CHAPTER

TWO

I am very, very sorry to leave you hanging like that. No doubt you thought that I had abandoned you, starting this tale of misery and woe and leaving it uncompleted. Like when you are eating a chocolate chip cookie and go to get a glass of milk, only to find that the milk carton is there, but empty. Well this is not the case as I have no milk or chocolate chip cookies. The truth is in fact, much worse.

As I began this story I said that I would heed all of Mr. Snicket's research so that it would be a story of the utmost truth and of the high standards that Snicket prides him self for reporting. However what he has failed to tell you in all this time is that he is a complete slob. 'Slob' in this case meaning, one lacking any organizational skills what so ever.

Upon realizing this of course it was my duty to organize all the information that he has gathered and file it according to a proper and clearly understood system. Having spent much time in libraries this, while appearing a daunting task, "daunting in this case meaning off-putting, discouraging, overwhelming, and completely disheartening" it was not so daunting at all.

I learned much about the Baudelaires' at this time, including their birthdays and favorite colors, but more than facts are needed to properly present this story. You may wonder what else could be needed. What was absent was Snicket's writing style itself, for as you may have noticed it is indeed very distinct.

Now you may have noticed when you are around a group of people with a distinct dialect, "dialect hear meaning how a person speaks" that after enough time your own dialect will begin to match theirs.

This is why family member have such similar speech patterns and gestures. The same thing can be applied to writing. If you read enough of any one author or style, you begin to incorporate that style into your own. The more you read the more those styles appear.

It is for this reason that I decided to read every book that Mr. Snicket has published concerning the Baudelaire children. As you may have already noticed my style has indeed changed from when I first 'acquired' this story, and as I continue to look over his works the style will continue to more closely resemble that of Mr. Snicket's.

"Cunk Cunk Cunk"

Oh. Speaking of Mr. Snicket it seams he has awakened. I could not have him in the way while I was straightening up of course so I had to place him in the storage closet. Don't worry he won't be getting loose any time soon.

His arms and legs are securely bound. 'Securely' in this case meaning tight enough to prevent movement and escape but not tight enough to cut off all blood supply and 'bound' referring not to jumping but being held together. I can also assure you he will not be making much noise.

As I am sure you are aware duct tape can have many uses, its main and original use being to tape air ducts together, hence its name. Over the year however duct tape has become a very useful tool whether it is being used to hold together ones car together, as a secret ingredient in soup, or to keep reclusive authors quiet. It is amazing what a small piece of duct tape over ones mouth can accomplish.