Numb
You would rather bleed than be without her
Gone are the tender whispers dancing in your ears
Replaced with lackluster memories you cry, your screams play in your empty room
It's so hard to see when your eyes are rolling in the back of your head
It's even harder to speak when everything you say just comes out wrong
Atreyu / Ain't Love Grand
"Miss Nash, Mr Cameron, you're late" a voice boomed down the hall as their sneakers scuffed against the linoleum floors of DCS. Ellie spun around her braid swinging around and whipping her gently in the face as she turned to face the head principal.
"Sorry Mr.Raditch, we have notes." Sean looked at her funny as she pulled out a folded piece of paper from her jeans and handed it the aging man. Mr.Raditch took the paper reluctantly from between her fingers and read over the neatly formed lines. He looked up and looked between Sean and Ellie and back to the note. The hallway was silent as they waited for him to speak. Sean was positive that he'd be sitting in detention after school.
"Very well, get this to the office and then get to class," Mr.Raditch said as he handed back the note and continued walking down the hall. As Mr.Raditch rounded the corner Sean grabbed Ellie and spun her to face him. She was smiling brightly.
"What the hell was that?" he asked, smiling.
" My mom wrote me a note," she said showing him the yellowing piece of paper.
To Whom is May Concern:
Sean Cameron is currently staying with my family for a few days while his brother is away on business. Please excuse him and Ellie Nash for being late for school this morning, as they were dropping off some charitable items for me at the church on St.James Blvd. I know this may not be a reasonable excuse but I was unable to carry out the task on my own, being fairly busy as I am. Thank you, and have a great day.
-Judy Nash
"So…your, mom, wrote it? Eh?" Sean said linking arms with her and walking her to the office.
"No Sean, the tooth fairy did."
" yea, a tooth fairy named Eleanor." With that statement Ellie punched him gently in the arm and Sean leaned in and kissed his cheek. "I'll see you at lunch El," he said, "I have to get to Ehl's class." Ellie smiled and walked into the office and handed the secretary the note before making her way to her geometry class.
"Nice of you to join us, Miss Nash" Mr. Armstrong said, motioning for Ellie to take her seat.
Ellie blushed and slid into her seat next to Marco and pulled her notebook from her bag and nudged Marco, asking him to borrow his notes so she could catch up. He reluctantly handed over his notebook. Watching intently as Ellie rolled up her sleeves and got to work, he noticed the red cut marks laced across her arms, frowning slightly. Ellie passed the notebook back and smiled. And he took that time to notice that it was a real smile tugging at her lips. Marco smiled back and gladly took his notebook back and ripped a blank sheet from the back, and began scribbling furiously.
Ellie you might wanna pull your sleeves down
He folded up the note and cautiously passed it to her. Ellie read it and immediately blushed and tugged her sleeves down.
THANX
Marco smiled warmly at her from his seat.
no problamo Ellie…you okay?
Ellie's smile faded for a moment.
I haven't been, but I'm doing fine now, cross my heart.
Marco stopped for a moment to solve a problem on the board and returned to his seat to finish his response.
that's good, Ellie, I'm glad, so why were you late?
Ellie blushed furiously, but knowing it was only Marco, she was able to tell him everything.
I spent the night at Sean's…No worries Marco it wasn't a booty call last night, I went over after my Co-Op and had dinner with him and Tracker and fell asleep watching a movie. All innocent, besides if there were any dirty details, you know I'd tell you…
Marco smiled.
So what did happen? You're pretty happy to have just spent the night
Ellie stifled a giggle.
Well I started cutting again, and he noticed on his own, just by how I was acting and my body language. I got upset and started crying and he kissed my cuts and I lost it and crawled on top of him and well…he stopped me, and…
Tears were falling from Ellie's eyes as she slowly finished.
…he told me he loved me, again.
Marco noticed her tears, and felt something inside him break.
Do you love him?
Ellie wiped her eyes.
I think so…
Marco looked at her confused.
You think so?
Ellie shrugged over at Marco.
I really don't know, I'm confused, I don't feel like we have a normal relationship, I mean, the sex is great and we have this amazing connection, but I feel like we should be going about this differently. I'm so confused now…I don't even think I'm making sense.
Marco was confused, but began writing a response that took him the rest of the class time to write. Hehanded her the note as they stumbled out of class. Ellie rushed to her science class and took a seat in the back, curled her knees up to her chest and unfolded Marco's note.
