Disclaimer: We own nothing and no one, save ourselves. No elves were harmed in the making of this chapter.
Hello, Mary-Sue, Goodbye Heart
Out of the box jumped a being from Legolas' most frightful nightmares. A beautiful blond human girl whose long golden hair flowed gracefully over her backside. It fell elegantly along her rosy cheeks and cascaded around her slightly pointed ears. Apparently, she was a half-elf. The girl had beautiful blue eyes which could only be described as breathtaking. Like her hair, they shimmered and sparkled, even in the dim light of the inn. All in all she was surrounded by an aura of beauty and grace. Whoever sat his eyes on her couldn't help but feeling his heart flutter in romantic excitement. (Especially if the observer was a male.) Then, the girl began to speak.
"Hello," she said with an almost musically vibrating voice "I am Liralala." At this point, something strange happened. All male elves in the room and even Agent Bridger closed their eyes a bit as if they were in a trance. Legolas desperately tried to fight the strong spell the girl had cast over him. He winced and struggled a bit longer against the strange emotion the girl's presence invoked in him. In a desperate effort to escape from her unnerving glare, he dove under the table with an effeminate squeak. However, none could overcome the power of the Sue. He could feel her eyes boring into him through the thick wood, and could finally do nothing more than emerge once more.
In end he knew that she was simply irresistible and all his efforts to keep some brain capacity working were doomed from the moment she had left the box.
"I'm such a wretched creature," she said with a sobbing tone. That caused all the males to frantically search their pockets for handkerchiefs. "Do you like me?" the girl finally asked and smiled shyly, hoping for sympathy.
"WE LOVE YOU!" the guys cried in unison. At this moment Galdadriel couldn't help it anymore and burst out in laughter. She had had to suppress a giggle from the moment that the girl had opened her mouth. Even Agent Miiro's lips had twitched a bit, until she had noticed her fellow Agent's reaction.
"You found an extreme specimen for your demonstration. I'm impressed!" Galadriel whispered at the only person in the room besides her who still had some brain cells left. Miiro nodded, not so amused anymore.
"Yes, she was the most dangerous 'MS' we could find in our prison cells. The PPC called hera "mother of Sues". We suspect that she is probably a progenitor of a whole bunch of half-elf Sues." At this point Galadriel didn't listen anymore. The graceful elven Lady had fallen quite ungracefully from her chair laughing. But the scene in front of her eyes could only drive the any helpless observer into a hysteric laughing fit. While Miiro and Galadriel had discussed Liralala's danger potential, the Sue had raised her voice again.
"I come from the Earth and I need your help to find my place in this world and a new identity and man to share my life of pink unicorns and honey bees with. Of course, my hero, our love will be difficult and incredibly tragical, because in course of our wonderful relationship, I will be captured a thousand times before we can make sweet love, I will be hunted by many men who want to posses my beauty and my incredible, undiscovered magical talents. Anyway, you, the man of my heart will be my true love and love me you must. Who wants to be my hero?" Her simple question transformed the group instantly into babbling chaos.
"TAKE ME!" Skywise said and ran into Liralala's direction. He ignored the fact that she was nearly twice his height. "I'm the man you want. I'm the greatest love machine in this dimension-"
Before Liralala could react, she was stopped by Elrond and Thranduil. "Age goes before tantric knowledge!" Elrond hissed. He shoved Skywise back and fell on his knees in front of Liralala. "I'm the man you need." he cried. "I can make you the honored Lady of Rivendell." Rivendell's lord seemed to have conveniently forgotten that the love of his life waited faithfully for him in the Undying Lands.
"My kingdom is greater then yours!" Thranduil punched Elrond in the neck, making him fall over. The King of Mirkwood was behaving in an infantile, unelvish manner. "Who needs this worthless half elf, if they can have a REAL elf? Choose me, Lady, and Mirkwood is all yours." He too seemed to have forgotten all about his wife.
