A/N: So this is a 2doc fanfic, it will be abusive. It's not meant to be abuse glorification but instead a proper representation of what an abusive relationship could be like. That being said, if you recognize your own relationship in this fanfic you should probably think twice about if you truly are happy with this person or not.

If you've read my profile you'll already know that I'm in university. I just want you to know that it might take time before I am able to update the story but I can promise you that I won't EVER desert this fanfic midway through. Also, English is not my native language and it was ages ago I actually uploaded a fanfic, so don't be too harsh on me kay? Last thing, I think this is M rated? Not sure where the line between M and MA is, but I'd say this is M. If it's MA and get's taken down I'll remove a part and re-upload it! I'd probably also upload the MA version somewhere else. But as I said, I think this is M. That is all, I hope you enjoy!

Chapter 1: Denial

Breathing slow and steady he was lying on his side in his bed, trying to fall asleep. Tonight did not seem to be in his favor. Only a few hours ago he had broken up with his abusive and controlling girlfriend of a year. However that was not what was keeping him awake. Murdoc was. Somewhere along the line of telling Murdoc about the break up he had invited himself to spend the night in 2Ds room. The blue haired singer didn't really know how to feel about it. Secretly he had crushed on the bassist for at least 6 months now and when he invited himself over to his bed there was just no way he could say no.

2D could feel the bassist's warm breath on his neck and the weight of his arm on his waist. He was sure that Murdoc was already asleep and somehow thought he was lying next to some hookup. A sigh escaped the singers' lips as the longing for a smoke grew stronger. He could easily just get up and have one but he was afraid that Murdoc would wake up and leave, so he stayed put. Still he thought that maybe it was for the better. Having Murdoc close only caused him to have a slight inner crisis anyway. Part of him wanted to act out his feelings and make a move on Murdoc, another part of him wanted to kick the bassist out of the bed so he could be alone with his thoughts. After all 2D didn't want a relationship with the bassist; he was not in love. Using Murdoc as a rebound was also out of the question. Besides, 2D didn't want to make a fool out of himself for even bringing it up. He decided not to think about it any longer.

Just as 2D was about to fall asleep Murdoc spoke:

"Face-ache?" he murmured.

Tension shot through 2D's body, causing his heart to beat harder and his eyes to open wide.

"Yes?" his voice cracked.

He was met by silence. This caused the younger man great discomfort. Barely breathing he glanced at the digital alarm clock across the room; it was 2AM. The alarm clock was the only thing 2D could see in the darkness, since his night vision was impaired from the 8-ball fractures and the alarm clock lit up.

2.05 AM.

"Are you awake?"

Murdocs lips almost touched 2D's ear and the warm breath caused the singer's heart to race and a small shiver to spread through his body. Murdoc noticed as he still had his arm around the younger man. 2D begun to slowly panic; what if Murdoc actually wanted to sleep with him. Trying to come up with another reason for Murdoc's behavior seemed impossible. He was not ready for this.

"Yes"

Once again he was met by silence. Breathing normally became impossible. Desperate to hide it he bit down hard on his lower lip. Slowly Murdoc loosened the grip around 2D's body and instead placed his hand on the singers shoulder.

"Turn around" Murdoc demanded.

2D tried to swallow but was barely able to. Closing his eyes he tried to pretend that he didn't know what was coming next. He was not ready. It was too soon. The bassist pulled him gently. Without resistance 2D turned around. At first he tried to locate Murdoc's eyes, but it was useless. Murdoc did however not have any problems finding 2D's.

"Hey" Murdoc whispered as he placed his hand onto the singer's waist.

This time it was 2D's turn to respond with silence. He couldn't think of a single thing to say. The whole situation was too absurd and 2D struggled not to make his discomfort apparent. In his mind he was angry with himself for letting this happen; he should have said no the first time Murdoc mentioned staying in his room. He closed his eyes in a failed attempt to make Murdoc realize on his own that it was a bad idea.

Murdoc did not get the message. Instead he used this opportunity to lean forward and kiss him, quickly, once, without tongue. 2D did not open his eyes. Slowly he curled up closer to the bassist, trying to hide his panic and get his face out of the bassist's reach. He placed his hand on Murdoc's shoulder and pressed his forehead towards his chest. There was a noticeable difference between how fast their hearts were beating.

For a minute or two Murdoc caressed his lower back. Then he let his hand wander up 2D's ribcage making its way to the singer's neck. He tilted the singers head upwards and looked into his empty black eyes. Murdoc seemed to have an internal struggle as well. They both knew what was coming. All 2D could do was wait. After a few seconds of mutual tension Murdoc leaned in for another kiss, this time he slid his tongue into 2D's mouth. The singer responded immediately and pulled the bassist's body closer to his own. In turn Murdoc pulled 2D even closer, intensifying the kiss while letting his hands wander across the singer's body.

