..:: Remy Makes People Look Stupid ::..

Yay, reviews! Thank you to pyschobunny410, fudje, DragonMaster02, EE's Skysong, and heartsyhawk for reviewing! Psychobunny410, thanks for clearing up the emu/ostrich thing. Never could remember.Hey, fudje, did you mean that the ficcie sucks? EE's Skysong, hm…as for the screen name thingie, it's up to you. Cuz I wrote that bit a while back, before I suggested General Pengy and the rotting fish for The XBand, The Trilogy That Wouldn't Die! But, if you feel like bringing in crazed, twisted, lei-bearing fangirls with surfboards of DOOM, go ahead. LoLz. And heartsyhawk, of course I'm gonna do an X Mulan 2! Just not until after MotC, cuz…yeah. But I will be doing it. Yup.

DISCLAIMER: Is JOTT dead yet?


The theme song for PotC started playing, and Remy stood on the mast of a sailing ship, looking pretty damn impressive and sexy (even thought I still don't get how Jack pulled that off in PotC, considering he was pigtails and beads in his hair, but WHATEVER, everyone loves Johnny Depp). Then he looked down and noticed that there was a leak in his ship. So he jumped down and started bailing out water with a conveniently located bucket. Not too impressive.

That is, until he spied the three hanged skeletons hanging from a rock. Now, Remy wasn't wearing a three-corner hat (or WHATEVER it's called), so of course he couldn't sweep one off and put it over his heart. He could, however, notice the little stamps on each of the skulls.

"'ey!" Remy said. "Dey're plastic! It says, 'Made In China'!"

Well, you're a smart one.

So, anyway, Remy then noticed the sign hanging next to the plastic pirate skeletons. "Pirates Ye Be Warned," he read out loud (even though he's not supposed to). "D'accord."

Then Pyro jumped out from behind the rock with his trusty lighter in hand and set the plastic pirate skeletons aflame, cackling madly the whole time. "Burn, fake pirates, burn!!!" he yelled.

"Uh, homme," Remy said, pointing at the rock next to the hanged, burning, plastic pirate skeletons. Pyro looked over to where Remy was pointing and squeaked.

Four nooses hung from the rock, and in three of them were lighters, each crushed in the middle. From the fourth noose hung a sign bearing the writing "Pyromaniacs Ye Be Warned".

Pyro clutched his lighter to his chest dramatically. "You savages," he spat. "You'll never take her alive! Never!!!!" And he ran off screaming like a bansheefied insomniac.

"…Riiiiiight," Forge said backstage.

So, then, Remy's ship started pulling up to the dock, Remy standing on the mast again. The ship sank more…and more…and more…

Perfect timing. It sank to the exact spot where Remy could step right off the mast and onto the dock. Talk about convenient, no?

So then Remy started walking down the dock like he owned the place, until Ray the Harbormaster, with his trusty canine sidekick, Rahne, (yes, I know that there's supposed to be a little black boy with three gold teeth, but work with me here, I've got something planned) went and ruined the moment. "Hey!" he yelled. "Hold up there, you. It's a shilling to tie your boat up at the dock." They both glanced down at the sunken boat. "And I need your name." He opened his dorky little record book.

Remy stuck three coins on the record book. "What d'y' say to t'ree shillin's," he said. "Et we forget de name."

Ray closed the book on the shillings. "Welcome to Port Royal, Mr. Smith," he said.

Tabitha's dad popped up from out of nowhere. "Did someone call me?" he asked.

GET OUT!

"Going," Mr. Smith said, and disappeared.

So, anyway, Ray and his trusty canine sidekick, Rahne, walked away, and Remy just happened to notice Ray's money pouch sitting on the little podium. Of course, being the klepto that he is, he couldn't resist the urge to pick the pouch up, jingle it a little, and saunter off with it. He had, after all, given three whole shillings to Ray. Ray, being an idiot, didn't even notice.

"Aw, come on!" Scott said. "Ray's an idiot! Even I could steal that!"

"Why don' y' put y' fingers where y' mout' is?" Remy suggested, putting the money pouch back on the podium.

"I will," Scott said.

A Few Seconds Later…

"Welcome to Port Royal, Mr. Summers," Ray said. "I mean, Mr. Smith." And he and Rahne walked away.

Scott walked over to the podium, picked up the money pouch, and stuck it into his pocket. "Cake," he said, and walked away.

Ray spun around and pointed a very out-of-time-period gun at him. "Freeze, bitch!" he yelled. Rahne growled at Scott, fangs bared.

