Juno Magic: Skywise comes from the comic series Elfquest. You'll find pics of the series and a storyline at It's great artwork! About Carrie Bradshaw, we've never seen it. Sorry. Glad you enjoyed so much.
Hehe: In which Pratchett novels did the elves appear? I've read some, but I can't recall any elves, no matter how hard I tried. Thanks for the review!
Jade: Sorry for the delay. The next chapter should be up soon.
Guan: Glad you enjoyed. Hopefully you'll find this chapter as enjoyable.
Lazy.Kender19: I don't lie. And I bet you can even guess who the shadowy figure is at the end of this chapter! Thanks for putting us on your page. As to further updates: we're hoping for two more chapters by the end of the year, and at least one by February. BTW, from Dalamar: sorry I haven't reviewed in a while, fanfictions been mean about reviews lately.
Sorcerous One: No need to get sarcastic! Well, Dobby wasn't technically invited, he just kind of showed up. And (as far as we know) there hasn't been any Dobby slash. Hope that makes you feel better. Partial explanation to your question coming in Chapter 4.
Long Life, Prosperity, and Wine
It was another weekend at the Copper Kettle. Business was good tonight, since the dark elf and his strange gang had again booked a back room in the tavern and ordered a round of wine. They didn't seem to be party people, all were very reserved and the bartender couldn't hear laughter or singing from their room as you might have guessed when a group of friends met to have wine in a tavern. If anything, he could've sworn he heard sobbing on occasion. He shrugged. Maybe that was due to the fact that they were a self-help-group. Whatever that meant, it sounded serious. And elves usually were said to be very serious people. The bartender shrugged and went back to washing glasses and cleaning the bar.
In the back room, the elves had just sat down and made themselves comfortable when Dalamar welcomed everybody and announced some recent changes. "First of all, I have to inform you that Skywise and I agreed that the aim of our group doesn't fit him too well. We decided that he will not attend on a regular basis anymore."
At this statement, the elves from Middle Earth looked relived. The Lord of Rivendell let out an especially relieved breath. "It was about time." he muttered. "However," Dalamar went on. "Skywise still wants to support our goal and therefore, he offered to work as an external agent, so to speak. You see, my work as Raistlin's apprentice takes most of my time and it is not easy for me to organize everything for this group. Skywise volunteered to help in finding new guests speakers and promised to look out for Elves in need, who probably approve more of our project then he did." Dalamar cast a glance in Elrond's direction.
"So we will probably have to deal with his presence from time to time." Nobody commented on this; the only signs of the other Elves' displeasure were rolled eyes and pouting lips.
Dalamar went on to the next point. He unfurleda scroll. "Secondly, I recently received an application from an elf named 'Timberdell', who claimed to suffer from Slash abuse. I'm not quite sure whether the name is correct, apparently the elf usually doesn't write the letter was not easy to read. He likely comes from a universe were writing is not regarded a valuable skill. However, he or she informed me of his plan to attend this meeting, so we will see for ourselves what kind of elf he is." The other elves nodded in approval. Another poor victim of careless fanfiction writers would be welcomed warmly.
"Thirdly," Dalamar concluded. "I'm glad to tell you that Skywise and I invited a new guest speaker. No, Elrond, he is not from the world of the Two Moons, I don't expect the same... surprises... as last time. I established contact with our guest speaker for a while and he seems to be a thoughtful and deliberate character. Though he asserts that he is not an elf, I have to say that he definitely looks like one of us. His manners are exquisite, and besides, he told me he has a long experience with Slash abuse. He comes from a Universe in the far future, so please do not take offence by his appearance or some terms he might use. This man calls himself a Vulcan and is named Mr. Spock. I hope he will be here soon."
As soon as Dalamar had ended, the door opened with Skywise head popping out of the slit. "Ayoaahh Dalamar!" the little wolfrider cheered and waved his hand. "I brought him! I did!" Skywise and his silver wolf entered, followed by a slender elf with black, short-cropped hair and a serious face. He wore a blue shirt and black trousers. As Dalamar had said, he appeared futuristic. The stranger looked at the astonished elfgroup with polite casualness and raised his left hand. His fingers made a gap between middle and ring finger. "Live long and prosper." he said.
"May the blessing of the Valar be with you, Mr. Spock." Galadriel greeted him in representation of all Middle earth elves.
"Welcome Mr. Spock, from the land of Vulcan." Dalamar added.
