Guess who's back? Me! Yeppers, here is the first chappie of MotC! YAY!! Long chappie, and lots of Evan/Scott/Ray-bashing. Fun fun fun!!!
DISCLAIMER: If life gives you lemons, for the love of all things cheesy, DON'T EAT IT!
!NOTE! NO ANIMALS WERE HARMED DURING THE PARODYING OF THIS PARODY. However, I cannot say the same for mutants – especially JOTT – since I haven't finished writing this parody yet. And Monkey Dude aKa Mastermind does not count as a monkey…despite the fact that I repeatedly call him Monkey Dude…and um…well, go read the cast list. And yes, parodying is a real word.
ABOUT THE ACCENTS: I will only be attempting Rogue's, Remy's, and Kurt's. Maybe I might horribly butcher Sam's. I dunno.
To anyone who's reading this who hasn't X Mulan, you don't have to go read it, but it'd be helpful because I'm really just picking up from there…in a weird way. This has nothing to do with Mulan, but some of the jokes from X Mulan will probably be used here. Maybe. I actually don't know, cuz I haven't written this thing yet! Warning: JOTT-bashing, as always, and Evan-bashing. Yeah, I've recently developed an intense…dislike…for little Spyke-boy. Well, anywayz, on with the monotonous explanations!
Okay, I'm back! Well, the title basically sucks; I'm still waiting for inspiration to strike me. Or one of you guys can come up with a better one! Really! Help me!!!!
Okee, here is the list of characters, with a few additions I forgot to mention in the epilogue/prologue, and a few I made up on the bus. Anywayz, here we go:
Captain Jack Sparrow – Remy LeBeau / Gambit
Will Turner – Kurt Wagner / Nightcrawler
Elizabeth Swann – Kitty Pryde / Shadowcat
Barbossa – Eric Magnus Lensherr / Magneto
Commodore Norrington – Pietro Maximoff / Quicksilver
Governor Swann – Hank McCoy / Beast
Pintell – Evan Daniels / Spyke
Ragetti – Scott Summers / Cyclops
Murtogg – Bobby Drake / Iceman
Mullroy – Sam Guthrie / Cannonball
Mr. Gibbs – Logan Howlett / Wolverine
Anamaria – Rogue
Cotton – Sabertooth
Scarlett – Jean Grey
Giselle – Tabitha Smith / Boom Boom
Lieutenant Gilette – Todd Tolanski / Toad
The Midget – Jamie Madrox / Multiple
Jack The Monkey – Jason Wyngarde
Young Elizabeth Swann – Torpid; Young Kitty Pryde
Young Will Turner – Young Kurt Wagner
The Soldiers – Multiples of Mr. Madrox
The Cursed Pirates – Multiples of Mr. Madrox
The Pirates From Tortuga – Multiples of Mr. Madrox
The Director – Forge
The Costume/Make-up Designer – Ororo Munroe / Storm
And anyone I have forgotten (and believe me, there are quite a few) will be added in as they pop up.
Right, so let's get this started.
The scene starts with a sea…a very foggy sea…so foggy you could barely see that damn ship…
"Um, we're over here," Beast said.
Oh, right. So the camera flipped over about 20 feet to the right, where a ship was making its way out of the fog. There was a little girl on the deck that looked a lot like Torpid in a whatever-year-this-movie-was-set-in dress up on the bow, singing a pirate song.
Wait a minute.
"Torpid can't talk," Evan pointed out.
"Right," Forge said. "Jamie, come over here."
Jamie came running over. "Whatcha want, Mr. Forge?" he asked cheerfully. Forge handed him a microphone. "Say WHAT?!"
"I didn't say anything," Forge said.
"You just did," Jamie pointed out.
"Yeah, but – well, that's not the point!" Forge said. "Can you lip-synch?" he asked Torpid, who nodded. "Why'd you pick Torpid for this?" Forge asked The Authoress.
Well, we needed a little girl, and she followed Evan here.
Everyone turned and glared at Evan. "What?" Evan said. "Hey, I rejoined the X-Men!"
"Only after Callisto dumped you for Façade," Bobby said.
Hey, now, people, don't tease Evan just because his life is one giant shithole.
"Thank you," Evan said. "Wait…"
"A bit slow on the uptake, now, aren't we?" Jubilee said.
"Is it my fault I was made like a cheap imitation of Marrow??"
"…Yes."
"You guys just live to hate me, don't you?" Evan said.
"Oh, of course not!" Rogue said.
Evan smiled.