Scott threw his hands up in the air and dropped the pouch. Offstage, Remy smirked. "Remy told y' so," he said.

"Shut up, man," Scott said. He then turned tail and ran. Unfortunately (for Scott), humans, as we all know, cannot outrun most animals. Unsurprisingly, Rahne caught up to him easily…and took the opportunity to rip a hole in the seat of his pants, giving everyone a nice view of Scott's pink boxers with red hearts on them. Even though no one really wants a view of those, but it's nice blackmail.

So, once again, nearly all of the female population shrieked because, who REALLY wants to see ANY guy in pink boxers with red hearts? Except it being Scott just makes things a helluva lot worse. Then Remy took over again, Ray and Rahne left, and the scene skipped over to Pietro's promotion ceremony.

At Pietro's Promotion Ceremony…

A bunch of soldiers – er, Jamie Multiples in blue jackets and white ice-cream scoop wigs – stood at attention while more Jamie Multiples in red jackets and white ice-cream scoop wigs walked between them. Most of them had rifles, but a few were playing snares (that's a drum, in casesome of you don't know). Some invisible person was playing a really dorky tune on a flute, but said person was, obviously, nowhere to be seen. Meanwhile, Kitty stood around with the other rich people, fanning herself and looking bored out of her mind. Who can blame her? I sure would've been.

So then, some dude shouted out military orders, and the Jamie Multiples in red jackets and white ice-cream scoop wigs formed two separate lines, holding their rifles stiffly in front of them. And out came Pietro in all his white hair, three-corner hat, navy blue jacket with WAY too many buckles on them glory. He walked between the two lines of Multiples in red jackets and white ice-cream scoop wigs and up to where Beast was standing. Beast handed him the sword and Pietro unsheathed it, tossed it to his other arm, flipped it behind his back to his other arm yet again, then did some not-so-fanciful tricks with them.

Kitty rolled her eyes and focused on trying to breathe with crushed lungs.

Down By The Docks…

Remy was shopping for ships. Of course, he couldn't help but notice the ship chilling all by its lonesome out on the dock. So he sauntered his way down the dock and over to the ship, probably intending to commandeer it and sail his merry Cajun way out of the harbor.

He would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those meddling kids, and their dumb dog! (1)

"Hey!" Rahne dog-barked from where Sam was petting her on the head. While she was in DOG form, otherwise that'd just be kinda…weird…

The point is, Rahne isn't even supposed to be over here!

"Thanks, I feel so loved," Rahne growled as she changed back into her human form and stalked offstage.

Would it make you feel better if I considered writing a parody centered around RAHM? (2)

"Maybe," Rahne said.

The things I do to make you people happy. So anyway, Sam and Bobby jumped up from where they were and ran over to stand stiffly in front of Remy. You'll notice they're just about the only soldiers with their regular color hair.

"This dock is off limits to civilians," Bobby said.

"Remy terribly sorry, Remy didn' know," Remy said. "If Remy see one, Remy shall inform y' immediately." I love that line! But anyway, Remy sauntered on past them…only to have them run and stand stiffly in front of him again. Remy looked at them oddly. "Dere's some sort o' high-toned et fancy t'-do up a' de fort," he said. "'ow could it be dat deux upstandin' gentlemen such as y'selves didn' merit an invitation?"

Sam looked confused, although whether it was from Remy's accent or his vocabulary we might never know. Either way, Bobby spoke for both of them. "Someone has to make sure this dock stays off limits," he said. "And we didn't really wanna watch Pietro get promoted."

Back At Pietro's Promotion Ceremony…

Pietro paused in showing off his Mad Sword Skills to yell at Bobby and Sam. "You're-just-jealous-cuz-I've-got-Mad-Sword-Skills!" he yelled.

Back At The Docks…

"A fine goal, to be sure," Remy said, all of them ignoring Pietro's comment. "Mais it seems to moi dat a ship comme dat-" He scooted over a little to point at said ship, and Sam and Bobby both shifted over to stand right in front of him. "-Makes dis one ici a bit superfluous, really."

"The Dauntless is the power in these waters, for sure," Bobby said. "But there's not ship that can match the Interceptor for speed."

"Remy heard o' one," Remy said. "C'est supposed to be très vite, nigh uncatchable. The Black Pearl."

Sam laughed. "Well, there's no rayl ship that can mahtch the Interceptor," he said.

