Numb

It's so hard to see when your eyes are rolling in the back of your head It's even harder to speak when everything you say just comes out wrong Gutted like a pig, all you want is the world to bleed, Someone somewhere stole your desireThe pain akin to, being punched in the throat, and stabbed in the chest

- Atreyu Ain't Love Grand

Grunt work.

Today it was all grunt work. "Here's your coffee Caitlin," Ellie said shifting several different cups in her hands and setting the right one down on the desk. Caitlin looked up and smiled, thanking Ellie for the coffee. Ellie spun around and made her way out of the office and finished delivering the other cups of coffee to the rest of the station. Finding herself in her closet office she fell back into her broken metal chair and dropped her head to the top of the black table. She rolled her head forward resting her chin on her hands and starring at her pile of loose papers and binders. Sitting up straight she reached forward and grabbed the binder marked: "teen news" and got to work on the proposal for the short half hour news segment.

"Ellie?" followed by a knock at the door. Caitlin. "How's my favorite little intern?"

"Tired" Ellie laughed. Caitlin smiled and took a seat on the other side of the table.

"Are you working on your proposal?"

Ellie nodded.

"Great!...Look, I came to talk to you about…"

"oh my gosh…I got you the wrong coffee again, didn't I?"

Caitlin laughed, "no, you got the right one this time." Caitlin's smile grew bigger, "you're time here at the station is growing pretty short Ellie, and –"

"yea, I know, I was thinking, can I still come by and help out, I mean you don't have to give me extra credit or anything…"

"Ellie…actually, I wanted to offer you a job, here at the station as my assistant."

Ellie's eyes lit up and she jumped to her feet "really? Oh my…wow…Ms. Ryan…I mean…Caitlin, thank you so much." She reached out and shook Caitlin's hand before losing her composure and tightly wrapping the news anchor in a tight hug.

"Now Ellie, you don't have to come in everyday, I want you to focus on school, so whenever you're not busy."

Ellie beamed. Caitlin left the small closet office and Ellie returned to job, a smile on her face.


"She gave me a job Sean!"

"That's great Ellie…more time for you at the station." Sean hung his head, he seemed a bit disappointed. Ellie frowned.

"But this is good for me Sean, she's going to pay me."

"And you'll be at the station more…"

Ellie just didn't seem to be catching on as much as he had hoped. Between school and her Co-Op work, Sean rarely saw Ellie, alone anyways. If she wasn't at work or school she was with Marco and Ashley. "Sean…look" and she smoothed the collar of his shirt, "I promise we'll still spend time together."

"yea" he answered gently placing his hands on her waist.

"promise" Ellie answered.

Sean smiled and leaned into kiss her, "Dinner!" Tracker's voice boomed through the house. Sean groaned and pulled away before standing up from his bed and pulling Ellie up quickly to her feet. Ellie laughed softly and grabbed his hand and followed him into the kitchen.

"And the famous chef orders pizza yet again" Sean muttered.

Tracker glared, "would you rather eat my cooking?"

Sean laughed. "Pizza's fine, Tracker," Ellie said as she gently punched Sean in the arm, and messed up his hair. Sean rolled his eyes and sat down at the small kitchen table.

"Oh Ells, I have something you left here a few weeks ago…" Tracker said as he passed out paper plates between the three of them.
Ellie raised an eyebrow, "Okay, I'll get it before I leave."

Sean looked between his brother and his girlfriend and found an awkward ambience in the space linking them together. Sure Sean knew his brother was a cutter, and Ellie was slowly overcoming that point in her life, so there was bound to be that bond connecting them. But there was something else. Pushing in out of his mind he looked down at his plate. "Yo, Track…this has pepperoni."

"Sorry Sean, forgot" Tracker said, mentally slapping himself in the forehead before exchanging the pepperoni slice in front of Sean with a plain cheese one with peppers and mushrooms.

"I can't believe you're making me watch this Ellie…" Sean said as he rolled his eyes and pushed himself further back into the cushions of the ratty old couch.

"It's a classic Sean…"

"It's a chick flick…I didn't even know you owned this…"

"the Princess Bride is not a chick flick…there's fighting in it" Ellie argued. Sean groaned, "Fine, Sean, what do you want to watch?"

"can we watch X-2?" he begged.

"after what they did, cutting Gambit out, turning Jean into Phoenix at the end?...No" she answered, matter of factly.
"leave it to my girlfriend to read comics…"
Ellie crossed her arms.