"It's their job," Kurt said, pointing at a group of girls holding skateboards. Well, he was either pointing at them or flipping them off. You can never tell with The Fuzzy Man.
"Who're they?" Evan asked.
"The F-S-P-Y-K-E," Ray said.
"You're not even in this parody," Forge said.
"We all felt like watching," Rob said.
"What's F-S-P-Y-K-E stand for?" Evan asked.
"The Fangirl Society Promoting the Youthful Killing of Evan," Sam said.
"F.SPYKE for short," Rahne added.
"Their leader is the Almighty YAO," Tabby said.
"And not the Yao I played in X Mulan," Bobby added. "YAO."
Ororo came out with a French Maid dress. "Evan, I think this should fit you now," she said.
"What's that for?!" Evan yelled.
"The scene when you and Scott dress up in dresses," Ororo said patiently. "Scott seems to like his."
Scott came walking out in a complete French Maid outfit, with black nylons and black buckle boots, holding a feather duster in one hand and a tray of shot glasses in the other. "Rum, anyone?"
"Oh, he was just born to be a cross-dressing French Maid with a pole up his/her ass," Ororo said with the air of a mom watching a 5 year-old turn cartwheels in the grass.
One of the F.SPYKEttes gasped dramatically. "It's the Almighty YAO! F.SPYKE!" she shouted. She dropped her skateboard, set her left foot on it, and held her right arm straight out with her left hand on the inside of her right elbow. She flipped her right forearm up, simultaneously flipping everyone off, then twisted her wrist with her hand in a sign language 'e'. However, while this took forever to describe it, it actually only took about 3 seconds to do.
"F.SPYKE!" the rest of the F.SPYKEttes shouted like they were in the military or something, and repeated the odd but original salute.
"F.SPYKE!"
You'll never guess who shouted that and repeated the salute, but sans-skateboard.
Well, actually, you probably already did a while ago.
"Auntie O?" Evan gasped disbelievingly.
"Yep," Bobby supplied for Ororo. "The Almightly YAO, aka Your Auntie O."
Evan looked completely crestfallen.
"Oh, get over it," Ororo said.
Yes, we really need to get on with the movie.
So, anyway, Torpid was chilling up on the bow of the Dauntless, lip-synching while Jamie provided the voice.
We pilage and plunder, we rifle and loot
Drink up me 'earties, yo ho
We kidnap and ravage and don't give a hoot
Drink up me 'earties, yo ho
Yo ho, yo ho, a pirates life for me
We extort, we pilfer, we filch and sack
Drink up –
A hand descended on Torpid's shoulder with the sort of speed that could give a little 8 year-old a heart attack. I actually have no clue how old Torpid is, but Elizabeth was 8, if I remember correctly.
Torpid gasped – well, actually, Jamie gasped while Torpid mouthed the gasp – and turned around to see Mr. Logan.
"Quiet, missy," he said, looking like it pained him greatly to say 'missy'. "Cursed pirates sail these waters. You don't want to bring them down on us now, do ya, bub?"
"Mr-Logan, that-will-do!" Lieutenant Pietro (yes I realize it should be Lieutenant Maximoff, but Lieutenant Pietro sounds better) said at super speed. Torpid took one look at him and screamed. Well, actually, she mouthed it while Jamie shrieked, but you get the idea.
One of Pietro's hands automatically jumped to his hair. "I-know, I-know," he said. "I-don't-like-being-a-brunette!"
Suck it up, you sissy. So anyway, Mr. Logan defended his reason for scaring the shit out of little Torpid.
"She was singing about pirates. It's bad luck to be singing about pirates," Mr. Logan said. "And it's bad luck to have a woman on board…even a miniature one."
"HEY!"
Logan spun back around. Torpid had been glaring at him a few seconds ago, but she was now (along with everyone else) staring at Jamie.
"Uh…" Jamie said.
Evan started cracking up. "Haha, you think you're a girl!" he said.
"At least I'm not dressed like a French Maid!" Jamie shouted back.
Evan looked down to discover that he was, in fact, dressed as a French Maid. "When did this happen?"
Ororo came bustling over with a thick black eyeliner pencil in hand. "Hold still," she instructed, and drew a big fake black mole under his eye. Evan jumped away as if she had poked him with a branding iron, swatting at his face. "Don't touch it!" Ororo yelled. "You'll mess it up!"
"What is this for?" Evan asked.
"To go with your outfit," Ororo said, stating the obvious.
"But Auntie O!"
The F.SPYKEtte who had first identified YAO lobbed a skateboard at his head. "You will refer to her as YAO," she snapped.
