I do not own Smash Brothers. Lights off, punks!


Falcon

While cruising in his Blue Falcon, Captain Falcon was contemplating how drunk he needed to be to wash away his sorrows.

A week ago, he found the perfect woman. She didn't talk much and she had the biggest rack he had ever saw.

But the karmic forces of the universe decided to pull a cosmic prank on him. The woman he was dating was actually a blow- up doll. It never crossed his mind that she was a synthetic human construct, despite the men that laughed at him and the women who covered the eyes of their children.

He eventually discovered the soul crushing truth about his dream girl when he took her to the hospital after she deflated. The doctors told him never to defile their hospital again. The nurses threw hypodermic needles at him. All sterilized, of course. They still had their code of ethics.

He blew a sigh and admitted to himself. He was lost. He regretted procrastinating repairs to his GPS suite. To compound his troubles, these road maps were so hard to decipher. It was color coordinated, but that didn't make the reading of the map any easier. Where in the U.S.A was 'Russia?'

He decided to stop to ask for directions. He spotted a crowd of women gathering at a wooden stage. Once near, he stopped the Blue Falcon and got out to ask one of them.

He went to a woman with his 'road map' and tapped her on the shoulder.

"Yes," she asked, "what do you want?"

Falcon pointed at the map. "Show me your moves!"

Women blinked. "Excuse me, I thought you said-"

Falcon jabbed at the map again. "Show me your moves!"

"What's going on?"

It was another woman that spoke.

"I don't know," replied her friend.

Falcon repeated his phrase again.

"I know what he's doing," growled one woman. "He's trying to undermine our authority by propagating the connotation that all women should be strippers!"

"The nerve of him!" shouted another woman.

"Get him!"

Falcon tried to escape, but the woman he first asked grabbed him, allowing others to catch up.

And so, the Woman's Rally of Empowerment taught the misogynistic pig a lesson. They took turns letting loose wicked kicks to his groin. They soundly beat him with his hard cover 'road map.' Oh, and they parked his Blue Falcon on top of him. The idiot left the engine on stand-by with no security locks.

Yoshi

The Disney Land was as vast as it was confusing. It was obvious to expect Yoshi's lack of navigational knowledge since he was dinosaur who lived most of his life on an island.

He wondered and glanced at the touted attractions, until he his belly rumbled. He purchased a hot dog from a vendor and settled on a park bench.

"Mommy look," shouted a little girl, "its Yoshi!"

"What do you know," said her Mother, "I didn't know he was part of Disney."

Yoshi shook his head to disprove their perception. He got up to leave.

"Wait," said the girl, "take off you mask!"

Yoshi shook his head again. Kids these days had no concept of manners. He blamed the new generations' rudeness on the parents. He got off the bench and started to walk away.

"Come back you stupid dinosaur."

Yoshi turned and fixed the little girl with a disapproving look.

Her Mother laughed nervously.

"Please, do this as a favor. She always had a fascination for people that wear costumes."

"Yoshi!" spoke the dinosaur.

"Ahh, that's nice. Now can you please remove your helmet?"

Yoshi shook his head. How can he get it through to them that he was not an employee of Disney? Better yet, how was he suppose to communicate the fact that he was of a species thought long to be extinct?

"Look, I don't know if you have a zealous fixation with Yoshi, it's not my business. However, I would appreciate it as a sign of generosity, if you will do this for my daughter."

Again Yoshi shook his head and said, "Yoshi."

The Mother wouldn't take no for an answer. She strode up to Yoshi and inserted her hands in his mouth.

"Look, you freak, how hard can it be to-"

She never finished her word, as Yoshi instinctively swallowed her whole.

The little girl screamed and ran off to find security.

Yoshi quickly passed her out in a giant egg. He could hear her muffled screams.

"Let me out! Help!"

Disney Land was sure magically, thought Yoshi. Too bad, he had to leave for reasons that are unrelated to what just transpired. He leapt over the nearest fence and ran for the Los Angeles airport.