Numb

Your bed swallows you whole as the days bleed together, torment on the lips

Of a loved one, and if you try hard enough,

you can almost taste her, feel her pass and

Scream, OH GOD WHY ME

You would rather bleed than be without her

Gone are the tender whispers dancing in your ears

Replaced with lackluster memories you cry, your screams play in your empty room

It's so hard to see when your eyes are rolling in the back of your head

It's even harder to speak when everything you say just comes out wrong

Atreyu / Ain't Love Grand

Ellie tugged her braid loose and her usually straight hair fell into a wavy mess of red locks as she walked up to Sean and Tracker's. She ran her fingers through her hair mussing it up gently as she adjusted her bag and kicked gently on the screen door. She rubbed her palms with her fingers and wiped her hands on her faded jeans, sweaty palms; she was nervous. What was she so nervous about, she knew the break would only be temporary, she just needed to figure things out, she'd go back to Sean and everything would be okay, he loved her.

Tracker answered the door and smiled as he leaned one arm against the opposite door frame to where he stood and Ellie ducked under his arm as she slipped inside the house, gently dropping her bag on the floor by the door and falling down on the couch. "Sean ran out to grab some soda, he'll be back in a few Els," he said closing the door and walking back to the kitchen. Ellie pulled her knees up on the couch with her and she fumbled with her dirty shoelaces. Tracker watched intently from the kitchen as he poked the chicken in the frying pan with a fork. Just by the way she sat with her knees curled up to her chest and how she fumbled nervously from her shoelaces that she was nervous, that she was scared. She stopped playing with her shoelaces and her hands traveled to her arms and she hugged herself. "How's it goin' El?" Tracker asked as he turned the chicken over in the pan on the searing stove.

Ellie looked up and into the kitchen, she shrugged, "fine."

" What are you and Sean doin' on Friday?"

" I dunno," Ellie answered softly, 'depends on how well Sean handles my news,' she thought to herself while staring at her shoes, again finding something interesting in her dirty shoelaces.

"Well are you coming over for dinner? Kemmie's coming over I need to know how much to make."

"Depends on if Sean takes the break well." She said in a whisper, hoping that Tracker would hear but at the same time not.

"what break?"

Ellie looked up, " you heard that?"

Tracker gave her a confused look and turned off the stove and walked over to the couch. He sat down on the open end of the couch and looked at Ellie, still playing with her shoes. "what break?" he asked again. Ellie rolled back and rested her head on the arm of the couch.

" I want…I need to take a break from Sean." She answered sitting back up.

"Why?"

" I dunno," she answered, "Marco says…."

"does Marco make decisions for you?" Tracker said getting a bit angry. Here he was, sitting on the couch with his little brother's girlfriend trying to convince her not to break up with Sean. The girl that helped Sean bring up his grades; gave him a reason to be a good kid again; helped him realize that life goes beyond first heartbreaks.

"why are you getting upset about this Tracker?" Ellie asked, "I just need to take a break, I'm so confused." She was starting to get upset, "I don't know if I love him as much as he loves me. I can't say it back, …I haven't said it back." She took a moment to breathe and calm her nerves, "I don't want to break this off for good, I just need to re-evaluate myself, I need to fix myself, I'm broken."

Tracker stared at her with a soft gaze.

"I don't want to hurt him because I hurt myself."

"Ellie, don't you think if you were hurting him, he'd let you know?"

Ellie shook her head, "he knows what I do, don't you think that he feels if he leaves me on his own accord that I'll go cut myself?"

" do you really believe that Ellie?" Tracker asked. Ellie nodded and focused her gaze, on the couch pattern. " Look at me Ellie," Ellie looked up, "do you really think he'd do that, he's lived with me Ellie," Tracker held out his arms, baring for the first time his deepest scars, "do you really think he'd think like that?"

" I don't know…I need to talk this out with him." Ellie said.