Ellie, obviously Sean loves and cares about you very much. I love you, you're my best friend, and I care about you and your feelings deeply. You need to talk to Sean about this. If you're having doubts with how your relationship is going, maybe you should take a break and figure things out, figure you out. If you continue in a relationship that you are questioning, that makes you confused, then maybe you're not ready for a relationship right now. Looking back at what I've already written, I almost regret saying it. Cause after spending time with Sean you have the biggest smile on your face. You're happy with him. And seeing you happy, it makes me happy. I don't want to you to hurt yourself anymore, I don't want you to be sad.
Gosh! I feel like such a bad guy for suggesting that you and Sean take a break. Maybe it'll be a good idea though, perhaps it'll help you figure out how you really feel about him, especially when he's not around. I love you Ellie, you're smart, I know you'll make the right decision.
Ellie folded the note back up and slipped it into her pocket. She looked up and began jotting down her anatomy notes. She felt like she was losing focus in everything after reading the end of Marco's note. She had to decide, she had to figure out what she was going to do.
Sean turned the corner and instead of walking towards Mr.Ehl's class he made his way to the guidance office and found himself sitting in Suave's office. He sat nervously in the leather chair as Ms.Suave watched him from behind her desk. The room was uneasily silent. Sean cracked his knuckles nervously.
"So Sean, what brings you to my office?" she asked.
Sean looked up for the first time, since he stepped into her office and opened his mouth to speak. The only word to come out, "Ellie."
" what about Ellie, Sean?"
" I dunno" he answered.
" so, tell me about you and Ellie" Ms.Suave suggested.
" She's amazingly strong, I think, no, I know I love her. She helps me out with school, and we do everything together." He got more excited to talk about Ellie, " she brings out the best in me, I mean I thought I loved Emma, I still do, but I love her more as a former first love, like unconditionally, but I really love Ellie. She's amazing…" Sean stopped for a moment as he realized he was starting to gush.
"So everything is great then?"
" Not really " Sean answered.
" What do you mean Sean?" she said, trying to get Sean to open up.
" You like, can't say anything to her or anyone else right?"
" Unless someone is in severe danger, no, everything is confidential, just between you and me. " Ms.Suave answered resting her hands on her desk, and pushing herself to stand. She slowly walked over to the couch that rested against the wall behind Sean. She sat down, and offered Sean a new, comfortable seat.
Sean stood up and replaced the empty space next to the young guidance counselor. "Well, Ellie has been cutting again, though, I'm sure you know. And I think my own brother knew before me, too…I feel like…like it's my fault?"
"And how do think it's your fault, Sean? Ellie is her own person, she makes her own decisions, how are you responsible?"
" well, I feel like it's my responsibility to be taking care of her, watching out, and if she's cutting, then I'm not doing my job. I feel like I'm slowly becoming my parents, I don't want to be like them."
" that's very chivalrous of you, Sean, but you can't always protect someone like Ellie, she's a very independent person."
" I know, that's what I love most about her, and she's beautiful, and has her own mind, her own style, she's beyond the stereotype of a typical punk." Sean said. Then another period of awkward silence took over for a moment before Ms. Suave brought up a very touchy subject.
" Sean, you said you feel like your becoming your parents, what are you parents like?"
" pathetic, stupid, and drunk." Sean said, not wanting to expand on the topic.
"and you feel that you're pathetic stupid and drunk?"
" pretty damn close to being there…"
"how so Sean, your grades are looking a lot better than last year, you're undeniably good a math, your top of your mechanics class with Mr.Ehl, you are by no means stupid or pathetic…"
"but I'm a drunk…even you're admitting it."
"you're only what you want to be Sean."
" but I don't' want to be a drunk…I don't to be like them."
" then don't drink."
"it's not that easy…"
" yes it is…"
"IT'S NOT!" he shouted.
"just like it's not easy for Ellie to top cutting regardless of how many people are looking out for her?" Ms.Suave reasoned. Sean looked at her. " What someone else does is not your fault, just like you can't put the blame on someone else for the things you do. You are your responsibility, just as Ellie is hers."
"drinking is part of who I am…"
"but it's not who you are" Ms. Suave began talking very softly, " Sean, you need to look out for you, before you can look out for Ellie. Maybe you should take some time apart to re-evaluate yourself." She stood up and walked over to the wall in her office that held a variety of packets and picked out a few and handed them to Sean, " AA meetings are Thursday nights at the rec-center, I think you should go or at least to Al-Anon on Wednesday nights. I think you should also attend the AlaTeen meetings on Tuesday nights."
Sean was silent as he shoved the pamphlets in his book bag and took a note from Ms. Suave, covering for his whereabouts while missing class. He began walking down the hall towards the cafeteria to meet Ellie for lunch. And there he found Jay, standing alone waiting for Alex and Amy. "Hey Cameron," Jay said shaking hands with Sean as they walked into the cafeteria.