"look, is there something we can both agree on?" Sean asked.

"well I brought Drop Dead Fred?"

"what?" Sean asked sitting up.

"Drop Dead Fred, it's about a girl who starts seeing her imagin—"

"no…I know what it's about, I haven't seen that in ages…Tracker and I used to watch it all the time when we were younger…it was the only movie I ever wanted to rent."

Ellie smiled and passed him the DVD box, "put it in then."

Sean smiled and took the box from her and walked over to the DVD player and slipped the disk in and returned to the couch, where he stuck his finger up his nose and then wiped it down the side of Ellie's face, "snot face." Sean smirked and laughed hysterically as Ellie's face went from one of utter contentment to one of disgust and horror as she began tugging at her shirt sleeves to wipe the supposed snot off the side of her face.

" I don't think it's funny Sean" she said as she kicked him with her tiny feet while he carried on laughing at her reaction.

"yes it is…" he said leaning over and kissing her face in the spot where he had just wiped snot, "it's very funny."

Ellie pushed him away gently and settled herself next to him, under the crook of his arm, snuggled up against his strong chest and watched as the opening credits rolled.

Characters danced across the screen and dialog was muttered, it wasn't long before Ellie was sound asleep in Sean's arms her arms crossed tightly across her chest, hugging herself as Sean hugged her. Sean looked down and smiled, gently kissing her forehead before sliding his arm under her knees and another behind her back and stood up, shifting Ellie in his arms and she fell into his chest. He gently began walking towards his room. He looked down at Ellie's solemn face and smiled, "she's so tiny" he said softly as he realized how light she was in his arms.

He rested her gently on the bed and climbed in next to her, lying on his side he wrapped an arm around her waist possessively and the other he bent and rested his head upon it. He leaned his head down nuzzled his head into her red hair, breathing deep. She smelled like home, it was an angering yet comforting smell. Of course for him, he didn't know where home was, but he felt it, he could smell it and he felt it, smelt it, was there when he had Ellie in his arms. He leaned down and nuzzled his unshaven face into her neck, gently pressing his lips to her soft pale skin. Ellie moaned in her sleep and smiled. He laughed to himself, and gently opened his mouth and traced a heart with his tongue as his lips laid pressed against the skin of her neck. Ellie giggled, "Sean, quit it" she said opening her eyes. But Sean didn't quit, Ellie giggled some more and moaned as he sucked gently on her neck. "Sean stop, you're going to make it look like I got attacked by a vampire." Ellie rolled over to face him, Sean's hand now resting on her hip. She took a moment to look around the room, "I feel asleep again?" she asked. Sean nodded. Ellie yawned and curled up, gently closing her eyes.

Sean looked down and noticed that Ellie's arms were always held tightly against her body. They had been since she was cuddling with him on the couch. And when she walked through the halls, when she doing anything that didn't require her to use her hands. They were always being held. Sean reached down and gently began to run his fingers across her arms. Ellie's eyes opened wide, a frightened look plastered across her face. "What's wrong?" Sean asked concerned. Ellie crossed her arms and held them tighter against her.

"nothing" she muttered, and it was now Sean knew that she was avoiding something.

"liar" he said simply. He wasn't mad, and it was said so monotonously that it worried the girl.

"I'm not lying" she said, "nothing's wrong, everything's fine."

"then why are you always holding your arms like that?" Sean asked.

Ellie froze, she stopped breathing, she was a deer caught in headlights.

Ellie relaxed for a moment and her arms dropped from their tight cross position against her chest. Sean gently rubbed her arms, and pulled up the long sleeves to the crook of her elbow. Ellie was involuntarily crying as Sean's fingers slowly ran over each and every cut she'd made that day, that week, that month. "Ellie" Sean said.

Silence.

Sean lifted her arm and he gently pressed his lips against her torn and scared arms. Ellie sobbed heavily. It was the moment that Sean's hot lips pressed against Ellie's cool skin, causing a sweet burning sensation that Ellie slowly stopped crying after that heavy sob. With tears still fresh in her eyes, and running down her cheeks she threw her lips to Sean's nudging his face away from her arms, throwing them around his neck, and rolling on top of him. She feverishly began planting kisses from Sean's lips across his face and down his neck before Sean grabbed her wrists, causing her to stop, and look down into his eyes. He slowly traced his fingers up her arms and gently rested his harm hand on the back of her neck and brought her face down to meet his. He pressed their foreheads together and leaned forward and kissed her tear stained and puffy, red eyes, each one, and then her nose, finally resting his lips on hers. " I love you" he whispered, and Ellie collapsed onto his chest and he wrapped his arms protectively around her once against sobbing figure and holding her tight and close as she laid on top of him.