"But she's-"
Scott came walking up to them. "Ororo," he said. "I think I might really have a pole up my ass! I can actually feel it!"
"That's because you're wearing a G-string," Ororo reminded him.
Scott visibly relaxed. "Oh," He said, and brightened. "Hey, Evan!" he said. "You like my mole?" He pointed at the fake mole over his lip.
"Uh…"
"Evan! Be polite!" Ororo said. "It looks wonderful, Scott," she assured him.
"Thanks, Auntie O!" Scott said and skipped off to drink rum and be merry.
"Hey!" Evan said, after getting over the shock of hearing Scott call Ororo Auntie O, to the F.SPYKEtte who had hit him with a skateboard. "How come you didn't hit him with a skateboard?"
"We're F.SPYKEttes, not F.CYCLOPSicles," the F.SPYKEtte said. "But they'll probably be here soon.
"Auntie O," Evan whined, and was hit in the head with another skateboard thrown by the same F.SPYKEtte, except this time it knocked him to the ground.
"OW!" Evan quickly got up. "Who the hell do you think you are?" he said angrily.
"I am EMOO," the F.SPYK – um, EMOO – said proudly. And yes, MOO is pronounced like the moise cows make.
"You mean that gross noise when they chew their cud?" Bobby asked.
No, when they actually go 'moo'.
"Gosh, don't gotta be so sarcastic about it," Bobby said.
I WASN'T BEING SARCASTIC, YOU FROZEN LITTLE PRICK!
Bobby cowered.
Kurt popped up. Well, actually, he bamfed up. "Rule #1," he said solemnly. "Never upset The Authoress. Rule #2: The chicks dig The Fuzzy Dude!" And he bamfed away.
"……Riiiiiiight," Jubilee said.
So, back to EMOO. Spyke fought back a laugh – very badly, I might add. Naturally, another F.SPYKEtte noticed and lobbed yet another skateboard at his head. "No not insult EMOO!" she snapped. Unlike EMOO, who had a Bowflex body and would probably kick your ass if you sneezed the wrong way, this F.SPYKEtte looked like she was Jamie's height. She was also dressed like a schoolgirl, complete with pigtails, and had a mini tetherball on a chain.
"And who are you?" Evan asked. "LLAMA?"
"Actually, yes," LLAMA said.
"…Okay, then," Evan said. "So, what do these names stand for?"
"EMOO stands for Evil Minion Of Ororo," LLAMA said.
"And LLAMA stands for Little Lieutenant And Munroe's Assassin," EMOO said.
Evan burst out laughing. "Please! There's no way she's…" he stopped when he heard a snikt noise that didn't come from Logan. He turned to LLAMA.
LLAMA was spinning the volleyball, except it wasn't a volleyball anymore. It was a metal ball with a blade wrapped around the diameter, and looked a lot like a certain weapon used in a certain ridiculously gory movie directed by a certain director by the name of Quentin Certain Tarantino…just kidding about his middle name.
"Gogo Yubari is my hero," LLAMA said. And do not tell me you did not see that coming.
"Meep," Evan said, and took off running away as fast as he could in a French Maid dress. LLAMA twirled the mace, staring after Evan the way a mouse would stare at a piece of cheese. She glanced back at Ororo hopefully. "Oh, go on, have some fun," Ororo said. "But keep him alive, we need him later." LLAMA grinned and ran off. "And don't mess up the dress!" Ororo called after her.
"So, who are the F.CYCLOPSicles?" Bobby asked.
"Fangirls Cumulatively Yearning the Complete Lasting Obliteration of Pathetic Scott," EMOO said.
"Ohhhhh," everyone said, nodding as if it made perfect sense. I don't know, does it?
"And, of course," EMOO said. "Their leader is the Almighty – Oh my Rob!" she squealed. Yes, the F.SPYKEttes swear to the New Recruits – well, the boys of the New Recruits, plus Forge. "HULA, what are you doing here?"
"EMOO!" A girl with a lei around her neck, a surfboard tucked under her arm, and ruby quartz sunglasses on came running over and gave EMOO a big hug. "We were gonna go ask EE's Skysong if we could torture JOTT with our surfboards of DOOM, but the Almighty SODA decided to come over here instead." While they talked, all the F.SPYKEttes and F.CYCLOPSicles gretted each other, dropping their respective boards of DOOM. Obviously, there was no animosity between the two. They were, after all, dedicated to making two certain mutants' lives miserable.
"Yo, dudes!" SODA, or Alex, as we all know him, came walked up, pulling LLAMA along behind him. "I found LLAMA with a French Maid dress. Hey, YAO!"
