Numb

like the angel you are you laugh creating a lightness in my chest,
your eyes they penetrate me,
(your answer's always 'maybe')
that's when I got up and left

Emma Nelson sat in her basement room, on her bed, her back pressed against the concrete wall. She looked down at the contents on her bed, an empty box, pictures, letters, notes, small gifts lying on the colorful tie-dye comforter. She felt an odd numbness as her eyes traveled over the two Polaroid snapshots her mother took on her and Sean's first date. She found herself doing this a lot lately, and it wasn't just pictures of Sean she found herself looking at, she sat there looking at recent pictures of her and Chris, and notes in which he wrote songs for her. Then she would silently compare the two boys. As if there were any competition, Sean was her first love, and she'd always have a place for him in her heart, Chris? Was he just puppy love? Emma closed her eyes, she needed to stop thinking about the past.

"it doesn't take much to attract you does it?"

Emma stared at him furiously, "what the hell is that supposed to mean!" she shouted angrily as she rose to her feet. The entire room turned towards her as her voice rose to a shout. Emma blushed furiously as the entire room was staring at her. She slipped back into her seat. "leave me alone Sean, or I'll be sure to let Ellie know what you're really like."

Sean laughed, "she already does Emma…and for once someone actually likes me for the fucked up piece of trailer trash I am," he said with a bright smile across his face

Emma opened her eyes, "he's moved on, why can't I?" she said to herself and slowly began to place every memento back in the box.


"Why does she keep staring at you like that?" Ellie asked as she played with Sean's calloused fingers while she sat in his lap on the bench outside of the school. Sean's gaze was immediately directed to Emma Nelson who seemed to blatantly be staring at him and Ellie.

Sean shrugged, "she's been weird lately…more so than her usual cause girl self."

Ellie punched him lightly, "that's not very nice Mr. Cameron."

"I'm sorry Miss Nash, you'll have to punish me…" Sean said with a smirk. Ellie rolled her eyes and laid a passionate kiss on his lips.

The bell rang and Ellie jumped up from his lap, grabbing her bag and pecking him on the cheek, " I'll see you at lunch."

"yea…" Sean muttered still sitting there, his gaze directed across the courtyard to Emma's figure sitting alone on the steps outside the school. He stood up and slung his book bag over his shoulder before walking to class, but not before stopping in front of Emma. "Are you just going to sit there or are you coming to class?" he asked. Emma looked up.

"Oh, you mean you actually go to class?" Emma said spitefully, yet regretting the way she said every word that fell out of her mouth.

"You know what,…forget it, I was stupid for trying…" he said.

"Try what?" Emma asked standing quickly.

"Extending the hand of friendship…but no, I prolly just felt bad because you looked so pathetic sitting here alone staring at me and Ellie, wanting something you can't have." Sean felt a bit of guilt wash over him as Emma flushed red, "I'm sick of your jealous, can you just stop pining…"

"For your information Sean, I'm not pining over you or anyone, just mind your own business next time, or disappear because I'm sure no one at Degrassi would miss a useless delinquent." With those parting words Emma flipped her blonde hair over her shoulder and walked into the school.

It wasn't until she was out of Sean's view that she felt a twinge of guilt at the words she had expressed only moments earlier. She knew Sean and her would never work out, they fought more than they got along. Sean was puppy love she thought to herself, and walked to class, taking a seat next to Chris and smiled brightly as he passed a note her way.


Ellie sat down at her and Sean's lunch table, across from Jay who had his arm draped across Alex's shoulders. "Hey little vamp…" Jay said with a cocky smile. Ellie rolled her eyes, she'd gotten used to Jay and Alex's loving abuse as time went on.

"hey drunk, hey bitch" Ellie said with a smile, Alex laughed.

"Nice one Ellie…you coming with Sean and us out to the ravine tonight?" Jay asked.

" I think so, …" she said, pausing to think for a moment.

"Aw, gotta ask Mommy?" Jay mused.