Running his hand up and down her back he placed his chin atop her head and used every ounce of his being not to cry. "Why do I feel like this is my fault?" he thought inside his head, as he held her crying figure. It wasn't too much longer before Sean felt Ellie's breath slow down and turn into calm rhythmic breathing.

She was asleep.

He slowly rolled onto his side still holding to Ellie. He placed his chin on her shoulder, and didn't let her go the rest of the night.


The next morning Ellie was bouncing like the night before hadn't happened. Sean found her in the kitchen making breakfast with Tracker, as he sat at the kitchen table laughing hysterically as she literally bounced around the kitchen to the music on the radio. And then Sean heard her open her mouth and belt out the words…

constellating pulling pieces together
making a whole
of the parts i gather what will form?
constellating pulling pieces together
under an infinite ebony sky
a pools reflection of the intramural endlessness of life
and i think that star is my mirror image
see how its brighter
then it dims like a light bulb on a shaky circuit
i will induct my wires into a concrete foundation
originating from your eyes you are the very first time
i felt alive
an unacquired sense in your impulsive vibe
that just defeats the fiction in my mind
and now every line is drawn to your light
the endless fight between foes who align
as if to see eye to eye but its those love overrides
shattering consistency
where the air is easy to breathe around you
and trails of thoughts are lost inside the pause around you
a secret spot for broken minds
like mine to find a home inside
high above those who light and stoke the fires underneath you
and who do you redeem and who begins to fly
and now i know what the pieces
will form together

Sean smiled, but thoughts of the night before were constantly running through his head. She was cutting again. He was feeling guilty. Was he supposed to be watching her? Does she want him to make sure she's not cutting? He was trying to put those thoughts out of his head as he sat down at the kitchen table and leaned back as Ellie began serving up pancakes. "Eat quick" she said, "we're already late for school." She said with a smile. Sean picked up a fork and dug in, watching Ellie, watching Tracker. Just watching.

Ellie pecked Sean on the cheek, "I'll be back to walk with you," she said, "I'm gunna run home and shower and change." Sean nodded, and watched as she jogged out of the house.

Ellie unlocked her front door and crept inside. She walked over to the couch and peered down, "still where I left you" she said to herself as her eyes fell upon the vision of her mother passed out on the couch. She made her way up the stairs, peeling off pieces of clothing as she rushed down the hall to the bathroom, where she jumped into the shower. The water poured out an ice cold, making Ellie leap back out of the shower and wait for the water to warm up before climbing back in and taking a quick shower. She grabbed a towel and ran down the hall, her wet bare feet, slopping against the hardwood floors. She burst into her room and began rummaging through her dresser and closet, and finally pulled out a pair of worn in black jeans and a long sleeved grey shirt and a torn and worn green shirt that bore a white star and the words "something new." She laced up a pair of green chucks and threw her hair back in a quick braid to let it dry and then grabbing her eyeliner and mascara she tossed it in her purse, grabbed her bag and rushed down the stairs and out the door, running right smack into Sean who was waiting on her front porch for her.

Ellie smiled and took his hand and walked to school, calmly, taking in their surroundings, even though they were nearly an hour late for school.


A/N: I promised a new chapter in March didn't I? I got to it, it took me a while, but I did it, and I'm proud, i dont' know whatn I'll be able to get another one up, but I will try, every free chance I get I'll jot down another bit of the next chapter or so, this story is coming to an end, there will be a sequel though, no worries, and included will be lots of drama because Degrassi wouldn't be thus unless there was lots of Drama. Thanks to everyone who reviewed...

The song is by a band, Estrela Intramural and it's a pretty upbeat song, really cute band to check them out hit up either purevolume or myspace. I'm basically giving them free advertising right now, they were at my house one new a few weeks ago.

chapter is dedicated to a few people: Arthur (as always) and to Topher (my best friend whose coming to visit me at school) and to Neven ( my ex who was in a car accident recently, so I hope he's okay, him and his girlfriend who was also in the car)

and finally to my Brandon, who's super pretty and I am crushing on him so bad... hehehe 3