"SODA!" And Ororo and Alex then did a very complicated secret handshake that took about 3 minutes to complete. I'd rather not describe, for fear of confusing and/or boring the hell out of you. "Wait," Ororo said. "If LLAMA's got the French Maid dress, then what's Evan wearing?"
There was then a very loud shriek that nearly deafened everyone as Evan walked out. Surprisingly, that shriek didn't come from Scott. No, it came from every female in the vicinity, with the exception of Ororo, who put her face in her hands, and Torpid, whom Jamie kindly shrieked for.
If you're wondering why, let me ask you this: if Evan came out in nothing but his boxers, what would you do? That's what I thought.
So all the girls (except Ororo and Torpid) shrieked until they just about killed their vocal cords and turned away and/or sank to the floor in a dead faint. Well, through the floor for Kitty. "Evan!" Ororo yelled. "Go get dressed!"
"Hey, it's not my fault LLAMA ripped the dress off me to try to kill me with her mace of DOOM!" Evan yelled back.
"RESPECT YOUR ELDERS!" Alex yelled at Evan even louder, and bitch-slapped him. Unfortunately for Evan, the slap was simultaneously accompanied by a blast from Alex's hand. Fortunately for everyone else, Evan was at the exact angle so that the blast and bitch-slap sent Evan flying into his trailer. Yes, he gets a trailer. It's one of the perks of being in my parodies.
Now, since I have effectively wasted a ton of chappie space, I will now actually get on with the movie.
Wait, just a minute.
"Jean! A little help here!" Forge yelled. What is with these people and yelling?
Jean was inspecting her nails. "Why?" she asked.
"Can you use your telekinesis to hold Kurt still so I can blast him with my De-Ager Ray?" Forge said.
"Actually, the correct word is would you," Jean said, then gasped as she saw a tiny chip in her nail that would normally only be seen under a microscope as 400x. "Is that a chipped nail?!"
Rogue walked up to her and zapped her. Everyone cheered. "Kurt, would ya please hold still and take this lahke a man?" she asked.
"But…this is Forge we're talking about. Last time I participated in one of his inventions, demon lizards came through!" Kurt protested.
"I mess up one school dance and you all hate me," Forge said.
"Ya know, Kurt, Kitty's watching," Rogue said.
"No, she's not," Kurt said. "She phased through the floor."
Suddenly, Kitty phased back up. "Is it, like, over?" she said. Then she noticed Forge and Kurt. "Oh, are you, like, going to de-age Kurt now?" she said. "I totally wanna watch!"
Rogue smirked at Kurt. "Told ya," she said. Kurt hung his head and accepted his fate like a Fuzzy Blue Elf Man.
One big flashy flash later, an 8 year-old Kurt was standing in front of them. "Oh, he's, like, so CUTE!" Kitty squealed.
"Too bad Torpid's in this scene," Forge said. "Unless you're willing to test out my new invention so Torpid can go home."
"Did you, like, just say test out your new invention?" Kitty asked.
"…Yeah…"
"Like, okay!" Kitty said cheerfully. To make a short story even shorter, Kitty got de-aged, Torpid went home, and the movie finally started…again. Except they skipped Lieutenant Pietro's little speech and went right to when Kurt floated by on a raft.
"Look! There's, like, a boy in the water!" Kitty shrieked, pointing.
"That looks more like a blue elf to me," Mr. Logan said.
Everyone ignored him. "Man-overboard!" Pietro yelled. "Man-the-ropes. Fetch-a-hook! Haul-him-aboard!" Most the Jamie Multiples hopped to it, mysteriously being able to understand Pietro's speed-talk. "He's-still-breathing," Pietro said.
"Vhy do you sound so disappointed?" Kurt asked. "Do you vant me dead?"
"You're supposed to be unconscious," Forge said.
"Fine, fine," Kurt muttered, and faked being unconscious again.
Then Mr. Logan saw the burning ship. Even though they all must've been pretty blind not to notice that. "Mary, Mother of God!"
"What happened here?" Beast said.
"It's-most-likely-the-powder-magazine," Pietro said. Everyone just stared at him quizzically, because roughly half of them couldn't translate his speed-talk into normal talk, and the other half who could could barely sing the Pirate Song, let alone know sea lingo. Pietro rambled on. "Merchant-vessels-run-heavily-armed."
Kitty opened her mouth, but Mr. Logan spoke first.
"A lot of good it did them," he said. "What? Everyone's thinking it, I'm just saying it."
"Actually," Kitty said. "I was, like, so gonna say that before you totally interrupted me."