Ellie looked at him maliciously, "no…I have a job Jay…"

" Yea a job that doesn't pay" Alex said laughing, "try getting a real one Nash"

Ellie rolled her eyes. Who cared if my Co-Op didn't pay me, I was learning about what I want to do in the future. "Where's Sean anyway?"

Jay shrugged. " I dunno, but if you see him later, tell him I'm getting the booze for tonight so don't bother…" Ellie frowned, the idea of Sean still drinking scared her, she didn't need a boyfriend who acted like her mother, she didn't need to be cleaning up after him every night. And then a useless bit of logic popped into her head, if he's allowed to drink, I'm allowed to cut.

If he's allowed to drink, I'm allowed to cut

If he's allowed to drink, I'm allowed to cut

If he's allowed to drink, I'm allowed to cut

"what kind of logic is that?" Ellie asked herself aloud. Jay and Alex looked at her funny.

"Talking to yourself freak?" Alex asked.

"Yea, … I'll see you guys tonight" she said grabbing her bag and walking off, she wasn't even sure where she was going.

If he's allowed to drink, I'm allowed to cut. This isn't making any since, this is seriously the stupidest idea you've come up with. Thoughts were floating through her head, and she was so captivated that she didn't notice she had walked into the bathroom and was standing over the sink. Her sink. Ellie dropped her bag onto the floor. She began breathing deeply and her hands gripped the porcelain so tightly that her knuckles turned white. Can I do this? She stared at her reflection in the mirror. She was so flushed that her skin almost matched her hair. " I can control this" she said aloud. " I can control this." The idea of starting that weeks ago she was intent on stopping gave her a panic attack that put her on cloud 9. She was elated by the fact that she had created a logic that made sense, and allowed her to continue doing what made her feel good. " I can do this" she repeated staring straight into her eyes' reflection.

The bell rang, and Ellie made her way to class. And from that class to her next, and finally home.

A disturbing smile crept across Ellie's face as she unlocked the front door and walked through the living room and sighed. "At least she's dependably drunk," Ellie said to herself before walking out of the living room and up stairs to her room. She shut the door behind her gently and turned on her stereo, letting Punchline fill her room. From there she dropped her bag on the floor and found herself crawling under her bed for the dust covered box she'd placed there long ago.

With out a moment of regret Ellie took a blade to her wrist and another and smiled. She breathed a sigh of relief with every cut she made, the blood beading through the thin slits of skin she's placed there on her delicate skin. Wiping the blade clean she put it away, closed the box and placed it under her bed. She wiped her arm clean and wrapped it in light gauze before pulling her sleeves down and starting on her math homework. "Yes she said, I can do this" she said to herself.


Ashley sat impatiently at the Dot. A small booth in the back corner. "Why am I so nervous?" she asked herself aloud. She felt her stomach do back flips as she remembered why she was sitting there. Only moments before she remembered her cell phone ringing, and recognizing the number on her phone made her heart leap for joy.

"Hey Mark" Ashley said as she lifted the black cell phone to her ear, trying not to sound as excited as she felt.

"hey gorgeous" he said nervously over the phone.

Ashley laughed, "so what's up?"

"actually I have the day off from work today and I was wondering if you wanted to meet for coffee somewhere" he said biting his lip nervously as he awaited her answer.

"I'd love to…when and where?" she asked.

"how about in about an hour, you know where the Dot is right?"

" yea, I'll see you then" Ashley said.

"bye gorgeous"

Ashley just about leapt out of her chucks.

Ashley watched the door nervously, and almost had a heart attack when she saw him walk in…Craig.


A/N: Urgh, it's been too long, making a quick note, sorry I didn't add lyrics…and I'm working on another chapter while you're prolly reading this, I'm going for a record 3 chapters to night to make up for the very long hiatus, school is just majorly ass kicking right now, and mainly my ass…I'm sorry if it wasn't that great of a chapter though