Chapter 15: Welcome to my Life

A/N: This is a songfic to Simple Plan's "Welcome to my Life". It is in Chris' P.O.V about his feelings. You realise a few things Chris has been keeping pent up inside. Charmed/Simple Plan + me no own. I really should be studying for my exams, but I just had to write this. Hope you like this.

Do you ever feel like breaking down?

Do you ever feel out of place?

Like somehow you just don't belong

And no one understands you.

I've been an outsider for as long as I could remember. I was different from the rest of the family. I have two sets of memories. It's like I have two different lives. I wish one of them would understand. Mel knows, but she doesn't understand what it's like. Sometimes, I just feel like I want to star crying. The more I keep it inside, the more it hurts. I wish I could talk to someone, I mean really talk. But they wouldn't understand.

Even without the memories, I've always been different. My mom said I have my head in the clouds. I've never had friends. I just don't interact well with people, I guess. All the demons I've fought, the evil I've faced, I feel like I've been going through the motions. There is no one on this earth that can know what it's like. There isn't a soul who's gone through what I did. I discovered the truth about Leo and it scared me. I can't forget that in my other life my brother was evil and ruled the world. I wish I could forget.

Do you ever want to run away?

Do you lock yourself in your room?

With the radio on turned up so loud

That no one hears you screaming.

I've thought about running away. Numerous times. I've packed and unpacked my bags. Aunt Phoebe almost caught me once. But she never would have figured things out. I hide things well. Sometimes I think it's just so obvious. How I'm feeling, I mean. How many times have my door been locked while I contemplated suicide.

I actually tried it more than once. I cut myself. Several times people were home. I always decided against it when I felt the pain. I've always had a low tolerance for physical pain. I would scream so loud that I was afraid someone might hear. But no one ever did. Because they didn't listen.

No you don't know what it's like

When nothing feels alright

You don't know what it's like

To be like me.

People keep asking me if I'm okay. What they don't get is that I'm never going to be ok. I never have been. I've always had these memories. Just because they weren't real didn't mean that it didn't hurt. All the pain Wyatt had inflicted in that life, it was hard to bond with him now. And the death of his mother, that hurt the most. Especially if it turned out to be true.

It's hard, really hard. To be myself in this world hurt to much. It hurt that my father hates me. I occasionally wonder what he hates. I wonder what's wrong with me. . I just want him to love me. I just want to be loved. The hardest thing about my life is living it.

To be hurt, to feel lost

To be left out in the dark

To be kicked when you're down

To feel like you've been pushed around.

I've been hurt by every single one of them . For the most part, they don't realize what they're doing. Every time they yell at me it hurts me. I really don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to live. The hardest thing about the world is living in it.

It seems like every time they get angry I'm already miserable. I try so hard, but it's never good enough. I just want to be loved. Unconditionally. Mel says I have that from her, but it's not enough. I've never told anyone about what Leo says to me. A part of me thinks that if I push myself hard enough I'll be good enough. I know it's wrong, but I can't forget.

To be on the edge of breaking down

And no one's there to save you

No you don't know what it's like

Welcome to my life.

I always feel like I'm teetering on the edge. I'm always about to break down. I'm in so much pain. The only ones I've ever been able to talk to was aunt Prue and Grandpa. They were the only ones that would listen. No one else in my family even noticed. They didn't care enough to realize the pain I was in. Mel only noticed because of her powers. She didn't really notice. None of them did.

They never realized what Leo was doing. He's perfect in their eyes. So is Wyatt, Mr. Twice - Blessed one. It's not his fault, but the fault of his mother and aunts. They saw Wyatt as perfect, so they never questioned him. Often Wyatt would get angry with him when they yelled at me for something insignificant. It wasn't enough. They didn't realize what they were doing.

Do you wanna be somebody else?

Are you sick of feeling so left out?

Are you desperate to find something more

Before your life is over?

I wish I could be different. But I know that I can't. I want to have a father who loves me. I want to have a family who cares. I try to get my hopes down, to convince myself that it wasn't gonna happen. I don't want the memories. I try to forget them, tell myself they aren't real. But that's not the truth. Some of them are real.

I'm on the outside looking in. All the time. I could tell since I was young that I was different from all of them. I yearn for something, anything, to make life worth living. I need someone, anyone to hold on to. Mel isn't enough. I know who I need. I need my mother.

Are you stuck inside a world you hate?

Are you sick of everyone around?

With their big fake smiles and stupid lies

While deep inside you're bleeding.

After a demon attack, my mother and my aunts always say the same thing. Everything's gonna be alright. You say that all the time and I'm sick of it. There hasn't been a single instance when you actually meant it. No. So why do you say it anymore?

You smile and go about you business. What you don't realize is that things have never been all right. I've been in pain, my entire life. Each time Leo contacts me, each time I'm yelled at, a die a little inside. You say everything will be okay. You know it's a lie. I know it's a lie. So what's the point?

No you don't know what it's like

When nothing feels alright

No you don't know what it's like

To be like me...

To be hurt, to feel lost

To be left out in the dark

To be kicked when you're down

To feel like you've been pushed around

To be on the edge of breaking down

And no one's there to save you

No you don't know what it's like

Welcome to my life.

It all started when I was about four, I suppose. That was the age I realized two things. The first was that my father would never be there for me. It wasn't so obvious, but I knew it all the same. He wasn't coming to my birthday. I remembered clearly that he came to Wyatt's. But not to mine, I wasn't worth the effort. The second realization was that I was different.

That realization came a bit more gradually. The memories had always been there, but it was some of the more painful ones I couldn't comprehend. The worst were the ones about my brother Wyatt. How could my big brother, my hero, have hurt me so much? The memories about Leo were painful, yes, but they were nothing new.

From then on, things just got progressively worse. The hurt just built up, and I had no one I could talk to. I wanted to just let it all out. I sensed that if I did, I would feel a lot better. But then hiding it became a part of me. When Mel felt how I felt, it was like a mask I had been wearing for years had just crumbled away. It was liberating, yet at the same time frightening.

No one ever lied straight to your face

And no one ever stabbed you in the back

You might think I'm happy

But I'm not gonna be okay

The lies are what hurt most of all. They were for the most part unintentional, but they hurt the most of all. When Leo told me this time he'd make it, I used to believe him. When he said he wouldn't let me down, I thought this time he meant it. When my mother or one of my aunts told me things would be okay after Leo didn't show up I could see the dishonesty in their eyes. THE TRUTH! I used to want to scream. JUST TELL ME THE TRUTH! That's all I really wanted. All I had dared to hope for.

On the darkest of days, on the loneliest of nights I remembered the worst of all my memories. It was the memory of when I died. That one was fuzzy, as it was the last of them. I was stabbed in the back by someone I trusted. Someone I thought was a good guy. That feeling of betrayal was still there. I had a feeling it would never go away. I was, in a sense, stabbed in the back both literally and metaphorically as well. When people ask me if I'm gonna be okay I automatically say yes. In truth, I'm never gonna be okay.

Everybody always gave you

what you wanted

You never had to work

it was always there

You don't know what it's like

What it's like.

I used to envy the other members of my family. I looked at their lives and thought about how easy they had it. They have a support system, unconditional love. It's everything I've ever wanted. Life came so easy to them. Everything in my life was so difficult. They were all in the dark about how I felt. I'm the one in the background, the one nobody remembers. I try so hard just to be good enough. It's never enough. All I want is to be loved.

Welcome to my Life.