RATING: PG
SUMMARY: It started out as nothing but translating maps to get them off the island, but when Shannon realizes that she is falling for Sayid, will her past come between them?
DISCLAIMER: I don't own the characters from Lost and am not making a profit. If they were mine, then there would be more Shayid moments.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: From the chapter on there will be references to things from the show, especially Hearts and Minds, anything that wasn't stated in that show, is made up by me.
Thank you all that have reviewed. Thank you, mrstater! Again, I really appreciate you point out the dialogue to me in the first place and I'm glad that you felt like it worked. I had a lot of fun writing this chapter, especially the fluff part. I knew when I started this story where it was going, I have it all outlined, but I've been dreading this chapter because I'm not sure if I can do a good job with Shannon explaining her past, especially since I had to make things up since we only saw it from Boone's point of view. This chapter is mostly about her past; the repercussions of her sharing it will be explored in the following chapters. Thank SayidRocks for reviewing! Cliffhangers are fun, well at least they are to write, I hate reading them too. Hopefully Sayid will realize what you said about people changing. I'm glad that you enjoyed Sayid stripping and then dripping wet, I had to write that after getting the picture in my mind. Thanks Suzaane! I'm so happy that you enjoyed it. The story is only about half over, I have a few more chapters to go. Thanks again to all the reviewers and readers, I can't say enough how much it means to me.
Chapter Four Please Forgive MeShannon moved further away from Sayid. She couldn't let him touch her as she tried desperately to build a wall around her heart so this wouldn't hurt so much, but she knew that she had no choice. She saw the confusion in his eyes mixed with hurt when she moved away. She suddenly felt guilty for allowing him to feel anything for her; she should have spoken up before.
"What is it that you feel you need to tell me?" he asked, gently.
"It's about my past," was all she could say as she worked through what to tell him and how.
He smiled at her tenderly, "You do not have to tell me anything, Shannon. I do not need to know anything about your past. Everyone on this island got a fresh start when the plane crashed."
"I'm not a good person," she said sadly.
"I don't believe that," he paused, looking down at the ground, "But everyone makes mistakes and you do not have to tell me yours."
"I know that I don't have to, but I don't have a choice, Sayid. The way I see it, I either tell you or someone else will tell you. And I think you deserve to hear it from me."
"Boone," he said, "He is the someone you are referring too."
She didn't answer him, he would find out soon enough. "There is another choice. I can just walk away from you right now, and we'll never see each other again, it just ends, right now." Her voice shook with emotion, "I don't want that, but what do you want Sayid, do you want to end it now?"
A part of her wanted him to say yes just so she wouldn't have to tell him, so she wouldn't see the disgust in his eyes after she revealed her secrets. But the thought of never seeing or talking or being with him again hurt her heart. Yet she knew that once she told him her heart could still be broken.
His voice was steady and calm; the emotions swirling in his eyes were all that gave him away, "I can not think of something so bad that that would be necessary."
"Boy will you be surprised."
They both sat back down on the blanket, but Shannon was unable to stay there long as she tried to organize her thoughts. She jumped back up and started to pace back and forth. This wasn't going to be easy.
"Shannon, will you please sit back down?" he asked, "It is not necessary for you to tell me anything."
"No you need to know," she said biting her lip.
Shannon sat back down so that she was facing Sayid. She looked away from him as she thought about where to start. His eyes were filled with concern and that wasn't making it any easier for her to start.
She took a deep breath and counted to ten, it was now or never, she just hoped that somehow they could still be friends.
"When I was eight years old, my dad married Boone's mom. His mom hated me, I never knew why, but she did. Boone always got all the attention, even from daddy," she took the chance to look up at him and saw that he was listening closely. "I would try always to hang out with Boone, I think I drove him crazy. I used to think that if I stayed by his side maybe she would stop hating me. Boone was the favorite and I had to share my daddy with him. It wasn't fair, my mom was gone and Boone was taking daddy as well. That's when I started changing, hanging out with those girls I told you about the other day. I stopped being a little girl and stated acting older. It took a while for this to happen. I think I was twelve or thirteen when I realized that Boone was the favorite. Somehow I got it into my head that if I had Boone's attention that meant that I was loved. That's around the time I started doing some really stupid things."