"I think it vas pirates," Kurt piped up.
"Kurt, for the last time, you're supposed to be UNCONSCIOUS!" Forge yelled.
"You have a very short temper," Kurt said, but once again went back to feigning unconsciousness.
"I think it was probably an accident," Beast said.
Everyone stared at him in disbelief. "Oh yeah, so the ship, like, exploded all on its own?" Kitty said.
Pietro ignored them and started barking out orders. "Woof! Woof! (growl snarl) Woof!"
NOT LITERALLY, you skinny albino!
Pietro smirked, but started yelling in Human. "Rouse-the-Captain-immediately! Heave-to-and-take-in-sail! Launch-the-boats!"
"Heave to!" All the Jamie Multiples yelled.
Beast turned to Kitty. "Kitty," he said. "I want you to accompany the elf. He'll be in your charge."
"Aw, but I wanna, like, go stare at the burning ship!" Kitty whined.
"Thanks, Kitty," kurt said. "I feel so loved."
"Kurt…" Forge started.
"Shutting up," Kurt said, and flopped baack down unconscious…only to pop back up wide awake with a gasp when Kitty came over.
"It's, like, okay," Kitty said. "My name's Kitty Pryde (1)."
"K-K-Kurt Vagner," Kurt stuttered.
"I'm, like, watching over you, Kurt," Kitty said.
"This coming from a chick who vanted to stare at a burning ship instead of check on me," Kurt said.
"Kurt, two words," Kitty snapped. "Shut, like, up."
Kurt counted on his fingers. "That's three vords," he said. Kitty scowled at him. "Shutting up," he said, and fainted…again.
Then Kitty saw The Medallion (Dramatic music plays – henceforth known as DMP). "Ooh, shiny," she said, and took it. "Hm, skull and crossbones," she mused. "That's, like, gotta stand for something…"
Pietro came over. "Has-he-said-anything?" he asked.
"He said his name's, like, Kurt Wagner," she said. "And he had this, like, totally cool medallion (DMP)." She showed him it. "But, like, what does a skull and crossbones mean?"
Pietro stared at her. "I-can't-believe-I'm-supposed-to-be-in-love-with-you-later," he said.
"And I can't believe I'm supposed to approve of it," Beast said.
"Yeah, and the age difference in the movie is, like, totally icksome!" Kitty said.
"Take-Kurt-below," Pietro said, and left to do something unimportant. Beast left to get some rum from Scott. Two Jamie Multiples came over to pick Kurt up.
Kurt shot up. "Hands off The Fuzzy Dude!" he said. "I'll take myself below." And he bamfed away.
Kitty stared at The Medallion (DMP). "Skull and crossbones…what does that stand for?"
Kurt bamfed in, whispered something in her hear, and bamfed away. "Oh!" Kitty said. "Pirates!"
"By Celia Rees is an excellent book," Bobby said. "I recommend it." (2)
"You read a book about lady pirates?" Rob said.
"More importantly," Ray said. "You read a book?"
"Hey!" Bobby said. "Women can be pirates, too! And I read it in the spirit of PotC."
"And then he read Witch Chahld and Sorceress," Sam added.
"They were good books!" Bobby said.
"Ya actually believed that it happened!" Sam shot back.
Bobby's lower lip started trembling.
"Oh, don' tell me yah're still sad about that," Sam said.
"About what?" Jamie asked.
Bobby's lip continued trembling.
"It didn' even really happen," Sam said.
"What didn't really happen?" Jamie asked.
"They're not rail," Sam said.
"Who aren't real?" Jamie asked.
Rob and Ray started backing away slowly. "I'll go get Jubilee," they said in unison, then glared at each other.
"It only takes one person to get Jubilee," Sam said.
"What's going on???" Jamie asked.
Rob and Ray glared at each other some more, then Rob shoved Ray over and ran for it.
"No one ever tells me anything!" Jamie complained, and left in a huff.
"Here we go," Sam muttered.
"Why me?" Ray said.
And then the waterworks began. Bobby latched onto Ray's shirt and sobbed – no, bawled. "Why did Jaybird have to die?" he wailed through Ray's shirt. "They were in love!"
"Who the hell is Jaybird?" Ray mouthed to Sam.
"And Speckled Bird! She was so young!" Bobby continued.
"Um…" Ray said. "Help me!" he mouthed frantically to Sam.
"And then she went and got herself kidnapped," Bobby wailed/babbled.
"Bobby, this didn' actually happen," Sam said.
"And she got drunk," Bobby babbled on, ignoring Sam.