Inside the blue haired mans mind all thoughts were tangled, pulling tighter and tighter, creating knots. This was all he wanted and everything he dreaded at once. It felt wrong. Not even 24 hours ago 2D had been in a long term relationship. He was nauseous and scared but excited and happy at the same time. Instinctively he wanted to flee, but there was something about Murdoc that stopped him. Murdoc seemed to have his own gravity field pulling him closer and closer.

Consumed by his thoughts 2D had stopped responding. He didn't realize until Murdoc spoke:

"We don't have to do this"

2D suddenly felt desperate. The truth was that he did want it to happen, he just wasn't sure he was ready yet.

"I'll stop you if you go too far" 2D almost whispered.

Not wasting any time Murdoc kissed him again. 2D let his fingernails dig into Murdoc's back as the bassist's hand traced his spine. Murdoc's knee was placed between the singer's thighs; forcing them to stay slightly apart. Slowly Murdoc's lips left 2D's and instead his tongue made its way down the singer's neck. He slid his hand down the singer's pants and playfully bit down on his collarbone. 2D did nothing to stop him.

With a swift movement Murdoc pulled down the singers pants enough to expose his penis. It was semi-hard. The bassist didn't seem to think twice of it and grabbed it, caressing it gently. 2D felt like he was dreaming, like his body and mind were in different realities. The fact that he couldn't see anything for the darkness didn't help. He snapped out of it when he realized how heavy he was breathing. Something that Murdoc also had noticed. The bassist's tongue wandered further down to the singer's nipple. 2D bit his lip and ran his fingers through Murdoc's hair. As Murdoc's gentle caress turned into actually jerking him off 2D started to feel like he had made a mistake. He was not ready for this.

2D kept on waiting for the pleasure to take over his body and mind, but it didn't seem like it was going to happen. He started to feel really bothered by the situation but didn't know what to do. It actually surprised him that Murdoc didn't stop even though he must have noticed the lack of moans from the singer. The thought that Murdoc might not care crossed his mind and he felt a tug in his heart. As Murdoc's tongue slid back into 2D's mouth the singer felt nothing but shame and disgust. In all honesty 2D just wanted to push the bassist away. Both his body and mind went numb as he responded to the kiss without any noticeable hesitation. Before blacking out completely he could only feel regret.

"Hey face-ache"

2D suddenly came back to reality. Not sure how much time had passed since his mind drifted.

"…what?" 2D tried to keep his voice steady.

"You are the most boring fuck"

His heart sank to the bottom of his chest. This was not what he wanted. 2D bit his lip as he wondered if he had fucked up his only chance with Murdoc. Maybe things would have turned out differently if he'd had a month or so to recover from his breakup. 2D could have enjoyed the experience, performed better in bed and maybe just maybe they could have ended up in a relationship. There was no telling what this would lead to, perhaps awkward practice sessions.

As he didn't respond the bassist let out a deep sigh and turned his back to the singer.

"Goodnight" Murdoc's voice was slightly irritable.

For a minute or two 2D didn't move. He couldn't believe what just happened. The only thing that assured him he hadn't dreamt it all was the fact that his pants were still pulled down. He was sad and relieved; sad because he'd disappointed Murdoc, relieved because it was over. A quick glance towards the alarm clock told him that only 15 minutes had passed. The singer pulled up his pants and sat up in the bed. Without being able to see in the darkness he managed to locate his phone. Then he got out of the bed and left the room, using the light from the screen to see where he was putting his feet. He made his way to the front door where he stopped for a second to put on his jacket.

Cold wind and falling snow met him as he stepped outside. There were holes in his shoes and soon his toes were soaked. He looked up into the dark, cloudy sky but had to look away because of the snowflakes falling into his eyes. Leaning his back towards the outside wall he reached into his pocket and took out his painkillers. He didn't know any other way to handle it all. This was not how things were supposed to be. In order to remain calm he downed 4 pills in one go. Painkillers were his escape from the world and it had been years ago since he had been taking them together with water.

"Fuck" he breathed.

While putting the remaining pills back into his pocket he took out a packet of cigarettes. There was no way the pills would be enough. Resting the cigarette between his teeth he lit up his lighter and stared at the flame for a moment. The cold wind blew it out and he had to relight it. This time he lit up his cigarette and inhaled deeply. Smoke filled his lungs and he could feel his stress levels receding. As he exhaled he could taste the smoke on his tongue. That was more like it. A few drags and he'd be able to go back inside and fall asleep on the sofa. This was a different reality; a reality where no one else existed and nothing bad had happened.