"Hello, Harry!" Remus greeted him cheerfully. Harry felt the color in his face gradually draining out. He didn't think he'd ever be able to look at the man sitting before him the same way again.
"Hello!" He said hastily, and a lot louder than he had intended to.
"Sleep well, mate?" Ron asked, looking him over, nervously.
"Fine." He lied.
"Are you sure Harry?" Remus said, doubtfully. "You look rather pale."
"It's nothing. I feel great, actually!" He dismissed him, quickly, and then, looking at Ron and Hermione, said, "Can I have a word, you guys?"
"Sure." Ron replied, a slice of toast in his mouth. He and Hermione exchanged worried glances, and then got up and followed him upstairs.
Lupin watched them from behind his paper, completely puzzled. When Mrs. Weasley walked in, carrying a pile of dirty clothes towards the laundry room, he put his copy of 'The Daily Prophet' down.
'Molly, I believe we need to talk."
Once they were in his and Ron's room, Harry rounded on his friends.
"Why didn't one of you wake me up?" He demanded, angrily. "How do you think I felt walking into the kitchen and seeing HIM there?"
"I suppose you mean Professor Lupin?" Hermione asked, coolly.
"Yeah, whatever-" Harry muttered. "What's he still doing here, anyway?
"Mum insisted he stay overnight." Ron explained. "I guess she figured that he could use some company, being that he's alone so often."
"Right."
"Harry, listen, we know what you saw during the last memory upset you, but-" Hermione began, but Harry cut her off.
"I'm not upset. I'm over it." He insisted, to which Ron and Hermione gave him unconvinced looks. "Honestly, I'm trying to forget about it. Anyways, I just wanted to know if you two wanted to come see the next memory with me."
"I don't know, mate," Ron said, tentatively. "Don't you think you've seen enough for just now? Can't it wait till later?"
"Ron I can handle it." Harry argued, stubbornly. "Seriously, I can."
"We know you can, Harry." Hermione told him. "We're just not sure if you really want to." Harry chose to ignore that comment.
"Listen. I'm going now with or without you two. So?" He looked at them, inquiringly.
"Fine. I'm in." Ron announced.
"Me too." Hermione agreed, and getting up off Harry's bed, she reached over to his night table, grabbed the novel, and handed it over to him with a small smile.
"Here we go again." He said, returning her smile. And untying the belt from the leather cover, he turned to the sixth page.
They were in the hospital wing. From the gloomy light peeking in through the windows, it appeared to be early morning. The sky was grey, and rain poured down miserably. Madam Pomfrey was out of sight.
A boy with dark hair knelt beside an occupied bed a few feet away. Harry, Ron and Hermione made their way up to him. It was James. He was gazing down at Lily's injured face. Gazing at her as though he'd never loved anyone more.
"Still here, Mr. Potter?" A voice came from behind the trio. It was Dumbledore. He swept majestically across the room to where Harry's father was kneeling, and smiled benevolently down at him. "She will be fine, James. I assure you."
"I know she will be." James replied, quietly. "I just feel like I should be here for her."
"Yes, perhaps you should be." Dumbledore nodded, graciously. "Still, I must say, it is a nice change seeing you two in the same room and not shouting your lungs out at one another." He laughed, pleasantly.
"Yeah, but that's only because she's still asleep." James answered, attempting a grin, but Harry noticed the touch of sadness in his voice.
"Ms. Evans should consider herself quite lucky to have someone like you by her side." Dumbledore pointed out. "Have a good day, James.
"Thank you, and same to you, Sir."
As Dumbledore strolled out of the wing, Lily's eyes slowly began to open.
"Potter." She said, weakly. "What are you doing here?"
"I-" He hesititated for a moment. "I have no idea." He chuckled, stupidly. She always made him feel like such an idiot.
"Is Remus all right?" She asked, concerned. James felt a pang of jealousy hit him, and Harry had a sudden surge of resentment for his father's friend. She was worried about Remus, perhaps she even cared about him.
"Remus goes through this every full moon. He'll cope. My question is if you're all right."
"I'm fine." She told him. Then she looked him over, suspiciously. "How long have you been here, Potter?"
"All night." He answered, bluntly. Lily looked shocked at first, then she shifted her hips and stretched, widely.
"God, you're such a retard, Potter."
"Yeah, that's me." He said. "And I guess- since we seem to be back on a last name basis- you're starting to feel much better. Okay, I think I'll just step out now." He turned to leave, but Lily's voice stopped him.
"It was you, wasn't it? You saved my life last night." James stared at her hard for a moment.
"What difference would it make if I did?" He replied, coldly.
"Don't be an asshole!" She snapped, then calming down she said, "So how long have you been an animagus for, then?"
"Swear to me that you'll never say anything about that to anyone." He pleaded with her.
"Potter, don't sweat it, I'll keep your big secret." She giggled.
"When we found out about Remus, we felt so terrible. We wanted to be there for him. To show him that we wouldn't turn on him because of what he was. So we studied for months on how to become an unregistered animagus, and finally, we went through with it."
"You, Sirius and Peter?"
"Yup. It was the scariest thing I've ever done, but it was an adventure. Every full moon is an adventure."
"And Remus can't hurt you in your animagus state?" Lily questioned him.
"No, he only reacts that way towards humans. Which is why you've got to make me a second promise. Promise me you'll never go looking for him off school grounds again. Promise me, Lily." Mustering up all his nerve, he reached out gently for her hand. Instantly, she recoiled. Looking up into his eyes she said,
"You know, I can't remember the last time you called me Evans."
"I grew out it." James said, simply. There was silence for a moment. Then,
"Why'd you save me, James?" To Lily's surprise, James laughed so sarcastically at this that it made her frown again.
