RATING: PG
SUMMARY: It started out as nothing but translating maps to get them off the island, but when Shannon realizes that she is falling for Sayid, will her past come between them?
DISCLAIMER: I don't own the characters from Lost and am not making a profit. If they were mine, then there would be more Shayid moments.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: From the chapter on there will be references to things from the show, especially Hearts and Minds, Solitary and Numbers, anything that wasn't stated in that show, is made up by me.
Thanks again to all the reviewers and readers, I can't say enough how much it means to me. Thanks Alison, after this chapter there will be two more to go. Thanks Nicole, I was debating how I felt that Sayid would react and you will see more of the reaction in this chapter. Thanks so much Toki Thi, I am so happy that you are enjoying this story and feel that the characters are correctly portrayed. Thank you so much, SayidRocks. I hope that you continue to enjoy the story. Thank you, mariAmber. I'm glad that you enjoyed the comparison between Sawyer and Sayid, they both are gorgeous, but think I would have to pick Sayid. I hope you enjoy the next chapter too. Thanks mrstater, I'm so happy that you enjoyed both chapters. I couldn't imagine Sayid rejecting Shannon, but maybe that is just in my Shayid world. Thanks theblondeone07, I couldn't have Sayid be made for long, I orginially was going to wait longer for him to come back, but I thought that was cruel. Only two more chapters to go after this one, thank you again for such amazing reviews, it's making me think about what I want to write after this story is all done.
Chapter Six RevelationsShannon didn't know how long she stayed in Sayid's arms or if she had even heard him right, but at that moment she didn't care. All that mattered was that Sayid was there, he came back and was safe and right now he was holding her. She couldn't remember the last time she had been comforted when she had been crying and she held onto him tighter, afraid that he would disappear. One arm stayed wrapped around her, while his other hand gently rubbed her back. He whispered comforting words into her ear, telling her that everything would be ok.
After a while, Shannon's tears dried but still she didn't move from his arms. She told herself that she should, but it felt so good. She knew that as long as he held her, it meant that he couldn't hate her, even after hearing what he said when he first wrapped his arms around her, she was still so afraid of what he would say. She waited for him to amend his previous declaration. When Sayid realized that she had stopped crying he stopped talking, but did not move his arms from around her. She knew that they needed to talk and as much as she didn't want to, she moved slightly away from him.
"Do you hate me?" she asked him softly, his earlier declaration of love still ringing in her ears, but she didn't believe it.
He looked surprised at her question, "No, Shannon I don't hate you."
She played with the hem of her shirt, unable to look him in the eyes, "I hadn't seen you and I thought that maybe you were avoiding me." She didn't tell him she knew about his trip into the jungle, she needed to hear from him why he had left and why he hadn't stopped to say goodbye.
He took her one hand into his, "Hurley decided that he would be the one to get the battery that Michael needs for his boat, Jack and Charlie did not think that he could handle it by himself and they did not want to venture off without me since I knew where to go." He started to draw small circles on the back of her hand with his thumb, "I apologize for not being able to tell you before I left, they had wanted to leave quickly. It is why Michael interrupted our picnic."
"And your leaving had nothing to do with what I had just told you?" she asked, bitterly, pulling her hand away.
"I will admit that the timing of the excursion was excellent. I was able to go off and think about everything that you told. I will admit that I was surprised by what you told me, I had not expected that to be the secret that you so desperately needed to tell me." Shannon was unable to look away from him because he brought his hand up to her chin, forcing her to look him in the eyes. "Shannon, everyone has made mistakes, I'm sure if you conversed with anyone on this island any one of them would be able to share some misery from their past."
She watched him as he spoke and noticed the pain that was etched in his eyes. At first she thought that it had to do with what she had told him, but then she realized that he was talking from experience. She remembered that he had been a soldier and she wondered what horrors he had to deal with.
"I understand, Shannon, why it was so difficult for you to tell me, but it was also very brave. I appreciate that you told me."
She shrugged, "I didn't want Boone to tell you. It wasn't brave."
"You could have taken the risk that Boone would not have spoken to me, but you made the decision to speak to me first."
"You really don't hate me?" she asked, again, still unsure. She had never expected this to be his reaction.
"How could I?" he responded, "Your past has made you the beautiful woman sitting here with me, and I would not want to change that."
"Do you forgive me?"
He gently caressed her face, "I'm not the one who can give you that, Shannon. You need to forgive yourself."
She knew that he was right; she had to forgive herself for her actions, for her mistakes, that wasn't Sayid's job. She had to admit though he had surprised her. Never in a million years had she expected him to be ok with everything. She wondered if the time away in the jungle had helped him to deal with what she had told him.
He stared out past the ocean, "As I was looking for Hurley, I realized that there is something that I should tell you."
As much as she wanted to know more about him, wanted to know what caused that haunted look she had seen in his eyes before, she did not want him to tell her just so they would be even.
"Sayid, you don't have to tell me anything."
"No, you have the right to know, unless you would rather walk away."
She hit him on the arm, "No fair," she pouted, "You can't use my own words against me." She saw then how serious he was about this and she immediately sat up so he would know that he had her complete attention.
"You know that I am a soldier," he waited as she nodded in response. "What do you believe that I did?"