" yea…maybe that's a good idea." He said standing up, just as Sean walked through the door.

"Are you guys talking about me?" Sean asked carrying the plastic bag of soda, "my ears are burning."

Tracker tried to avoid his gaze and walked into the kitchen, and attempted to finish cooking the meal. Sean dropped the soda on the table and made his way to the couch and kissed Ellie on the cheek, "hey babe."

Ellie attempted a small smile, as Sean's lips touched her cheek, and raised her arm to play with his hair.

"Alright love birds…dinner's ready." Tracker called from the kitchen.

Dinner was a bit awkward. Tracker stared at Ellie

Ellie stared at Sean.

Sean stared at Ellie.

Ellie changed her gaze to Tracker.

Tracker disagreed with Ellie when it came to her taking a break from Sean.

Sean knew what he was going to do.

Ellie, she wasn't so sure. She had almost hoped that Sean would make this easy.

"Why is everyone so quiet?" Sean asked, looking back and forth between Ellie and Tracker. More silence, and Sean came to a very outlandish conclusion, he turns to Ellie, "Are you…you two?...are you…" Sean couldn't get the words out, but Tracker's eyes bugged and he coughed up food into his napkin before laughing hysterically.

"No…Sean…No, as much of a looker as Ellie is, and as much as we have in common, I'm not bumping boots with your girlfriend, I have one remember? Her name is Kemmie…she's coming to dinner on Friday?...does it ring a bell?" Tracker answered, hoping his brother would calm his nerves before he had an aneurysm.

Sean took a calming breath and smiled in relief, "good…"

"Speaking of Kemmie…and Friday…are you two joining us for dinner?" Tracker asked in between bites.

"Um…" Ellie answered, "I might be doing something…" she continued as she stirred the rice on her plate with her fork.

Sean looked over at Ellie, "yea, me too…" he said distantly as he quickly looked over to his older brother.

Silence.

"So…" Tracker said, trying to start up conversation.

"You know what, I think I'm stuffed, you stuffed Els?" Sean said, then casually asking his girlfriend in code to join him in his room.

Ellie nodded and followed suit to empty her remaining portions into the trash before gently placing her plate in the sink.


Ellie sat nervously on the edge of Sean's bed. Sean seemed frightfully distant as she leaned into kiss him, pressing her lips hard against his, 'why am I doing this? I shouldn't be trying to kiss him before I ask him to take a break…this is so wrong…' Sean broke away from the kiss, startling, yet relieving Ellie.

"Ellie…"

The tone in his voice was worrying her. She was running through thoughts in her head as if it were a marathon. She was supposed to be the one who's voice would sound like that, 'what is going on?'

"Ellie, I think…" Sean was struggling with his words. He closed his eyes for a moment, going over the words he's planned so delicately in his head. His thoughts wandered to the meeting he had with Sauve, ' Sean, you need to look out for you before you can look out for Ellie.' He took another deep breath, "I think we could take a break…I'm drowning Ellie, and I don't want to bring you down with me." He said opening his eyes.

Ellie sat on the edge of his bed, she was silent. She opened her mouth to speak, but it was several unsettling seconds before a word slipped out, "yea…" Ellie was mentally beating herself up inside, 'yea? That's all you can say! He has the same idea and all you can say is yea?' Ellie took a deep breath, "I understand, Sean."

" I mean…I don't wanna break up Ellie,… I just need to settle myself out." Sean said, gently taking her hands, "are you sure you're okay with this? I mean…we don't have to do this…"

"No, fix herself up Sean…" she said sniffling, 'oh gosh, you're crying! Ellie stop crying, you both want this!' she yelled at herself, she wiped her eyes, before tears could fall, "fix yourself up and come back to me."

Ellie stood up.

Sean jumped to his feet.

Ellie began walking towards the door, Sean still holding onto one of her hands.

"Um…I'm gunna go home…homework," Ellie said smoothly.

Sean was getting worried, "you're sure about this? you promise you're okay with this?"