She paused to take a drink of water. Telling him that was easy and she hoped that he realized that there was much more that she needed to share. So far he hadn't interrupted her and had just listened patiently. She wondered how long he would be able to do that.
"When I was in high school, daddy died and somehow my step-mom got her lawyers to say that his will was invalid or something, I don't know, I didn't pay much attention to that, I just wanted him back. When I started looking into college, I realized that she had spent all the money he had left for me. I was so angry, that's when I left to go to France. I ran away." She sighed, learning French had started her relationship with Sayid and it may lead to the end. "I met a guy there, he had this kid you know, the one I told you about, who loved that fish movie. It started out great, I thought that all my problems were over and I could stay there away from Boone and his mom. But then it all shattered." Her voice lowered to a whisper, "He became abusive. It started out just with yelling and calling me names, which I was used to, but then he started hitting me and once I ended up with a broken arm."
She could feel the rage coming off Sayid in waves as she finished, she wondered how differently things would have gone if she had had him to call.
"You should not have had to go through that, Shannon," he said, wiping away a tear she hadn't known had fallen.
"I'm not done yet," she replied, leaning into his touch. "I was scared so I called Boone for help. I didn't have anyone else who could help. He flew to France, against his mother's wishes, and he paid the guy off to leave me. I never saw him again." She paused, allowing that to sink in. "That's when I realized that Boone would do anything for me, even go against his mother. And I," her voice broke, "I used that against him. I started seeing guys that would hit me" she added air quotes around the words hit me, forgetting that Sayid didn't know what that meant. "It was really just makeup, I could make the best bruises. Boone would come pay the guy off and he would then give me half and we would go our separate ways. It was all going pretty well, I was starting to get some of Daddy's money back."
Her voice became even shakier; she didn't even recognize it anymore. "There is more, Sayid, and I don't know how to tell you or even really want to tell you, but you deserve to know," she rambled, tears filling her eyes. The rest seemed like nothing compared to what she had to tell him next.
Sayid reached out to comfort her, but she shook him off, afraid that if he would comfort her she would either lose it completely or lose the nerve to tell him.
"I was in Australia because I was doing it again, I had gotten Boone down there to pay off the newest guy, it was working too, he even paid more then I thought he would, but Brian, the guy, spilled to Boone what I was doing, I really kind of liked him more than the others and I wasn't ready to leave. After Boone left, Brian said I wasn't worth it and took all the money and everything and just left. I felt so stupid. I packed all my stuff, got really drunk and then went and saw Boone." Her whole body was shaking now as she tried to continue. "When I got to his hotel room, I…" she stuttered, and then paused, there was no easy way to continue. "I had sex with Boone. I told him that I knew that he was in love with me and then I had sex with him. I was so upset with…" she stopped, she needed to stop lying to herself. Sayid deserved to know the whole truth. "It doesn't matter, if I was upset, that's no excuse. I really don't know why I did it. I told myself afterwards that it was his fault but it wasn't it was mine, I just wanted to feel like someone cared about me, stupid I know, but I was really messed up, maybe I still am," she finished softly.
The silence was unbearable. She was done, she had just told him her darkest secrets and he hadn't said a word. Part of her figured he was just thinking about it taking it all in, processing everything she had just laid on him. But the other part, the much more vocal part of her mind told her that he was just thinking of a nice way to remove himself from this almost relationship. She couldn't read his eyes, and she hated the feeling.
Unable to hold back any longer, she tearfully asked, "Please, Sayid say something, anything. Yell at me, tell me you hate me, call me names, do something."
Before he could respond, Michael called out urgently for Sayid, something was wrong back at camp. He stood to go help him, leaving without a single word to Shannon.
Shannon tried to wipe the tears away, but more just fell in their place. She slowly started to pack up their picnic. It was all over.
TBC…
