NOTE: This is a direct sequel to my other story Bound, so please go read that one first if you haven't. Thanks, hope you enjoy it!
Star Wars - Purpose
Chapter 1
(Mara's POV)
I closed my eyes, attempting to still my thoughts as any good Jedi should. The practice caused the world around me to sharpen into clearer focus. The sense of life in the tall trees surrounding me, the trill of birds and insects without number. I followed the flow of the Force through the trees to a small familiar clearing. There Luke sat gazing into the forest, his emotions a subtle mix of thought and stillness. The infant in his arms made any semblance of true meditation hard to achieve, but no trace of annoyance flickered from him because of that. Instead, his emotions were content, dare I say, touched.
I opened my eyes, standing from the rock I'd been perched on. The forests of Grairr were exactly as they'd been the first time we'd first visited Marcus all those months ago. A sense of peacefulness and wild curiosity combined. Now this place shared another meaning altogether, it was the place we would always come to remember a lost friend…
Ben was nearly two months old now and strong enough to go off on his first adventure. A trip that Luke dearly hoped would hold no adventure at all. His dream of getting away, of living quietly, at least for a while. When given the chance he'd popped the question, wondering if now might be the time to take the plunge. To let the galaxy run itself for a while. I didn't have the heart to rain on his dream, and honestly, a little peace and quiet sounded nice. Though, I'd joked that if we really wanted quiet we'd have to leave Ben behind.
So there we were, living in a forest, slowly making Marcus' old empty house feel like a home again. There was no chance I'd make this arrangement permanent, no matter how much I hated Coruscant's traffic, but it would be nice for a while. A chance to get away and spend time with Ben.
The leaves crunched beneath my feet as I made the short trek back up the hill. In the far distance, you could just make out the outline of farmland, and the sound of some type of herd animal calling to its pack. Grairr felt like a lifetime removed from everything else as if it existed in a pocket dimension all its own. Another me would have hated it, but these days…
The vine-covered fence came into view and I gently pushed open the gate. Walking around the house I saw Luke sitting, that same content smile on his face, while Ben stared curiously up at him. At the sense of my approach, Ben let out a loud but happy shriek to get my attention. Boy did it…
I winced before walking over.
"I think he wants you to join us, Mara," Luke translated with a grin.
I sighed playfully as I reached to take Ben. "You could have just said so quietly you know, buddy?"
"I think he has your bold personality."
"Oh blame me, huh, Skywalker?" I softly quipped as I sat down next to him. These days I was much too sleep-deprived to be truly offended by anything… Or at least I didn't have the energy to show it.
I felt his arm slip around my shoulders as his emotions nearly gushed with simple happiness. "Look at that view, isn't it wonderful?"
I raised an eyebrow. "Yes, those trees definitely look different from the others I've seen."
"Mara…"
"It's nice, Luke," I consented playfully. "Happy now?"
"I just think it's wonderful to be surrounded by so much natural life. Most of these creatures haven't even been documented on galactic records."
"Thinking of becoming the first Jedi biologist?"
"Actually, I do think it might be good to record some data on them." He stood and walked over to the fence line. "For example, you see that bird? Our closest neighbor, Bicous, told me the locals call it a Purple Crested Galarr."
I squinted up at the two-headed bird. "Interesting, I guess…"
"They're very loyal animals," he went on. "Poetic even. They mate for life and can be seen building monuments to their families with sticks and rocks."
"A romantic bird, who would have thought…?" I teased. "Are you thinking of building something for me and Ben, or are those birds going to show you up?"
He smiled. "We don't give certain non-sentient creatures enough credit."
I had a morbid thought. "Please tell me it wasn't one of those poetic things we ate last night…"
He frowned a little. "Bicous said his wife had prepared it, but he didn't say what it was…"
I busted out laughing. "Might want to start sampling the plants instead if you're going to keep this biology thing up, Luke!"
"Well, I suppose for the moment, the circle of life and death is something we can't escape..."
We glanced over at the stone monument Marcus' family had for so long etched. The names of many visitors were neatly written in the alien script. Sometimes…the circle of life and death felt anything but natural.
The air between us sobered just a little. It was strange to miss someone you had only met once, but Marcus' absence in this place was very much felt.
"I think he would have wanted us to bring Ben here," Luke whispered as he gazed at where our three names had been etched onto the stone.
I smiled at him before looking down at Ben. "You're a very famous baby, you know that?"
Ben smiled up at me, a simple gesture he'd only recently mastered. "But what else should I expect?" I mumbled as I looked back up at Luke. "The son of the Luke Skywalker and whatever the name of that Imperial woman he married was."
He laughed. "Not all the tabloids put it that way."
I scoffed. "Yes, they do. If I wasn't already trying to play down my heritage I'd be disappointed I wasn't more well-known. But as it is, there are still a dozen New Republic politicians worried I might put a blaster in their back when they're not looking."