"Pardon," the stranger said irritably. "The term 'land' seems improper. Inthat context, "planet" is the adequate description."
"What's a planet?" asked Zelgadis, the Chimera interested, "Is that the name of your dimension?"
Spock shook his head. "No, a planet in general is a huge cluster of material, more massive than an asteroid, but less massive than a star. It shines with reflected light, and is usually composed mainly of rock or of dense gases. To paraphrase it: A planet is a celestial body of the solar system, revolving around the sun in an elliptical orbit. For the purposes of popular astronomy of the earth, the planets are considered to be Mercury, Venus, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, and Pluto. Some astronomers also include the small planetoid Chiron which orbits between Saturn and Uranus. Some even include mythical planets such as Lilith, the dark moon."
Dalamar raised an eyebrow. "Dark moon, you say? How interesting. Maybe we should discuss that topic further later on, Lord Spock, however now I must request that you begin with your lecture."
The dark elf had seen the elves' face-vault at Mr. Spock's opaque explanation. Whatever he was talking about, it was better to stay with the original topic of the evening, Slash-abuse.
"Lord is not correct either, since Vulcan society is not organized by the means of primitive hierarchic structures, as the concept of nobility implies. Our culture abandoned these remnants of former cultural stages long ago. 'Mr.' will be sufficient. By the way, have you in this world happened to have developed the technology enabling you to do intergalactic travels?" Spock asked casually.
"We have! We have!" Skywise cried out, bewildering the others. "We have the palace the high ones used to travel through the universe!"
"A starship?"
"Yes, I think you could call it that. We call it the 'Palace of the High Ones', though."
"Did your species already develop warp technology, Skywise?"
"Warp? That sounds somewhat familiar." The little elf saidthinking. "But I dunno where I heard it before. If it is an engine we should ask Two-edge, the troll he invents things all the time."
Spock only arched a delicate eyebrow. "Fascinating." he said. He showed no further emotions at the excited elf's outburst. The others ignored their conversation, only shaking their heads.
"Well, in that case," the Vulcan approached the lower end of the table and sat down. "I have to shorten my lecture considerably, since apart from Skywiseyou are not allowed to receive certain detailed information on space travel, the rules of the Prime Directive forbid it."
Nobody dared to ask the stranger what the Prime Directive was about. They waited for him to begin eagerly, hoping to learn how to avoid being subject to slash. And as long as the Prime Directive was not connected with slash, nobody really cared. Even Elrond looked intrigued by this most unusual of elves.
And then Mr. Spock began to explain... "You Elves probably ask yourself why your leader Dalamar invited me to talk about Slash. Well, my Captain James T. Kirk said it once in blunt, human words: He and myself are the very first and most frequent victims of the slash abuse you elves suffer right now. The so-called Slash-fiction first appeared in the Startrek Universe and some eminent authorities on the topic even claim that Slash-fiction was the very first type of fanfiction created around Star Trek. Thus, it wasprobably the very first fanfiction written at all.
"The main writing trouble began on Earth in the 1970s of the twentieth century, when most of the current Slash-writers were not even born. At that time people discovered that they would enjoy our adventures much more if they wrote their own episodes. Since humans are rather illogical beings, as I never cease to admit, they were very eager to see Captain Kirk and myself united not only in mind but also in body and bed. I think, Dalamar knows what I mean. However, the locical conclusion reveals one of the best kept secrets of the multiplied fandoms: We have to face it though, our very existences as fanfictional characters began with slash. I even dare say, the whole fanfiction sub-culture bases on this generally abided erotic genre."
Hisses and gasps of denial and disgust filled the room at this statement. In their horror, none of the other elves noticed Elladan and Elrohir sneaking behind the tables with glasses of wine in their hands. Spock nodded to the rest of the group in polite paternal sympathy.
"As I said, humans are highly illogical, many of them hate the homosexual non-canon pairings, or whatever their terminology recently calls it, to the utmost extent. Still, many others feel the urgent need to write it all down. It has become this important that even some human ethnographers wrote about us in scientific essays. As a Vulcan I dare say it reconciles me at least to see these fractions of my private life inspiring honest scientific work."
Apparently not everybody in the group felt consolation at Spock's assertion. "Now that we all agree that the human way of life is highly obnoxious and a decline of culture compared to the Golden Age of Elvish domination of Middle Earth, I still don't see how a history lesson on the twentieth century pop-culture of Earth should aid us or help us to cope with the results." Elrond stated.
