Disclaimer: We own nothing. We don't own Agents Miiro or Bridger, and we don't own the PPC. This chapter is being posted without a beta by Ahn-Li, but we did try to contact her.We ownneither the title song,nor the one mentioned later on, though that one was 'improved'upon.No elves were harmed in the making of this chapter.
Runaround Sue
Dalamar looked around at the group of diverse elves, and smiled. This week, nothing was going to go wrong. He had personally laid down foolproof plans, and no one, not the twins, not Skywise, not even a villain from another book could ruin this plan. He had decided that they'd had enough mishaps with slash, so it was time to move on. The door was suddenly thrust open, and Skywise bounded in.
"This was left with the bartender." He held up a large box, addressed to ESGAME. Dalamar took it gingerly, not sure what to expect, especially since it was Skywise who brought it. He set it down, and opened it magically. He hoped that there wasn't anything hostile in it. However, nothing burst out, so he moved in.
He picked up a note on the top of a large stack of books. "I thought that you elves could use a way to vent your anger, so I would like to donate diaries to your group. Signed, Insanetedyz." Indeed, in the box, there were enough diaries for the whole group to get one each. Dalamar began handing them out. When there were only two left, Dalamar grimaced. Apparently, the store had run out of normal diaries, and only had lacy, flowered, pink or purple ones. He looked up at Drizzt, the only other elf with no diary, and they both winced.
Galadriel, noticing that the two, very different, Dark Elves had fixed their gazes on her, quickly took out a pen. Very neatly, on the first page of the green, leaf-patterned book, she wrote her name in a precise, flowing script. She looked up at the two, raising an elegant eyebrow and daring them to say something. They sighed in unison. "You choose." Dalamar closed his eyes, and held out the two books to Drizzt.
When he saw Dalamar's eye squint open curiously, Drizzt grinned evilly. "I'll take the purple one. I think it just compliments my eyes perfectly." He fluttered his eyelashes facetiously. With a resigned sigh, Dalamar put his own, bright pink, book into an inside pocket of his robe, vowing that his Shalafi would never set eyes on it.
A discreet knock on the door broke the tension. Dalamar smiled in relief. That must be the speakers! He waved the door open, and in walked two humans. They were dressed in very odd clothes, and then waved at someone outside of the room. "Bring 'em in, boys!" Apparently, they had hired a few of the dw… elves from the week before to do some hauling. The diminutive men were bent double; four were needed to carry the large, covered rectangle. They set the large thing down, and quickly retreated.
At the elves questioning glances, the female human spoke. "I am Agent Miiro, and this is Agent Bridger. We've come from the PPC to speak to you about Mary-Sues." The elves' wariness at the entrance of humans dissipated when they heard that they were from the PPC. The fierce agents of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum were nearly legendary for their fearless fighting of all badfics. Dalamar grinned at the reception of his speakers.
"Now," Agent Miiro's voice was sharp as a dagger. "The first step toward accepting your problem is talking about it. Does anyone have any Sue problems that they'd like to share?"
Dalamar looked about nervously. "Well…" He looked around again, as though expecting some sort of aerial attack.
"Come on, Dalamar, don't be shy!" Dalamar felt a compulsion to speak. He'd forgotten about the powers that the Agents possessed.
"Well, it's about one of the authoresses. Dally. She's written a blatant Sue for me, and whenever I tell her I want out, she just threatens to remove me from this support group, and then writes an especially soppy chapter! I don't know how much longer I can take this." He shook his head sadly. "She's completely obsessed! I mean, she stole my name for her penname and e-mail address, and now she's taking over my life! Enough about me, though." Dalamar was feeling rather resentful that the PPC Agents had chosen him to pick on. "I think Legolas' problem is even worse."
Legolas glared daggers at the dark elf. He spoke before the Agents could make him, however. "It is rather true. Especially after my books were made into movies, I've pretty much become known as Middle Earth's most eligible bachelor. Therefore, a very large percentage of the stories including me give me a Mary-Sue date. The majority of those are very badly written. Hell, I'd love to trade Dalamar my droves of drooling fangirls for his one obsessive authoress!"
Agent Bridger smiled in a rather sinister manner. "So, Legolas, what are your true feelings on Mary-Sues? Come, now, acknowledgement leads to healing!" Legolas felt the compulsion fall upon him.
"I…" He fought it as hard as he could, but even such a dark secret as his could not be kept from Agents of the PPC. "I'm afraid of them." His voice came out in a hushed squeak, and he tried to ignore Elladan and Elrohir's maniacal laughter. He hid his head in shame, and prayed that the PPC Agents would move on. They did.
"Anyone else from Middle Earth?" Agent Miiro's voice cut through the shock of Legolas' statement. "No, you're all either abusers or frequent slash favorites." She answered her own question. "Hmm," her grin copied that of Agent Bridger. "How about Drizzt? Have any feelings you'd like to share?"
The drow felt the Agent's power forcing him to stand. "Well, I'm actually usually paired either with a female or male canon character. Slash is my problem more than Mary-Sues…" The other elves exchanged puzzled glances at the normally composed, sarcastic Drizzt's babbling. Drizzt tried to sit down before the Agents could stop him.
