, I've known Ash longer than you…I think I know when she's just being a negative nanc…"
"Look Paige, you may have known Ash longer, but I think I know her better. I'm sorry you've never been cheated on before,…"
"but Ashley knows what it's like to cheat…she'll get over it hon."
Ellie frowned and disconnected herself from everyone at the table and finished her lunch. After dumping her tray she walked over to Sean's table. She felt even more out of place here than at Paige's table. At least at Paige's table she had Marco, and Jimmy was decent too. In fact they were all pretty nice to her, but Jay? Jay and Alex, and Jules, they never wanted her in their circle, they always gave her the cold shoulder.
"Hey El" Sean said pecking her on the cheek. Ellie blushed uncomfortably as she felt the gang's gaze burn through her. "What's wrong?" Sean asked as Ellie stiffened while sitting at the table.
"Nothing…just tired" she said smiling. Sean looked at her and raised an eyebrow, but Ellie just threw him a look telling him to forget it. Sean shook it off and continued to talk cars with Jay, Alex, and Jules while Ellie pulled out a notebook and began to write. She wasn't writing anything unparticular, just words, random words that spilled onto the paper like tears that she wished she'd shed instead of blood. She immersed herself completely into her prose and seemed to bleed ink onto the paper. It was the touch of Sean's hand on her shoulder that pulled her out of her own little world.
"bell rang…" he said. Ellie looked up and around, the cafeteria was empty. Ellie closed the notebook and slid it into her bag and stood up. "hey" Sean said grabbing her arm and pulling her close, "you sure you're okay?" he said pouting and looking concerned.
"I'm fine, don't worry about me" she said convincingly and then kissed him before dragging him off to walk to class.
Ellie appeared on the front steps of the Kerwin/ Isaacs house and knocked on the door. Kate Kerwin answered the door and breathed a sigh of relief. "She's miserable…hasn't eaten anything in days, I don't know what to do with her." She said moving to allow Ellie into the house. Ellie looked around, it made her sick, happy family, happy home. Thinking like that made her sick on top of that. "I didn't think a teenage girl could be so depressed over a break up." Ellie frowned and nodded, "she's upstairs in her room…oh wait…" Kate said, stopping Ellie before she could make her way upstairs. Kate disappeared into the kitchen and came back with a pint of rocky road ice cream and a spoon. " usually I wouldn't condone her eating junk, but she hasn't eaten anything and I'd rather have her eat this than nothing at all." Kate smiled and handed Ellie the ice cream and the spoon and leaned against the banister as Ellie walked up the stairs. Ashley's room was blasting music.
Ellie knocked on the door. No response, "Ash, it's me…can I come in." She heard a mumble from beyond the door and couldn't make out the words with the music so loud. "I'm coming in Miss-Doom-and-Gloom." Ellie opened the door and found Ashley draped across her bed. Ellie recognized the song and made her way closer to Ashley as the lyrics boomed in her head:
So this is odd,
the painful realization that has all gone wrong.
And nobody cares at all,
and nobody cares at all.
So you buried all your lover's clothes
and burned the letters lover wrote,
but it doesn't make it any better.
Does it make it any better?
And the plaster dented from your fist
in the hall where you had your first kiss
reminds you that the memories will fade.
So this is strange,
our sidestepping has come to be a brilliant dance
where nobody leads at all,
where nobody leads at all.
And the picture frames are facing down
and the ringing from this empty sound
is deafening and keeping you from sleep.
And breathing is a foreign task
and thinking's just too much to ask
and you're measuring your minutes by a clock that's blinking eights.
This is incredible.
Starving, insatiable,
yes, this is love for the first time.
Well you'd like to think that you were invincible.
Yeah, well weren't we all once before we felt loss for the first time?
Well this is the last time.
The room was like a cold dark pit. The heat was off and Ellie just stared at Ashley attempted to crane her neck to see who was in her room. "No more Dashboard Ash."
"Just go away…"
"Your mom sent this up…" Ellie said handing over the ice cream, "mmm fattening food."
Ashley snorted. "ha…well you can have it…"
" I don't want it, besides, you're the one whose barely eaten anything" pushing the carton of ice cream and spoon towards Ashley. Ashley frowned and reluctantly took it. Peeling off the lid she immediately dug her spoon into the soft cold ice cream and piled it into her mouth. Ellie laughed. "Ah, the cures of junk food."
"it won't cure anything, just numb it…I wish Manny would eat tons of this stuff and get fat." Ashley spooned another spoonful into her mouth and thought for a moment. "Why can't men be like ice cream?"
Ellie raised an eyebrow, "what?"
"Why can't men be like ice cream…you can always depend on ice cream to taste the same…"
Ellie laughed.
"not like that…I mean ice cream is dependable…" Ashley dug the spoon into the carton, digging up a large spoonful of rocky road ice cream, "ice cream will never let you down."
Ellie laughed, "but would you really want your men to be cold?"
Ashley looked at her, "I could warm them up."
The two girls fell into a fit of laughter. "come on, we're going out, we'll go meet some boys."
Ashley looked at her friend, "what about Sean?"
"Who said the boys were for me?"
Ashley furrowed her eyebrows, "oh no…no Miss Nash, we are not going to find a rebound boy."
" then we won't…we'll just find someone who'll survive the rebound period." Elle stood up and grabbed her oversized purse.