"hey, brah, can I talk to you?" Sean asked.
Jay looked at Sean funny and walked with him to their table, "yea, sure." Jay was unsure of what Sean wanted, but the serious look on Sean's face announced that it was something important. "so what's this about?" Jay asked, taking at seat at their table.
"Ellie…"
" what about Vampy?"
Sean rolled his eyes, " I think I might need to take a break from her?"
Jay laughed, "why? Is the sex bad?"
" no!" Sean shouted, and quickly got angry as he realized how it came out.
" they why?" Jay asked, stifling his laughter.
" it's me…"
" oh god Sean, you're not gunna tell her that are you? You know how that sounds to a girl, oh it's not you, it's me" he said, imitating what would happen.
"But it is me, Jay, I need to figure some stuff out for a bit."
Jay sighed, " Sean, I know all about Ellie and her little habit," he said making cutting motions above his wrist with his hand, "do you really think this is a good idea?"
" Ellie's a strong girl, Jay, stronger than you give her credit for, she'll be fine." Sean said uneasy of his own words, 'I hope' he thought to himself.
"So what do you need to work out?" Jay asked.
" family issues…"
" okay?"
" I'm thinking about going to some AA meetings."
" Oh come on Sean, your drinking isn't that bad!"
" I know, I know, but my parents, dude, I don't wanna end up like them."
Jay nodded. " I get you man, so what's gunna happen with vampy? She still gunna chill with us?"
" prolly, I mean we're not like, gunna break up, we're just takin' a break."
" yea…you gunna pull that whole, 'we can still be friends' line?"
Sean rolled his eyes, " I intend to stay friends with her…"
" so you guys will be together without the sex?"
" dude…that's the dumbest idea you've ever had."
"Hey Alex, can I talk to you?" Ellie asked, as she walked up to Alex and Amy in the hall, just outside the cafeteria. Amy watched on glaring at Ellie jealously, still a bit peeved that it had been the vampire girl that had sunken her fangs into her Seany. " Alone?" Ellie added as she felt Amy's glare burning into her.
"yea, sure Vamp," Alex answered and ushered Amy inside the cafeteria, "what's up Ellie?"
" I think I need to break up with Sean, or take a break or something?" Ellie said nervously while completely unsure of her words, and if she had even said them right as she snapped her rubber band against her wrist. Alex looked at her funny and looked down and noticed her snapping the rubber band against her wrist. Alex grabbed Ellie's arm and drug her down the hall, away from nosey ears. "Alex, what are you doing?" Ellie said grabbing her arm away as they stood in the dimly lit hallway.
"Why are you telling me this?"
" Because I need some help with this?"
" What you want me to pretend were having an affair so he'll leave you alone?"
Ellie groaned, "no Alex, I don't want him to leave me alone, I just need to take a break, relationship wise from him."
"why? And why aren't you telling queer boy about this?" Alex asked, "I'm not a girly girl, Ellie, the only thing that makes me a straight girl are these," she said grabbing her breasts, " and this and what I want to put in it."
" Because you're friends with Sean, and I hoped that we were friends enough that you could help me."
"Look Ellie, is it something you want to do?" Alex asked, "Like really do? Because from what I've seen you and Sean are a great couple, and you aren't nauseatingly cute like Miss Bitch and her little love slave" she answered referring to Paige and Spinner.
"Marco said that I should take a break, because I'm questioning the relationship."
"well Marco is a fag, what does he know about how girls feel?" Alex said, and noticed the angry look on Ellie's face as she insulted her best friend, "sorry, look sometimes questioning the relationship, isn't always a bad thing, it can give you a chance to make things better."
Ellie sighed, "I still dunno what to do,"
"Me, neither, but right now, let's eat."
Ellie rolled her eyes and silently agreed.
Alex and Ellie slowly made their way into the cafeteria and over to the back corner.
Amy rolled her eyes, 'who does she think she is?' she asked herself silently. She slowly made her way over to her normal table in the back of the cafeteria. She watched as Sean and Jay conversed. Carefully and intently she noticed the way Jay's facial expressions changed and the way his body language showed it was something serious, and then she noticed Jay's hand motions, and realized they were talking about Ellie. She inched closer, her ears perking to attention, realizing that they were discussing the fact that Sean might be breaking up with Ellie. Amy smiled inside.
" so you guys will be together without the sex?"
" dude…that's the dumbest idea you've ever had," Amy heard Jay mutter as she got closer to the table.
"Hey guys," she muttered sweetly slipping into her normal seat. The boys got silent and then slowly turned into normal conversation, hoping Amy hadn't heard the entire conversation.
" Hey slut," Jay said.
