Numb
And like the angel you are you laugh creating a lightness in my chest,
your eyes they penetrate me,
(never cease to amaze me)
that's when I got up and left

"Seriously Ash, spill" Paige ordered as she sat, turned around in her seat, touching up her manicured fingers with an Emory board.

"What are you talking about Paige?" Ashley asked, not even looking up from what she was writing in her small black notebook.

"You know what I'm talking about, rumor has it, that a fight broke out at the Dot on Friday between some boy and Craig, and the other boy is in the hospital, and he's not a boy he's like thirty-something, married, and you're dating him"

Ashley looked up, at Paige in wonderment, "where did you hear that from?" she asked, looking over at Ellie as if to say, is she for real?

"Hazel heard it from Heather Sinclair who heard it from some grade nine, who heard it from his sister who heard it from Spinner, who heard it from that girl with the dreds, what's her name? Carly? Cause it was his day off…"

"Paige you have got to be kidding me, you actually believed all that?" Ellie asked, as Ashley looked on dumbfounded at the train of succession.

"Hey, it's from a reliable source."

"For your information Paige…that's not what happened," Ashley said.

"Then what did happen?"

Ashley put down her pen and closed her book, gently resting her hands on top of it, and began her story, "I was meeting, Mark, who is NOT thirty something and married, he's seventeen and goes to uni, Craig showed up, got jealous, punched Mark, who was just being a nice guy and introduced himself, and I was the one who did the fighting, I punched Craig in the jaw, and we left, no big rumble Paige, sorry to disappoint."

Paige started laughing, "You punched Craig? Priceless, what to go Ash."

Ashley smiled and looked over at Ellie, "so how are you?" she asked.

Ellie looked up, "f-f-ine" she answered a bit shakey, oh yes, fine and dandy…

Ashley looked at her confused, "You sure,…you seem a bit off today"

"I'm fine, don't worry about it," Ellie answered as Mr. Armstrong walked into the room and class started, but Ellie was not paying attention at all. She seemed lost in her own thoughts. No one seemed to notice as she stared blankly at her notebook paper and just stared.

If he can drink, I can cut…where's the logic in that Ellie? God, you're so stupid. Who comes up with stupid ideas like that. You do Ellie Nash, you and your stupid ideas. Why don't you just go home and cut yourself some more, find the logic in that, because Sean's not always drinking, if your logic made any sense at all you would only cut when he drinks. It's the same kind of logic as someone who smokes when they drink. They technically aren't a smoker, but they are when they drink. According to your stupid logic, you're only a cutter when Sean drinks, but your breaking the boundaries you set for yourself Ellie, you've lost…

"Ellie?...Are you okay?"

Ellie looked up, the class was gone, and it was just her and Mr. Armstrong, "I'm fine…"

"I don't think you're fine Ellie, you were completely zoned out all class, I'm writing you a pass to see Suave."

"No!" she shouted, and Mr. Armstrong looked at her funny, " I mean, no Mr. Armstrong, that's okay."

"Better yet Ms. Nash, I think I'll walk you there," he answered, not convinced that Ellie was as fine as she was pretending.


Ellie closed her eyes.

"Show me your arms Ellie…" Ms Suave ordered kindly.

Ellie opened her eyes and stared at the young woman, " I can't do that," she answered.

"Why not? Ellie"

"I just can't."

"Ellie, show me your arms," she repeated, "this isn't up for discussion, your mental health is on the line here, and it's my job to make sure you're not hurting yourself, now…show me your arms." Ellie sighed and rolled up her sleeves and pulled down her arm warmers and exposed her bandaged arms to the worried guidance counselor. "Ellie, this isn't good…"

" I know…" Ellie answered blandly.

"I want to speak with your mother"

"NO!"

Ms Suave looked at Ellie as she jumped to her feet and shouted, "You can't talk to her, no one can talk to her."

"Why not Ellie?"

"Because…"

"Ellie, 'because' is not a good enough answer," she paused for a moment, "is your mother hurting you?"

"no…she'd never lay a hand on me…"

"then what's wrong, why have you started this again?"

"I don't know, you're the one with all the answers, why don't you tell me." Ellie pulled back her arm warmers and fiercely tugged down her sleeves. She didn't want to be interrogated anymore, and Ms Suave could tell. There was a stagnant air of silence between them.

"Ellie, this isn't healthy, you can't continue hurting yourself."

"How can you say this isn't healthy, people have been doing it for centuries! People would mourn by mutilating their bodies, people would hurt themselves as tests of strength, people would hurt themselves as pleasure, what makes it so bad now?"

" I don't know Ellie, but why is it you're doing it?" Ms Suave asked, leaning back, interested in what Ellie had to say, but again, silence, "are you mourning? Proving strength? Trying to find pleasure you're not receiving?"

Ellie didn't know how to answer, in turn, she felt she did it as a mix of all three. "I'm all three Suave, all of the above. I'm mourning the fact that I my father can't be here for me, that my mother is a wasted drunk most of the time, that I have to be the one in charge yet I don't get the simple freedom of being a teenager. I have to prove that I'm strong, that a stupid grade on a test or being a klutz won't get to me…"

"but it is getting to you, obviously…"

Ellie glared, she wasn't finished, "I cut because I mourn, because I'm strong, because I can't physically fulfill myself pleasurably, I cut because I can…this is my thing, Suave, don't take this away from me."