"Why the hell do you THINK I did it?" He spat at her, as she lifted herself up, obviously preparing for a fight. "I LOVE YOU, Lily! I've loved you since the first time I met you! What don't you possibly get about that?"
"Frankly, what I don't GET is how you can say you love me, when you don't even KNOW me!" She retorted, angrily. At her remark, James fell silent. And as realization dawned upon him, he backed two steps away. The sparkle in her emerald eyes was alive with the furious passion he knew only he could bring out in her, and he knew he never wanted to see those eyes reflecting pain again. He wasn't going to this to her anymore. He was sick and tired of the stupid games they played with each other. This was it. No more. He was throwing in the towel. He was giving up.
"You know what? You're right. You are. I DON'T know you, but I'll have you know that I wanted to more than anything. I truly did."
"Listen, Potter-"
"No you listen." James demanded, determined to have his point said and then leave. "I'm sorry for anything I've ever done that hurt you, and I'm sorry for playing games, but I will never be sorry that I loved you. I know you're strong, and that's why you need to put up walls to defend yourself, but you never had to defend yourself from me. I only wanted to show you a good time. That's all."
Lily seemed to have lost her tongue. She dropped her head, shamefully.
"No! See- that's exactly what I never want to see you do! Never look down to anyone, Lily. Look, I don't want to make this another one of our dramatic episodes. I stand by what I said, and so I'm bowing out, graciously. I hope somewhere down the line we can eventually be friends. For now- goodbye Lily." With a last, meek smile, James turned and left the hospital wing.
The trio's last glimpse of the memory was seeing Lily bury her face in her hands. Then once again black had taken over, and they felt themselves spinning around in it, back to Grimmauld Place.
"Harry-" Hermione reached out to him, once they had returned. 'I'm so sorry-"
"I don't want to talk about it." He said, bitterly. And with that, he left the room, the book still in his grip. Running down the staircase, past the portrait of Sirius's mother(who began issuing curses at him), Harry thought about ripping out every page in the novel and throwing it in the lake at Hogwarts. His musings were jarred when he suddenly ran straight into someone. Looking up, he saw it was Lupin.
"Why the rush, Harry?" Lupin asked, curiously. Harry regarded him with newfound disgust. Suddenly he hated everything about Lupin. Suddenly meeting his pale blue eyes meant seeing the shadow of his mother reaching up to kiss him in the shrieking shack.
"I don't have time to talk to you." He answered, aggressively, and as he took a step forward he heard Remus's voice spoke up again.
"I know about that novel you're holding, Harry." Harry spun around.
"How?"
"I spoke to Dumbledore this morning. I was concerned about the way you were acting around me. He told me everything."
"Dumbledore was here? Well you know what, the next time you run into him, give him this." Harry said, handing him the novel, but Remus didn't take it.
"Why did you hide this from me, Harry?" He asked, looking genuinely pained. This for some spiteful reason, gave Harry some satisfaction.
"It was between my Dad and Sirius! Besides, why do you care? You definitely have plenty of your own secrets you kept from him!"
"What are you talking about?" Lupin asked him, perplexed.
"YOU KISSED MY MOM!" Harry was in a rage now, screaming carelessly. "YOU MADE HER FEEL SORRY FOR YOU! MY DAD LOVED HER, BUT SHE NEVER LOVED HIM! SHE PROBABLY LOVED YOU THE WHOLE TIME!"
Lupin's eyes were wide with understanding. He was so taken aback he couldn't even speak.
"I HATE YOU!" Harry roared at him. Meanwhile, Ron, Hermione, Fred, George and Ginny were watching the entire dispute from the top of the staircase. Mrs. Weasley had just entered the hallway to find the source of all the yelling. "GET OUT OF HERE!" Harry ordered him, no less than livid now. And because Remus Lupin had only the most respect in the world for Harry Potter, he obliged. Grabbing his jacket and hat off the coat stand in the corner by the door, he wished Mrs. Weasley a pleasant evening and quickly departed.
Harry gritted his teeth to stifle another tantrum. He threw the novel recklessly at the door, where it fell opened and bare on the cold floor. Time seemed to stand still. When Mrs. Weasley finally spoke, Harry felt as though he'd rather be anywhere else.
"Well Harry, dear, I never thought I'd say this, but I'm very disappointed in you. That was not the mature way of expressing your opinions to Professor Lupin. He only wants what's best for you, you know?" She smiled, sadly. "Now all of you, supper's just about ready. Let's head to the kitchens shall we?" She turned her back on them all then, and headed back to check on her meal.
Fred and George came down first. Passing by Harry they simply nodded politely, and the absence of one of their humorous remarks made him feel even worse. When Ron and Hermione made their way up to him, Harry was horrified to see that they both looked extremely let down by his actions.
'When are you going to grow up, Harry?" Hermione asked him, tears shining in her eyes. And with that, she followed Fred and George to the kitchens. Harry was left standing in front of a disheartened Ron.
"It happened almost twenty years ago, mate. It's just a memory now. You've got to let go and move on." He pat him on the back, and walked off. Staring blankly at his feet, at first Harry didn't hear Ginny come down. When she cleared her throat, he looked up at her, broken and black.
"Are you here to let me know how much of a mess I've made, too?" He asked.
"No." She replied, kindly. "Just to remind you that the person you just pushed away is someone who cares about you more than you can imagine. And it's the same for all us here, as well. We're here for you, Harry, but you've got to quit living in the past."
And she left him there feeling like a part of the floor. Cold, empty and stepped on. She left him there knowing he had made a terrible mistake.
