Chapter 22

Questions

Harry didn't have an easy time keeping his mind on his lessons after his conversation with Pansy and Tonks. His thoughts were revolving not only around Ginny and his children now – he couldn't help thinking about Pansy and Snape too. His mind kept darting from question to question, never remaining long enough on one of them to reach any clarity on it.

How was he going to explain to John and Lily that he had lied to them? Would they ever understand the reasoning behind his decisions? Would Lily be as upset with him as her brother had been last night?

Had he been right to tell Ginny that they had better never meet again? Weren't there still things that they needed to discuss? Maybe it would have been better to bury everything in the past, to pretend that he had never found out that she was alive, never found out that she was married to someone else ... The thoughts kept rushing through his head uncontrollably; there were so many unanswerable questions. And what had Tonks been talking about when she asked him if Ginny had told him 'anything special'?

Even Pansy was on his mind constantly, although he did his best to avoid thinking of her. What was going on with her, though? Why did she keep coming back to the same subject – Snape – over and over again? Perhaps it was merely because Harry showed such an interest in it ... but then, there might be more to it. Did she know something that Harry and Tonks didn't? Had she ... could she have been right when she said that the reason Snape had gone to Azkaban without a trial was that there wasn't enough evidence to find him guilty?

Halfway through his last lesson for the day Harry was so tired of his thoughts going round in circles that he decided to dismiss the students early and take some action. At least two of the main things that were bothering him he could do something about – he could talk to his children and he could talk to Pansy. Ginny was another matter; he had no intention of going back on his decision not to meet her without giving it very careful thought first.

Harry went back to his quarters and found that Lily had come home from Hogsmeade early. She was sitting at the kitchen table, doing her homework.

'Do you need help?' Harry asked her.

'No thanks,' she said cheerfully. 'I'm writing an essay. You know, I'm really good at writing, although it's rather different using parchment and quill …'

Harry smiled at her, wondering, briefly, if she missed her computer and all those other Muggle facilities. 'I know. What's the essay about?'

'Well, Mrs Macmillan told Susie she had to write an essay about a famous person from the Muggle World, and I'm supposed to write about a famous magical person. So I'm writing about Harry Potter.'

Harry swallowed. It almost seemed as though this were a sign. 'That's interesting, Lily.'

'Yes,' Lily said, looking rather excited. 'I interviewed Mrs Macmillan about him. You see, she and Mr Macmillan were in the same year as Harry Potter when they were at Hogwarts. Although they were in Hufflepuff and he was in Gryffindor. But he had this Defence Against the Dark Arts-association called the DA, where he taught them lots of cool and useful things. I think it's going to be a great essay. Much better than Susie's – she's writing about Charles Dickens, and she didn't have anyone to interview but me.'

Harry swallowed again. This was it – he definitely had to tell Lily the truth now. But he didn't want to do it without John there. He didn't think he'd have the strength to explain the whole thing twice today.

'Lily, could you please wait here for ten minutes? I'm going to get John; I have to tell you something very important.'

Lily gave him a rather curious look. 'All right.'

Harry hurried out of the room. He was going to get John right now. He didn't care that he was going to have to pull him out of class; he had to talk to his children immediately. Besides, John's last lesson for the day was Potions, and Harry very much doubted that he would be disappointed to miss that.

Harry felt ill at ease as he made his way down to the Dungeons. He had not been here since his last Potions lesson with Snape, all those years ago. As he approached the familiar door to the Potions classroom, it suddenly opened and Pansy emerged, ushering John, Ron and Lily in front of her. All three children were bleeding profusely from their noses. Harry stared at them.

'Oh! Henry –' Pansy said, looking distressed.

'Pansy … what's going on?'

'Er …' Pansy tried to flash him her usual coy smile, but failed miserably. 'Slight mishap with a potion, that's all. Just on our way to the Hospital Wing.'

Harry peered closely at John's face. He was holding a blood-stained handkerchief to his nose and refused to meet his father's eyes.

'Why don't you let me take them?' Harry said, turning to Pansy again.

'Oh, would you, Henry? Thank you, that would be excellent. I'll just get back to my class then.' Pansy turned back to the door.

'Just a minute, Pansy,' said Harry, who had just had an idea. 'I'd very much like to discuss some of the things you said earlier. You know, in the staff room. Could I see you this evening?'

Pansy looked flustered. 'Well … er … this evening actually isn't very good, you know, because I've been called away unexpectedly on urgent business.'

'Really?' said Harry. 'Was that what your letter was about?'

Pansy looked even more flustered. 'Yes … but it won't take long, I'll be back by tomorrow morning. We could talk then. In fact, I'd very much like to talk to you tomorrow, Henry.'

'All right,' said Harry, slightly mystified by Pansy's behaviour. 'I'll see you tomorrow, then. Now we'd better hurry to the Hospital Wing before these three bleed to death.' He gave Pansy a cheerful smile and walked off with John, Ron and Lizzie.

As soon as he heard the door to the Potions classroom closing behind Pansy, Harry stopped and looked at the children. They all looked up at him with resentful faces, seemingly appalled that he would stand and have a calm conversation with another teacher while they were in dire need of medical attention.

'What are we waiting for?' Lizzie said testily.

'Personally, I'm waiting for the three of you to eat the other halves of your Nosebleed Nougats,' Harry said calmly.

John, Ron and Lizzie stared at him, their mouths wide open.

'Go on, then,' Harry prompted them.

Lizzie hurriedly took out three pieces of nougat from her pocket and gave one each to the boys. When they had swallowed them, and the bleeding had stopped, they all looked up at Harry again.

'How did you know that?' Lizzie asked. 'Dad and Uncle Fred always make sure that no Hogwarts teachers ever find out about the contents of the … er …'

'Skiving Snackboxes?' Harry suggested helpfully.

Lizzie gasped. 'How did you know that?' she repeated. 'Not even Professor Tonks knows about stuff like that, and she's real good friends with Dad and Uncle Fred. They were in the Order together and everything!'

'Well, Professor Tonks is a few years older than I am,' Harry said with an amused smile. 'I'm sure that if you asked Professor Lovegood, she would also be quite familiar with Fainting Fancies, Puking Pastilles and similar products. They're classics – they were around back in our day too, when your father and your uncle were just starting their business.'

Lizzie and Ron were staring at Harry in awe, but John had a sullen expression on his face, which reminded Harry of why he had come down here in the first place.

'Listen,' he said, 'to be quite honest I don't blame you for wanting to skive off Potions. So just for once, I am going to pretend that I've never heard of Nosebleed Nougats, and that your noses just stopped bleeding of their own accord. Now, Lizzie and Ron, please go straight to Gryffindor Tower and clean your faces. John, I have something important I want to discuss with you, so please come with me.' He put his hand on John's shoulder and steered him towards the stairs. To Harry's relief, John made no objections.

When they came back to the Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher's quarters Lily was still sitting at the table, doing her homework. She looked curiously at her father and brother.

'So, what did you want to talk to us about, Dad?' she said, apparently deciding to disregard John's bloody face for the moment. Perhaps she, too, was familiar with Nosebleed Nougats.

John sat down next to his sister without bothering to wash his face first, and gave Harry a resentful glare. Harry took a deep breath and decided to get straight to the point.

'Fifteen years ago, when I left the Magical World, I had every intention of returning again soon. I simply wanted to be alone for a while, to live as a normal Muggle, without anyone knowing who I was. So I took certain measures to make sure that no one from the Magical World would find me. I changed my appearance, for instance … and my name.'

'You changed your name?' Lily said slowly.

'Yes. After a few years I met your mother and we got married. The two of you were born and I … well, as things turned out, I simply remained in the Muggle World. It was so much easier that way. I should have told you, as soon as John received his Hogwarts letter, what my real name is. But I didn't, and for that I am truly sorry.'

There was a pause. John looked down at the table, and Lily looked at her father with a slight frown.

'So, what is your real name?' she said after a while.

'Harry Potter.'

Neither John nor Lily said anything. John still looked down at the table, and Lily looked at Harry, seeming interested rather than surprised or angry.

Harry went on. 'You have every right to be angry with me for not telling you about this earlier. Every right. 'As I said, I'm sorry I didn't tell you as soon as John got his letter, but I–'

'You should have told us earlier than that!' John interrupted him, his voice filled with resentment. 'You should have told us … well, as soon as we were old enough to understand. I think Lily and I have been pretty good about this so far: we find out, completely out of the blue, that we're all wizards, and that we've just been living a fake muggle existence our whole lives. And what do we do? Do we say one single word about the fact that you've kept something that important from us? No, we simply accept it and go on with our lives, no questions asked. Then you turn out to be some sort of Defence Against the Dark Arts-genius and come here to Hogwarts to teach; and again, we accept it without a word, even though our whole lives have been turned upside down once more. And now we find out about this – who knows what else you haven't told us! You say you're sorry, but I don't think you're sorry at all! I tried to talk to you last night – you had your chance to tell me then, but you didn't. You just kept making flimsy excuses. And,' John added, as though this were the final straw, 'you'd been drinking!'

Harry let John talk until he had said all that he wanted to say, and sat back, glaring at his father. Harry sighed heavily. 'You're right, John – my behaviour last night was very stupid. Inexcusable, really. You and Lily have been very good about all the changes that are happening in our lives right now; I know it can't have been easy for you to deal with all this, on top of the circumstances concerning your mother. And I know just how you feel, having all this new information sprung on you all of a sudden–'

John interrupted him again. 'You have no bloody idea how we feel,' he muttered angrily.

'Yes, I do, John,' Harry said calmly. 'You read my biography, didn't you? I was raised in the muggle world, just like you. I had no idea that there was such a thing as magic, and I had no idea that there was anything special about being Harry Potter. All that was sprung on me when I first came to Hogwarts. And there were so many other things that I didn't find out about until much later – the Order of the Phoenix, the Prophecy …Yes – believe me, I know what it's like to be kept in the dark. Remembering what that felt like, perhaps you're right, John … perhaps I should have told you as soon as you were old enough to understand. But I had my reasons for not doing so.'

'Reasons?' John snapped. 'They'd better be good.' He was looking at his father with narrowed eyes, his face still stained with blood. Lily was looking at Harry with an expression that was hard to read, her green eyes darting back to John every now and then.

Harry smiled, almost sardonically. These were his children, and they meant everything to him. But how could he ever explain to them – to anyone – what it was like to be in his shoes? No one, not even those who had been around back then, before Voldemort's fall, could ever understand …

He took a deep breath and leaned forward. His hands shook slightly as he began to speak, but his voice was steady and calm. 'You are both intelligent, and you have been through a lot – your mother leaving us, her subsequent death, and suddenly finding out about the Magical World and coming here. But, intelligent as you both are, you can't possibly grasp what I went through when I was at Hogwarts, and what motivated me to act as I did. When I left the Magical World I had lost every single person who was dear to me in the battle against Voldemort. I lost my parents before I was old enough to remember them. I lost my godfather when I was fifteen years old – he died right in front of my eyes. And during the war, I lost so many others: Remus Lupin, who was my parents' best friend; my own best friends, Ron and Hermione; my mentor, Albus Dumbledore; and … my girlfriend – the love of my life. I had faced Lord Voldemort again and again. I saw him return to his body in front of my very eyes – he used my blood to do it. I saw him kill innocent people in cold blood, knowing that I was the only one who could stop him … the one who had to kill him. And I did. I killed him. After all that I did not want to be Harry Potter anymore. Harry Potter was as dead to me as he was to the Magical World. And I didn't want to revisit the pain of all those losses by speaking about it. That is why I couldn't tell you.'

Harry paused and looked at his children again. They were both staring at him now. His speech had obviously had some sort of impact on them, but just what it was, Harry could not guess. John still looked somewhat evasive, but no longer as resentful as he had before. Lily looked pensive. Neither of them spoke for a long while, and Harry left them to their own thoughts, simply sitting with them at the table, ready to answer the many questions that they undoubtedly had.

'Does anyone else know that you're Harry Potter?' Lily finally said.

'Only Professor Hagrid, Professor Tonks and Professor Lovegood. And I would be very grateful if you didn't tell anyone else about it for now.'

'Can I go and see Professor Lovegood now?' Lily asked.

'Yes … of course,' Harry said, slightly taken aback. 'But don't you want to talk more about this first?'

Lily shrugged. 'No. I have to think it over first.' She got up to leave, and John followed her.

'Yeah. I'm going to think it over too,' he said calmly. They both left the room, leaving their father alone at the table.

Well, that had gone much better than he had expected, Harry thought in surprise. He had anticipated endless questions, more accusations from John, perhaps even tears from Lily. Perhaps that was yet to come, but he doubted it. Once John had calmed down, he usually didn't fire up again that easily, and if there were no tears from Lily now, there wouldn't be any at all. As for the questions, he would probably get a few over the course of the next months, but it seemed like Lily had preferred to go to another source for her answers at present, and perhaps she would share them with her brother too. While this was in no way over, Harry hoped that perhaps they were at least past the worst of it.

Harry sighed with relief. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders. His thoughts were no longer spinning around madly in his head. All the questions about Snape and Pansy would simply have to wait until tomorrow, when he intended to have a long and thourough discussion with the latter. As for the questions about Ginny … Harry doubted very much that they would ever be answered. Perhaps it would be just as well to push them to the back of his mind and try not to think about them – if that could at all be done.

Harry went over to an armchair in front of the fire, which was sparkling merrily. He sat down, unable to do anything but stare into the fire, soon becoming completely absorbed by the dance of the flickering flames. Slowly he leaned back, still looking at the hypnotising orange and yellow, and finally relaxed. If only he could sleep ... But he mustn't, not yet; he hadn't even had dinner and still needed to plan tomorrow's classes. His thoughts were drifting, his attention elsewhere, when the fire suddenly changed colour and texture – there was a face in it. Harry blinked confusedly. There had been a flash of dark eyes and longish hair, but – who was it?

He got up, quickly, poking around among the burning coals with the fire-tongs – but there was nothing there, the flames licking the walls of the fire-place innocently.

Author's Note: Thanks to all those who have reviewed, and I hope you all found this chapter enjoyable too. Please share your thoughts about it with me and the other readers:)