"The Black Pearl is a real ship," Bobby said.

"No, it's not," Sam said.

"Yes, it is," Bobby insisted. "I've seen it."

"Yah've seen it?" Sam said.

"Yeah," Bobby said.

"No, yah haven't," Sam said.

"Yes, I have," Bobby said.

"Yah've seen a ship that's crewed by the dahmned and captained by a mahn so evil that Hell itself spaht him back out?" Sam said.

"No," Bobby said.

"No," Sam repeated…rather pointlessly.

"But I have seen a ship with black sails," Bobby said.

"So no ship that's not crewed by the dahmned and captained by a mahn so evil that Hell spat him out-" Here Remy became incredibly bored, and so slipped off to the Interceptor. "-Could possible have blahck sayls, an' couldn' possibly be any other ship thahn the Black Pearl. Is thaht what yah're sayin'?"

Bobby nodded. "No."

"Lahke Ah said, there's no rayl ship that can match the Interceptor," Sam said as they both turned back to Remy. Only Remy wasn't there anymore. They both turned to see Remy on board the Interceptor.

"Hey!" Bobby yelled as he and Sam ran onto the ship. "Get away from there!" He pointed his rifle at Remy.

Sam pointed his rifle at Remy, too. "Yah don' have permission tah be aboard there, mate," he said, and flinched. Sam just wasn't made to say "mate".

"Remy sorry," Remy said. "C'est juste, c'est such a pretty boat. Ship," he corrected himself quickly.

"What's your name?" Bobby asked.

"Smit'," Remy said. "Ou Smit'y, if y' like."

"What's yahr purpose here in Port Royahl, Mr. Smith?" Sam asked.

"Yeah, and no lies!" Bobby added.

"Alors, Remy confess," Remy said. "C'est my intention t' commandeer one o' dese ships, pick up a crew in Tortuga, raid, pillage, plunder, et ot'erwise pilfer mes weaselly black guts ou'."

"I said no lies," Bobby said.

"Ah think he's tellin' the truth," Sam said to Bobby.

"If he were telling the truth, he wouldn't have told us," Bobby said.

"Unless, o' course, y' wouldn' believe de trut' even if he told y'," Remy pointed out.

Bobby nodded, then looked confused. Poor guy, must be too much for his tiny brain to handle. Especially with the Celia Rees incident…

Bobby dropped his rifle and clapped his hands over his ears. "I can't hear you! La la la la la!"

JAYBIRD!

Bobby ran away offstage, sat down, hugged his knees to his chest, and rocked back and forth while sucking his thumb. Sam sighed resignedly and left to find Jubilee.

Back At Pietro's Promotion Ceremony…

More Jamie Multiples in ice-cream scoop wigs played really slow, boring orchestral music while people milled around and talked. Kitty fanned herself, trying vainly to breathe…and then Pietro found her. "May-I-have-a-moment?" he asked.

They walked out right to the edge of the battlement (idiots). 'You-look-lovely, Kitty," Pietro said. Kitty flashed him a fake smile, then went back to trying to breathe.

Pietro turned away from her and started talking all tongue-tied. We must all realize this will never happen in real life, not unless the world decided to stand on its figuratively speaking head. Or unless a fanficcie writer got bored and decided to punish Pietro. "I-apologize-if-I-seem-forward," Pietro said. "But-I-must-speak-my-mind. This-promotion-throws-into-sharp-relief-that-which-I-have-not-yet-achieved." Whatever that means. Pietro turned back to Kitty. "A-marriage-to-a-fine-woman. You-have-become-a-fine-woman, Kitty."

Kitty gasped for air as she fanned herself even more desperately. "I, like, can't breathe," she said.

Pietro turned away again. "Yes, I'm-a-bit-nervous-myself," he said. No, Pietro, don't flatter yourself, that's not what she meant. And then Kitty fainted and fell off the battlement. And Pietro didn't even notice. What a loser.

Meanwhile, Aboard The Interceptor

It was Storytime! So Bobby (having recovered very quickly from his, ahem, breakdown) and Sam were sitting like good little kiddums, listening to Remy tell a story.

"Et den dey made moi deir chief," Remy finished.

Et den Kitty landed in de water wit' a splash.

Sorry, couldn't resist.

Remy, Bobby, and Sam all turned at the EXACT SAME TIME to see what had caused such a splash.

Up On The Battlement…

Pietro turned around to see that no one was there. "Kitty?" he said. Then he looked down and saw the splash that had formed in the water below. "Kitty!" he yelled all hero-dramatically. He started taking off his jacket, intending to dive in after her.