"At least I'm an half elf. I can understand her like no one else can." Elrond mumbled, from his sprawled position on the floor. It was not easy to speak with Thranduil's boot on his spine. Liralala tried to say something but then she was hauled backwards and right in the arms of Zelgadis. "You don't need those gay elves, you can have a man rockhard as stone with the mysterious aura of tragedy and magic! I will please you, my sweet golden girl like no other man befo-" At this point a fireball hit Zelgadis turning him into a yelping marred heap on the floor. Fortunately for him his anime heritage saved him from taking any serious damage.
With an elegant move, Dalamar stepped into Zelgadis' position. "Liralala, my dear. I saw you and I just knew I loved you. I never trust people easily. But I feel it is different with you. It maybe utterly foolish to trust an absolute stranger, but I know that you have a pure, loving heart and I know you will forgive me all my evil deeds and that you can love a black robe." Liralala only nodded and sank into Dalamar's embrace. They kissed. The couple was caught in a bubble of romance. Little fluffy hearts and cherry blossoms appeared suddenly and hovered in the air around them. They stood still as if in the eye of the storm that raged around them.
Elrohir and Elladan had started a fight while they had tried to hinder each other from coming to near to Liralala. Their fight had turned into a stalwart brawl that included Drizzt, Agent Bridger, the twins'father, and basically any other elf besides Legolas. Legolas was the only male elf who had finally built up some kind of resistance against Liralala's terrible power of romance, but this resistance came at the cost of an extreme phobia.
Sobbing, he crouched next to Galadriel and clutchedat her legs. "Save me." he cried in utter panic. "Save me from this monster!" It was Agent Miiro who chose that enough was enough and the demonstration had been more than successful. With a very sore face, she reached for her weapon, aimed at Liralala and fired.
PENG!
The Sue managed to produce one surprised sigh and slumped down lifelessly in Dalamar's arms. Instanly the spook was gone. The elves stopped punching and kicking each other and screaming obscenities and Dalamar stared unbelievingly at the girl in his arms. When had he embraced the girl? And why? His memory of the last five minutes was strangely blurred.
Agent Bridger straightened his jacket. Suddenly his coolness and aloofness had come back. "Good shot!" he said and examined the dead Sue. His fellow agent had set a shot right through the heart. The Sue must have been dead instantly. Miiro was not someone to toy with.
The next few minutes passed in silence while the elves realized what had happened. When all of them were through with mutual apologies and Legolas had stopped sobbing, Miiro went back to the lecture.
"This was to demonstrate you the power of the Sues. But even if they seem irresistible, there is a way to get rid of them. I mean, besides anine millimeter. The trick is to see through her. Now look at her." Hesistantly the elves stepped nearer. The memories of what the Sue had done to them were still very present in their minds and, anyway, none of them were eager to see a corpse. None, however, dared to contradict the even more dangerous agent. When they looked at Liralala, they were surprised. The achingly beautiful girl had turned into a completely normal human. Her hair was much shorter, brown and even a bit greasy. It wasn't nearly as gorgeous as it had been.
She was small for a human, thin with not much of a chest. Her figure was far from perfect now. Her thighs were stronger then before, less goddess-like. Her perfect nails were short now and looked as if she probably had chewed on them. Her eyes were still blue but the unnatural sparkle had gone. There she was, a very human looking girl with freckles on her nose.
"You see?" Agent Miiro said. "THIS is the truth behind the beauty. THIS is reality."
Zelgadis bent over the dead girl. "Hm..." he said. "Though I don't feel compelled to love this women, she looks more likable then the sex goddess we saw before. I might have liked to know her."
Miiro grinned. "Don't feel too much pity for her. She is better off dead then alive as a Sue. Only a dead Sue is a good Sue." At this comment Drizzt choked hard. Miiro cast him a reproving glance. "Male canon Sues excluded."
"But still... I don't like people to get killed in our elf-group. This may ruin what is left of our good reputation." Dalamar stated, offended. When he had invited the agents he hadn't meant to have the evening end in murder.
A soft chiming voice whispered words of comfort in his ear. "You know, in fanfiction people never die. They just wait for the sequel." Dalamar turned around looking for the speaker. He found Tinkerbell hovering over his shoulder. The little fairy had spent the evening hidden in Galadriel's long hair and nobody had given any attention to her until that very moment. "But if you feel sad about her death, there is a way to revive her again." she said.