"Don't you think that's a little exaggerated, Mara? I think most everyone trusts you now."
I raised an eyebrow at him. "That's just because none of them make snide comments when you're around."
"What comments?" he asked, seeming a bit upset by the thought.
"Don't worry about it, Farmboy, I've taken worse in my time. Some people just find peace harder to accept than war."
Luke frowned as he walked back over to us. "I wish it wasn't true, but I've noticed that myself about some people... Still, personally making rude remarks is unacceptable, you should have told me."
"So you could do what exactly? Go tell them to play nice? In the end, some people just aren't going to like me, and frankly, I'm okay with that."
His shoulders slumped slightly. "I guess that can't be helped… But I wanted so badly for you to feel welcome in the New Republic."
"I didn't say I don't, Luke, most people are okay with it. Just a few diehards can't let the past go. Don't worry, the clout that comes from you and Leia accepting me is enough to keep them from doing much more than stewing in their own juices." I smirked. "Which I kind of like to think of actually…"
"I hope things are different when Ben's older…"
"Time helps, Luke, we just have to be patient. Besides, we're lightyears away from all those issues now, we can finally relax…"
"Right, what could happen here?" he asked innocently.
I frowned playfully. "With our track record, it's probably better not to ask that..."
But despite our ominous past, the next few days went by without any issues to speak of. We shouldn't have been surprised, as deep in the middle of nowhere as we were, but we also had old habits that were slow to die. For us, peace wasn't hard to accept, it was just hard to believe. Old instincts and hair-trigger nerves that had been honed for decades died hard. Or at least, I still felt that way…
It hadn't happened in such a long time, but a few nightmares had been resurfacing during our stay on Grairr. The first time I assumed it was just a fluke, but by the second I was a little confused. That old scene with the Emperor, Vader, and of course…Luke. The hatred that had always accompanied it was long gone, but the vision still left a shaky knot in my stomach.
Sitting up, I quietly tossed my feet over the side of the bed. Glancing back at Luke's sleeping face I just stared for a while. I took note of the slow rise and fall of his breaths. He was still alive, I hadn't killed him after all. It was a ridiculous thing to have to reassure myself of, but the past was like a tattoo that never truly faded. One I more often than not was ashamed of having etched into my skin…
Passing Ben's crib I glanced down at his sleeping face before drifting from the bedroom. Outside a light rain was falling, filling the air with the fresh scent of soil and undergrowth. Sitting at the kitchen table, I stared out at the pale twilight just before morning. The drops of rain danced across the flowers blooming in the neat rows Marcus had tended to so diligently. When we'd arrived the rows had been overgrown, but Luke was quick to tidy them.
Standing again, I dropped a few petals and herbs into a cup and poured hot water over them. The tea was something our neighbor had recommended and botanist/biologist Luke had been eager to sample it. It was no caf, but it wasn't so bad, especially for your nerves. Sitting back down I softly blew across the rim of the cup. In the back of my mind, I felt Luke's presence stir, likely jostled by the emotional static I was emitting. Or it might just be he could never miss a chance to be the all-wise comforter.
I smiled slightly.
He was so good at that…
I heard his somewhat sleep-induced clumsy steps coming down the hall, and I prayed he wouldn't wake Ben. But thankfully, the little Force-sensitive terror was sleeping a little more soundly these days. A little.
"Mara…?" Luke whispered before stifling a yawn.
"Well, you're up early," I said as if the same wasn't true for me.
He slid into the seat across from me, his senses slowly perking awake. "Yes, so are you. Is everything okay?"
I leaned back in my chair, a mock-serious look of drama plastered across my face. "I've been thinking, Luke, about the choices I've made in my life. Me out here married to some mildly handsome farmboy saddled down with a baby, living in a forest." I grinned. "I was just about to run away when you showed up."
He sighed, clearly not believing a word. "Well, if you were thinking of leaving, it's odd you thought to have tea first."
I reached across the table and squeezed his hand affectionately. "What can I say, it's good tea."
He smiled. "Besides your 'regrets,' what else has you up this early?"
I was sure he already had some idea, but he always did me the service of asking as if he didn't. "I had another nightmare…" I whispered softly.
"The same one?"
I nodded. "Yeah, but it's fine, I'm alright."
"Your feelings are very tense," he explained. "You don't have to try and hide that."
I just looked at him for a few long seconds. He was right of course, but admitting to being vulnerable had never come easy for me. But if I was being honest, I knew I was afraid. Me, Mara Jade, now with Skywalker enhancement, was afraid. Or at least, I had been…
That dream, with all the hate drawn away, all I was left with were the feelings that lay underneath. And that feeling was mostly, fear. The fall of the Emperor was the end of every way of life I'd ever known. And in my own warped way, I'd thought of him as my only support system at the time. But it was all such old news now, why were those feelings still bothering me…?