Toad (and some Unimportant Soldier Dudes – yes, I have Unimportant Soldier Dudes AND Jamie Multiples!) came running up to him. Toad stopped him from diving. "The rocks, yo!" he said. "It's a miracle she missed them."

Meanwhile, Wow I'm Using That Word A Lot…

So Kitty was sinking to the bottom of the sea…which really wasn't that far.

Up on the Interceptor, Remy, Sam, and Bobby were contemplating what to do. "Will y' be savin' her?" he asked Sam.

"Ah cahn' swim," Sam said.

"Oui, tu peux," Remy said.

"Yeah, but it's important to the plot that Ah cahn't," Sam pointed out.

Remy rolled his eyes. "Pride o' de King's Navy, y' are," he said. He pulled off his hat, sword, jacket, and pistol, and shoved them unceremoniously at Sam and Bobby. "Don' lose dese," he said, and without further ado dove expertly into the water.

Underwater, The Medallion (DMP) called to The Cursed Pirates, sending a very obvious ripple out through the water. Obviously, Sam and Bobby noticed. "What was that?" Bobby said. Sam shrugged. Then the wind started blowing so hard that it almost blew Sam's hat away. Not that it would be a real crime if it did, cuz those hats are HIDEOUS!

But anyway, out on Plastic Pirate Rock (yes, it has a name now), the skeletons started blowing in the wind. The lighters out on Little Lighter Boulder, however, didn't. Why? Because this was The Medallion (DMP) calling out to The Cursed Pirates, not The Matchbox ("Unwell" by Matchbox Twenty Plays – get it?) calling out to The Insane Pyromaniacs.

So, anyway, Kitty sank to the bottom of the sea, and then it was Remy to the Rescue! He pulled her up to the surface, tried to swim to shore with her, failed, gave up, pulled the expensive-but-heavy dress off, them swam back to the docks with her.

At the dock, Bobby and Sam ran over to help Remy get Kitty up. Of course, she was still unconscious. And also not breathing. "She's not breathing!" Bobby said. We know.

"Move," Remy said, shoving Bobby and Sam aside, grabbing a knife, and cutting open the corset. As soon as he ripped it off her and shoved it at Bobby, Kitty immediately started breathing and coughing up water.

"Ah nevah would'a thought o' thaht," Sam said.

"Clearly, y've neve' been to Singapore," Remy said. Then he noticed The Medallion (DMP). "Where did y' get dat?" he asked Kitty.

Then Pietro, Toad, some Jamie Multiples, and some Unimportant Soldier Dudes came running over. Bobby and Sam scrambled to their feet. Pietro pointed his sword straight at Remy. "On-you-feet," he ordered. How rude.

Beast came running over. "Kitty!" he exclaimed. "Are you alright?"

"I'm, like, fine," Kitty said as Beast wrapped her in a jacket. Beast glared a Bobby, who was still holding up the corset. Bobby quickly put it down, gesturing at Remy. Beast then glared at Remy. "Shoot him," he said.

"Dad!" Kitty whined.

"What?" Beast said.

"Pietro," Kitty said. "Are you, like, really gonna kill my rescuer?"

Pietro sheathed his sword (rather disappointedly, I might add) and held his hand out to Remy. "I-believe-some-thanks-are-in-order," he said.

Remy glanced at his hand, uncertainly, then shook it. Pietro, however, grabbed his hand and pulled up his sleeve to reveal…

Nothing.

"Well, we-all-know-he's-a-pirate," Pietro said. He then proceeded inspecting Remy's stuff. Jeez. Rude AND no respect of privacy. What is wrong with this guy? "No-additional-shot-nor-power," he said as he picked up the pistol. "A-compass-that-doesn't-point-North," he said continued, and unsheathed Remy's sword about two inches. "And-I-half-expected-it-to-be-made-of-wood. You-are-without-doubt-the-worst-pirate-I've-ever-heard-of." Remember that quote, it's important to the plot later!

Well, not really, but it's important to something Toad says later. Not this chappie. Another chappie.Hehehe…Gillette…were the writers on crack when they made up that name?

"Mais y' 'ave 'eard o' moi," Remy pointed out.

And Remy wins another word joust! Remy – 3, Everyone Else – 0!

So Pietro got mad and decided to arrest him, or, as they would say back then, "clap 'im in irons".