Mr. Spock leaned back, his hands folded, with only the fingertips touching. "Lord Elrond, the only advice I can give you is that you have to live with it. As long as you don't plan to exterminate the human race, or destroy their communication network, among them known as "The Internet", you will not be able to get rid of abuse."
"Wait…" Dalamar muttered under his breath. "Exterminating the human race? That reminds me of something..." He took out a scroll and a pen and scribbled quickly something on it.
However-" Mr. Spock concluded while Elrond finally banged his forehead on the table in a desperate and very un-Elvish manner, "I came to tell you how my Captain and I learned to cope with it."
As the other Elves were avidly watching both the stoic figure of Spock, and the prone, pitiful one of the Lord of Rivendell, Elladan and Elrohir had finally finished slinking to the other side of the room. The rose behind Spock with the silence only an elf can master. Elrond happened to look up and he saw his children poised over the Vulcan.
"NO!" he yelled, but he was too late. As their father watched, helpless and horrified, the twins simultaneously poured their goblets of wine over the Vulcan's head. They high-fived each other in exaggerated movements, and quickly leapt around Spock to see his reaction.
To their disappointment, it was nothing more than a raised eyebrow. "Crap. I was hoping he'd at least change colors like Adar does." Elladan looked genuinely crestfallen.
Elrohir looked at his twin, a mild expression on his face. "Is doing. As Adar is doing." He corrected. They looked from Elrond, who was indeed rapidly turning purple, to each other again, and started laughing uproariously.
The other Elves seemed just as shocked as Elrond. Dalamar was nearly crying because, yet again, his idea for a speaker was rapidly turning into a disaster. Drizzt looked torn between scolding them and laughing, as Legolas did. Galadriel was turning very white; as the twins aunt, she felt partly responsible for them. The other elves from Middle Earth were also horrified, but not very surprised. Zegaldis, on the other hand, was shocked at the audacity of the youngsters. Skywise was too interested in his own wine to notice.
Dalamar decided to take matters into his own hands before a full-blown war broke out. Pulling out a few flower petals, he quickly chanted a spell that both cleaned and dried the wine from the saturated Spock. "I apologize, wise visitor from Vulcan. Obviously, these two young men are overwrought, and know no other way to vent their frustration. Clearly, they do not have the wonderful control overtheir emotions as youdo, and as mature elves should have developed." At this, Dalamar glared at the boys, daring them to disagree. A couple such glares were also thrown at Skywise.
Spock, however, seemed as un-phased as always. "Apology accepted, Lord Dalamar. I believe there is a quaint human saying that captures this moment; 'boys will be boys.'"
Legolas, having learned diplomacy from his father, decided it was time to support Dalamar. He leaned over, an interested expression on his face. "So, what did you do, wanderer from Vulcan? I mean, about the slash problem"
Spock nodded to the Prince of Mirkwood, impressed by his effort to salvage the situation."Basically, we learned to take it with humor. We had to. To be honest, if it was only theSlash abuse, we may have lived with that, but we also had so many creatures of a certain species on board, which we termed Mary-Sues, that they formed nearly two thirds of our crew. This incident was fortunate in only one single aspect. Since Mary Sues are always very talented creatures who can achieve a maximum of skill with a minimum of educational training, we had a very effective crew.
"Our trouble was only that the Captain and I had an infinite number of dates to attend, romances to live, and in my case, to fall into Pon-Farr, the Vulcan mating instinct, every single day. It was not easy. There were times when I had to participate in at least one Vulcan marriage ceremony each day. I have to admit though, that my Captain had nearly the same trouble, being always away on rescuing missions. Apparently every villain in the Universe tried to hunt down diverse Crewmembers from the Mary-Sue species. The captain and I had to save each of them, of courseas the rules of the Federation don't allow us to let our crew members fall into the hands of our enemies. Compared to that, we thought it much better to be coupled with each other. At least we had time for ourselves, had time for playing chess in the evening and doing our job as Starfleet officers are supposed to do. Compared to the Mary Sue-an invasion, the slash was a relief."
The Elves looked astonished. "I never saw it that way." Legolas pondered with a thoughtful expression. "You may be right. I would rather be with my friends Gimli or Aragorn then some shallow beauty whose name I forget constantly. Maybe you are right, Mr. Spock from Vulcan. There is wisdom in your words. I actually feel better."
The Science Officer of the USS Enterprise was just about to respond when the door opened and a shadowy figure swept in, causing the Middle Earth Elves to jump from their seats and back to the wall in terror...