Ms Suave frowned. Ellie isn't suicidal, she's taking care of her cuts, I have no jurisdiction to report this unless it's harmful to others around her. I'm stuck. "Can you promise me that you'll continue to take care of yourself?" Ellie nodded as she was handed a note to go back to class, "I want you coming back once a week for to check up on you."

Ellie sighed and rolled her eyes, "fine."

"see you next week."


"Where have you been all day babe?" Sean asked, wrapping his arms around Ellie's waist and kissing her gently on the lips.

"around" she said blandly, obviously trying to avoid any topic of conversation.

"you okay?"

"WHY IS EVERYONE ASKING ME THAT TODAY!" she shouted in frustration, "I'm sick of it, I'm fine…I'm sick of everyone worrying about me."

"Well I'm the boyfriend, I'm supposed to be worried," he said leading her to sit down on a bench while he gently massaged her shoulders. "You're so tense…" he said leaning down and gently kissing her neck.

"PDA Mr. Carmeron, Miss Nash!" shouted Mr. Radditch from down the hall.

"Sorry sir" Sean answered, still kneading his knuckles into her shoulders, "won't happen again."

"It better not, or I'll be seeing you in detention, again," and with that Radditch walked back to his office.

Ellie laughed softly, "I think he's just jealous."

Sean chuckled and wrapped his arms around her, shifting from side to side, "coming over after work?" he asked. Ellie turned her head, "Of course." Ellie planted a soft kiss on his lips and stood up, "Time for fun with computers," she said rolling her eyes. "I'll see you tonight."

Ellie walked down the hall and into Media Immersions and took her seat next to Ashley. Ashley leaned over, "where have you been all day?"

"Suave wanted to see me."

"about what?"

"…the Co-Op, wanted to know how I was doing," Ellie lied.

"it took all day?"

"pretty much…"

"oh…well you didn't miss much, especially at lunch when Spinner's hair net fell in the chili and he started sifting through it with his hands…so gross…reminded me why I need to start brown bagging it again."

Ellie chuckled.

"anyways, what are you and Sean doing this weekend?"

"prolly staying in, or hanging out with Alex and Jay…"

"well if you're not busy, do you wanna go out with me and Mark this weekend?"

"you're seeing him again?"

Ashley beamed, "yup, … he calls me gorgeous El, he's so cute, and urgh…I'm so lucky."

"So…does that mean you're an item then?"

Ashley lost her smile for a moment, "I have no clue…but what ever is going on, I like it, a lot."

"that's good."

"how are things with you and Sean…the perfect couple?"

"things are…" Ellie didn't know how to answer it, I mean, things with their relationship seemed a little, off balance, after all, she was the girl and she was the one wanting to push the physical aspect of their relationship, whereas Sean was holding back, "good."

"that's great."

"yea…" Ellie answered, unsure of herself. "Yea, it's great." Ellie spent most of the class time trying to reassure herself that everything was great, that it'll all work out for the best. At times though, she felt like her and Sean were on different pages. Ellie wanted physical, Sean wanted mental, and Ellie wondered why they couldn't meet somewhere in between. Ellie searched the internet while Mr. Simpson droned on in front of the class, mostly checking out bands that she liked or looking up lyrics. As clichéd as it sounds, she found her solace in what was slowly becoming a mainstream hit…

Well if you wanted honesty, that's all you had to say.
I never want to let you down or have you go, it's better off this way.
For all the dirty looks, the photographs your boyfriend took,
Remember when you broke your foot from jumping out the second floor?

I'm not okay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
You wear me out

What will it take to show you that it's not the life it seems?
(I'm not okay)
I told you time and time again you sing the words but don't know what it means
(I'm not okay)
To be a joke and look, another line without a hook
I held you close as we both shook for the last time take a good hard look!

I'm not okay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
You wear me out

Forget about the dirty looks
The photographs your boyfriend took
You said you read me like a book, but the pages are all torn and frayed

I'm okay
I'm okay!
I'm okay, now
(I'm okay, now)

But you really need to listen to me
Because I'm telling you the truth
I mean this, I'm okay!
(Trust Me)

I'm not okay
I'm not okay
Well, I'm not okay
I'm not o-fucking-kay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
(Okay)

"I'm not okay" she said, "I'm not o-fucking-kay"

Unfortunately, no one was around to hear her speak those words…


A/N I hope this makes everyone happy, because I just got my schedule for class, and I honestly don't know when I'll be able to update again, I'm hoping that I'll be able to get something down later on this month or that I'll be able to get some stuff down here and there to be able to post again in March, once again, I'm not making any promises, it's very hard for me to keep up with a lot of the projects I have going on. I wish I had more time and energy, but I don't, but resassured I won't leave you guys hanging for too long...

thanks for the reviews, and keep them coming, any ideas are welcome as well, sometimes I need a kickstart to get me writing when i'm blocked.

that's all for now, I hope I'll be writing another author's note soon in the near, the very near future...

Oh and the song is MCR (My Chemical Romance) I'm not okay (I promise)