She had not been prepared for him to ask her that and she wasn't exactly sure how to appropriately answer it. She knew next to nothing about what it meant to be a solider. She thought back to all the army and navy commercials that had always been on when she watched television, but all she could remember was the slogan, be all that you can be in the army and then the newer one, an army of one. She could picture him being an army of one, but still didn't really know what that meant. "Um, I'm not really sure."
He sighed, "It was my duty to obtain information from those who were in opposition to our government."
"How did you do that?" she asked innocently.
"By any means necessary," he answered softly, looking down at his hands.
Shannon couldn't see his face, but she could picture the guilt swimming in his eyes. She looked down at his hands too as she thought about what he must have done. It didn't seem to mesh, him hurting people with the hands that had just comforted her when she was crying, but she had seen the soldier side of him or rather heard about what he had done for her asthma medication. It surprised her that she really didn't care.
'There is much that I could tell you that I have done and seen, but I will not share everything tonight." He turned to his bag and pulled something out. "I want to show you this picture."
Shannon reached out took the picture from him. She was surprised to find that the picture was of an attractive woman. She hoped that it was his sister, but she doubted that. She felt silly feeling jealous towards a picture of a person she had never meet, but for Sayid to still carry it, burnt edges and all, she must have been important to him. She didn't say a word as she waited for him to start talking again.
"This is Nadia, we were children together. She would push me in the mud and I would place it in her hair."
Shannon smiled at the picture of a younger Sayid being pushed in the mud; she couldn't imagine that he would let anyone get away with that.
He continued, "Seven years ago, Nadia was brought in for treason, it was suspected that she was involved in or held information about an attack. It was my job to uncover what it was that she knew."
"By any means necessary," she said softly, understanding how hard that must have been for him.
"I had no choice," he whispered, "I tried to make it easier on both of us, but I knew that she would not speak, just as she knew that I would not be able to give up. It became a sick game, until I was told that she was no longer a priority. I was told to kill her."
Shannon did everything she could not to react to what he had just said. She couldn't imagine that Sayid had done something like that, to Nadia or anyone for that matter. She couldn't picture him doing what he was talking about, yet the guilt that laced his words told her that he had. She reached out and took his hand, squeezing it gently to tell him that it was ok to go on.
"I knew that if I objected that they would turn on me, so I told them that I would do it. I took Nadia to a different entrance, I was going to set her free."
Shannon smiled; she knew that Sayid would have found a way to save her.
"Another solider came around the corner, he knew what I was about to do," he took his hand away from her, turning back to face the ocean, "I shot him. I could not let him tell anyone what I was about to do. I killed a man who I had served with for years to let Nadia free."
"He would have killed both of you," Shannon reasoned.
"Nadia knew that as well. She told me that I should run away with her, join her because of what I had done, but I could not. I shot myself and handed her my weapon. That is when she gave me the picture."
"What happened to her?" she asked gently.
"She is dead, I believe," he answered, "And it is my fault."
"How is it your fault? You saved her life."
"And by acting in that manner I painted a target on her. My fellow soldiers thought that she had murdered a man and wounded another, they would not have let her go easily."
"Maybe you're wrong."
"That I will never know," Sayid said sadly. He turned so that he was facing her completely. "Now it is my turn to ask you, do you hate me Shannon? For what I did was much worse than what you have shared with me."
She thought momentarily and the answer was simple, "I don't hate you, Sayid. You did what you thought could get someone out of a horrible situation, you did what you thought was best in a really difficult situation. I would be happy to have you by my side no matter what."
She had thought at first that she was just saying what he wanted to hear, but then she knew that she was telling him the truth. He had cared deeply about Nadia, that she could see, and he had acted in what he had felt was her best interest. Shannon wondered why he had fallen for her but she hoped that she could live up to the previous person who had lived in his heart.
"Am I forgiven?" he whispered.
She gently swept a strand of his hair out of his face, ""I'm not the one who do that. I think you need to forgive yourself."
"Now you are using my words against me."
"Thank you, Sayid, for telling me about Nadia," she said, grateful that he trusted her with what seemed to be such a difficult time in his life. She wondered what else he had been through, but knew that he would share when he was ready.
"You deserved to know who you are deciding to spend time with."
"And I think you make great company," she said smiling.
Shannon leaned forward to kiss him. She was surprised by how different it felt then their first kiss. Since they had both shared some of their baggage, they felt more connected to each other. This kiss was much more intense than the last time. She knew that she could get used to kissing him like this. She started to move her hand under his shirt, ready to remove it when he pulled away from her.
"It is beginning to get dark. You should let me walk you back to your tent. I am exhausted."
"Me too," she said, suddenly feeling emotionally and physically drained of energy, "I don't want to move from this spot."
"Are you going to make me carry you back?"
She laughed, "No I think that we can just stay right here for the night." Shannon took off the shawl that Sayid had wrapped around her earlier and folded it up for a pillow, which she then placed on the ground. "Lay down here."
"And what will you use?" he asked, as he followed her directions.
"You," she answered as she lay down next to him, resting her head on his chest as if he were a pillow. She snuggled up closer to him, "Best pillow ever."
Slowly, his arms wrapped around her, pulling her even tighten, "This was not the way I had pictured this evening ending."
"Me either," she said, as she began to drift off to sleep.
"I love you, Shannon," he said so softly that she thought it was the wind.
"Love you too," she mumbled as she made herself more comfortable.
She fell asleep feeling safe and loved for the first time in her life.
TBC…