"This is just pathetic," Ray said, trying and failing to free himself from Bobby's grip.
"And then she went and…" Bobby paused to sniff. "…slept with some French guy!" he wailed in a very high-pitched voice.
"Hey!" Remy yelled. "Remy finds that very insultin'."
"France French, not Cajun French," Sam said.
"Oh," Remy said. "Dat's all right, den."
Rob came running back with Jubilee, who smacked Bobby upside the head. "Get over it!" she said. "It didn't really happen."
Bobby stopped crying immediately. "It didn't?"
"Nope," Jubilee said.
"Oh, okay, then," Bobby said, cheering up immediately. Jubilee patted him on the head and left to find Tabby.
"Why is it that ya will listen to Jubilee but not me?" Sam said.
"Two words, man," Ray said, pulling his soaking wet shirt off – well, both of his soaking wet shirts off. "Sex appeal."
Rahne happened to be walking by at that moment. "Are you trying to tell me that my man's not sexy?"
"Um, no, I mean, well…yeah, Sam's sexy…in a…farmboy…way," Ray stuttered.
"I knew it!" Bobby said. "You are gay!"
"I'm not the one who sobbed over a book," Ray said.
"I'm not the one who looks like he pissed in his pants," Bobby pointed out.
"You're the one who did that!" Ray said.
"Prove it," Bobby said.
Just then, Tabby and Amara walked by. "Someone had a little accident," Tabby said, and she and Amara giggled as they walked away.
"You are one dead frozen Popsicle!" Ray yelled as he pulled off his pants.
"Actually, Popsicles are frozen to begin with, so it's pointless to say that they are," Bobby said.
!WARNING! THE FOLLOWING FEW LINES OR SO FEATURES US ALL SERIOUSLY QUESTIONING RAY'S SEXUALITY. IF I HAVE OFFENDED ANYONE IN ANY WAY, I AM SORRY. THIS IS ALL A BIG STUPID JOKE, OKEE?
Ray screamed and ran after Bobby. However, there isn't much space to run around on a ship, so Bobby soon found himself cornered at the bow. "Should've seen that coming," he muttered to himself. Yes, Bobby, you really should have. Ray tackled him, and they rolled around on the floor until Ray ended up on top with bobby in a very…compromising…position. Of course, right at that moment, Jubilee came back with Tabby and Amara.
"Ray, I can understand how badly you want to get in my boyfriend's pants," Jubilee said. "But could you at least get a room?"
"Are you saying you would let him rape me if he wanted?" Bobby demanded to Jubilee. She opened her mouth to answer, but Ray interrupted – well, more like shrieked.
"I AM NOT GAY!"
"Oh, of course you're not," Tabby said.
"Thank you," Ray said.
"I was thinking more along the lines of bisexual," Tabby said.
"I AM NOT BISEXUAL!"
"Sure you aren't," Rahne said.
Kitty then took that moment to notice Ray. Unsurprisingly, she shrieked. "He's, like, only in his underwear!" she screamed.
"Uh-oh," Sam said, quickly shielding Kitty's eyes – about 2 minutes too late.
"You're making a little girl cry!" Rob yelled at Ray. "Put some clothes one!" He threw Ray's (mysteriously) dry clothes at him. Unfortunately (for Ray), Rob had used his solar energy behind the throw. Unsurprisingly, Ray toppled over the edge of the boat and landed in the water with a splash.
"Hey!" Ray yelled. "Help me up!"
Everyone ignored him.
"I'm serious!" Ray yelled. "This water is freezing!"
Everyone wandered down to the stern, deaf to Ray's pleas. Sam pulled a fishing pole out of nowhere and started fishing.
That is, until he pulled up a pair of boxers. "Aw, man, Ah got a pair o' boxahs," he said.
"Wait a minute," Bobby said. "Those are Ray's boxers!"
Don't tell me you didn't see that coming. And cue cumulative shudder.
Ray swam over to their end of the ship. "Can someone please help me up?" he yelled.
"…Nah," Rob said.
"Well, can you at least throw me my boxers?" Ray asked.
Bobby had an evil grin on his face. "Sure," he said. "Just a sec."
Five seconds later, something clunked Ray on the head, knocking him underwater. When he resurfaced, he saw that they were his boxers – encased in a giant ice cube. "Thanks a lot, guys," he said sarcastically.
"No problem," Bobby called back cheerfully.
Ray rolled his eyes, then noticed an ominous black ship. "Hey!" he said. "Is it just me, or is there an ominous black ship headed our way?"