" Are you talking about me, darling?" Alex wondered aloud, kissing Jay hard on the lips.
"Always" Jay said, grabbing her rear in between kisses.
Ellie took a seat next to Sean and rested her head gently on his shoulder. Sean wrapped an arm around her shoulder and gently massaged her shoulder. "Hey babe" he said sweetly, "how you doing?"
"fine" Ellie said, a bit unsure of herself, "I'm fine."
" good" he said smiling and pecking her on the cheek, " you coming over tonight?"
" yea, but I think I need to go home tonight eventually," she said, and slowly stood up, "I'm gunna go grab some food, you want anything?"
" just grab me some fries and a chocolate milk, I'll pay you back later." Sean answered, and watched as Ellie and the girls walked up to grab some food. Sean turned to Jay, "Brah, you think she heard anything?"
"who? Amy? Prolly not," Jay answered while shrugging his shoulders.
"she's the last thing I need on my back with all this," Sean said.
"or on your lap…dude, she's still all about your cock, man."
" I know, now I have to worry about her and Emma."
"What's this about Cause Girl?" Jay asked, now confused.
" She's getting weird on me again, I dunno,…"
"Sean, you're just a little stud, everyone wants a piece of you, I know I do," Jay said while flirtatiously joking with Sean and playfully touching his shoulder. Sean laughed. "Cause you're so- hot, baby, I'd leave Alex for you any day."
"Jay are you hitting on my boyfriend?" Ellie asked, setting the tray down on the table.
"You know it Vampy" Jay said winking and sending a flirtatious smile Sean's way.
" Did I just hear right?" Alex asked, "my boyfriend's gone queer? Hold on, let me grab Del Rossi, you two would make a good couple."
Jay laughed, "no he's too girly for me, I like men rough and tumble."
"you're a red neck gay!" Amy laughed.
" that's a contradiction if I've heard one," Ellie said laughing and smiling as she passed Sean his fries and chocolate milk.
And then silence. An awkward silence, that needed to be filled.
"So…Amy, where were you this weekend?" Jay asked, "You weren't down at the ravine."
" Out of town…Bradley had a motocross competition, he needed some help preparing for races," she answered, smoothly, casually sending a flirtatious glance Sean's way.
" slut" Alex said laughing and gently nudging her.
" a damn good one" Amy laughed back.
The whole table had a good laugh, even Sean with an uncomfortable laugh, he didn't like the way Amy was looking at him. 'Please don't let her have heard…' Sean thought to himself; having Amy know about his plans to voice to Ellie his feelings about the idea of a break put an unhealthy feeling in the pit of his stomach. It was bad enough that his mind was wandering to Emma and why she was being so weird, he didn't need Amy added into this mix. He looked over at Ellie and watched her smile. He watched her laugh. This was killing him. But he had to do it, he had to do it, because he loved Ellie. He wanted to give her the best, Ms.Suave was right, how could he, how could anyone expect to take care of Ellie if they couldn't even take care of themselves. 'Look at Mrs. Nash, she can't even take care of Ellie, I can't put her through something like that anymore."
Sean reached down under the table and gently rubbed Ellie's leg and grabbed her hand as it rested on her thigh and squeezed it tightly. His eyes watched her as she smiled gently. 'God, I hope I'm making the right decision.'
A/N: Okay, didn't actually expect to be writing or posting tonight, but I wrote this all this evening and I'm quite excited to have finished it. This story is coming to a slow end. You all might hate me for what's happened in this chapter, and what you can expect to happen in the next one or two. But I promise you there will bea sequel, for which you won't hate me. I've also got some ideas in the works for an Ashley/Mark spin-off that I know some of you might be happy with. We'll see. Next month I'm filming our 16mm student film, so I'll be fairly busy, but I'll try and get done what I can. I promise. I cross my heart.
I didn't include a set of lyrics, because there really wasn't a need for it, and the chapter was fairly long as it was. I didn't have any lyrics to really fit the chapter, except for the usually beginning of the chapter lyrics.
Chapter is dedicated to Arthur (because he secretly reads this), cause he's silly...and makes me cry happy tears! And it made me want to get off my lazy ass and write for you guys. He put me in the writing mood. And he reads the reviews as well, so if you'd like to thank him, your more than welcome to mention a thank you to him in your review, if you review.
Very important
When I first started writing this, I was not sure of Amy's name because I started this before season 3 really started, it was based on the promo shots for the season. So Amy's name was Jules in previous chapters. I would hope that you all read this, because her name is now Amy, I'd go back and change her name but I feel there is really no need to, so long as you are all smart enough to understand, and I figure if you're reading this, you can surely comprehend what I'm talking about, and you obviously aren't illiterate.