Unfortunately, even Drizzt's quick reflexes could not save him from the fate that the agents had planned for him. Agent Miiro made a tch sound. "I don't think so. You know what I'm talking about, and it's not that. Now, speak."
Drizzt fought the compulsion, even harder than Legolas had. Finally, he spoke, blood dripping down his chin from where he'd bit his lip. He hung his head in shame. "'Masue." His voice was barely audible, even to the sensitive ears of the elves.
"Enunciate, dear. Mumbling is quite unbecoming!" The Agents' twin grins widened.
"'Masue." Drizzt repeated himself, equally unclearly, but in a slightly louder voice.
"Come on, sharing is healing. You're among friends!" The Agents started to cackle.
"I'm a Sue, goddamnit! How many times do you want me to say it? I am a canon Sue! I mean, look at me. I was given an unexplainable conscience, I have purple eyes, I'm an unmatched fighter, and I have a magical soul mate of a cat. I'm moody and angsty, and mysterious. I am a complete Sue. That's my Sue problem, and now its out in the open. Happy?" That last, biting remark was directed at the Agents. Once more, he tried to sit down.
"Almost." Agent Miiro smiled sweetly. Once more, she wrenched Drizzt up from his seat. "I've always maintained that song is an excellent way do show emotions. You're on!" Suddenly, a black, plastic thing with a rounded, latticework metal head appeared in Drizzt's hand, and there were some very bright, very odd lights shining down on him.
"But I don't si…" Drizzt began to protest when Bridger cut him off.
"You do now."
Against his will, Drizzt began to sing a song of woe in a light tenor voice.
"My creators wrote a story all about the drow
And they gave me silver hair to compliment my dark brow
Plus enchanted blades to help me through.
Now, my panther is tough and my techniques are cool,
But sometimes I can't help to feel like a fool
Because all in all they could have simply named me 'Sue'.
Well, I became a warrior, the greatest fighter at last,
And I got some faithful sidekicks and a freakin' angsty past.
It seems I had to fight my whole life through.
Though hunted by my people, my conscience never crack'd
I always fight for goodness and some weak ones I protect.
I tell ya, life ain't easy for a drow named 'Sue'.
I'm a drow, you should expect that I'd never feel mirth
But I'm everybody's darling, a leader from birth,
While the plot reveals my tragic inner strife.
But I made me a vow to the print and the press
That after this canon of heroic distress
I kill those guys that gave me that clichéd life.
So I went to a convention where those geeky gamers meet
And they let me in for free, for my 'costume' was so neat.
Oh fantasy gamers, a real nightmare come true.
And at the table of a certain gaming company
I spotted some novels that were featuring me,
And I had found those guys that made me become a 'Sue'.
But they said: "Son, let's face it, this market is rough,
And if a book's gonna make it, it's gotta be tough,
And we needed a hero to help Faerun along.
So we made you a Sue and the fans would buy.
We knew you'd have to sell or die,
And it's the angst that helped to make you strong.
Now you see the people just want it like this,
The adventures of a Sue, and they read it with bliss
For all boys and girls want just to be like you.
So we sell an old dream, and fans are in love
For who didn't want to be so handsome and tough?
And from time to time everyone just needs a 'Sue'."
When Drizzt was done, the elves could not help but clap at his bravery. They also clapped in the hope that the PPC lecture would be over. They had forgotten about the covered rectangle, however, which was now emitting odd noises. "Now," Agent Miiro continued. "The second step to acceptance is confrontation." With a nod to Agent Bridger, they flung the covers off of the mysterious objects in unison. Legolas screamed in uninhibited terror.
A/N: Don't worry; we do have the rest of this episode already written. Notice: this story will be moved back to the DL subcategory with the posting of the next chapter. Our goal had been to gain a throng of new readers, but unfortunately, we only got one, and lost several! So, for the next update, we will be back in the R section of DragonLance. Now, to our lovely reviewers:
Insanetedyz: Hope you didn't mind our mutilation of your diary idea! We just had to. I'm really glad you think so highly of our writing skills. And no worries about the extra review: a review is a review is a review! Wow, so glad you think we're actually keeping everyone in character. With this kind of fic, it can get rather hard at times.
Guan: You're right, they don't, but we can always hope. Glad you enjoyed.
LadyJanelly: Welcome, wonderful new reader! Yay, we've finally gotten an abuser on board. Checks bio page Wow, you really are an abuser! Glad you can take all of this in good humor. Thanks for reviewing, and we hope you continue to read and review.
Jade Limill: Yes, Thranduil is abused quite a lot, isn't he? Hope you enjoyed this chapter too!
Lazy.kender: Hehe, no problem about not noticing us, just glad you found us again! Yes, that part was written by me (Dally) and I had a good laugh while writing it. Name change duly noted!
SorcerousOne: Yes, you're getting a response because you didn't review the last chapter! (To anyone like me who reads responses to other people, I (Dally) do know SorcerousOne from off of this site. I'm not a stalker, I swear! ) Anyway, resuming our discussion of a few months ago regarding people who hide a sinister side under a good exterior, lets just say this: If you don't review these two chapters soon, the Mauler of Wolves will be on your tail!