Rob squinted into the fog. "I think that ice cube might've hit your head a little too hard."
"No, I, like, see it," Kitty said. "No, wait maybe I, like, don't." She closed her eyes…
And whens he opened them, she was however many years older and lying on her side in a bed, thanks to a little zap from Forge's invention thingie and some Divine Intervention. "Like, talk about a freaky dream," she said.
She got up and walked over to a drawer, opened up the Secret Compartment, and pulled out…The Medallion.
(Clocks by Coldplay plays)
Wrong music.
(DMP)
Okay, but the moment's over now.
"Is it my fault you don't label any of your CDs?" Jamie demanded from where he and his multiples were searching through stacks of unlabeled CDs. (3)
If it bugs you so much, you can go label them for me! So anyway, Kitty put on The Medallion (DMP) and stared at it in the mirror.
Then Beast went and knocked on the door. "Kitty?"
Kitty ran around her bed, knocking over a lamp (having forgotten that she can phase through things). "Are you alright? Are you decent?" Beast called.
Kitty threw on a robe. Now, where The Medallion (DMP)? Of course, in her cleavage! She stuffed The Medallion (DMP) in there. "Yes!" she called to Beast. Yeah, I know Elizabeth says "Yes" twice in the movie, but is it just me, or does that sound straight out of an Herbal Essence commercial?
Beast came in. "Still abed at this hour?" he said, opening the curtains. "It's a beautiful day. I have a gift for you," he added, showing her a dress.
"Oh, it's, like, beautiful," Kitty squealed.
"Isn't it?" Beast said.
"So, like, what's the occasion?" Kitty asked.
"Does a father need an occasion to dote upon his daughter? Go on," Beast said, and a maid that looked a hell of a lot like Amara helped Kitty into the dress. "Actually," Beast said. "I had hoped you might wear it for the ceremony today."
"What ceremony?" kitty asked.
"Captain Pietro's promotion ceremony."
Kitty poked her head out from behind the screen. "I, like, knew it!"
"Commodore Pietro, as he's about to become," Beast said as Amara started lacing Kitty up in a corset. "A fine gentleman, don't you think? He fancies you, you know," he added. "Kitty? How's it coming?"
"It's, like, difficult to say," Kitty said as Amara tightened the laces.
"I'm told it's the latest fashion in London," Beast said.
"Well, women in London must've, like, learned not to breathe," Kitty gasped out as Amara tightened the laces even more.
A servant who looked a hell of a lot like Rob came walking in. "Milord," he said. "You have a visitor."
In the Entrance Hall (or WHATEVER you call it), Kurt was standing around nervously, scratching the back of one ankle with his other foot. He looked at a sconce, touched it, and a piece immediately broke off into his hand. Idiot. So he stuck it in a vase holding canes and umbrellas. Oh yeah, that's slick.
Beast came walking down the stairs. "Ah, Mr. Wagner," he said. "Good to see you again."
"Guten Tag, sir," Kurt said. "I have your order." He opened his case and took out the sword.
"Ooh," Beast said as he unsheathed the sword. "Shiny."
Kurt looked at him strangely, but continued. "The blade is folded steel. That's gold filigree laid into the handle. If I may." He took the sword and balanced it on one finger. "Perfectly balanced," he said, stating the obvious. "The tang is nearly the full width of the blade." Whatever that means. He flipped the sword perfectly and presented it to Beast. "In your face, pretty boy!" (4)
Beast took the sword. "Shiny," he said. "Very shiny. Commodore Pietro is going to be very pleased with this. Do pass my compliments on to your master."
Kurt looked disappointed. "I vill," he said. "A craftsman is always pleased to hear his vork is appreciated."
Rob popped back in. "Is it just me," he said. "Or was Kurt trying to make a subtle hint there?"
Beast thought for a moment. "…Nope," he said. "I didn't catch anything."
"Oh, okay," Rob said. "I thought it was just me." And he popped back out to do unimportant servant things (which probably involved him, Amara, and an over-sized pantry).
Kitty came walking down the stairs. "Oh, Kitty," Beast said. "You look absolutely stunning."
"Like, stop fishing for compliments," Kitty said to Beast. "Kurt! It's so good to, like, see you! I, like, had a dream about you last night."
"About me?" Kurt asked.
"Yes, well, is that entirely proper for you to-" Beast began, but Kitty cut him off.
"Yeah!" Kitty said. "You were wearing baby-blue footie pajamas with, like, little yellow ducks on them, and you wouldn't stop eating cucumbers."
"And Scott was in his French Maid outfit," Krut said.
