"Breaking The Habit"
Memories consume
Like opening the wound
I'm picking me apart again
You all assume
I'm safe here in my room
Unless I try to start again
They don't know, nor do they realize. I can't let them, they'll just tell him, and he'll...he'll be him. The overwhelming feeling of dread lingers, I want to scrub it off, make my skin go raw, and it's still not good enough. nothing ever is. I have to be perfect, a prefect, the smart one. If I am the smart one, why am I doing this? Why am I leading them all to believe I am alright? That I'm not hurt, unscarred.
I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused
I don't want to have to do this, but there is no stopping myself. My will is weaker than my emotions. Haywire and out of control. The battles raging over my dysfunctional body, taking its toll on my life. The darkness always consumes, and resumes the tortuous conditions forced upon it. My mind is bemused, befuddled, insane. I cannot make up my mind, to fight this, or to go along with it.
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight
I know that this, in particular, is not worth it. I need not what they do, I need what this simplicity can give, but then why is it so wrong? Why is feeling relief so goddamn wrong? Is a person not allowed to lead a simplistic lifestyle the way he wants? Against society and against friends. Friends who know nothing, who suspect less than nothing. Utter betrayal written on their faces when I burst, scream, tell things they do not expect. But what do they do? Brush it off. It's that time of the month. How had things gone so terribly wrong? I was born, that's the only explanation, so I guess I better correct it.
Clutching my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more
Than anytime before
I had no options left again
Metal, it's truly beasts best friend. A cage of emotions wound together, keeping him from escaping, harming. Yet an escape in itself. The metal and I need to be alone, no prying eyes, no questioning lips. Pressing into my mind, the relief of the warmth and the solidness of the draining. There is no other way, no other option to go to. All doors are closed, and locked behind me. Pressing into my memory, my flesh, my best friend the razor.
I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused
Everything happens for a reason, what's my reason? my father, myself. Hatred, placed and instilled in my brain. My own hatred triumphing. It always won the battle, hatred over all. No love to compete was strong enough. Impassible as the last defender of sanity and truth. Twisted, sick half truths were more satisfying. As a whole the truth is the worst thing. The worst possible answer.
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So, I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight
The only thing I am worth, is my happy razor. Oh how I long for a dagger, a dagger of silver, to mortally wound, to not heal, like my emotions, never healing. I can't fight the immortality, oh how I wish. To feel cold, more than the state of mind. More than the cold, harsh reality. I have no reason to cover up, they can see it. In my emotionless, statuesque eyes. Their questions unwanted, but not unfounded. A right un-liked by me, one unjustly used to pry, to get me to stop these empty tears. I say I need nobody, nothing. In fact I need more than I can get, help. Love, but all are unattainable, for I am a freak, which will be no more as soon as my best friend does his job.
I'll paint it on the walls
'Cause I'm the one at fault
I'll never fight again
And this is how it ends
The deep red, it shows a reflection, silver glinting, dulled and destroyed. The red dripping down the wall, the place of origin, smudged and forgotten. The pain increased with each throbbing press to the stone. I need it, want it. This is my doing, and nothing to explain as the metal falls to the floor, laying down as still as I wish I could. I give up. No more. Anything.
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
But now I have some clarity
to show you what I mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So, I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
The darkness settles in. Not through my retinas, but my mind. Evil washing over light. No more fighting where useless. I don't know what to think, which to prove right, wrong. I need to scream, let it out. No reason just, to. they don't understand, they never will. Nor will they want to. Or need to. They nee don't know, as I do not need to know. Things happen, and this, this is how I deal. How I break the monotonous ritual that is called life. I'm breaking their habit of leaving me alone. I want them to find me, to see my blood smeared against my arm, against my wall. Throughout the whole wide world, until they understand. Until the try, until someone, somebody, anybody cares. And I need them to care
Tonight