When Dalamar and the other elves looked at her expectantly, she continued. "It is simple. You just have to clap your hands and have to say three times: 'I do believe in Mary Sues!' Then she will become alive again."
Dalamar crossed his arms. "That's the most infantile spell I've ever heard of!"
Tinkerbell looked offended. "Phhh..." The fairy floated to the window. "If you don't want my help..." She vanished behind a flowerpot and sulked.
Dalamar sighed. They were stuck between two equally stupid options. Either behaving like a group of complete idiots, or having a corpse on the floor, which definitely wouldn't be appreciated by the bartender. He sighed. Well, things couldn't get any worse, could they? "I do believe in Sues" he finally sighed, resigned, hoping the others would be collegial enough to join.
"You have to clap!" came from behind the flowerpot.
Finally they all clapped and cried out "I do believe in Sues." Unexpectedly, Legolas showed the bravery that got him hordes of fangirls to begin with, and joined in. And even the agents clapped inconspicuously, when nobody was watching them. When all of them had uttered the horrible phrase several times, suddenly the wound in the girl's chest closed and she opened her eyes. She stayed the way she was, though.
"Thank you." she said. "When you killed me, you freed me from the Sue curse. You know, I was a dreaded Sue and Slash hunter, long ago. They called me the queen of parodies. I made fun of Sues and other clichés. But then, several authoresses who didn't like me because I made fun of them grouped together and cast a terrible curse on me. From then on I was doomed to be the worst Mary Sue ever seen. I lived a life imprisoned in stereotypes. Now you have freed me, fearless agents, brave elves. And you gave me a new life. I'll be eternally thankful. Now I go home and write a story of my own without elves and Sues. But maybe, some of you will meet me again. With these words her shape began to shimmer and flare.
"Wait. What's your name?" Dalamar cried out. If someone owed them a favor he wanted at least to know who that was.
"My name is Petalwing..." they heard a soft whisper and a giggle and then she was gone, leaving an astonished group of elves and agents.
A/N: Sorry that took so long: Dally's fault this time! Pet had some responses for readers, so her comments will be marked. (Usually Dally does those.)
Guan: Yes, Drizzt is a very brave soul for that. I guess facing down the PPC is a lot more terrifying than public humiliation, but still. And yes, we're glad to be returning home to DL as well!
Ahn-Li Steffraini: (From Pet) Glad you're still here in the lovely Ffnet. By the way, when will you update again? (From Dally) Ouch – sometimes, computers can be so annoying! And ditto to Pet's question about your updates. I miss your updates!
JunoMagic: (From Pet) Yeah. I love that song too. But when I heard it for the first time, I couldn't help myself. This cried for being a filk. (From Dally) I got a good laugh out of the song too, especially Pet's adaptation.
LadyJanelly: (From Pet) No, you're not the only abuser here. We also make fun of ourselves in ESGAME. So far, we're our favorite targets. Dally is the "obsessive authoress" and I - , well I, oh, just look above. And Faerun is a nest of Maurice Stus. They are still not as bad as James Bond… (From Dally) Correction to my earlier statement: (as far as we know) you're our only slash abuser… That I know of… Happy to see so many people recognized the song, and that others agree with our conclusion about Drizzt!
Lazy.kender: (From Pet) Hm, an interesting idea… We will see… (From Dally) Personally, I never get annoyed with reviewers, unless they're either illiterate or insulting, and you fall into neither category. Heh, and yes, I agree – I don't think Raist would be to pleased to find out that his apprentice needed a support group…
SorcerousOne: No complaints about our characterization for this chapter? Raised eyebrow You're falling behind! As to the song – can't take credit for more than one line. Johnny Cash wrote the original, and Pet changed most of the lyrics. I do write other filks though. As to being afraid, you ain't seen nothing yet! Evil laugh Disclaimer: this response contains no subliminal messaging!
Hakatri: Hmm, which of the series of StarTrek did the Q come from? I don't seem to remember them… Hangs head in shame Well, Leggy-poo (I hate his nicknames too!) didn't die of shock, but came close! Welcome aboard, and I hope you continue to read and review.