Kitty went running after Pietro, intent on making his life miserable. "Pietro, that's, like, so not cool! Pirate…or Cajun…or, like, whatever he is, he, like, saved my life."

"One-good-deed-is-not-enough-to-redeem-a-man-of-a-life-time-of-wickedness," Pietro said.

"Dough it seems enough t' condemn 'im," Remy said. Remy – 4!

So, after Toad finally finished "clapping 'im in irons", Remy threw his chains around Kitty's neck, using her as a hostage…thing.

"No! Don't shoot!" Beast yelled. No frickin' duh.

"Commodore Pietro, mes effects, s'il vous plait," Remy said.

Pietro looked really P.O.'d, but went to get Remy's effects nonetheless.

"C'est Kitty, isn't it?" Remy asked Kitty.

"It's, like, Miss Pryde," Kitty snapped.

"Alors, Miss Pryde, if y'll be so kind," Remy said. "Come, come, chérie, we don' 'ave all day." Kitty grudgingly took Remy's effects from Pietro. "Maintenant, if y'll be trés kind," Remy said, and Kitty – very P.O.'dly, I might add – put all of his effects on him, while Remy smirked over her shoulder at Pietro.

"You're, like, despicable," Kitty said.

"Sticks et stones, amour," Remy said. "I saved ta vie, y' save mine. We're square." He whirled her around so that she was facing Pietro, Beast, the Jamie Multiples, and the Unimportant Soldier Dudes. "Gentlemen, milady," he added to Kitty. "Y' will always remember dis day as de day y' almost caught Captain Remy LeBeau." And he released Kitty and shoved her at Pietro and Beast, then ran for it, jumping on some lever so that a cannon crashed through the dock, and a few Unimportant Soldier Dudes fell in (you'll notice now why I still have the Unimportant Soldier Dudes – cuz they do the less amiable tasks).

"Now, will you shoot him?" Beast said, and lo and behold, they actually started shooting. They all had pretty bad aim, considering none of them hit Remy, although Remy had a blast flying around on the swinging…lever…thing.

He jumped off the lever onto a wooden pulley, threw his chains around a rope, and slid down it. That looks like fun. I don't wanna try it. So he ran down the dock, while the Jamie Multiples ran after him, shooting and missing…badly.

Pietro stood on the dock, looking pretty P.O.'d, cuz Remy had shown him up…again. "Gillette-"

"It's Toad, yo!" Toad snapped.

"Toad, Mr. LeBeau-has-a-dawn-appointment-with-the-gallows. I'd-hate-for-him-to-miss-it."

"Aye aye, Captain," Toad said, and ran – well, hopped – off with the rest of the Jamie Multiples.

"It's-Commodore!" Pietro yelled after Toad. "And-don't-you-forget-it, Venus-boy!"

"I'm not the one who uses Venus, yo!" Toad called back with a snicker.

Lance popped up for his ten seconds of torture. "How did you know?" he asked.

"Uh…" And Toad and Pietro backed away from Lance slowly…then ran for it.

"Seriously," Lance said to himself. "How did they know?" And he walked off, still pondering that, completely unaware of the little joke The Authoress had been running about Lieutenant Gillette.

Duh, cuz he's not in this parody. So Lance went poof.

And the Jamie Multiples ran by a statue of a blacksmith holding a sword…something isn't right about that…but they sure as hell didn't notice…

And cut.


(1) – Famous Scooby-Doo line. The villain always says that when he/she/it gets caught at the end. I think. I don't watch Scooby-Doo, but my mom's ex loves it. I was FORCED to watch one of the cartoon movies! BLEH!

(2) – That idea actually popped into my head when I was falling asleep in a car. Being an idiot, I had left my little notebook behind, and then this idea popped into my head: Redneck Shrek. If you want me to feed that little plotbunny, let me know.

Yeppers, the end of the chappie! For now. Up next: Remy hides in a blacksmith's smithy, Kurt and Remy have a Big Flashy Swordfight, we all ponder if Kurt's a eunuch or not, Kitty tries to murder The Authoress for saying that, Remy in jail, Kitty and Amara discussing Pietro and Kurt, The Cursed Pirates come, Kurt kills a Cursed Pirate, Roberto gets shot in the head, Evan and Scott kidnap Kitty, Kurt sees the Cursed Pirate that he killed…alive, Kurt confused, Kurt gets hit in the head and knocked out, we meet Magneto, Kitty's aboard the Black Pearl, and that should be enough.

Until next time: Do review!