"And he did a pole dance," Kitty continued.
"And then he stuck the pole up his ass!" they finished together.
Okee. 1: Wrong dream. 2: That's just sick and wrong.
"Sorry," Kurt and Kitty said.
It's okay. Just talk about the right one this time, and never speak of that one again. Ever. That's mind-scarring.
"Okay, so I, like, had a dream about the day we met," Kitty said. "Remember that?"
"How could I forget?" Kurt said. "Ray got hypothermia, and no one wanted to nurse him back to health."
Kitty nodded solemnly. "Poor guy," she said.
"Not really," they added in unison.
"Thanks, I feel so loved," Ray said backstage.
"You're, like, welcome," Kitty said.
"Vhat Miss Pryde said," Kurt said.
"Kurt, how many times do I have to, like, ask you to call me Kitty?" Kitty said.
"At least one more time, Miss Pryde," Kurt said. "As always."
"There," Beast said happily. "At least the elf has a sense of propriety. Now, we really must be going." He handed Kitty a parasol.
"Like, good day, Mr. Wagner," Kitty said.
"Come on," Beast said, leading her out the door.
Kurt trailed after them. "Guten Tag," he said. Kitty and Beast climbed in the carriage and rode away. "…Kitty," Kurt finished wistfully.
What a loser.
(1) – Yeah, yeah, I know it should be Kitty McCoy, but that's just kinda…ick.
(2) – Pirates! by Celia Rees. Yes, with the exclamation mark. About lady pirates. Excellent book, I recommend it to you people out there. I also recommend Witch Child and Sorceress, written by the same author. Witch Child takes place in the colonial times, you know, with the Pilgrims and all. Sorceress is the sequel and takes place more around Native Americans. And yes, all the things that Bobby was babbling about do actually happen in Sorceress. So sad…
(3) – Sad but true fact about me, every CD that I've ever burned is unlabeled. How do I keep track of what's what? Very carefully.
(4) – In PotC, the actor playing Will Turner (yes, I know his name, but I can't put it here) did the flip thingie with the sword about 16 times on camera before he got it perfect. Kurt, however, rocks out loud with a sword, even though he's short two fingers.
Who wants to know the translations for all those acronyms? Even though I put in most of them already. Oh well, here they are:
F.SPYKE – Fangirl Society Promoting the Youthful Killing of Evan.
YAO – Your Auntie O
EMOO – Evil Minion Of Ororo
LLAMA – Little Lieutenant And Munroe's Assassin
F.CYCLOPS – Fangirls Cumulatively Yearning the Complete Lasting Obliteration of Pathetic Scott
SODA – Surfing Omniscient Dude Alex
HULA – Havok's Ultimate Little Assistant
DOOM (yes, it is an acronym for me) – Destruction Or Obvious Mutilation
I got the EMOO/LLAMA idea from "Dude, Where's My Car?" starring Alton Ketchup and Shane Bill Scotch (please tell me you know their real names). In this one scene, Jesse (Mr. Ketchup) and Chester (Mr. Scotch) are being chased by emus – or it might be ostriches, but emoo is an easier acronym to make up – and Jesse's all like, "Oh no! Llamas!" (or something that) and Chester's all, "No, they're emus! I saw it on Animal Planet!" (or ostriches something like that)
I got the idea for F.SPYKE and F.CYCLOPS when I watched the movie "Dodgeball" starring actors whose names I can't remember right now. Cuz to make the tournament, they have to win in their region, and the Average Joes (the name of the team) take on Girl Scouts – and lose miserably. And it's F.SPYKE and F.CYCLOPS cuz Fangirls starts with an F, and what else does? Tee-hee. So the F.SPYKEttes and F.CYCLOPSicles are weird, mutated, twisted versions of Girl Scouts. Sort of.
Whew, that was a long chappie! Went WAY off course, too. But you see, about 95 percentof this was written while waiting for the bus/on the bus/on the ferry, and at first, I didn't have a copy of the script with me. Then I got smart, found one on the Internet, and copied, pasted, and printed the scenes I needed. So anyway, I will most likely never write a chappie this long again. Probably. UP NEXT: Remy making a sinking ship look cool, Remy demonstrating the art of thievery, Remy confusing the shells (just remove the s's…) out of Sam and Bobby, Pietro being tongue-tied around a girl (GASP!), Kitty falling off a battlement, Remy rescuing Kitty, Remy getting arrested, Remy escaping, and that should be plenty for the next chappie. I don't know when I'll be able to update, but like I said before, by February, my schedule SHOULD loosen up. Until next time: please review!