I didn't know, but I figured Luke was going to try and find out. In his own way, I thought he'd help me figure it out too, he always did. Even if he didn't face the problem directly, he had a way of helping me work it out in time.
For now, he squeezed my hand back and gave me his more than mildly handsome smile. "But anyway… Do you remember what today is?"
I thought hard before coming up blank. "Honestly, out here in this forest I've lost all sense of time."
He gave a playfully disappointed look. "You really don't remember?"
I thought again and this time my eyes popped open wider. "Oh…" I mumbled feeling awkward suddenly. "Our wedding anniversary, right?"
He nodded. "Yes, but it's okay if you forgot. I know we've been so busy with Ben lately."
He seemed genuinely understanding, but I couldn't help but feel guilty. I definitely hadn't thought to get him a gift. Which made it all the more pitiful when he stood to get me mine. Walking over to the bookcase he pulled out a small object he'd hidden behind Marcus' scattered whatnots.
"Inspired by the Purple Crested Galarr, I built you a little monument of my own."
He sat the chunk of wood in front of me. I stared at it, noticing the way it had been intricately carved into the shape of a flower.
"How'd you make this?" I asked a little surprised. "It looks like careful work."
"I adjusted a few things on my lightsaber to temporarily get a thinner beam, it made the carving a lot easier."
I let go of a slight scoff. "It's beautiful, Luke, but be careful, won't you? I don't want you losing the other hand."
He shot me a playful frown. "It wasn't so difficult with the Force as a guide."
I turned the carving around in my hands. "Well, thanks… But I didn't get you anything…" I felt like real wife of the century material right about then…
He smiled lovingly at me. "What do you mean? You gave me Ben. Nothing I ever do for you can compare with that, silly."
I blushed a little under the warm rays his emotions were emitting. All my feelings of doubt about the past, all the things that still haunted me, and yet he… He saw me through such a wholesome filter. Draining away all the flaws I knew must have been glaring, leaving only this almost childlike admiration he had for me, for our family.
I felt my emotions clench in my throat. That same nightmare was playing in time with all our wonderful memories…
I opened my mouth to say something, anything. But it was cut short by the sound of Ben demanding breakfast, post haste.
I smiled at him. "You're sure you really want to thank me for that?"
He laughed. "Yes, I most certainly do."
After a while, the rain lightened up enough for us to venture out. The scent of soil and moss was something I was really starting to get used to. The forest had a life all its own. Admittedly, these days I enjoyed the perspective the Force gave me. For so long the extra senses had almost felt like overwhelming chatter, but now, it felt like a connection. There was a certain satisfaction and peace in that.
"Any idea where we're going?" I asked Luke as we made our way up a hill. Glancing back, the little cottage was fast fading from view.
"We're just going," he replied with a slight laugh.
"Ah," I mumbled sarcastically. "That makes perfect sense."
Though to him, I knew it did. The whole point of our being here had to do with losing ourselves in the mundane. He was just exploring, something I could imagine him doing as a kid. Though, I thought the forests of Grairr might have been a little more interesting than Tatooine. If you'd seen one sand dune I thought you'd seen them all. Of course, aimless exploration had never been a luxury of my own childhood, but I tried not to dwell on that thought.
From my arms, Ben seemed more than satisfied to stare at the world emerging around him. From the sense of animal life darting through the trees as we approached, to the beaming curiosity of his father, I assumed he had a lot to keep his fledgling Force sensitivity busy. Just one look at him was enough to make me smile. And not just for the obvious reasons, no, he looked somewhere between adorable and ridiculous in that tiny Jedi robe.
Luke detected the amusement in my feelings and glanced back at me. Knowingly he smirked. "Robes are very functional."
"Right, that's why you hardly wear them?"
"It's more of an old Order sort of thing, but it suits Ben, don't you think?"
"No, not even a little, but it's too funny not to laugh at. He seems to think it's comfortable at least."
Ben happily flailed his arms in the baggy sleeves, seeming to agree. "Heh, maybe he'll bring them back in style when he's older…" I mused jokingly.
Luke held back a branch gesturing for us to walk past. "I don't know, I think it's nice to just keep them for formal occasions," he commented. "Otherwise we might seem a little strange to non-Jedi. I think it's better to blend in with everyone else as much as possible."
"Says the man who always enters town with a black hood…"
"Would a brown hood be better?" he teased.
Walking past him I didn't bother answering that. The trees cleared somewhat up ahead, framing a small opening in the brush. Moving forward, I noticed a furry creature of some sort dash into a shrub. But what caught and held my eye wasn't the wildlife, it was the view. The clearing had ended at a cliffside. Far away in the distance, you could make out endless forest treetops. A canvas of greens, light browns, and the occasional splotch of purple.
It was beautiful, there was no disputing that.
Luke sat down behind me on a fallen log. Patting the spot next to him he gestured for me and Ben to join him. Doing so, I sat Ben on my lap, letting his wide blue eyes take in the picturesque scene in front of us. Some blend of confusion and wonder seemed to ripple from him as he tried to figure out what to make of it. I imagined he had a lot of things left to make sense of. So did I for that matter…
I watched the breeze stir Luke's hair out of the corner of my eye. His feelings seemed simple and content, but I knew below the surface he had something on his mind.
"What?" I asked, starting the conversation.
"Hmm?"
I elbowed him in the side. "Don't play dumb, Skywalker, what's on your mind?"
Reaching for Ben, he smiled innocently. "You and Ben of course." Gently bouncing him on his knee he tried to hide the small echo of sadness in his emotions. But as I'd so often learned, hiding did little good.
"Anything else…?" I softly yet firmly asked.
A tiny hint of frustration played out across his face before he smiled at me. "You know me so well, Mara."
"You bet I do, so what's up…?"
He looked away into the distance, a certain bittersweet acceptance lingering on his face. "I was thinking of my mother lately, not that I have much to think about... But it's not really memories so much as a vague feeling. Something seeing you and Ben together reminds me of…"
There was more to it than just that. He pulled back his guard and let the feeling wash over me. It fell just short of actual memories, just a sense of love and great sadness. I thought of Ben, of everything he seemed aware of through the Force even at such a young age, had Luke been the same?
It certainly seemed likely. But either way, Skywalker family history was a tragic story that had long since become a moot point. But I knew pointing that out would do little good now… I thought of all my own nightmares. For better or worse, the past stayed. Stayed for a long time…
"I just have blanks…" I admitted. "About my own mother, I mean. Not even feelings, but maybe that's for the better…?"
He shook his head softly. "No, I think it's good to remember, even if it's painful…" He pulled Ben in closer, cradling him in his arms. "I just wish they all could have met Ben, I wish things could have been different…"
I didn't blame him for that, but in all likelihood, if things had been different… "Then we'd never have even met…"
"That's the ironic part, isn't it?" he admitted softly.
I thought about it, about the person Luke really was inside. How much he would have cherished a simple life with a family to support him from the start. It was pointless, but I felt guilty suddenly. We could do nothing to change it, but would he really have chosen this tragic life that lead him to me if he'd been given a choice…? It wasn't a fair question, I knew. But all the same, he didn't find it a hard one to answer.
"I don't want what could have been, Mara, not at the expense of what is."
The slightest chill gathered around my shoulders as I fell silent. As always, I didn't quite know what to say. Not to emotions so earnest and deep. But I wanted to find an answer, I always had…
"Hey uh, Luke…" I mumbled, all my typical confidence gone. "So you know, I um…"
I'd said I love you countless times, it was never this hard, and yet… Something felt different suddenly as if with time the meaning of those words had grown, and strengthened until I was almost afraid of saying them. Afraid of being a person capable of showing the degree of what I felt.
"I love you…"
My emotions shrank back awkwardly after I'd said it. It was stupid, but I…
He turned to look at me, feeling the difference in the familiar phrase. I wanted to explain, to convey what it felt like to have so many mistakes on your hands. So many things I was ashamed of now. Seeing Ben brought those feelings to the fore, which had to be why the nightmares had returned.
"But to be honest…" I whispered. "I'm afraid of what he'll think of me, Luke… It's one thing when it's a few politicians that don't like me, but… My own son? I don't want him to be ashamed of me…"
The words felt raw against my throat as if each had been a jagged edge. But they were the things I'd been so secretly worried about, weren't they?
"I mean," I went on. "Are we going to tell him how we met? Or the first things I said to you? Are we going to tell him I held a blaster to your head?"
"We'll tell him the truth," Luke whispered softly. "A truth that includes all the reasons he has to be proud of you…" His eyes were tender and empathetic. He slowly flexed the fingers of his artificial hand. "Besides, we all have things we're ashamed of…"
I looked at him curiously. "Your hand…?" I whispered, not understanding what he'd meant.
"Not the hand," he admitted sadly. "Why I have it, that my own father could hurt me so badly."
I frowned. I'd never thought of it that way before, never known he had either. But on his face was what looked like a little boy, one who had been hurt desperately. Hurt by the very person he instinctually should have been able to trust the most.
I put my arms around him, pulling both of them in close. "I'm sorry…" I mumbled, for all the good it did. "I'm sorry…"
But his emotions melted into nothing that even remotely felt like shame or sorrow. Instead, the warm glow engulfed me, the sparkle of new hope blinding both of us to the past.
It made me believe that, just maybe, none of it even mattered anymore. The scars and the dried blood from decades worth of regret.
They were ghosts…
I met his lips as that realization set my determination.
But we were real, the three of us, undeniably…