"I'm not going…"
"Yes you are…let's go…put on something clean and let's go." Ellie ordered. Ashley frowned, but rolled off her bed none the less and changed out of her Degrassi CS sweats and into a pair of tight, ripped jeans and one of the tee shirts Ellie had bought her for Christmas and slid her studded belt through the belt loops and buckled it on the side and glanced in the mirror and fixed her make up and hair, grabbing her purse and a black zip up My Chemical Romance hoodie she left her room, and headed with Ellie to go out.
Ellie and Ashley arrived at the mall and immediately made their way to Clash a music store on the far side of the mall. It was an independently run store, not at all part of a massive chain of music stores across the nation. It carried every type of music; every artist, even unsigned artists. It was a great place for local bands to pawn off their demos. As the girls walked into the store they were blasted backwards by the stereo blasting the Sex Pistols, the walls were painted dark and covered in vintage posters and concert flyers from days long passed. The pair made their way to the back of the room to check out the new indie releases.
In the back was a tall boy with shaggy black hair, with some blue streaks. He had his lip pierced twice, gauged ears, and what looked like girls' blue jeans and a white tee-shirt. Ashley immediately started blushing, and Ellie noticed. "Um, let's go see if they have the new Cure CD," Ashley said trying to move away from the boy.
"You think he's cute…" Ellie laughed.
"Do not…"
"Go talk to him!" Ellie ordered.
Ashley blushed and denied her, "no."
Ellie laughed and began pushing Ashley to the back of the store.
"El…Ellie, no…" Ashley said laughing before she was pushed into the pierced boy. "Sorry" Ashley muttered as she knocked into him. He looked down at her and smiled. He had on a Clash name tag that, in his chicken scratch scrawl said his name: Mark.
"No, that's okay…" he said, "were you looking for something?"
Ashley blushed and looked over at Ellie, who nudged her with her eyes, "actually, I was wondering if you've got the new Cure CD…"
"yea…it's over there…"Ashley looked over in the direction of which he was pointing and bit her lip in a flirtatious way while pairing it with a confused look. "here, let me show you." He said leading her over to the new arrivals CD rack. Ashley looked over at Ellie and smiled. "I can't believe I'm doing this" she thought to herself. "Right here" he said picking up the CD and handing it to Ashley, "so you like the Cure?" Mark asked.
"yea" Ashley answered.
"what's your favorite song?"
"Just Like Heaven"
"your eyes are just like heaven…" he said. Then realizing what he'd just said laughed at himself and ran his fingers nervously through his hair, "did I just say that?"
Ashley laughed.
"sorry about that…but your just…really gorgeous and know a song that's not Friday I'm in Love."
Ashley blushed but had nothing to say.
"you wanna go get coffee or something sometime?" he asked.
Ashley blushed, "sure." Ashley pulled out her cell phone and they exchanged numbers.
"I'm sorry, what's your name?" Mark asked.
"Ashley"
"Well Ashley, I'm Mark"
" I know…" she said pointing to his name tag.
"Well I'm free tomorrow afternoon if you wanna meet up or something…"
Ellie watched from the front of the store as she roamed through the CD's as Ashley and Mark talked. Ashley looked a lot happier. "Mission Accomplished" she thought to herself and looked back at the CD's when she felt someone wrap their arms around her waist. "Hey," Sean whispered.
Ellie turned around, "what are you doing here?"
" well I was hanging out Jay, but then I saw you and came over to see you…what about you?" Sean asked.
"cheering up Ashley…" Ellie said looking over in the direction of Ashley and Mark.
"You brought her out to pick up boys?"
Ellie laughed, "she was doing the picking up…not me" she said kissing him on the nose.
"better not be" he said laughing and kissing her on the lips. Ellie gently pushed him away.
"Well there was this one guy…" Sean interrupted her with a kiss, "his name was Butch" Sean covered her mouth with his and tried to keep from laughing. Ellie broke away the kiss. "I'll be right back, let me go pay for this." She said before pecking him on the lips and skipping off to the cashier to pay for the CD she held in her hand.
Ellie fell down in front of her computer and signed online.
pictureperfect: Mark called me!
NOLabels: aaand?
pictureperfect: we're going out for coffee next week…
NOLabels: so spill…
NOLabels: what's he like?
pictureperfect: he's 17, goes to some University…
NOLabels: HE GOES TO UNI?????
pictureperfect: yes…he graduated early…he's smart, studying music theory and stuff
NOLabels: I picked a good one for you huh?
pictureperfect: yes you did…thank you for getting' me outta the house, I'll cya 2morrow!
NOLables: later…
pictureperfect has logged off )
Ellie signed off and spun around on her computer chair and made her way over to her dresser and changed for bed. As she crawled into bed she heard a crash down the hall; and then her mother cussing like a sailor about a broken bottle. Ellie sighed and closed her eyes tight. She wanted to drown away all the bad that seemed to follow her around in a dark cloud.
A/N: Okay...I'm getting really frustrated with trying to follow the show...so I give up...following along with the show, there may be minor tidbits, but it's just too hard considering I started writing this before they even got together visibly and for real. So please don't freak out if it doesn't follow the show too closely anymore.
props to everyone who reviewed...I'm getting tired of writing them all out...
ps. I gave Ashley a love interest...and I was thinking of writing a spin-off about Ash/Mark, if anyone wants me to...not right this instance ofcourse but eventually, and they'll be a lot of Craig being jealous...because I love to torture him so for hurting my little Ashley...
pps. review review review...they are always good, if you have an constructive crit for me, that's even better...i love getting reviews...cause they give me a reason to check my email...ha!
ppps. I'm dedicating this chapter to Damian for telling me I'm beautiful...even though I don't believe him, stupid best friends! hahaha