Ellie nodded, "yea…homework…it's calling my name" Ellie said boldly as she made her way to the door, "I can hear the numbers shouting to me...Ellie! what's the difference in the circumference of these two circles!...Ellie! what's the area of this octagon!...Elllllie! come solve me..." she said sweetly, "Ellie! Solve me…." She continued laughing, " hear that Sean?...I really gotta go," she said as she reached the door and walked out, "I'll see you tomorrow."

Sean laughed, and leaned in to kiss her on the cheek. Ellie froze for a moment, and then gently hugged him before making her way out the door.

Sean watched from the screen door as Ellie wrapped her arms tight around herself and made her way down the street, walking home.

" You're not walking her home?" Tracker asked from the couch.

" I don't think she wants me to," Sean answered as she fell down on the couch next to him, kicking his feet up on the coffee table.

"Why?" Tracker asked amused, after all, why would she be mad at him if she was going to initiate a break? 'it can only mean one thing' he thought to himself, 'she didn't go through with it.'

" I told her, that I think we should take a break," Sean said.

Tracker's amused smile faded from his face as he turned his head, "You what?"

" I need to settle myself out," Sean answered, "I thought it was the best idea."

Tracker rolled his eyes and stayed silent.

There was nothing he wanted to say to his little brother.


­

Ellie fell down on her bed, " why am I crying?" she asked herself aloud, as tears fell down her cheeks. She sat up and wiping her eyes dry with her sleeve, " you were going to do it first, he just beat you to the punch." Ellie laughed, "great, now you're talking to yourself." Ellie climbed off her bed and ambled over to her stereo and CD rack and pulled out her Killswitch Engage, the End of Heartache CD and popped it into her stereo, her fingers skipping the CD to track seven.

Seek me, call me
I'll be waiting

This distance, this dissolution
I cling to memories while falling
Sleep brings release, and the hope of a new day
Waking the misery of being without you

Surrender, I give in
Another moment is another eternity

(Seek me) For comfort, (Call me) For solace
(I'll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart
(Seek me) Completion, (Call me) I'll be waiting
(I'll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart

You know me, you know me all too well
My only desire - to bridge our division

In sorrow I speak your name
And my voice mirrors my torment

(Seek me) For comfort, (Call me) For solace
(I'll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart
(Seek me) Completion, (Call me) I'll be waiting
(I'll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart

Am I breathing?
My strength fails me
Your picture, a bitter memory

For comfort, for solace
(Seek me) For comfort, (Call me) For solace
(I'll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart
(Seek me) Completion, (Call me) I'll be waiting
(I'll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart

Ellie laid back on her bed and closed her eyes and found herself drowning in the music. Still confused about why she herself was upset, she managed to tell herself it was for the best, and reminded herself that she wanted it as well. "Everything will be okay," she told herself, "worry about yourself." Ellie knew when she woke up the next morning, that she'd be nursing a partially broken heart, but she'd be nursing her head as well. "No more broken Ellie," she told herself as she closed her eyes, slowly drifting off to sleep.


A/N: Alrighty all...welcome to the end of Numb! everyone pat yourselves on the back, and prepare yourselves for a sequel that will make Degrassi's intenseness look like an episode of Dawson's Creek. Just know that Sean and Ellie are not broken up...they are on a break, but that doesn't mean it'll stay that way forever...it can go either way, and with what I have in store...:shudders:

Keep a look out for the sequel, and the spin-off about Ash/Mark, and a side note with that project, What issues haven't been done on Degrassi?email me with anything of that caliber please, or any ideas you wanna throw at me about Ash/Mark...

I've also been bored on Spring Break, so I made dolls for all the characters that may or may not be mentioned, and they can be found on my photobucket account under the name: justmaibe, I'd add a link, but they don't seem to work for me...

Hope everyone had a great holiday, and I'll try and get the sequel up ASAP:crosses heart: