Chapter 5…
How a month and three weeks had passed since Mrs. Shield's death was hard for me to wonder. It still didn't seem real to me. And as for Darien… he stayed in his room for all this time missing school. He locked his door when he knew that one of us came to talk to him. He refused to talk to any of us but I wouldn't have it. If he would be stubborn about it than so would I. Everyday after school I came to visit him and he knowing this; kept his door locked. But I would sit outside everyday and talk to him, telling him about everything that happened at school hoping that he would talk to me.
All I found was his silence and I missed him more than anything. Christmas was hard this year… so cold and lonely. I was sad that for the rest of Darien's life this time would be regretful. Every year Mrs. Shield had something new planned for the two of us. And her gifts were very special. We both cherished her so much that we never thought that one day she would leave us. Darien's silence was too hard to bear. I had to bring him back somehow or another.
I sat leaning on his door again and sighed wondering how long this would go on. "Darien… everyone misses you a lot. How long can you stay in there?" I asked knowing that he was listening. "We all want to be there for you and no matter how much you try to shut me out I won't leave you here all alone."
"Go away Serena!" came a voice that spoke after so long. Yet this voice didn't seem as familiar anymore.
"Darien!" I said in a low voice "You don't mean that, I know you don't mean that!"
I heard him sigh "I do mean it! Serena, I don't want to talk. I only want to be left alone and you're not helping that. Please go away!"
His words hurt a lot. He didn't feel like my Darien anymore and I wanted my best friend back. "I'll go!" I said giving in. "But if you ever happen to stumble upon my best friend please tell him that I miss him dearly. Please tell him that I still need him and that I don't want to lose him." I couldn't stop myself from crying. Getting a hold of my self I took out what I wanted to give him. "I'm leaving something for him near the door; please make sure that he gets it." I said as I left him knowing that the chances of him opening the door now were slim.
Serena's words had struck him hard. But he didn't mean to hurt her. It was hard to face her because he feared that she would think that he had held a part in his mother's death. He had left home for two days… he left her when she probably needed him most. He didn't stop her from drinking and because of his anger and ego she was forever gone. How would he face Serena when she was the one that persuaded him to help his mother and he hadn't even thought of it.
He opened the door when he was sure that she was gone. There on the floor was something that was wrapped in blue wrapping paper. He picked it up and then closed the door once again. He sat down on his bed and looked at the gift that she had left. He tore off the card that was taped to it.
Darien,
I'm sorry that it was late. I wish that she could have received this in another way and that you could've finished it. I know how much you wanted to do this for her, please forgive me if I have wronged you in finishing it.
Serena.
He was now curious as to what it was that she had left for him. He desperately tore off the wrapping and gasped as he saw the notebook that he was planning for his mother. But it was forgotten when he had left it over at Serena's house. The cover was painted with a gold paint that he recognized as Serena's beautiful handwriting. "In loving memory of Rosemarie Shield."
His fingers trembled as he opened it to the first page. It started off with a black and white picture of his mother. 'How did she get this picture?' he thought to himself. Then he remembered 'She must have asked Nancy for them or taken it herself. That thief!' he said suddenly feeling a bit of humor. There were many pictures of his mother. He noticed that she smiled in all of them. He didn't think that it was ever possible for his mom to be serious in front of a camera. He looked at all the pages and saw that she had included all the work that he had done himself. Then he stopped on a page that held a poem that he knew was written by Serena.
Your eyes…
Hope sparkles in your eyes
Like soft colors shimmering
Brighter than any star in skies.
Always reassuring,
Always haunting,
And securing, me from the taunting,
Of my own self.
I feel lost without you
Walking empty roads
And trying to find my way through
To what is true.
Memories are far but near
As pieces of dreams are
Now becoming so clear.
The wounds are so deep
But the pain no longer severe.
As days go by and
Thoughts of you reappear.
But you live within my heart
So close, so raw and so alive,
As the one I've set apart.
Always as serenity,
Always an entity,
And my amenity from the insanity
Of this world I'm living in.
Susanne rushed into my room early in the morning and gave me a hug. "Happy Birthday!" She said in a singsong voice.
"You always seem to remember." I said not sounding surprised.
"Of course I remembered!" She said cheerfully then brought her hand forward to show me a present. I gave her a half hearted smile and took it from her. "You're not going to open it?" She asked.
"I'll open it later." I said and placed it on top of my desk. Susanne looked hurt and yet at the same time concerned.
"What's wrong Miss Serena?" She asked sitting next to me and put a hand on my shoulder. "It's your birthday, you should be happy!"
"Well, I wish it wasn't" I said Jerking away from her hold. "Just like I wished that it wasn't Christmas when Darien's mom died."
Susanne lifted my chin to make me look at her and I saw her soften when she noticed my eyes were watery. "Why so?"
"Susanne…" I said trying to hold back the tears. "…other than you there is no one to wish me a happy birthday… no one to be there with me. Mrs. Shield definitely won't be, not Darien, and of course not my parents!"
"Oh… Miss Serena!" She said as she took me into a comforting hug.
"Everything is wrong… all of it! How can I be happy?" I asked in her embrace
Susanne pulled away and wiped my tears. "I know you really miss Mrs. Shield and Darien hasn't been himself, but you'll see that he'll overcome this. Time will heal his wound. And as for your parents, they have been home for the past few days. You know how busy they are but if you ask, I'm sure they'll spend your birthday with you." She looked hopeful.
"No Susanne…" I shook my head
"Miss Serena…" She looked at me questioningly "How long are you going to keep this distance between you and your parents?" I tried to look away from her. "If you talk to them and ask them for your needs, do you really think that they'll put you aside?"
"But Susanne…" I protested
"No buts!" She stopped me from saying anything further. "Just try! There is no harm in trying, right?"
I sighed in defeat "I guess so!"
Susanne looked more than triumphant. "Listen… I heard them talking about leaving this afternoon so if you want to catch them… now is your chance!" She said shoving me to the door. I tried to give a smile of enthusiasm then headed to my parents' bedroom.
Before I could even step into the room a wave of apprehension surrounded me. Mother was talking in the phone while I heard the water running in the bathroom to where father must have been. Just as I got closer I heard mother's conversation on her phone.
"What do you mean the witness claims that he was mistaken?" My mother yelled into the phone. "His testimony was the only chance we had at this case! Okay! Okay! I'll meet with you and try to sort this thing out." She put the phone down and started sorting out the papers near her.
"Umm… Mother?" I asked nervously while fidgeting with my fingers and shifting my weight.
"Well, look who decided to say hello at the last moment!" She said not even turning to look at me. Her statement had made me more nervous. It was true that I never talked around them but it made her seem more like a stranger to me. At the present moment I didn't think I would have been able to have even asked for what Susanne advised me. "Susanne put you up to this didn't she?" She asked almost like she was reading my mind.
"I… uh" I tried to find something to say and came up with nothing.
She now scrimmaged through her things looking for something in particular. "I wish she would be more attentive like that to your priorities! Why didn't you participate in that program at the country club like I told you to?"
It was funny how she only remembered things that had no value to me but could not even remember to say happy birthday. I rubbed the back of my neck "Uh… I guess I just became real busy with school and what not."
"Always an excuse for everything, huh?" She asked as if glaring at me and yet busy in her work. "…if I could only find that damned paper!"
Father steps out of the bathroom with a bathrobe and without acknowledging me heads to the walk in closet to dress. Just standing in the room for five minuets and I already feel as if I don't exist.
"…Are you going out?" I get out trying to get to the point so that I would be able to leave this awkwardness.
"Yeah, I had some problems with a case I'm handling right now!" She said as she turned for the first time and walked past me to grab something from the lamp table. Then stopped as she noticed me. After studying me for a moment I noticed the disgust in her face. "Ugh! What is it with you always dressing like an old lady?"
I bit my lip at her insult and took a deep breath at everything else that would soon come in after. "You wear glasses as if they hadn't even invented contacts yet. And what are these clothes your wear? Do we not have enough money for you to wear nice clothing?"
'Shit, she must be in a bad mood! Nice going Susanne! This is the last time I'll ever listen to you!' the thoughts passed me as I watched my mother head over to her briefcase and put the last bit of documents away. She slowly turned now directing her attention towards me. 'I'm really going to get it bad now!' I grimaced inside.
"Serena!" She sighed "Why can't you be like all the other girls? Would it kill you to look beautiful for a change instead of being an embarrassment to me?" the disappointment in her eyes made me suddenly wish I could disappear.
"Do you really want me to send you away to some school to make a lady out of you?" She threatened.
"Irene!" My father called out while he stepped out in a business suit. I guessed that he also had some thing to attend to. I suddenly was glad that in a bit they would be gone. "I don't understand why you use that as a threat but never go about it!" He said as he stood next to her. With the two of them against me I felt myself shrinking into the size of an ant with no dignity.
"If you really had sent her away to one, do you think you would have to deal with this problem right now?" he asked giving me a cold glare.
His words hurt… so I was a problem that needed to be adjusted? They wanted to send me away so I could come out as the perfect daughter that they had dreamed of? Send me away from my friends that I love so dearly?
"No!" I suddenly heard a voice saying. I wonder where it came from.
"What?" My father turned to me questioningly
"No!" I heard myself repeat. So the voice had been mines? I suddenly felt anger rush out of me. "I'm not going to some school so that I could be the perfect daughter in front of you!"
"Serena!" My mother warned
But her look didn't have its hold on me because I was determined to get the words out. "I like the person that I show myself as and I really don't care what you think. Hell! I don't even know why came here to ask if you could only spend my birthday with me. Thanks though for ruining this day for me!" I suddenly was loosing my strength as I felt the tears fall on my face.
"And another thing… if you think that I'll do everything the way you want it to be then your wrong. Because I never want to be like you! I hate you!" the words that were directed at my mother came out of my mouth and I felt ashamed right away as I noticed the hurt that was visible in her eyes. I ran out of the room before anything else was said or done. But I suddenly had this fear that my sudden outburst would probably get me sent away. So I leaned my back on the wall outside of their room and waited to hear what punishment that they would have for me. The first voice that I heard was that of my father's.
"Kids these days have absolutely no respect for their elders. If I ever talked to my mother that way I don't know what she would have done!" His voice seemed annoyed but my mother had cut him off from saying anymore.
"But I'm not your mother, Ken! And I don't know how she raised you but that is not how I want to raise my children." I sensed the hurt in her voice and felt ashamed of what I had said to her. I didn't want to be the reason that they would fight. "It was really my fault! I shouldn't have said all those things to her; I just was in a bad mood because of my work."
"You have no reason to feel guilty!" Father sounded like he was comforting her and I was relieved that they weren't fighting because of me.
"It was her birthday too!" Mother's voice was distant.
"Honey! You shouldn't let things like this get to you. True, that you probably should have been sensitive towards her but with the way she talked to you?" Father always knew how to make himself sound right. "If it's her birthday then I'm sure she only came in to ask for some thing. Just have you're secretary purchase a gift and send it in. Calm down, all you really need to worry about is this case right now!"
"You're right!" was the last thing that I heard mother say before I ran upstairs to my room past Susanne who had been expecting to hear something good.
I made sure to lock the door before I let myself collapse on my bed. If anything I felt ashamed that I let myself look like a fool in front of them. I had promised myself that I wouldn't let anything they say get to me. That it would only be a matter of time that I graduate from high school and move out. Regularly I wouldn't have said anything but just stood there and tolerated it. But the thought of them sending me away to some school where I would be so far away from Darien and my friends had alarmed me.
Or maybe it was just that they wanted me to change so badly into what they want to see in me that probably pushed the button. Whatever it was, I was ashamed to have ruined my mother's day and Susanne's plans. My thoughts were all interrupted by the soft knocking on my door. "Go away Susanne!" I said the first thing that came to mind.
"Serena, it's me!" Said a whole different voice that I had missed. 'Darien!' I wiped away my tears and quickly went to the door. I opened it slowly to make sure that my imagination wasn't playing games with me. There stood Darien Shields in front of me for the first time with out his cheerfulness that almost never seemed to go away. I hugged him and suddenly let myself cry on his shoulder. He closed the door behind him while I took hold of myself.
"What's wrong?" Darien asked
I wiped the last bit of my tears. "I guess it was because of seeing you after so long. I really missed you!"
"You can't hide anything from me and you know it too!" he said not convinced "It's about your parents isn't it?"
Was he able to read to my mind? I slowly sat down. "How did you know?"
"I heard everything that was said." He took a seat next to me on the floor.
I looked down trying to avoid his eyes. "You must really think of me as a fool!"
Darien sighed "Yes, you really are a fool!" He agreed and it hurt that he thought so too. "Foolish to think that you're wrong about standing up for your self for the first time."
"But Darien… they are my parents!" I still felt the guilt
"Yeah, they're your parents. And they are supposed to encourage you, not try to change what they don't like about you." He couldn't see it any other way. "I mean, my mom would never say those things about me even if I was the most hideous person in the world."
I grew silent as he mentioned his mom and he noticed that he had too. "I just miss her and wish that I hadn't been so stupid. I wasn't there for her when she needed me."
"Don't tell me that you actually feel guilty about her death!" I said surprised that he would think of it that way.
"How can I not, when it is my fault?" He said as if making a confession. I was puzzled to hear that he blamed himself. His voice dropped to a whisper. "You don't know Serena! What she must felt when her husband was cheating on her? Or when her son couldn't understand her misery and instead left her alone too! And you don't know how right you were to say that she must've been so lonely to turn to alcohol."
"What? You must be wrong! There had to have been some sort of a misunderstanding!" I tried to assure him but it felt as if I was trying to convince myself.
"There was no misunderstanding!" He confirmed me with his eyes. "I heard Aunt Lily accuse my father about it. And Mom never hid anything from her."
I truly had no words for him since I myself was shocked. We sat silently for the next few moments. "Why, Serena?" he asked shattering the silence "Why is it that we never understand the ones that love us the most? And once they are gone, why do we then realize how much they really meant to us?"
"Because, Darien, its fate that brings us together and separates us all the same. But not even fate can ever change the moments that you have spent together, nor can it change how much you really mean to each other!" I said as he met his eyes with mine.
Darien was silent again and I wanted to find a way to take away his pain. "I wish that she would still be beside me and that she hadn't left the way she did." He said his voice cracking. I took him into a hug.
"She hasn't gone anywhere!" I told him and he looked up at me. "As long as the memories of her reside in your heart she hasn't gone anywhere! And you know very well that it hurt her to see you so miserable."
He wiped his tears and gave me a small smile. "I just remembered your poem… it was very beautiful! Thank you for finishing that notebook."
"I didn't think you'd like that I finished your surprise for her." I admitted.
"Are you kidding?" He said seriously "I couldn't do half of the work you did! And I'm glad you finished it… it reminded me of things that are important. And speaking of surprises… I have to give your surprise present!" He said as he pulled me up with him. For that moment he forgot about his sorrow as he led me out of the room. And I was relieved to see that my best friend was back.
